The Swimmer

Ned Merrill:
Pool by pool, they form a river all the way to our house.

Ned Merrill:
Here's to sugar on the strawberries!

Ned Merrill:
Thy belly is like a heap of wheat, fenced about with lilies.

Julie Ann Hooper:
That's from the Bible, isn't it?

Ned Merrill:
Song of Solomon.

Julie Ann Hooper:
When I was a little girl in Sunday school, they never mentioned that part of the Bible.

Ned Merrill:
You loved it. You loved it. We *both* loved it. *You loved it!*

Ned Merrill:
On a scale of one to ten, how good is he in bed?

Restaraunt Owner:
Oh, normal mustard wasn't good enough for Mrs. Merrill, she had to have dijon mustard.

Kevin Gilmartin Jr.:
What's the - What's the matter?

Ned Merrill:
I thought you were gonna dive!

Kevin Gilmartin Jr.:
You thought I was gonna dive? There's no water in the pool!

Ned Merrill:
Well... So long again.

Ned Merrill:
If there is anything you want, anything at all. Come to me. I will be your guardian angel.

Ned Merrill:
You see, if you make believe hard enough that something is true, then it *is* true for *you*.

Ned Merrill:
This is the day Ned Merrill swims across the county.

Ned Merrill:
'Member how we used to take off our suits and swim for miles up that river? We just never got tired.

Stu Forsburgh:
Yeah. We had nice, new, pink lungs in *those* days.

Ned Merrill:
And the water up there. Remember? That transparent, light green water. It felt different. God, what a beautiful feeling. We could've swum around the world in those days.

Stu Forsburgh:
That was before we ever touched a drink, or a cigarette.

Donald Westerhazy:
Or a girl!

Ned Merrill:
I'm cold. What's the matter with that sun? There's no heat in it.

Betty Graham:
Oh, why can't we travel more?

Howard Graham:
What for? We've got everything we want right here at home.

Julie Ann Hooper:
How did you meet Mrs. Merrill?

Ned Merrill:
Oh, I - On a boat. Going to Europe one summer. I was with a - with a bunch of students down in steerage. And one night I sneaked up to the first class salon, and there she was.

Julie Ann Hooper:
Oh, how romantic and old-fashioned!

Ned Merrill:
Now wait a minute! It wasn't that long ago!

Julie Ann Hooper:
Well, I - I mean it sounds so much more *passionate* than a computer.

Ned Merrill:
Yes, Sir, those kids of mine think I got all the answers. Those kids of mine think I'm just about it!

Ned Merrill:
Lucinda's waiting. The girls are home playing tennis. I'm swimming home.

Shirley Abbott:
[in concerned pity] Oh, God.

Ned Merrill:
Howie!

Howie Hunsacker:
Hi, Mister Merrill.

Ned Merrill:
Oh Howie, lend me fifty cents.

Lillian Hunsacker:
Don't you do it, Howie.

Ned Merrill:
Howie, for Christ's sake.

Howie Hunsacker:
What's fifty cents, more or less? I mean - considering.

Ned Merrill:
Thanks, Howie. Thanks a lot, chum. Thanks an *awful* lot.

[first lines]

Donald Westerhazy:
Where have you been keeping yourself?

Ned Merrill:
Oh, here and there. Here and there.

Mrs. Hammar:
[as Ned is leaving] Just one minute, Mister Merrill. This is *my* house now. Don't you ever come here again. Don't you *ever* set foot on my property again!

Ned Merrill:
I want my girls to be married in that house. [Howard & Betty exchange confused glances] Won't be long now. Our driveway looked like a parking lot today. Boys all over the place.

Mrs. Hammar:
You're not welcome here, Mister Merrill.

Ned Merrill:
Well, you know me, don't you? I'm a friend of your son.

Mrs. Hammar:
A friend. How dare you use that word. You never came to see him. You never even called him at the hospital.

Ned Merrill:
Well how is he? Is he - better? [Mrs. Hammar only glares in response]

Ned Merrill:
This is Julie Ann Hooper, our babysitter.

Cynthia:
Go run along to your babies, dear.

Cynthia:
Why don't you, um, come over tonight. For dinner?

Ned Merrill:
I'd love to. If Lucinda hasn't made a date.

Cynthia:
Lucinda? Well congratulations.

Ned Merrill:
You're the captain of your soul. That's what counts. Know what I mean?

Ned Merrill:
Just one lane. I want to swim just one lane. Y-You don't understand.

Pool cashier:
I understand you ain't got a half a buck. That's all I'm supposed to understand.

Ned Merrill:
But can't you make an exception just this once? My house is right over there on the hill. I'll come straight back with the money.

Pool cashier:
Get the hell out of there, mister.

Ned Merrill:
I'll call it the Lucinda River, after my wife.

Peggy Forsburgh:
That's quite a tribute.

Ned Merrill:
That's funny.

Julie Ann Hooper:
What?

Ned Merrill:
Marigolds. This time of the year.

