The Wizard

[about her mom]

Haley:
She packed it in. She was a showgirl. Great legs. I got her legs, what do you think?

Lucas:
Hey, it's the wizard! I hope you don't get nervous like last time. We wouldn't want you to..."wiz" on someone!

Sam:
I don't believe this. I got the scroll weapon, and I almost beat Mecha-Turtle at the end of level three!

Corey:
It's like the Adventures of Link. He has to find Zelda, you have to find a house. Same difference!

Haley:
Boy, is THAT sexist.

Corey:
It's not sexist! It's... romantic.

Corey:
So, according to this, we're in Goblin Valley. Great. I mean, I mean, I mean... it couldn't be Happy Valley or Wonderful Valley. Goblin Valley. Why not, Axe Murderer's Valley?

Putnam:
All right, I'm looking for a couple of kids. This one's a mental case, have you seen them?

Pinball Teen:
Does he dress like you?

Putnam:
No.

Pinball Teen:
Then he can't be too much of a case, all right?

Corey:
[as he puts his arm around Haley] Yeah, well, uh, just keep your Power Gloves off her, pal, huh?

Corey:
50,000! You scored 50,000 points on Double Dragon?

Lucas:
I love the Power Glove. It's so bad.

Nick:
That cannot possibly be one of the four major food groups

Sam:
It's a casserole genius.

Haley:
[shouts] Aaaaaaaah! He touched my breast!

[Sam is playing Zelda II The Adventures Of Link]

Nick:
Pop I think we got it.

Sam:
Wait a second. I'm on the sixth palace of Hyrule. Yeah! I got past the river devil.

Nick:
Terrific.

[Turns off the Nintendo]

Sam:
What the hell are you doing? I had the magic key. I got the cross. I was closing in on the barbarian!

Nick:
You're losing it pop.

[Sam is driving]

Sam:
Hey where the hell are we?

[eats a donut]

Nick:
What is that? Donuts?

Sam:
Yeah. So?

Nick:
That's disgusting.

Sam:
Ha ha. From the guy who steals my pickup, who stays up drinking. From the guy with a foul mouth, that's a compliment.

Corey:
Two tickets to California.

Bus Clerk:
Do you have someplace specific in mind or do you just want to be dumped off at the border?

Corey:
Is Los Angeles specific enough?

[repeated line]

Jimmy Woods:
California.

Putnam:
All right! All right! This is no need to get crazy. It's very hot. This is a professional matter.

Sam:
Yeah!

Nick:
You know Bateman, I always knew that you were a jerk. I just until now thought that it was guilt by association.

Putnam:
I want all of your driver's license numbers! Every one of ya! I want your driver's license numbers!

Spankey:
So you touched her breast, huh?

Putnam:
Oh, my God! All right! All right! Let's not lose our tempers. It's very hot... [silenced by a punch from Spankey]

Putnam:
[talking on the phone about Haley] I touched her breast. She doesn't have any breasts!

Haley:
Corey! You're so *thick*!

Nick:
You eat the casserole.

Haley:
Hi, I'm Haley. If you don't tell me what you're doing, I'm going to scream.

Corey:
Could you scream quietly?

Haley:
What do you think I'm stupid?

Corey:
Where are we?

Haley:
Does it matter? We're broke.

Corey:
Oh yeah you're telling me! You're the one with all the trucker friends, the one who knows all the codes.

Haley:
I got you this far, didn't I?

Corey:
Oh, I don't even know where "this" is!

Haley:
A lot of faith you got.

Corey:
Oh will you stop Haley? I mean we don't have any money. Aren't you just a little scared?

Haley:
I don't get scared! Now give me the four bucks you're holding out on.

Corey:
What?

Haley:
You flashed 21, you stashed four from the change at lunch. They didn't get it because you put it in your shorts. Now dish it up!

Corey:
You're getting awful personal you know.

Haley:
I don't get scared.

Corey:
[puts on mask] Never? [Haley punches him]

Bateman:
Jimmy just picks up his little lunch pail. What is in that thing? And off he goes. He can go anywhere: downtown, the canyons, the river...

Christine Bateman:
He doesn't go to the river! He never even goes near the river!

Bateman:
Okay, he stays away from the river. But I'm telling you anytime, I mean he could just pick up and go, The Happy Wanderer at the stroke of midnight, if he feels the urge, in the middle of his Frosted Flakes. "I've got the neighborhood on red alert and I'm putting the cops on overtime!"

Haley:
What's his problem?

Corey:
Jimmy's just shy.

Haley:
Shy a few bricks I'd say.

Corey:
No he's okay. He just kicked ass on Double Dragon.

Lucas:
Pick any game you want. I'm good at all of 'em. I've got 97 of 'em.

Haley:
You know all 97 of them?

Haley:
[Corey tries to kiss Haley but gets shoved down] I know what you were trying to do and you can just forget it. There is no way. I am not kissing a boy.

Corey:
A girl maybe?

Haley:
You smart ass! [Grabs Corey and kisses him]

Studio Tour Guide:
Please, sit down and have fun! Just, just sit down and have fun, dammit!

Sam:
[shouting out to Putnam, who is escaping after bumping into his truck] CHICKEN SH*T!

Sam:
[after bumping his truck into Putnam's car] Sorry about that!

Putnam:
WOODS! You maniac! I'm gonna sue! Ya hear me? I'm gonna SUE your ass when this is over!

Sam:
You make money off of little kids, you miserable jerk! YA OUGHTA BE SHOT!

Haley:
You're a quitter Corey! And I don't care if you did like me! Your attitude sucks!

[Corey looks confused]

Corey:
You wanted me to like you?

Haley:
[ruefully] Not anymore.

[Haley turns and walks away]

Corey:
[disappointed] Great!

Corey(to Jimmy):
Do you have to a pig out of yourself?

Hailey:
That's the magic flute! Use it,use it! It opens the warp!