The Truth About Cats & Dogs

Cosmetics Saleslady:
We also have this new face cream which neutralizes the free radicals that attack the skin. Let me ask you: what's your skin regime?

Dr. Abby Barnes:
My regime? The regime from which the radicals are trying to get free? Are we selling face cream or staging a coup?

Abby:
Did you call me?

Roy:
What?

Abby:
I heard dumb b*tch. I assumed you were talking to me.

Roy:
I was talking to her.

Abby:
Your name is dumb b*tch TOO? No wonder I keep getting all of your mail! You know, we could be related. There are a lot of us dumb b*tches here in LA.

Dr. Abby Barnes:
If I was a guy, I think women would, like, line up to go out with me. I'm smart. I have a good sense of humor. I make a great living.

Noelle:
I'd f*** you.

Dr. Abby Barnes:
Thank you, honey. I know you would.

Noelle:
You and I combined make the perfect woman

Dr. Abby Barnes:
No. You and I combined make the perfect political prisoner. What we really do well is act self-righteous and starve.

Abby:
We can love our pets, we just can't LOVE our pets.

Dr. Abby Barnes:
How's it going?

Brian:
Yeah, well, he snores, which was a problem, um, but we solved it.

Dr. Abby Barnes:
How'd you do that?

Brian:
Well, he slept on my face and I couldn't hear him any more.

Noelle:
You gotta have a boyfriend, don't you? Otherwise it's just you and a cat and before you know, 40 candles on your birthday cake.

Dr. Abby Barnes:
You burp and guys think its adorable. You puke and they line up to hold your hair back.

Noelle:
What's wrong, Abby?

Dr. Abby Barnes:
Nothing that a rooftop and an AK-47 won't take care of.

Noelle:
What is this? Is this cat hair?

Dr. Abby Barnes:
I'm shedding. I'm extremely nervous.

Noelle:
Disappointment doesn't kill.

Dr. Abby Barnes:
Right... rejection kills. Disappointment only maims.

Noelle:
I don't eat anything so I can look good on the outside, but on the inside, there's nothing.

Dr. Abby Barnes:
If you were trapped in Biosphere 2 for three years, who would you bring: Time Magazine's Woman of the Year or Playboy's Playmate of the Year?

Abby:
You forgot to say I love you because you're beautiful.

Brian:
No, I didn't. I mean, she is. But that's not why I love her.

Brian:
You know how someone's appearance can change the longer you know them? How a really attractive person, if you don't like them, can become more and more ugly; whereas someone you might not have even have noticed... that you wouldn't look at more than once, if you love them, can become the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. All you want to do is be near them.

Noelle:
Besides, he has this small personal habit that just drives me crazy.

Abby:
What's that?

Noelle:
He loves *you*.

Abby:
I have to tell you something.

Brian:
What?

Abby:
The other night on the phone...I'm pregnant.

Brian:
Oh darling...are you sure it was me?

Abby:
I don't know. I made a lot of phone calls that night.

Abby:
What are we discussing?

Brian:
Well there's the issue of Hank, who's in a terrible state without you.

Brian:
Abby, I only ever loved one woman and I don't want to lose her twice.

Abby:
OK. So say you meet one of these no sparks women, and you really take the time to get to know her and then you become intellectually stimulated by her. You just really enjoy her personality, thereby igniting all your lust and passion. Have you ever thought about that?

Brian:
Are you going to eat that?

Dr. Abby Barnes:
[to a radio caller:] Dogs don't like to be left alone. It's not like, when you leave, he goes, "Great, time to finish writing my novel!" No, when their humans leave, dogs get depressed, and they show it.

Noelle:
Her cheese balls make excellent Christmas gifts!

Noelle:
Did you ever look in the mirror so long that your face didn't make sense anymore? It just becomes all these shapes. Just shapes. Not good or bad.

Noelle:
You mean you want me to shove my finger up that turtle's ass?

Noelle:
Maybe it was all the cake he fed me.

Dr. Abby Barnes:
What is that, the twinkie defense?

[over the phone]

Dr. Abby Barnes:
Say something.

Brian:
I want to make love to you.

Dr. Abby Barnes:
Never on the first phone call.

Brian:
Throw something to me. Throw something you've been wearing and then I'll go.

[Abby throws her sneaker out the window and Brian catches it]

Brian:
Wow...it's a Ked!

Cranky Neighbor:
Will you shut up?

[contemplating how to reveal Abby's true identity to Brian]

Noelle:
Is your show on today?

Dr. Abby Barnes:
Yeah.

Noelle:
I'll go to his house and I'll turn on the radio.

Dr. Abby Barnes:
And?

Noelle:
Have you ever noticed how Superman and Clark Kent are never in the same room at the same time?

Brian:
Who are you? What is this? Is this some kind of weird game you two play for kicks, you take some guy and see how much you can screw him up!

Abby:
No, it was a mistake.

Brian:
You're dumb and beautiful, and you're smart and - I gotta go.

Dr. Abby Barnes:
Brian! Oh.