Julie Ann Hooper:
They're all over the place.

Ned Merrill:
They usually bloom later.

Julie Ann Hooper:
Mmm, they're lovely, I love the colors.

Denny:
Look, why don't you leave some phone numbers around? I've been trying to reach you. Look. I've heard of an opening. Sounds perfect for you. Your experience. Smaller place than you're used to, but these two guys are creative as hell.

Ned Merrill:
Say hello to Julie Ann.

Denny:
Hello Julie Ann. Now this firm has a reputation for originality. I think if you approach them right, take a cut just at first...

Ned Merrill:
Take a cut?

Denny:
Now look here, Ned, you don't have to pretend with *me*.

Ned Merrill:
We're running out o' Tabasco.

Shirley Abbott:
*We*? Aren't you a little confused this afternoon?

Ned Merrill:
We're all gonna die, Shirley. That doesn't make much sense, does it?

Shirley Abbott:
Sometimes it does. Sometimes at three o'clock in the morning.

Shirley Abbott:
Would you mind telling me what the hell you're doing here?

Ned Merrill:
I'm swimming home.

Shirley Abbott:
You're what?

Ned Merrill:
Pool by pool, across the county.

Shirley Abbott:
Good Christ, Ned, will you ever grow up?

Ned Merrill:
Nothing's turned out - Nothing's turned out the way - I thought it would. When I was a kid, I - I used to believe in things. People seemed happier when I was a kid. People used to love each other. What happened?

Shirley Abbott:
You got tossed out of your golden playpen, that's what happened.

Shirley Abbott:
Listen, Ned, I want you to get out of here now. Swim the pool, do whatever you have to do, but get out.

Shirley Abbott:
What's the matter with you? I'll get you a sweater.

Ned Merrill:
No!

Shirley Abbott:
You must be catching something.

Ned Merrill:
How can I swim in a sweater?

Shirley Abbott:
Listen, I'll drive you home.

Ned Merrill:
No! I've got to *swim* home.

Shirley Abbott:
For the love of God, why?

Ned Merrill:
I've just got to. I've got to.

Shirley Abbott:
I'll go get the car.

Ned Merrill:
No! I can't go in a car, it's impossible. How can I?

Ned Merrill:
How beautiful are thy feet in sandles, oh princess daughter. [kisses Helen's feet]

Ned Merrill:
I could do it. I could *really* do it.

Helen Westerhazy:
Do what, Neddy?

Ned Merrill:
Well now with the Grahams there's a string of pools that curves clear across the county to our house. Well look: the Grahams, the Lears, the Bunkers. Then over the ridge. Then a - portage through the Paston's riding ring to the - Hallorans and the Gilmartins. Then down Erewise Lane to the Biswangers, and then - Wait a minute, who's next? I can't think, I had it just a minute ago. Who is it? Well, who is it? Who's next to the Biswangers?

Helen Westerhazy:
[softly] Shirley Abbott.

Ned Merrill:
Shirley Abbott. And across Route 424 to the recreation center pool, and up the hill and I'm home. Well don't you see? I just figured it out. If I take a sort of a dogleg to the southwest... I can swim home.

Mrs. Hammar:
Who gave you permission to use the pool?

Ned Merrill:
I'm Ned Merrill.

Ned Merrill:
I'm a very special human being. Noble. And splendid.

Ned Merrill:
You must be crazy. Everybody's gone crazy today. I just came from the Biswangers. They snubbed me... everybody at their party snubbed me. They've even got my hot dog wagon.

Ned Merrill:
[Climbing out of the pool at the Biswangers, suddenly noticing a colorfully decorated hot dog cart] Hey, wait a minute. This looks like my wagon. I'm sure this is my wagon.

Ned Merrill:
[Inspects the wagon more closely] This IS my wagon! I wheeled my kids around in it. Ya' see that?

Ned Merrill:
[Pointing to a spot] That's where Ella put her foot through and I mended it. With plywood... This is MY WAGON, man!

Shirley Abbott:
Did you know I went to spy on you once in the lobby of the theater?

Ned Merrill:
[Surprised] Spy on me?

Shirley Abbott:
It was a long time ago... You were meeting your family to take them to the ballet. I saw your daughters in their white gloves and patent-leather slippers, and that aging Vassar-girl wife of yours in her understated little suit. And you... there you were, shaking hands with people, smiling, saying hello. One hour before that you had been in bed with me. *I* put that smile on your face, you DAMNED HYPOCRITE!... Listen, Ned, I want you to get out of here now. Swim the pool, do whatever you have to do, but get out!

Ned Merrill:
[Reminiscing] My mother gave me 25 cents for mowing the lawn around our house. Seems only a minute ago. I could smell the grass... It's so fast... People grow up, and then they... We're all gonna' die, Shirley. That doesn't make much sense, does it?

Shirley Abbott:
Sometimes it does... Sometimes at three o'clock in the morning.

Shirley Abbott:
[Sarcastically] Well, how goes it in "Never-Never Land"?

