The Wild Wild West

[last lines]

James T. West:
Now with all that settled we're on our way to Chicago, right?

Laurie Morgan:
Wrong. I'm heading the other way. You see gentlemen like you still confuse me. Oh!

[Laurie kisses Jim]

Laurie Morgan:
I guess simple girl like me should just never leave home. Bye.

[Laurie leaves and Jim waves goodbye]

James T. West:
Artemus, it's going to be a long trip to Chicago.

[Artemus play "Annie Laurie" on his violin]

Artemus Gordon:
James my boy, you just can't win them all.

[Jim turns to leave and Artemus plays a taunting glissando]

Marshal Kirby:
I'm sorry, gentlemen. I wish we could help you, but if you still intend to find John Avery, there are two things we can offer you.

James T. West:
What's that?

Marshal Kirby:
Our condolences, and a decent burial.

Artemus Gordon:
Are we your prisoners, Mr. Avery?

John Maxwell Avery:
Prisoners sounds so melodramatic. Let's just say that you're my guests.

Artemus Gordon:
Which one would you like to take?

James T. West:
That one.

Artemus Gordon:
Why that one?

James T. West:
Why not that one, Artie?

Artemus Gordon:
Good, I didn't think you had a reason.

Frank Roach:
Well?

Zack Morton:
Well, just in case, one of us should stand watch outside.

Frank Roach:
Yeah. Maybe somebody'll sneak up on us from behind.

Zack Morton:
Well, it won't take brains in there, just, uh, muscle.

Frank Roach:
And guts.

Dooley Sloan:
But nobody ever worries about the doctor, do they? I wonder why.

Artemus Gordon:
I don't know why. Maybe it goes with the diploma and the black bag.

Judge Alonzo Fairlie:
You're mad, of course.

Dr. Miguelito Loveless:
Observe the classical magistrate's mind at work, Delilah. The judge does not understand me, ergo I am mad. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Dr. Miguelito Loveless. I plead guilty to being dictatorial, vain, short-tempered, occasionally unreasonable, always... always a helpless admirer of all that is rare and fine in nature and art. But mad... no sir that I will not permit.

[last lines]

[Artemus taking a bobbypin from Janet's hair]

Artemus Gordon:
If I may, please. Thank you. Now, then... I ever tell you about the time I was locked in a hotel in New Orleans with nothing but a small field pack and a, uh bowie knife?

[Artemus opens the lock on the cage]

Artemus Gordon:
There we are. Thank you.

Janet Coburn:
Why didn't you think of this two hours ago?

Artemus Gordon:
I did! Shall we dine, ladies?

[Artemus takes one girl each arm and exits the tent]

James T. West:
Where are the dancing girls?

Janet Coburn:
I have a couple of dancing bears. They might enjoy waltzing with you.

Warren Trevor:
These fresh animal skins dry and shrink at a very rapid rate under the hot sun. You'll literally be squeezed to death, but not before your eyeballs pop.

Jennifer Wingate:
So, I was wrong, darlings. But there must be some forgiverness in your hearts.

[Jim and Jennifer kiss]

Jennifer Wingate:
Life?

James T. West:
Ten years.

[kiss again]

James T. West:
Five.

[both them kiss again]

James T. West:
And of course time off for good behavior.

James T. West:
I'm sorry, but under the circumstances life imprisonment is almost madatory.

Jennifer Wingate:
Surely you must have some influence with the judge.

James T. West:
Mmm, mmm, under the circumstances my recommendation might do some good.

Jennifer Wingate:
I've already promised I will never again do any of those evil things.

James T. West:
Artemus, do you believe her?

Artemus Gordon:
I certainly do not.

Jennifer Wingate:
How can you say that?

Artemus Gordon:
Easily. I can't understand it, Jim. How can you sit there and let yourself be stung by the kiss of death?

[last lines]

Artemus Gordon:
Jim... I am simply appalled. How can you even consider leniency at a time like this? This woman tried to kill you. She tried to kill both of us.

Jennifer Wingate:
I've turned over a new leaf. That must count for something.

Artemus Gordon:
Besides, do we know how many other monstrous crimes she may have committed?

