The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

Jay Leno:
It's so cold in Washington, DC, it took 15 minutes to jump-start Dick Cheney's heart.

Dennis Miller:
I like Dick Cheney, because he's perpetually pissed off.

[trying to fight off the "Ebonic Plague"]

Kevin Eubanks:
Oh no! There be a hole in my suit!

[on guest Quentin Tarantino]

Jay Leno:
He's the kind of guy you don't know is drunk until you see him sober.

[about embarrassing Presidential relatives]

Jay Leno:
You know who the embarrassing brother in the Bush family is? [Breaks out laughing] George!

Jay Leno:
[to Hugh Grant] What the hell were you thinking?

[Jay Leno tells a joke about Bush "outsourcing" the presidency]

Jay Leno:
That seemed kinda mean, didn't it? Who is writing all these Bush jokes? Ellen, put on the camera in the cue card room. [switches camera to John Edwards writing monologue cue cards] Who's writing in there?

John Edwards:
Hey Jay - you do your job, and let me do mine.

Jay Leno:
It was so cold in California today, Scott Peterson has said he's actually looking forward to going to Hell.

[on trip to China, guest Liam Neeson spent about $15 on some very cheap watches for his kids]

Jay Leno:
You cheap bastard.

[about President Bush touring the South after Hurricane Katrina]

Jay Leno:
He saw something below sea level. Yeah, his approval rating.

[about the Kansas City Royals, who lost 17 games in row]

Jay Leno:
It looks like President Bush wasn't the *only* one taking the entire month of August off.

[about Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers]

Jay Leno:
She called Bush "the most brilliant man I ever met." This is a woman we're hiring for her *judgment*?

Jay Leno:
[during "Headlines", imitating in southern accent ] Well, looook, here's some suuure fine winder cleaner!

[about all the Hollywood remakes of "King Kong"]

Jay Leno:
I think it's just a case of monkey see, monkey do.

Jay Leno:
[reading an Ad on "Headlines"] Men, do you have vaginal dryness?

Jay Leno:
[Re: Various things like a jewel-encrusted Mr. Potato Head] This is why poor countries hate us!

Jay Leno:
[doing "Headlines"] "Organism" can be a tricky word to spell...

Jay Leno:
[repeatedly, his frequent signature post-punch line] Exactly!

Hayden Christensen:
Who wouldn't like to play with a lightsaber?

Tracey Ullman:
[answering to Jays question about a sex scene in 'A Dirty Shame'] No, I wasn't naked, I'm too old for that stuff...

Tracey Ullman:
[looks at Hayden who grins] *You* have just started, you want to do the sex symbol stuff!

Tracey Ullman:
[while talking about her dancing career, asking Hayden] Do you dance?

Hayden Christensen:
No, I can't say that I have.

Tracey Ullman:
What would you answer if a casting agent asked if you could dance?

Hayden Christensen:
Yeah, yeah, I can do anything.

Hayden Christensen:
[talks about his experience in the Vader suit] They put on high heels on my shoes to make me feel taller.

Himself - Host:
So you were like a drag queen?

Hayden Christensen:
Yeah, Vader in drag.

[Jaywalking interview]

Himself - Host:
Let's try your retention. What state has the slogan, "Live Free or Die"?

Herself - Jaywalking Interviewee:
Live Free or Die?

Himself - Host:
Uh-huh.

Herself - Jaywalking Interviewee:
Um.

Himself - Host:
I told you the answer to this...

Herself - Jaywalking Interviewee:
Missouri?

Himself - Host:
No, I told you the answer to this 31 seconds ago.

Herself - Jaywalking Interviewee:
I know. I already forgot. I'm going to be the blonde on this show.

Himself - Host:
So far.

Himself - Host:
So, what else have you been up to since you were last here with us?

Leelee Sobieski:
Well, I got my ears pierced earlier today for the first time ever...

Himself - Host:
Really?

Leelee Sobieski:
Yeah, see - Just pierced... [sweeps hair out of the way to show small stud earrings in her ears]

Himself - Host:
And why did you do that - Is it for a new movie you've got coming up?

Leelee Sobieski:
No - My boyfriend gave me a pair of really expensive antique earrings, but he never noticed that they were for pierced ears, which I didn't have. Despite that, I really like them, and it'd be a shame to ruin them by having them converted into clip-ons, so I thought the easiest solution would be to have my ears pierced, and then I'd be able to wear them.

Himself - Host:
And so you got them done today?

Leelee Sobieski:
Yeah, this afternoon. It didn't hurt like I thought it would, but it still feels a bit weird - And I'm still getting used to the thought that I've now got bits of metal going through holes in my earlobes that weren't there when I woke up this morning, but I guess I'll get used to that...

Hayden Christensen:
[about how romantic he can be] I made a swing out of wood once for a girl, and hung it up in the garden, and she liked it.

Himself - Host:
What is she? Eleven years old?

Himself - Host:
[about Haydens pigs] I always hear the pig versus dog thing, are they smarter?

Hayden Christensen:
Uhh, pigs are supposed to be smarter... umm, you can learn them to do a variety of things.

Will Ferrell:
...Can you teach them to drive a car?

Hayden Christensen:
...Uhh, nooo...

Himself - Host:
[reading a kids alternative take on Franklin D Roosevelt's famous quote] The only thing we have to fear is... China?

Hayden Christensen:
[about his pigs] My male pig... like to root, he put his nose in things, so i try to learn him to root on my muscles, like massage my legs, or root my back, just go root on my back...

Himself - Host:
So... things didn't work out with your girlfriend then?

Himself - Host:
Folks, tomorrow America gets to hear those four words we've been waiting for: "former president George Bush."

Jeff Dunham:
[as Achmed, the dead terrorist] I love coming on this show. I like the virgin on the couch.

[Achmed moves his eyebrows suggestively at Anne Hathaway; laughter]

Jeff Dunham:
[as Achmed] Ha ha ha ha. Oh, Anne, I have your poster up in my cave!

Jeff Dunham:
So, I understand you're a suicide bomber?

Jeff Dunham:
[as Achmed, the dead terrorist] Yes, I am. Don't stand too close!

[laughter]