Ned Merrill:
What?

Shirley Abbott:
Has the ideal, all-American family found happiness on the hill?

Ned Merrill:
[a bit confused] The "hill"?

Shirley Abbott:
I heard a rumor that you'd changed your place of residence.

Ned Merrill:
Of course not. That's ridiculous!

Shirley Abbott:
Well, how is the President of the League of Women Voters?

Ned Merrill:
[Confused] Who?

Shirley Abbott:
How is your wife?

Ned Merrill:
Oh, she's fine.

Shirley Abbott:
I've been away so long I haven't kept up with the news. I suppose by now all the waitresses in town must be certified non-venereal. Last I heard, that was your wife's latest project: physical checkups for food handlers. [laughs derisively]

Ned Merrill:
[Defensively] Lucinda's always done a lot of good in this town.

Shirley Abbott:
She just didn't do so good at home, did she?

Jack Finney:
You oughta' see the orders I had to send up to his house. French strawberry jam his wife made me stock for her. American strawberries weren't good enough for her.

Sylvia Finney:
Plain mustard ain't good enough for Mrs. Merrill. She had to have Dijon mustard.

Jack Finney:
Hearts of palm. Hearts of artichoke. Hearts of this, hearts of that... Some rich diet you have up there.

Lillian Hunsacker:
Hearts of Jack Finney, that's what they got. [Everybody laughs]

Ned Merrill:
How's the family, Howie?

Howie Hunsacker:
My oldest boy just won the American Legion Scholarship Award. Straight A's this year.

Ned Merrill:
That's wonderful...

Lillian Hunsacker:
[Butting in] Yeah, then we bring our kids up to behave themselves. We don't let *our* kids run around drunk, wrecking cars.

Jack Finney:
He kept his daughters' names outta' the paper *that* time.

Sylvia Finney:
I'll bet *that* check didn't bounce!

Ned Merrill:
[Getting agitated] You leave my daughters out of this!

Sylvia Finney:
Well, why didn't you teach 'em some manners?

Lillian Hunsacker:
Ah, those girls never paid no attention to him.

Howie Hunsacker:
You, shut up...

Lillian Hunsacker:
Look, I'm not blaming the girls. It's him. Always chummin' around with the kids, tryin' to be "one of the gang."

Ned Merrill:
My daughters worship me. The love me and respect me. Because I'm their father. And they respect me. They respect me!

Lillian Hunsacker:
[Sarcastically] Yeah?

Ned Merrill:
My girls love me.

Lillian Hunsacker:
How many times we heard those girls talkin' in our place. We heard your girls givin' you the raspberry.

Ned Merrill:
You're a liar.

Howie Hunsacker:
Come on, Mr. Merrill, don't talk to my wife that way.

Ned Merrill:
She's a goddamned liar!

Howie Hunsacker:
Wanna' know what your girls thought of you, Mr. Merrill? Your girls laughed at you. I heard them. They thought you were a great big joke! [Ned, disgusted, angrily shoves Howie aside and runs off]

Ned Merrill:
What did I do to you, Shirley? I'm sorry for whatever I did.

Shirley Abbott:
[Cynically] You did the usual red-blooded married man thing. You took me out to lunch and gave me that lecture about the duties of a father and a husband. Oh, it's considered a classic by now, isn't it? Reprinted every year in the Reader's Digest?

Ned Merrill:
I don't remember.

Shirley Abbott:
It's the first really chic restaurant you took me to in New York. Right out in front of everyone who counts.

Ned Merrill:
You cried...

Shirley Abbott:
I also raised my voice.

Ned Merrill:
It tore me apart to see you crying.

Shirley Abbott:
[Tone getting angrier] You chose that restaurant because you thought I wouldn't make a fuss in front of all those mink hats and snobbish waiters and stylish fags.

Ned Merrill:
[Protesting] No. No.

Shirley Abbott:
Did you really think you could get rid of me in no more noise than the sound of finger bowls tinkling?

Ned Merrill:
That's a great pool you got here.

Howard Graham:
Heheyeah.

Betty Graham:
Ned's just crazy about our pool.

Howard Graham:
I didn't skimp on anything. I got a diatomaceous earth filter in there.

Ned Merrill:
Betty told me.

Howard Graham:
Filters out ninety nine point ninety nine point ninety nine percent of all solid matter in the water.

Ned Merrill:
That's what Betty said.

Kevin Gilmartin Jr.:
They took the water out of the pool because I'm not a good swimmer. I'm bad at sports and, at school, nobody wants me on their team.

Ned Merrill:
Well, it's a lot better that way, you take it from me. At first you think it's the end of the world because you're not on the team. Till you realize...

Kevin Gilmartin Jr.:
Realize what?

Ned Merrill:
You realize that you're free. You're your own man. You don't have to worry about getting to be captain and all that status stuff.

Kevin Gilmartin Jr.:
They'd never elect me captain in a million years.

Ned Merrill:
You're the captain of your soul. That's what counts. Know what I mean?