[Jennifer kisses Artemus]

Artemus Gordon:
W-Well, on the other hand, I mean, there is no need to be vindictive, either, you know. Poor little thing.

Captain Ansel Coffin:
To the cage!

Furman Crotty:
Every time I have to kill someone who's family, I get depressed.

Irish:
There are some that say that God looks after fools, drunkards, and the United States.

Artemus Gordon:
You deliver that vaccine and Jim West, maybe I'll discuss your terms.

Furman Crotty:
Gordon, I'm stunned by your sentimentality. Why, you're probably the type who approves of bronze-plating baby shoes. I, of course, approving of bronze-plating the baby, but...

Furman Crotty:
Welcome to Crotty's Genocide Club. the only truly liberal establishment of its kind. We'll kill anyone, no questions asked. Particularly you three.

Artemus Gordon:
Crotty, this epidemic has already reached monumental proportions. Thousands more are going to die. Don't you care how many people you kill?

Furman Crotty:
They're inferior. They're the great unwashed. Plymouth Rock should have landed on the pilgrims.

John Taney:
What the devil...?

Artemus Gordon:
No, sir. Secret Service.

Artemus Gordon:
You know, you gentlemen are all like the young lady from Niger who smiled as she rode on a tiger.

Asa Dempster:
What kind of nonsense is that?

Artemus Gordon:
They returned from the ride with the lady inside, and a smile on the face of the tiger. Have a pleasant ride, gentleman.

Jim West:
Artie, when are you going to get rid of that cat?

Artemus Gordon:
Listen, he stowed aboard in Denver, I'm going to see to it that he gets home.

Artemus Gordon:
[getting an idea] Well, they're expecting a "show"... who are *we* to *disappoint* them?

Jim West:
[offering a toast] To Baron Hinterstoisser: *wherever* he may *be*!

Hilda:
Why should I say it again?

Artemus Gordon:
Because when you say "supervisors", your nose crinkles up in the most adorable way, did you know that?

Artemus Gordon:
Did it ever occur to you that red might mean danger? For instance, red for fire, fire of explosion?

Jim West:
What would they want to explode?

Artemus Gordon:
People who fool around with their levers.

[last lines]

Artemus Gordon:
It was just a thought.

Jim West:
I'm glad it was a "just a thought", Artie.

Lily Fortune:
I wouldn't know if I were kissing you or some bomb.

Artemus Gordon:
I must say, you're a marvelous actress.

Lily Fortune:
Who's acting?

Lily Fortune:
That might be mother.

Artemus Gordon:
No,no, it's just Henrietta.

Lily Fortune:
Who's Henrietta?

Prudence Fortune:
Where did you learn to do that!

Lily Fortune:
At that expensive girl's college you sent me to.

Prudence Fortune:
I told you way back in high school he was an undependable sort.

Lily Fortune:
And you told me that Lincoln would never be president.

Carmen:
You prefer to dance in private?

James T. West:
Sometimes.

Dr. Faustina:
How did he did die?

[Miklos show cause of death]

Dr. Faustina:
He was hang, of couse his crime must be murder.

[Miklos pull the knife]

Dr. Faustina:
He killed a woman. Oh, how intersting. Murderers always make such good subjects. Their hearts are in the right place, so to speak. Of course his neck broken.

Artemus Gordon:
You don't look very dead.

Jim West:
I'm not even sick.

Dr. Miguelito Loveless:
Pitiful. Absolutely pitiful!

James T. West:
[while being searched by an uncredited henchman] There's a gatling gun in my left boot.

James T. West:
You were made to wear silk.

Carlotta Waters:
And you were made for a form-fitting pine box.

Thaddeus Baines:
Oh by the way, where is West today? I was told you two always work together.

Artemus Gordon:
Well, we always do work together. Separately.

Jim West:
Where are we roughly?

Artemus Gordon:
I'd say about five minutes away from dying of thirst or alkali poisoning.

James T. West:
You've changed my whole life through dynamic numerology.

President Ulysses S. Grant:
You know, Mr. Gordon, it's men like you who will eventually take all the fun out of war.

Jim West:
What's your name?

Gatita:
Gatita.

