The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour

Tom:
Mom liked you best!

Dick:
Lower your voice!

Tom:
[Basso profundo] Mom liked you best!

[while singing 'My Old Man']

Tom:
My old man's a negro...

Dick:
[interrupting] He is NOT a negro.

Tom:
You are a fascist.

Dick:
I'm not a fascist.

Tom:
Then you know some people who are.

Dick:
I know you, and I know me, and I know you're my brother, so that makes it impossible - absolutely, genetically impossible - for your old man to be a negro. You know why? Because my old man is not a negro.

[long pause]

Tom:
No wonder Mom always liked you best!

Pat Paulsen:
What are the arguments against the draft? We hear it is unfair, immoral, discourages young men from studying, ruins their careers and their lives.

[pause]

Pat Paulsen:
Picky, picky, picky.

Tom:
You can tell who's running the country by how much clothes people wear, see?

Dick:
Do you mean that some people can afford more clothes on, and some people have... less on? Is that what you mean?

Tom:
That's right.

Dick:
I don't understand.

Tom:
See, the ordinary people, you'd say that the ordinary people are the less-ons.

Dick:
So who's running the country?

Tom:
The morons.

Tom:
We spend over 50 billion dollars a year on defense. We don't need more allies.

Dick:
Well, what do we need?

Tom:
We need... more enemies.

Dick:
Tommy, you can't have a party at my house!

Tom:
Don't worry about it.

Dick:
Well why shouldn't I worry about it?

Tom:
You're not invited.

Dick:
It's a very difficult situation. People keep spending our money abroad and it's hurting our economy. People keep wanting to travel to other countries instead of staying in the good old United States.

Tom:
Yeah, well, the way I think is that, see, President Johnson should just come up with something positive as an inducement to keep the people here.

Dick:
But what could the president do to make people want to stay in this country?

Tom:
Well he could quit.

[Dick is singing 'McNamara's Band']

Tom:
Okay, hold it, hold it!

[Music stops]

Tom:
Didn't hear one Jewish name in there. You really stepped into it that time, didn't ya.

Dick:
Yeah, I...

Tom:
So you launch into a song full of the worst kind of controversy...

Dick:
What's the matter - ?

Tom:
There's not one Chinese, one Italian, one Greek - I didn't hear anybody in there.

Dick:
Of course you didn't, because they're all Irish.

Tom:
There wasn't one Palucci, one Rabinowitz, one Hayakawa. I bet you there isn't even one colored person in that band.

Dick:
You know what, I bet you are right, because it's an all-Irish band.

Tom:
Oh, you're in for it now. Boy, did you start a controversy there.

Dick:
Now what did I start? I'm trying to sing a happy little song...

Tom:
You're going to be hearing from the NA double-I CP

Dick:
Now what is that?

Tom:
The National Association for Advancement of Irish Colored People.

Dick:
People don't tune in to us to listen to us argue!

Tom:
Some of them did.

Himself - Co-Host:
If you watched our show last week, you saw the Beatles singing 'Hey Jude.' And if you also watched the show the week before, you didn't see Harry Belafonte singing 'Please Don't Stop the Carnival.' Which has nothing to do with the fact that the Beatles will now sing 'Revolution.'

[pause]

Himself - Co-Host:
...Or does it?

Himself - Co-Host:
Do you have something important...?

George Harrison:
Something very important to say on American television.

Himself - Co-Host:
You know... a lot of times we can't - we don't have the opportunity to say something important, because it's American television, and every time you say something... [Dick makes a cutting gesture]... you try to say something important, they...

[Tom makes a cutting gesture; the audience applauds]

George Harrison:
Clap clap clap clap clap clap, clap clap clap - cue the lines. [Tom laughs]

George Harrison:
Well, whether you can say it or not, keep *trying* to say it!

In a discussion between Dick and Tommy concerning profound sayings and Dick recited some, Tom comes up with "The life of the pebble is short and so glows the essence of the green arrow".

I would very much like to get that discusion in its entirety, or, the video of it.