The Trial of Tony Blair

Tony Blair:
You've learned nothing from me, Gordon - absolutely nothing. Because if you had, you would have acquired at least a *hint* of charisma. But then you and charisma have never really been on speaking terms.

Gordon Brown:
The public don't want charisma any more - what they want is honesty.

Tony Blair:
Instead of which, they get you!

[Tony Blair is reading a newspaper report]

Tony Blair:
Oh my God. George is back in rehab.

Cherie Blair:
George?

Tony Blair:
Bush. George Bush. Oh God, he was found comatose on his ranch.

Cherie Blair:
[drily] I'm surprised anyone noticed.

Tony Blair:
He's my friend. All right? George is my friend. We went through hell together.

Cherie Blair:
Oh, I thought you sent other people to do that.

[Now led by Gordon Brown, Labour have just won a fourth term in office - but with an absurdly small majority. Gordon rings Tony.]

Tony Blair:
Gordon, my congratulations.

Gordon Brown:
I am heading for a majority of two, for God's sake. Two!

Tony Blair:
Well a majority's a majority.

Gordon Brown:
It's going to be a bloody disaster.

Tony Blair:
It's the historic fourth term, Gordon.

Gordon Brown:
You are electoral death!

Tony Blair:
I don't think you can blame *me* for what you call your ludicrously small majority.

Gordon Brown:
You've held onto power for far too long, Tony.

Tony Blair:
Oh really? Well quite frankly if I'd packed it in sooner you'd only have had more time to balls it up, wouldn't you?

[Tony is meeting the publisher of his memoirs who is very critical of the book and recommends a lot of changes to it.]

Publisher:
I think the chapters on the Iraq War could be trimmed - the book would benefit and sales would benefit.

Tony Blair:
You will not cut a word of those chapters. I did not take this country to war in order to be popular.

Publisher:
[drily] Well you certainly succeeded there.

Tony Blair:
[pauses for thought] I took this country to war because it was the right thing to do. It was the right thing for Britain and one day history will judge me. And it'll be the liberal journalists, the sneering intellectuals, the appeasers, the bloodless, spineless chattering classes of which you are obviously a member, those will be the ones found wanting, those'll be the ones in the dock of history, not me. Because if I'd listened to all the *moral* cowards, like you, then that murdering bastard Saddam Hussain would still be in power. So cut one word from those memoirs and, so help me, I'll take it away from you.

Publisher:
Then you won't mind if it's so laughable and ridiculous and poorly-written that no-one wants to read it.

Cherie Blair:
Here's that RCI information I was telling you about.

Tony Blair:
RCI?

Cherie Blair:
Rite of Christian Initiation.

Tony Blair:
But I *am* Christian!

Cherie Blair:
No, you're Church of England.

[Discussing Blair's autobiography]

Publisher:
You 'feel the hand of God on your shoulder' no less than 29 times!

Tony Blair:
Oh yes...

[He laughs]

Tony Blair:
...it was a bit more than that, actually.