The Wolf of Wall Street

Jordan Belfort:
[voiceover] I'm a former member of the middle class raised by two accountants in a tiny apartment in Bayside, Queens. The year I turned 26, as the head of my own brokerage firm, I made $49 million, which really pissed me off because it was three shy of a million a week.

Jordan Belfort:
On a daily basis, I consume enough drugs to sedate Manhattan, Long Island, and Queens for a month.

Jordan Belfort:
I take Quaaludes 10 to 15 times a day for my "back pain," Adderall to stay focused, Xanax to take the edge off, pot to mellow me out, cocaine to wake me back up again, and morphine, well, because it's awesome.

Jordan Belfort:
Her p*ssy was like heroin to me. And it wasn't just about the sex either. Naomi and I got along. I mean, we had similar interests and sh*t.

Jordan Belfort:
An IPO is an initial public offering. It's a first time a stock is offered for sale to the general population. Now as the firm taking the company public, we set the initial sales price, then sold those shares right back to our friends. The i- Look, I-I know you're not following what I'm saying anyway, right? That's-that's okay. That doesn't matter. The real question is this: was all this legal? Absolutely f***ing not. But we were making more money than we knew what do with.

Jordan Belfort:
Let me tell you something. There's no nobility in poverty. I've been a poor man, and I've been a rich man. And I choose rich every f***ing time.

Jordan Belfort:
This right here is the land of opportunity. This is America. This is my home! The show goes on! [quoting from Norma Rae] They're gonna need to send in the National Guard to take me out, 'cause I ain't going nowhere!

Jordan Belfort:
FYI boys, Danielle has promised to use this $10,000 for breast implants. She's already got C-cups, but now she wants F***IN' DOUBLE D'S!

Jordan Belfort:
[voiceover] Donnie and I were going out on our own. And the first thing we needed was brokers. Guys with sales experience. So I recruited some of my hometown boys: Sea Otter, who sold meat and weed; Chester, who sold tires and weed; and Robbie, who sold anything he could get his hands on, mostly weed.

Jordan Belfort:
[about his affair with Naomi] I felt horrible. Three days later, I filed for a divorce and moved Naomi into the apartment.

Jordan Belfort:
Look, I knew these guys weren't like Harvard MBAs. Robbie Feinberg, the Pinhead, took five years to finish high school. Alden Kupferberg, the Sea Otter, didn't even graduate. Chester Ming, the depraved China man, thought jujitsu was in Israel. Smartest of the bunch was Nicky Koskoff. He actually went to law school. I called him Rugrat because of his piece of sh*t hairpiece. Still, give them to me young, hungry, and stupid, and in no time, I'll make 'em rich.

Donnie Azoff:
[peeing on his subpoena] F*** you, U.S.A. F*** you, U.S.A. F*** you! F*** you!

Donnie Azoff:
[to Max] A rich one!

Donnie Azoff:
[Shouting at an employee for cleaning a fish bowl] On new issue day?! On cock sucking mother f***ing new issue day?! This is what you do.

Patrick Denham:
Let me give you some legal advice: Shut the f*** up!

Jordan:
[to the waiter] Oh, I'm good with water for now.

Mark Hanna:
It's his first day on Wall Street. Give him time.

Mark Hanna:
You gotta stay relaxed. Do you jerk off?

Jordan:
Do I jerk off? Yeah.

Mark Hanna:
How many times a week?

Jordan:
Like um... three, three or four times maybe.

Mark Hanna:
All right, pump those numbers up, those are rookie numbers in this racket. I myself, I jerk off at least... twice a day.

Jordan:
Wow.

Mark Hanna:
The name of the game, moving the money from the client's pocket to your pocket.

Jordan:
But if you can make your clients money at the same time it's advantageous to everyone, correct?

Mark Hanna:
No.

Donnie:
How much money you make?

Jordan:
$70,000 last month.

Donnie:
Get the f*** outta here!

Jordan:
Well technically, $72,000 last month.

Donnie:
You show me a pay stub for $72,000, I quit my job right now and work for you.

[later, on the phone]

Donnie:
Hey Paulie, what's up? No, everything's fine. Hey listen, I quit!

Jordan:
I heard some stupid sh*t. I... I didn't even want to bring it up. It's just... stupid.

Donnie:
Sh*t with me?

Jordan:
You know, just... people say sh*t. I don't even know. I don't even listen to it half the time.

Donnie:
What do they say?

Jordan:
Sh*t about you and your cousin or something like that. I don't even listen to it. It doesn't even...