Jim West:
Little pussycat.

Gatita:
I promise I won't scratch.

Jim West:
When I find the other pussycat, maybe you and I can go out and chase a ball of yarn.

Flory:
You won't have to worry about that after tomorrow, Monsieur West. After tomorrow, you will be dead.

Jim West:
The beds in this town, they're pure murder.

Flory:
Any last words, Monsieur West?

Adam Barclay:
I have the perfect secretary, Mr. West.

James T. West:
Congratulations.

Adam Barclay:
Efficient as a stiletto, silent as the grave, and discrete as a hangman's wife.

Artemus Gordon:
You know, there's only one thing that's better than California's beautiful wine.

James T. West:
Mmm-hmm. It's beautiful women.

Artemus Gordon:
Oh, he says everything right.

Karl Crenshaw:
You can't sing with a rag over your face!

Jim West:
I promised you a dance, Astarte.

Lilith:
A dance? What...?

Jim West:
A minuet. From the highest gallows we can find. Remember?

Asmodeus:
Enough! You're a poor audience.

Jim West:
Oh no, we're good audience. You're a poor entertainer.

Count Carlos Mario Vincenzo Robespierre Manzeppi:
Allow me to present myself. I am the Count Mario Vincenzo Robespierre Manzeppi; adventurer, poet, and lover of all that is corrupt, forbidden, and blasphemous.

James T. West:
Charmed, I'm sure.

Count Carlos Mario Vincenzo Robespierre Manzeppi:
Mr. West! You have succeeded in making me lose my temper!

James T. West:
Is that bad?

Count Carlos Mario Vincenzo Robespierre Manzeppi:
For you it will be highly traumatic.

Deadeye:
Fall down, Tony... you're dead.

Count Carlos Mario Vincenzo Robespierre Manzeppi:
Adieu, Mr. West. I'd love to stay and watch, but unfortunately the smell of scorched people disagrees with me.

James T. West:
Well, I'm flattered. Are you asking me to join your group?

Count Carlos Mario Vincenzo Robespierre Manzeppi:
Why not? You have much to offer us. Oh, a certain flair for assassination. A charming capacity to overcome odds. In short, style. We can use you.

James T. West:
You'll, uh, you'll turn my head, Count.

Count Carlos Mario Vincenzo Robespierre Manzeppi:
Now you are in the cradle of Limbo. Suspended halfway betwixt Elysium and Hades.

James T. West:
Oh. I always did want to get away from it all.

Count Carlos Mario Vincenzo Robespierre Manzeppi:
Act one to you, Mr. West. But when the mists rise and the sudden silences fall... look for me.

Villar:
[through his dummy Julio] Golly, Golly, Golly. What's Mr. Markham going to do now?

Count Carlos Mario Vincenzo Robespierre Manzeppi:
Well, what can he do now, Julio? Nothing. Except die.

James T. West:
Arte, why didn't you search her?

Artemus Gordon:
You told me not to.

James T. West:
What's life without a woman's touch?

Sean O'Reilley:
What's death without a woman's touch?

Sean O'Reilley:
Tie Mr. West up. We'll take him along.

[looking around the hotel room after the explosion]

James T. West:
What do we do now?

Artemus Gordon:
I think we better call the housekeeper. This place is a mess.

Artemus Gordon:
Think of that. Five minutes, underwater, submerged, and you'd still survive. That is, if somebody was trying to drown you.

James T. West:
What if doesn't work?

Artemus Gordon:
Bring it back. I'll make you a new one.

Artemus Gordon:
Jim... you ever wonder what might of happened if Amelie had pointed that gun a little higher when she shot you?

James T. West:
I think the box office would have refunded the money.

James T. West:
Did she get away?

Artemus Gordon:
Free and clear.

Lt. Armand Renard:
Monsieur, I am appalled. How could you ley such a thing happen? And with your revolver?

[West taking the revolver back]

James T. West:
She didn't have one of her own. Thank you.

James T. West:
Whatever you do, don't go in there.

[Artemus opens the door and close it]

Artemus Gordon:
There's a tiger in there!

James T. West:
Nooo...

