The Sonny and Cher Show

Cher:
I was single for two years.

Sonny:
Well... [makes an iffy hand gesture]

Cher:
I didn't say I was dead, I said I was single.

Doreen Doll:
Nancy dearest, why don't you read this next item, it reminds me so very much of you...

Nancy Nonsense:
Really, why?

Doreen Doll:
Well, because when I saw it today it was also being passed around the news room.

Nancy Nonsense:
Well, I certainly don't mind reading it, I'm sure you've had enough hot flashes for one day.

Garry Glibb:
Girls, girls, this news is supposed to be cutesy, not catsy!

Announcer:
The first half of the Sonny and Cher show is history. Stay tuned for the second half, which will be algebra. I don't write 'em, I just read 'em

Maintenance man:
Hey, let's go down into the lingerie department. My uncle Louie's got a birthday coming up.

Mannequin Cher:
What really bothers me is that every time somebody gets popular on TV they mold us to look like them.

Mannequin Farrah:
I know, this month I'm that dizzy blonde from Charlie's Angels. You know her name? Farrah something.

Mannequin Cher:
Fawcett.

Mannequin Farrah:
Right. I knew it had something to do with being a drip.

Mannequin Cher:
Look at me, they made me look like that girl who does comedy with that little goofy partner.

Mannequin Farrah:
Oh right, which one are you? Laverne or Shirley?

Mannequin Farrah:
I just hate being that Farrah girl. This hair weighs a ton!

Mannequin Cher:
That's nothing. How would you like to lug around this nose for two months?

Mannequin Cher:
Last year I was molded into a TV star who had a much bigger chest than Cher...

Mannequin Farrah:
Really, who?

Mannequin Cher:
Baretta.

Sonny:
Well, they tell me that you're the sex symbol on the show...

Cher:
Only be default.

Sonny:
When I walk into restaurants, elegant restaurants, where people are supposed to be sedate and quiet, women start to scream, actually scream and squeal. There's a big commotion, whenever I do that.

Cher:
Right, 'cause after three drinks you go into the ladies room.

Sonny:
Boy, when they fall for the Bones, they really fall.

Interviewer:
I have noticed in the Italian press recently that your name has been linked with, eh, Sofia Loren...

Vincerre G. Ventenove:
Poppycock!

Interviewer:
Am I to take it, sir, that that means that it's not true?

Vincerre G. Ventenove:
Oh, no, no, no, I mean Sofia Poppycock. See, she's a much bigger star than Sofia Loren.

The Prisoner:
Five minutes, boy, for a lonely lovestarved guy alone with his girl. I'll tell you, though, it's heartless, it's really cruel. It's like giving a thirsty man five drops of water in a leaky bucket.

Announcer:
Portions of the first half of the Sonny and Cher Show have been send to our armed forces overseas. Stay tuned for the second half, when they'll be returned.

Pierre the French chef:
[to Luigi] As a waiter you are a disgrace. [to the audience] As a Frenchman, so am I.

Pierre the French chef:
You win, Monsieur Sonny. I am disgraced and humiliated. There's only one thing left to do, ze 'onorable thing, I am going to end it all by falling on my wooden spoon.

The Strong Silent Captain:
Tijuana? How do we get to Tijuanna?

The Aging Co-Pilot:
Well erm, you turn right at the statue of Ricardo Montalban.

Stewardess Kelly:
There may be some trouble, skipper, the rear section is on fire, the middle section is comming apart, and the two port engines are falling off. And all the pasengers are running around screaming and screaming their heads off! [giggles]

The Strong Silent Captain:
Oh, that's, that's good, that'll keep their minds off the shark.

The Architect:
Oh, captain, captain, you're a hero.

The Strong Silent Captain:
Thank you.

The Architect:
I would hever have believed you could land a 747 on the top of a doctor's office.

The rich highstrung High Society woman:
Especially without an appointment.

The Aging Co-Pilot:
Wait a minute, wait a minute, what happened to the earhquake?

Stewardess Kelly:
We're in luck: the shark ate it!

Sonny:
Anyway, eh, here we are, Sonny and Cher and Donny and Marie.

Cher:
That's right, four people in search of a last name.

Donny:
Now look, let me get this straight. You don't have ice?

Sonny, Cher:
No.

Donny:
You don't have brothers?

Sonny, Cher:
No, no brothers.

Donny:
And you're not even related anymore?

Sonny, Cher:
No.

Donny:
How do you manage to do a show?