Donnie:
No... it's not like that. It's not like that.

Jordan:
You know what I mean? Like you married your cousin or some stupid sh*t, you know?

Donnie:
Yeah, my wife... yeah, my wife is my cousin or whatever. But it's not like what you think or whatever, you know...

Jordan:
Is she like a... first cousin, or is she...

Donnie:
Yeah, no. She... you know, her... her father is the... is the brother of my mom.

Jordan:
Mhm.

Donnie:
It's not like... Look. We grew up together, and she grew up hot, you know. She f***in' grew up hot and all of my friends were trying to f*** her, you know, and I wasn't... I'm not gonna let someone, you know, one of these a**holes f*** my cousin. So I, you know, used the cousin thing as like... like an in with her. I'm not gonna let someone else f*** my cousin, you know? If anyone is gonna f*** my cousin it's gonna be me, out of... out of respect, you know?

Jordan:
[voiceover] I f***ed her brains out... for eleven seconds.

Naomi:
Did you just cum?

Jordan:
Oh yeah. I just came. Did you? Did you cum?

Naomi:
No.

Jordan:
No? Okay. I'm still hard. Just give me a second.

Naomi:
Sure.

Jordan:
[holding his child] Does Daddy get a kiss from both of his little girls?

Naomi:
Oh, no. No, Daddy doesn't even get to touch Mommy for a very, very... very long time.

Jordan:
Daddy's really sorry about what he said in the other room; he didn't mean any of it!

Naomi:
Daddy shouldn't waste his time. And from now on... it's gonna be nothing but short, short skirts around the house. And you know something else, Daddy? Mommy is just so sick and tired of wearing panties. [spreads her legs to show him]

Jordan:
Yeah?

Naomi:
Yeah. [pushes him away with her legs] But no touching.

Jordan:
Oh, gosh.

Donnie:
I got a couple of mil' comin' in like a week. And when it gets in, I'll give you a call and you come pick it up.

Brad:
You'll give me a call?

Donnie:
When it gets here, I'll give you a call and you'll come pick it up.

Chantalle:
Well, we don't work for you, man!

Donnie:
Sweetheart, you have my money taped to your tits. Technically, you do work for me.

Donnie:
I check my messages every day when I come home from work... my answering machine... zero! I got a blinking light because I don't have sh*t from you. I got my wife... I got my wife checking the messages every 45 minutes calling the office saying. "Has Brad apologized yet? Is there an apology message on the machine?" I don't have jack-sh*t. You know what? That's not how you treat people.

Brad:
You gotta be a f***ing pal... You know what, I'm gonna give you a f***ing pass, just give me the case.

Donnie:
You're gonna give me a pass?

Brad:
Look, it's a figure of f***ing speech, just give me the f***ing...

Donnie:
Oh my God, the emperor of F***sville came down from F***sville to give me a pass! Hey, what are the citizens of F***sville doing today when their emperor's gone? Is it, is it mayhem? Are people looting and raping? What are all the little f***heads doing while you're here?

Jordan:
You guys hungry? Want something to eat? We got some, uh, pasta, shrimp, lobster. I got whiskey, any kind of booze you want.

Denham:
You know what? The Bureau doesn't allow us to drink while we're at sea.

Jordan:
Duh!

Denham:
Most of the Wall Street jackasses I bust are douchebags, just like their fathers before them and their fathers before them. But you ... you, Jordan, got this way all on your own.

Jordan:
Did I?

Denham:
Good for you, little man.

Jordan:
Me, the little man?

Denham:
Let me tell you something else. This is one of the nicest boats I'd ever been on. I gotta tell ya.

Jordan:
I bet it is.

Denham:
Hey, you wanna know what I was just thinking too? The hero I'm going to be back at the office when the Bureau seizes this boat.

Jordan:
[laughing] All right, get the f*** off my boat. Good luck on that subway ride home to your miserable, ugly wives. I'm going to go get Heidi to lick some caviar off my balls.

Jordan:
You want a beer, pal?

Donnie:
What are you drinkin'?

Jordan:
I got this non-alcoholic sh*t...

Donnie:
What's that?

Jordan:
It's like a non-alcoholic beer. It's got no... no alcohol.

Donnie:
It's a beer?

Jordan:
Yeah, with no alcohol.

Donnie:
But, you drink enough and... you drink a lot and it'll get you f***ed up?

Jordan:
No, there's no alcohol. That's the f***in' point.

Donnie:
I'm not a scientist; I don't know what the f*** you're talking about. I can get you beer if you want f***in' beer.