Dr. Miguelito Loveless:
Squab, gentlemen? Or would you rather eat crow?

Dr. Miguelito Loveless:
Well what can one say at a time like this, Mr. West?

James T. West:
Au revoir?

Dr. Miguelito Loveless:
No. Just goodbye. One and forever... goodbye, Mr. West.

James T. West:
How did you get into the Secret Service with hayfever?

Artemus Gordon:
Kept it a secret.

Artemus Gordon:
What are they doing?

James T. West:
They're trying to break out and get to the doctor. I guess they want to kill him. We'd better go down and stop them.

Artemus Gordon:
Ahhh... Why?

James T. West:
Must be some reason.

Artemus Gordon:
I can't think of any.

James T. West:
It is a problem.

Artemus Gordon:
Um-hmmm...

[the door burst open. Arcularis begins to cry out and scream]

James T. West:
Say... do you suppose that woman could be conditioned so that she'd never nag, never complain, never be anything but sweet and warm and understanding? Kind?

James T. West:
You've got a reasonal.

[they race for Arcularis's lab]

Artemus Gordon:
Now, where is he?

Sikes:
They'll kill me if I tell you.

Artemus Gordon:
And I'll kill you if you don't. The only difference is, I'll do it now.

James T. West:
[In response to Dr. Arcularis' sadistic demonstration on a caged prisoner] It's too bad you weren't around during the Inquisition. You would have been very good at it.

Dr. Arcularis:
Yes, I've often regretted that.

Dr. Arcularis:
[Addressing the cornered James West] What are those lovely words from Ecclesiastes? I always forget them.

James T. West:
"A time to weep, and a time to laugh"?

Dr. Arcularis:
Ah. My favorite is, "A time to be born, and a time to die."

Artemus Gordon:
[Offering Ahkeema a drink] Will you join me?

Ahkeema:
Don't you realize it's a federal offense to offer "fire water" to an Indian?

Artemus Gordon:
Forgive me.

Ahkeema:
Four years of college taught me many things: A respect for calculus, Blackstone and Shakespeare. And nothing but contempt for the white man's vices.

Artemus Gordon:
There's one thing your four years of college didn't teach you, Ahkeema.

Ahkeema:
What is that?

Artemus Gordon:
Good manners.

Orkney Cadwallader:
I hate clever men!

Faith Cadwallader:
I hate you, father!

Orkney Cadwallader:
That's a very healthy symptom, my daughter! When you can transfer those violent emotions from me to a suitable young man, your future happiness will be assured.

Faith Cadwallader:
[Exasperated] Father!

Orkney Cadwallader:
You know, earlier you were Antigone, and now you've become Electra. You've run the whole gamut of Greek drama!

James T. West:
Bombs are like women, gentlemen: you should never let them know you don't trust them.

[in a brawl, Jim smashes the judge's face into a large cake]

Artemus Gordon:
Did you have to ruin my cake?

Jim West:
It was either your cake or my reputation.

Cefalu:
[Artie, disguised as a chef, is finishing decorating a cake] A dog would not eat that!

Artemus Gordon:
Of course not; it wasn't meant for you.

Artemus Gordon:
Maybe I ought to throw him in the pit, huh? With some of his little friends.

James T. West:
He'd probably poison them.

James T. West:
You wanted the world?

[tosses globe to General Cassinello]

James T. West:
Here!

James T. West:
See anyone you know?

Artemus Gordon:
The one with the blue eyes looks familiar.

James T. West:
It wasn't your money.

Lydia Monteran:
It was... until you made me give it back.

James T. West:
What are you going to do with the girl?

Gen. Andreas Cassinello:
When you talk, I will decide.

James T. West:
When you decide, I will talk.

James T. West:
You're the biggest Chinese I've ever seen.

Juan Manolo:
We are a remarkably versatile race.

James T. West:
[to Lydia Monteran] I knew you'd do a lot for money but I thought you'd draw the line at murder.

Gen. Andreas Cassinello:
[to James T. West] If you hurt me, it'll take you a week to die.

President Ulysses S. Grant:
[to James West] You're the finest underground intelligence officer we have.

Juan Manolo:
I find you very amusing, Mr. West.

