The Soup

Kevin Federline:
Love... is love

Host:
Shhh, Kevin... you had me at "Duh".

Host:
Nicole Kidman's not going to Tom Cruise's wedding. It's not that she's bitter, it's just that she's an actress and she doesn't feel like working that day.

[repeated line]

Whitney Houston:
Kiss my ass!

Elmo:
Elmo says f*** the police!

Host:
[on phone] You're a player. No, you're the playa! You! Okay, we're *both* playas! See you at the Cheesecake Factory!

Host:
[about "Memoirs of a Geisha Kong"] They totally used Chinese gorillas! I'm offended.

Host:
Pepe, show me on the puppet were the puppet touched you.

Elmo:
George Bush doesn't care about Muppets!

[on the children's show "Hip-Hop Harry"]

"Stupid" Scott:
I've never had dried apples - what are they?

Host:
That's when Hip-Hop Harry pulled out a gun and shot the kid.

Host:
Dr. Kevorkian was on Larry King Live last week - which had to look pretty tempting for him.

[repeated line shown from "Good Morning America"]

Ann Curry:
Good morning, Good morning everybody, and the news this morning good morning.

[on David Beckham's first soccer game in America]

Host:
Americans learned a lot about soccer that day; for instance, it's played by people who are over ten years old.

[parody of Apple's iPhone commercials]

Jealous Boyfriend:
[holding an iPhone] With iPhone, dialing contacts is a snap. Let's say you wanted to contact your ex-girlfriend to let her know how badly she's hurt you. Simply press her name and the call is dialed.

Female Voice:
Dammit Rick, stop calling me!

Jealous Boyfriend:
[pressing buttons] Then, when another call comes in, simply place that call on hold, and answer the second one.

Detective Hansen:
Detective Hansen of the Bay Area police department.

Jealous Boyfriend:
To bloc the call, simply press ignore. Iphone is also the best ipod ever made. With it, you can listen to the song that was playing when she said you'd be together forever. Then, you can use Google Maps to locate the street where she's moved away to. Simply touch the traffic button, and iPhone tells you the best route to take to propose to her... again. Apple's iPhone: a revolutionary portable device that never leaves your side... and never sleeps with your cousin

Kelly Andrews:
[at the beginning of every "Chat Stew" segment] So meaty!

Host:
For all the latest "American Idol" info, we go to E!'s own Ryan Seacrest. Oh, Ryan?

Ryan Seacrest:
Computer, I'd like a chocolate shake... with a whiskey chaser. I said a chocolate shake with a whiskey. Tom, I think the replicator's broken.

Tom McNamara:
That's not the replicator, Ryan. That's the live feed to "The Soup."

Ryan Seacrest:
Oh. Joel, I'd like a chocolate shake and a whiskey chaser. Tom, I think Joel's broken.

Host:
Only on the inside.

Pat O'Brien:
[comparing Britney Spears to Princess Diana] And, believe it or not, look at the similarities between Brit and the late princess: they both have two boys, both went through very public divorces, both romantically involved with men reportedly Moslem, and both stalked by the paparazzi.

Host:
Or, we could just focus on the way they're different, such as one was an advocate for world peace visiting land mine-covered war-torn countries, while the other stays up all night touring convenience stores in search of the perfect Twinkie.

[Joe is talking about how the winner on The Apprentice was announced early]

Host:
We still have three minutes left! Just cue some of that music.

[a clip of Celine Dion from Deal or No Deal is seen with her singing]

Host:
[panicking] WRONG MUSIC! WRONG MUSIC! WRONG MUSIC!

Host:
In mix tape wrecking news, Ashlee Simpson will sing a duet with The Cure's frontman, Robert Smith. Finally! An actual reason for goth kids to be depressed... Thank God.

Indestructible Cheerleader, 'Kaitlyn':
Joel, I told you before, I'm not indestructible! But I'm a cheerleader! [shakes her pom-poms]

Joel McHale:
Oh, uh, so they're all about misguided parental behavior that robs children of their childhood so selfish adults can use them as proxies to right their own personal failures? THAT sounds catchy.

Himself - Host:
[after talking about Britney Spears] Moving now to the Lohans...