Jordan:
I know, but I don't drink, remember? I don't drink anymore?

Donnie:
What, you wanna go inside and blow some lines of baking powder, baking soda? Can't imagine ever not enjoying getting f***ed up. I love it.

Jordan:
Yeah...

Donnie:
How's being sober?

Jordan:
It f***in' sucks.

Donnie:
Boring, right?

Jordan:
So boring. I'm gonna kill myself.

[Naomi finds Jordan snorting cocaine]

Naomi:
Look at yourself, Jordan. Sick! You're a sick man!

Jordan:
[shouts] F*** you! I told you you're not taking my f***ing kids! You f***ing...

Naomi:
You think I would let my kids near you! Look at yourself! You know what my lawyer said? My lawyer said that you're going to prison for 20 years, Jordan. Twenty f***ing years! You're never gonna see the kids again!

Jordan:
You don't think I'm gonna see my kids!

Naomi:
No! I'm not letting you near my kids!

[Jordan walks to his daughter's bedroom.]

Naomi:
[trying to stop Jordan] Don't you f***ing touch her!

[Jordan punches Naomi in the stomach]

Jordan:
Don't you f***ing touch me!

Ted:
What the f*** is going on out there?!

Jordan:
The jet skis just went overboard!

Jordan Belfort:
Mr. Hanna, you're able to do drugs during the day and then still function, still do your job?

Mark Hanna:
How the f*** else are you supposed to do this job? Cocaine and hookers, my friend.

Mark Hanna:
Get us two Absolut martinis. You know how I like 'em, straight up. In 7 and 1/2 minutes, you will bring us two more, then two more every 5 minutes after that, until one of us passes the f*** out.

Hector:
Excellent strategy, sir.

Jordan:
[to the waiter] Oh, I'm good with water for now.

Mark Hanna:
It's his first day on Wall Street. Give him time.

Mark Hanna:
The name of the game; move the money from the client's pocket into your pocket.

Jordan:
Right. But, if you can make your clients money at the same time it's advantageous to everyone, correct?

Mark Hanna:
No. Number one rule of Wall Street: Nobody - I don't care if you're Warren Buffett or Jimmy Buffett - Nobody knows if the stock's going to go up, down, sideways, or in f***ing circles, least of all stockbrokers. It's all a Fugazzi. You know what a Fugazzi is?

Jordan:
It's, uh... "Fugazi", it's a fake...

Mark Hanna:
Fugazi, Fugazzi. It's a wazzy, it's a woozy. It's [whistles] fairy dust. It doesn't exist. It's Neverlanded. It is no matter. It's not on the elemental chart. It's not f***ing real. Stay with me. We don't create sh*t. We don't build anything. So if you've got a client who bought stock at 8 and it now sits at 16, and he's all f***in' happy. He wants to cash in, liquidate, take his f***in' money and run home. You don't let him do that, because that would make it real. No. What do you do? You get another brilliant idea. A special idea. Another "situation". Another stock, to reinvest his earnings and then some. And he will, every single time, because they're f***ing addicted. And then you just keep doing this, again and again and again and again. Meanwhile, he thinks he's getting sh*t rich, which he is, on paper. But you and me, the brokers, we're taking home cold hard cash via commission, motherf***er!

Jordan:
Well, you know, when you sail on a boat fit for a Bond villain, sometimes you need to play the part. [Pauses] I think it's time you both get the f*** off my boat. Whaddya say?

Denham:
You know, Jordan, I'll tell you something. Most of the Wall Street jackasses that I bust... They're to the manor born. Their fathers are douchebags, just like their fathers before them. But you, you, Jordan, you got this way all on your own.

Jordan:
Did I?

Denham:
Good for you, little man.

Jordan:
Little man? [Laughing] Me, the little man?

Denham:
Let me tell you something else. Honestly, I'm not bullshitting here, this is one of the nicest boats that I've ever been on. I gotta tell you.

Jordan:
I bet it is.

Denham:
And you wanna know what I was just thinking too? The f***ing hero I'm gonna be back at the office when the Bureau seizes this f***ing boat. Because, I mean, fuckety f*** f***, Jordan, look at this thing! It's beautiful! And you got the beautiful girls there. It's wonderful.

Jordan:
[laughing] All right, get the f*** off my boat.

Denham:
[Getting up to leave] I'm sure we'll be seeing each other real soon.