Artemus Gordon:
Hey! I've got a little bone I want to pick with you.

Jim West:
Me?

Artemus Gordon:
Yeah, the next time - if there is a next time - do you mind not hanging around till the last minute before letting me know that you're there?

Jim West:
Hey, Artie, I showed up as soon as I could!

Zeke Montgomery:
You're not the Governor. You're a wonderfully endowed face, a commanding presence, a bell-like silver voice. You're a hollow tin-plated fraud, Brubaker! I am the Governor. I made you. I put you into office. I created your Black Legion. I write your speeches for you, tell you what to say, what to think, what to reach for, who to reward, who to execute. You're a Greek mask that I speak through. Don't ever forget that.

Zeke Montgomery:
I am the power, I warn you, not Brubaker! Me! You fools - Brubaker was nothing! It was me! His ideas were mine, his speeches were mine, everything he did I was responsible for, me! Come back! Come back! I will lead you, came back to me! [to a nearly empty hall:] It was meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Zeke Montgomery:
[calmer:] It *was* me.

Jim West:
Yeah, we know.

Artemus Gordon:
By the way, what is your name?

Jim West:
James. James West.

Artemus Gordon:
How do you do, James? It's an odd thing, but I have this ridiculous feeling that you and I have done all this before. Isn't that ridiculous? Well, it was fun while it lasted, wasn't it, James?

Jim West:
It's not over yet. I've gone to too much trouble to find you.

Artemus Gordon:
You, have too much trouble to find me.

Jim West:
The Colonel is a rather unique travel agent.

Artemus Gordon:
And a most unusual magician, too.

Col. Noel Bartley Vautrain:
So! The weary way-worn wanderer is returned. Pleasant trip?

Jim West:
Artie... is that really you?

Artemus Gordon:
In that badly bruised flesh. Who were you expecting, President Grant?

Jim West:
Hmm?

Dr. Miguelito Loveless:
Really, you can be quite exasperating. What kind of remark is that, "mmmhamm"?

Jim West:
Artie, you look a little pecked. How about a snack?

[showing Artemus a turkey leg]

Artemus Gordon:
I appreciate your concern. Right now I'd rather worry about Dr. Loveless.

Jim West:
Worry, and eat. We need a weapon, don't we?

Artemus Gordon:
What are you going to do, chuck him to death on a bone?

Jim West:
Something like that.

Artemus Gordon:
Would you mind telling me what you've got in mind?

Jim West:
Just an idea. I need a little time to work it out.

Artemus Gordon:
You wouldn't have any giblet gravy in your pocket, would you?

Jim West:
Ever kill a man with giblet gravy?

[last lines]

Jim West:
I'll miss him. That little man with a giant rage against the whole universe.

Artemus Gordon:
As Kitty said, who can blame the poor little one?

Kitten Twitty:
He isn't dead, is he?

Dr. Miguelito Loveless:
No, but he'll soon wish he were dead. But we won't let him die, will we, Kitten. Not for a long, long time. Oh, how he's gonna beg for it.

Corporal Simon:
There are 105 iron cannonballs in these three pyramids. Each ball weighs forty-two pounds. And there's only one minor little problem.

James T. West:
Someone stacked them in the wrong place.

Corporal Simon:
You got brains, too. On the other side of the parade ground. Start stacking.

James T. West:
You realize, of course, this may ruin our friendship.

Corporal Simon:
I'll take that chance. Start stacking.

Dr. Sara Gibson:
I've examined you thoroughly. There are no broken bones but you are a mass of contusions and bruises.

James T. West:
Well, cannonballs usually do have that effect on me.

Corporal Simon:
Take a good look around, Cort. You won't be seeing sunshine again.

James T. West:
Take a good look around, Cort. You won't be seeing sunshine again.

Artemus Gordon:
"Thanks Artie"? Is that all you can say to me? I've just come back from the grave risen like Lazarus, and that's what you say? "Thanks Artie"?

Jim West:
Thanks, Artie.

Artemus Gordon:
It's a pleasure.

Jim West:
Did I hear big mouth correctly?