Kelly Andrews:
So stable by comparison.

Himself - Host:
Lindsay Lohan's younger sister Ali Lohan is laughing off reports she was involved in a car wreck last week after In Touch Weekly reported that she was. "Oh, that's very flattering, but my older sister's the car wreck, my mother's the train wreck. And my father's the nuclear holocaust."

Himself - Host:
Joss, you've come by to tell me something very important.

Joss Stone:
I have. It's very serious. Um, Joel McHale, I am very mad at you.

Himself - Host:
Why? What did I do wrong?

Joss Stone:
Well, I watch the show every week, and you never mention me. And I would like to know why.

Himself - Host:
Well, have you just gotten out of rehab?

Joss Stone:
No.

Himself - Host:
Do you have a DUI?

Joss Stone:
No.

Himself - Host:
Did you get knocked up by a rock star or a backup dancer?

Joss Stone:
No.

Himself - Host:
Did you ever do any time? Shave your head? Tape a sex tape? Is anybody after your kids? Do you have a show on E? Is your father Michael Lohan?

Joss Stone:
No.

Himself - Host:
Well, see, there you go, Joss: you are way too well-adjusted to be on our show. Now, if you want to get on "The Soup," you've got to get out there, get freaky, and start acting like a rock star.

Joss Stone:
Oh. That's it? That's all I gotta do?

Himself - Host:
That's it.

Joss Stone:
All right.

Himself - Host:
And if you're a celebrity who'd like to be on the show, pick up our helpful guide "How To Ruin Your Life And Become A Punchline On 'The Soup.'"

Joss Stone:
Okay, wicked. Okay, I'll be needing that.

Himself - Host:
Here you go. Oh, here's your bottle of vodka.

Joss Stone:
Oh, thank you. I'm going to be needing this, right?

Himself - Host:
And here are Ryan Seacrest's car keys.

Joss Stone:
Excellent. I'm on my way up in the world!

Himself - Host:
See you on "The Soup," Joss.

Himself - Host:
Hey, Mystery, what do the nerds have to do on "The Pickup Arist" this week?

Mystery:
[wearing World War One flying goggles in a clip replay] The objective is to kiss a woman with her permission.

Himself - Host:
Thank you, Sky Captain of Tomorrow!

Himself - Host:
And now, my Labor Day Special Comment to Miss Lohan and Miss Spears: Britney, Lindsay, summer's over and that means it's time to get back to work. When we get back to work next Tuesday, we want you to be there for us.

Keith Olbermann:
You see, for every time you pass out in a car, attack a car, crash a car, or have a picture taken of your privates while getting out of a car, you are not just keeping yourself in the limelight, you are also keeping us employed. That's right, we get paid for the jokes we write about the things you do. And that's why we have one simple request to take you through the rest of '07: if you do nothing else this year, somehow, some way, please manage to survive.

Himself - Host:
And by "survive," I mean "get back to being the crazy kids we knew and loved, the gals who would get caught on tape being the mildly dumb a fella could make fun of without having to feel bad."

Britney Spears:
[looking confused in a clip replay] Huh?

Keith Olbermann:
Yeah, like that. Sometimes it's hard to do on your own, so here are some helpful survival tips we think you could both use. One: stop blaming Mommy and Daddy... even if they are to blame. You are both adults, and at some point every adult has to take responsibility for his or her actions... with the exception of the White House staffers and Fox News employees. Two: get over yourselves and do something for someone else. Even Paris Hilton came out of jail vowing to make a difference in the world. She may or may not do it, but if she does, do you want that stick puppet to be better than you are at saving the world? Sober up and take her down! And finally, Survival Tip #3, which may seem easy, but were I you, Lindsay and Britney, it would be one of the hardest things I could imagine: take a good, hard look at this picture.

[a photo of Anna Nicole Smith is shown]

Keith Olbermann:
I really and truly hope you don't become this. So, Miss Spears, Miss Lohan, we are done talking about you. Go to bed. Good night, and good luck.

Himself - Host:
Do I look smarter on Camera 2?

Himself - Host:
Let's talk about "Chicks, Man."

Constantine Maroulis:
[in a clip replay] Chicks, man!