Jordan:
I'm sure. Good luck on that subway ride home to your miserable ugly f***in' wives. I'm gonna have Heidi lick some caviar off my balls in the meantime. Hey, you guys wanna take some lobsters for your ride home? [Picks up a pair of lobsters and throws them after the two agents] F***in' miserable pricks, I know you can't afford them! F***in' cheap fucks!

[Jordan throws open a door to the bridge as the yacht is rolling heavily in a storm.]

Jordan:
WHAT THE F*** IS GOING ON OUT HERE?!

Beecham:
THE JET SKIS JUST WENT OVERBOARD!

Jordan:
Jesus f***in' Christ! [Stumbles over to Naomi] Honey, you okay?

Beecham:
The waves are twenty feet high and building!

Jordan:
Turn around! Just go the other f***in' way!

Beecham:
Can't! We'll get broadsided and tip over!

Jordan:
I am a master diver, you hear that?! I am a master diver! No one's gonna f***ing die! I got you. Just trust me, okay? I love you. Just hold on tight. Donnie. Hold on, baby. Donnie. Donnie!

Donnie:
What?

Jordan:
Hold on, baby. [To Donnie] Get the ludes.

Donnie:
I don't wanna die, Jordan! I've done a lot of bad sh*t, I'm going to hell, Jordan! F***ed up! I f***ed up so bad!

Jordan:
Get the ludes downstairs.

Donnie:
What you say?!

Jordan:
[Leaves Naomi, stumbles over to Donnie and grabs him.] Get the ludes!

Donnie:
I can't go down there! It's flooded, it's three feet of water down there!

Jordan:
I WILL NOT DIE SOBER! GET THOSE F***IN' LUDES!

Donnie:
Okay!

Jordan:
GO!

Donnie:
Okay!

Naomi:
I want a divorce.

Jordan:
What do you mean you want a divorce? What is that supposed to mean, you want a divorce?

Naomi:
Get off me! I want a divorce. Get off.

Jordan:
You just made love to me. What the f*** is wrong with you?

Naomi:
I don't love you anymore, Jordan!

Jordan:
Oh, you don't love me? You don't love me anymore, huh? Well isn't that just f***ing convenient for you! Now that I'm under federal indictment with an electronic bracelet around my ankle, now you decide you don't f***ing love me anymore. Is that right?

Naomi:
No, no.

Jordan:
What kind of person are you? Tell me.

Naomi:
You married me!

Jordan:
What the f*** is that supposed to mean?

Naomi:
Jordan, this is how it's gonna go. I'm gonna take custody of the kids. If you agree to the divorce right now, I will allow visitation. Okay? Don't try to fight it.

Jordan:
Oh my God.

Naomi:
It will save us both a lot of money and I got a feeling you're gonna need it.

Jordan:
You're not taking my kids, sweetheart. You hear me?

Naomi:
I've already talked to the lawyer. He said even if you don't get convicted I've got a good chance of getting them.

Jordan:
I got news for you. (angrily) You're not f***ing taking my children [Naomi: Yes, I am, Jordan.] you vicious f***ing c*nt, you!!

[Naomi slaps Jordan and he slaps her back]

Jordan:
F*** you! You f***ing B*TCH! You're not f***ing taking my goddamn f***ing kids! You hear me? F*** YOU! YOU'RE NOT F***ING TAKING MY F***ING KIDS! F***ing whore.

[Naomi finds Jordan snorting cocaine]

Naomi:
Look at yourself, Jordan. Sick! You're a sick man!

Jordan:
[shouts] F*** you! I told you you're not taking my f***ing kids! You f***ing...

Naomi:
You think I would let my kids near you?! Look at yourself! You know what my lawyer said? My lawyer said that you're going to prison for 20 years, Jordan. Twenty f***ing years! You're never gonna see the kids again!

Jordan:
You don't think I'm gonna see my kids?!

Naomi:
No! I'm not f***ing letting you near my kids!

Jordan:
YOU DON'T THINK I'M GONNA SEE MY F***ING KIDS AGAIN, HUH?!

[Jordan walks to his daughter's bedroom.]

Naomi:
[trying to stop Jordan] Don't you f***ing touch her!

[Jordan punches Naomi in the stomach]

Jordan:
Don't you f***ing touch me!

Jordan Belfort:
Give me a kiss, sweetheart.

Naomi Lapaglia:
Jordan.

Jordan Belfort:
Oh come on, baby. I haven't made love to you in so long.

Naomi Lapaglia:
No.

Jordan Belfort:
Please.

Naomi Lapaglia:
Jordan, stop it.