Artemus Gordon:
Yup. They're going to hang you and take me with them. No hard feelings, Jim.

Jim West:
I resent that.

Dr. Miguelito Loveless:
Come back... you... you fraidy cat!

Dr. Miguelito Loveless:
You, Mr. Gordon. You didn't play fair! You cheated.

Artemus Gordon:
A weakness. So sue me!

Artemus Gordon:
The damsel in distress is no damsel.

Dr. Miguelito Loveless:
Don't be absurd. I am a genius.

Jim West:
You'll never pull it off.

Dr. Miguelito Loveless:
I will so!

Dr. Miguelito Loveless:
There's only room for one in my new world. My glorious new world.

Dr. Miguelito Loveless:
Ah, there you are.

Artemus Gordon:
No, you have us confused with somebody else. We're over there.

Dr. Miguelito Loveless:
Mr. Gordon, you're such a wit!

Artemus Gordon:
You've said that before, many times.

Dr. Miguelito Loveless:
And I say it again-now, Mr. Gordon... on the floor!

Col. Pellargo #2:
My people are completely dedicated to two basic objectives. The first is eking out a basic hand-to-mouth existence. And the second...

James T. West:
Trying to assassinate you.

Col. Pellargo #2:
From time to time, yes. I'm a reasonable man. I'm willing to grant them the first, but never the second.

Claudio Antille:
My arm is hurting.

Fabian Lavendor:
Yes, well I can see you've got a wound there and I'll take care of it. The blood, don't drop it on the carpet because it gives the mourners a very bad impression.

James T. West:
I want to check the missing person file.

Artemus Gordon:
All right, Jim, now it's my turn to ask. Why?

James T. West:
Because, Artie... things aren't always what they seem to be.

General Grimm:
Private West, you will be executed at dawn by a firing squad.

James T. West:
[to Sgt. Musk] What do I get? Fifty lashes?

Jeremiah:
You know, when I go into the hills at night and I play my music, my brother the coyote answers me and tells me of his yellow day. And in the cool of the evening my sister the mockingbird sings, tells me of her joy of being alive. And in the first heat of the morning, my brother the lizard tells me of his.

James T. West:
Where are you headed for now, Jeremiah?

Jeremiah:
Home.

Artemus Gordon:
Where's that?

Jeremiah:
I don't know where that is yet.

James T. West:
What happened to you?

Artemus Gordon:
Fighting on the Sabbath? Never on a Sunday.

James T. West:
Back to Washington, huh, Ned?

Ned Brown:
Nope. I'm off on a well-deserved vacation.

James T. West:
London, Paris or Rome?

Ned Brown:
[Shaking head no] I'm going to make a big dream come true. And do you know what my big dream is? I'm going to spend my vacation all alone... on a desert island.

Artemus Gordon:
Naomi. "My sweetness". That's what Naomi means in Hebrew, did you know that?

Naomi Buckley:
Really? And what does Artemus mean?

Jim West:
It means "He who wastes little time".

Col. James Richmond:
You look a lot healthier than the last time I saw you.

Artemus Gordon:
You killed me once this week. Isn't that enough?

Sen. Stephen Fenlow:
Quick thinking, Adulfus, but your brother was an only child, too.

Lorelei:
James! I've been waiting for you all evening.

Artemus Gordon:
Well, I haven't. Where have you been and do you have to stay?

James T. West:
Artie, if you keep stealing my girlfriends you're going to end up dead again.

James T. West:
Artie you couldn't be quiet, not even at your own funeral, could you?

Artemus Gordon:
Well, somebody had to tell the truth.

Artemus Gordon:
[Artie and West enter a saloon where everyone is frozen solid like statues] I've heard of people being stoned, but this is ridiculous.

James T. West:
[Jim's patience is wearing thin with a pompous governor who a barber is shaving in the governor's office] I know how to shave myself.

[West and Gordon are holed up behind a wagon, firing at a bunch of Loveless's men]

Jim West:
Know where the ambassador is?

Artemus Gordon:
Yeah, saloon basement. He's all right.

Jim West:
Think you can find him?

Artemus Gordon:
What? And leave you here all alone?

Jim West:
There's only four of them.

