The Visit

Daughter:
Mom, there's something wrong with nana and papa.

Mom:
They're just OLD!

Grandma:
I'm gonna get you!

Grandma:
Would you mind getting inside the oven to clean it?

Grandma:
YAHTZEE!

Grandpa:
[when he's caught with a gun] I was just cleaning it.

Grandpa:
[to Tyler] I never liked you anyway.

Daughter:
It's Hasbro, not Milton Bradley that makes Yahtze now, Grandpa.

Tyler:
[trying desperately to smooth things over] Well, I'M having fun!

Mom:
Those aren't your grandparents...

Tyler:
Nothing can scare me!

Daughter:
Yeah right!

Tyler:
[sees something scary] AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Grandpa:
You're blind... you're blind. I am the exposer. I am a seer. I see the veiny, deformed... face of the world.

Tyler:
[Tyler find a fly-ridden heap of dirty diapers on a table in the shed] Holy SH*T! Holy Mother of Sarah McLachlan! Nana... what the HELL?

Conductor:
You a film prodigy? You know, I used to be a pretty good actor.

Daughter:
Oh, my camera light's blinking!

Conductor:
I am disgraced, impeached and baffled here!

Daughter:
Battery pack is low!

Conductor:
Pierced to the soul with slander's venomed spear!

Daughter:
Oh, oh, unfortunately, I'm just going to have to shut the camera off!

Grandma:
Why are your pants so low?

Tyler:
I rap.

Daughter:
It's a form of modern poetry... if you give him a topic, he'll extemporaneously rhyme on the subject. His stage nom de plume is "T-Diamond Stylus." Go ahead, Nana, give him anything!

Grandma:
Is food okay? I like food.

Daughter:
Yeah. Of course!

Grandma:
How about... pineapple upside-down cake?

Tyler:
Yeah... sure, why not? Okay... mmm-hmm! Okay! Got it. Okay... the girls, they like me, they think I'm sweet like candy! One girl looked at me like I was a Hershey bar! Her name was Angie, and a few tall girls,they just looked at me blankly! So here's the thing you got to understand about me, I got more rhymes than a beehive has bees! So it didn't surprise, confuse or make me say "For heaven's sake", when a Hawaiian girl with a balance disorder said "You remind me of a pineapple upside-down cake"! Ho!

[first lines]

Mom:
At the end of high school, I fell in love with a substitute English teacher. It was quite a scandal. Corin didn't start out a bad guy, though. We were together about 10 years and we had two kids. And then he fell in love with someone in a Starbucks, and moved to Palo Alto, California. Kind of severed relations with the three of us. My parents, if I were defending them, which I'm not, had said, back in the day, that he had an "impatient eye."They didn't like him. Week I left, things escalated. My parents cursed at me, which was, like, crazy unusual. And it ended, one afternoon, very badly. I left at 19, haven't spoken to my parents in 15 years. Whatever. That's just the history.

Mom:
Recently, my parents looked me up on the Internet. Asked to meet their grandchildren. Spend a week with them. I looked my parents up, they have a counseling website. People love them. Ironically, they counsel people, which is a hoot. Whatever. I told the kids. They said they wanted to go. I told them I didn't want them to go. They said they were gonna go anyway. They're brats. What can I tell you? And my 15-year-old wants to make a documentary about this.

Becca:
[from off-screen] Wait, wait, wait. Go back. Um, describe the events on the day you left your parents' farm at 19.

Mom:
I did something I don't choose to tell you. If they choose to tell you, that's their right. Okay? I want to do this for you. Listen, they're good people. Ask them. Can I be done with my part? I still got to get you guys packed.

Becca:
[to the camera] I can't sleep. I need Nana's cookies. I'm gonna turn a personal addiction into a positive cinematic moment.

Becca:
Mom, you need to come and get us right now.

Loretta:
What? What happened?

Becca:
Mom, get in the car and come right now.

Loretta:
Do you know how long that would take by car, Rebecca?

Becca:
Mom, trust me. There's something wrong with Nana and Pop Pop. I'm telling you, you need to come and pick us up tonight.

Loretta:
Becca, you're scaring me. My heart is in my throat.

Becca:
We're okay now. Just come.

Loretta:
Where are they now?

Becca:
Uh, they're out-- they're outside by the chicken coops. They won't see you.

Loretta:
Becca--

[Tyler pans the camera to show the grandparents outside]

Becca:
They've been acting so strange, Mom. We've been recording them.

Loretta:
Becca, T-T--

Tyler:
I kept telling Becca something was wrong, didn't I?

Loretta:
Becca, Tyler--

Becca:
And Nana walks around at night with a knife. And Pop Pop had a gun in his mouth.

Loretta:
Tyler--

Becca:
I think he was trying to hurt himself.

Loretta:
Becca, Tyler, babies, I need you to listen to me very carefully. Becca, Tyler, just listen to me.

Becca:
We are.

Loretta:
Those aren't your grandparents.

Becca:
What are you talking about, Mom?

Loretta:
Where are Nana and Pop Pop? You've been staying with those people the whole time?

Tyler Jamison:
Any other crazy b*tch-ass f***ing people here?

Pop Pop:
We're all dying today, Becca.

Becca Jamison:
[after scaring Tyler; satisfied] We're even.

Tyler Jamison:
[after rapping about his ordeal with the fake grandparents, also his last lines] OH, Shania Twain, b*tches!