The Weather Man

Dave Spritz:
That was refreshing. I'm refreshed. I'm refreshing.

Dave Spritz:
The first time I was struck with something, it was a chicken breast from Kenny Rogers. I was standing next to a garbage pail. I thought it might've been an accident, that they were throwing it out. The second time, it hit me square on the chin, a soft taco. Then, pop. A falafel. McNuggets. Always fast food. Fast food. Sh*t people would rather throw out than finish. It's easy. It tastes all right, but it doesn't really provide you any nourishment. [pause] I'm fast food.

Dave Spritz:
Here's the thing: if you want your father to think you're not a silly f***, don't slap a guy across the face with a glove, because if you do that, that's what he will think. Unless you're a nobleman or something in the nineteenth century. Which I am not.

Dave Spritz:
[Thinking, while looking at a woman's butt while waiting to cross the street] Man, I'd like to put my face in there. Right in there. Tartar sauce. My hips are cold. Tartar sauce. That's when you know it's cold. I like eating p*ssy. Tartar sauce. A lot of guys don't. Well maybe they do. Maybe that's just black guys. Tartar sauce. What happened to the guy who was trying to fly around the world in a balloon? Did he make it? I should put some espionage or stolen plutonium in my novel. Tartar sauce. Spice it up. Neil Young. F***, it's cold. Neil Young. Why am I thinking about Neil Young? Neil Diamond. Neil... There's not a lot of famous Neils. Is this Wednesday? I wish I had two d*cks. I thought the whole family was going to learn Spanish together this year. That never really happened. I haven't had a Spanish omelette in a long time. Here we go.

Dave Spritz:
The other thing that gets to people, that leads to pies, I guess are these catch phrases we're required to use to single the program out. It gets under people's skin. Spritz Nipper. But the whole thing about all of it, all the getting hit with stuff, the whole thing is, who gets hit with a f***ing pie, anyway? Did anyone ever throw a pie at Thomas Jefferson? Or Buzz Aldrin? I doubt it. But this is like the ninth time I got--- [pause] clowns get hit with pies.

Dave Spritz:
I mean, I'll bet no one ever threw a pie at, like Harriet Tubman, the founder of the Underground railroad. I'll bet you a million f***ing dollars.

Dave Spritz:
I remember once imagining what my life would be like, what I'd be like. I pictured having all these qualities, strong positive qualities that people could pick up on from across the room. But as time passed, few ever became any qualities that I actually had. And all the possibilities I faced and the sorts of people I could be, all of them got reduced every year to fewer and fewer. Until finally they got reduced to one, to who I am. And that's who I am, the weather man.

Robert Spritzel:
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. "Easy" doesn't enter into grown-up life.

Robert Spritzel:
This sh*t life.... you must chuck some things. You must chuck them in this sh*t life.

Noreen:
[reading Dave's note about her from their group session] "Throughout marriage, BJs lacked enthusiasm. Had difference of opinion over how important that was. I thought very." You know what, Dave? You want to know why my BJs lacked enthusiasm? I hated you.

Robert Spritzel:
What happened to you?

Dave Spritz:
I got hit with a Frosty.

Robert:
What is a Frosty?

Dave:
It's a shake. From Wendy's.

Robert:
Why did you get hit with a shake?

Dave:
Do people call you names in school?

Shelly:
Like what?

Dave:
You know, like "dummy" if you miss a question... or cameltoe.

Shelly:
Yeah...cameltoe.

Shelly:
I heard they make tires out of camel toes.

Dave:
Yeah, I heard that, too.

Dave:
We both just think it's better for the kids.

Robert:
David, sacrifice is... to get anything of value, you have to sacrifice.

Dave:
I know that dad, but I think that if we continue down this road, it's gonna be too detrimental for the kids. It's just too hard.

Robert:
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. "Easy" doesn't enter into grown-up life.

In life, accuracy counts.

...bring an umbrella.

Dave Spritz is about to take his best shot. At life.