[Artemis shoots]

Artemus Gordon:
Three. Hardly seems worth your while.

Jim West:
I thought you were dead.

Dr. Miguelito Loveless:
Oh, no, Mr. West! I'm afraid I shall never die. Death is too ordinary. The humiliation would kill me.

Millard Boyer:
[West is led into a cell of Sazanov's prison] Hello. I'm Millard Boyer, American Vice-Consul.

James T. West:
I'm James West. I was sent by President Grant to rescue you.

Millard Boyer:
I see. And who is the President sending to rescue you?

James T. West:
[Later, Artie is led into the prison cell where Boyer is being kept] Mr. Boyer, I'd like you to meet my partner, Artemus Gordon.

Artemus Gordon:
How do you do?

Millard Boyer:
Young man, have you come to rescue me too?

Artemus Gordon:
[Sheepishly] That was the idea, yes.

Millard Boyer:
If President Grant sends enough men we may yet outnumber the Cossacks.

Lady Beatrice Marquand-Gaynesford:
Oh, I hate you!

Jim West:
You've just made my day.

Artemus Gordon:
You know something? I got a big mouth.

Artemus Gordon:
Can't we play a little roulette or something? I'm wearing my lucky molar.

Jim West:
Yeah, but it's got a cavity in it.

Artemus Gordon:
These things are ridiculous.

Jim West:
Artie, it's very colorful.

Artemus Gordon:
Blue, that's the color, blue! I'll die of pneumonia!

Jim West:
If you're going to die, blue's a lovely color.

Col. Tacitus Mosely:
I'll be frank with you, Mr. West. You're everything I find unlikable in a man. I hope you don't mind my saying so. Please sit down, make yourself comfortable.

James T. West:
Thank you. No, no, go on, but I must say that you've carved out a small reputation for yourself in that department. But please go on.

Col. Tacitus Mosely:
Well, for instance, you're young, and I no longer am.

James T. West:
Well, I apologize for that.

Col. Tacitus Mosely:
A certain type of impressionable female probably still finds you attractive, and never was that the case for me.

James T. West:
I apologize for that too.

Emma Valentine:
What do you demand of a woman, intelligence or beauty?

Jim West:
Beauty if they're intelligent. Intelligence if they're beautiful.

Emma Valentine:
Well, Mr. West, I regard myself, not as a criminal, but as savior of all womankind.

Jim West:
Interesting... and what do women have to be saved from?

Emma Valentine:
From domination of the spirit, economic exploitation, annihilation of the mind - in brief, all the injustices wrought by men.

[after extracting information from her computer]

Emma Valentine:
Your ideal mate, Mr. West, is a combination of Aphrodite, Helen of Troy and Lola Montez. Oh, Mr. West, I'm afraid it can't be done.

Jim West:
Well, frankly, I like to do my own shopping anyway.

Marquis Philippe de La Mer:
You imply that I'm not practical?

James T. West:
No, I said you're cracked.

[La Mer slaps West in the face]

Artemus Gordon:
Come out, I am not going to hurt you.

Voltaire:
No, I hurt you. [Puch Artemus in the face]

Artemus Gordon:
I didn't know you liked toys.

Jim West:
Toys,no-dolls,yes.

Priscilla Ames:
You know, for a man who's always getting blown up, you have very soft skin.

Voltaire:
Hit him again?

Dr. Miguelito Loveless:
No, no. Not yet, Voltaire, you know better than to kill a man when he's not looking.

Jim West:
How is Artie bearing up under his Washington assignment, sir?

President Grant:
The question is, how is Washington bearing up.

Talamantes:
[Leandra screams after seeing a spider] Please do not scream again, princess, it deafened me.

Dr. Miguelito Loveless:
You meddler! You interfering meddler! You... vile... egegious... Secret Service man!

Dr. Miguelito Loveless:
You are unarmed, aren't you?

James T. West:
Would you like to search me?

Dr. Miguelito Loveless:
[to James T. West] I want you to suffer. After you've suffered enough, you'll beg me for death.

Dr. Miguelito Loveless:
[after accidentally breaking a glass, cutting himself] I've lived so long with pain, I no longer feel it.