[Jordan continues kissing her]

Naomi Lapaglia:
No! Jordan, stop it!

[cuts to Jordan having intercourse with Naomi]

Jordan Belfort:
I love you so much.

Naomi Lapaglia:
I f***ing hate you, Jordan! Get off me!

Jordan Belfort:
No, baby. Don't do that. You know how much I love you, right? Stop that sweetie, please?

Naomi Lapaglia:
[pauses] You wanna f*** me, Jordan? You wanna f*** me? Good. Go at it. Go ahead and f*** me. I want you to f*** me real hard. I want you to f*** me like it's the last f***ing time. Come on.

Jordan Belfort:
Babe, why you doing it like that?

Naomi Lapaglia:
Because I want you to come for me, baby.

Jordan Belfort:
Come on, baby.

Naomi Lapaglia:
Come for me, baby. I want you to come for me like it's the last... f***ing... time!

Jordan Belfort:
Yeah?

Naomi Lapaglia:
Yeah! Come on, baby. Come for me. Come on, baby.

Jordan Belfort:
Yeah? Want me to come for you?

Naomi Lapaglia:
Yeah.

[Jordan forcefully finishes]

Jordan Belfort:
Oh God! Oh!

[laughing]

Jordan Belfort:
Oh baby. That was so f***ing great.

Naomi Lapaglia:
That was the last time.

Jordan Belfort:
What do you mean, baby?

Naomi Lapaglia:
I mean that was the last time we ever have sex.

Donnie Azoff:
Oh my God, the emperor of Fucksville came down from Fucksville to give me a pass! Hey, what are the citizens of Fucksville doing today when their emperor's gone? Is it, is it mayhem? Are people looting and raping? What are all the little fuckheads doing while you're here?

Jordan Belfort:
You want to know what money sounds like? Go to a trading floor on Wall Street. "F***" this, "sh*t" that, "c*nt", "cock", "a**hole"; I couldn't believe how these guys talked to each other. I was hooked in seconds. It was like main-lining adrenaline.

Jordan Belfort:
The Quaalude, or Lude as it is commonly referred to, was first synthesized in 1951 by an Indian doctor—that's dots, not feathers—as a sedative, and was prescribed to stressed-out housewives with sleep disorders. But, pretty soon, somebody figured out that if you resisted the urge to sleep for just 15 minutes, you got a pretty kick-ass high from it. Didn't take long for people to start abusing Ludes, of course, and in 1982, the U.S. Government "Schedule 1'd" them, along with the rest of the world. Which meant there was only a finite amount of these things left. No sh*t. You can't even buy them, anymore. You people are all sh*t out of luck.

Jordan Belfort:
So you listen to me and you listen well. Are you behind on your credit card bills? Good! Pick up the phone and start dialing! Is your landlord ready to evict you? Good! Pick up the phone and start dialing! Does your girlfriend think you're a f***ing worthless loser? Good! Pick up the phone and start dialing! I want you to deal with your problems by becoming rich! All you have to do today is pick up that phone and speak the words that I have taught you. And I will make you richer than the most powerful CEO in the United States of f***ing America!

Jordan Belfort:
I f***ed her brains out... for eleven seconds.

Jordan Belfort:
I clean up my act, I did rehab, I'm a TV personality, I'm sober for two years, and THIS happens. Rugrat goes and gets busted down in Miami, and guess who the f*** with? Saurel. I mean, what are the f***ing odds? There had to be 10,000 Swiss bankers in Geneva, and Rugrat gets the one dumb enough to get himself arrested on U.S. soil. Even more f***ed, was that he got busted for sh*t that had nothing to do with me. It had nothing to f***ing do with me! Something about laundering drug money through off-shore boat racing and a guy named Rocky Aoki. You know, the founder of Benihana. Benihana? Beni-f***ing-hana? BENI-F***ING-HANA?! WHY?! WHY, WHY, GOD?! Why would You be so cruel as to choose a chain of f***ing hibachi restaurants to take me down?!

Jordan Belfort:
The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullshit story you keep telling yourself as to why you can’t achieve it.

Mark Hanna:
Think about it. You're dealing with numbers. All day long, decimal points, high frequencies. Bang, bang, bang. F***ing digits. All very acidic above-the-shoulders mustard sh*t. All right? It kind of wigs some people out. Right. You got to feed the geese to keep the blood flowing. I keep the rhythm below the belt. Done.

Mark Hanna:
We don't start dialing at 9:30, because our clients are already answering the phone! 3...2...1...LET'S F***!

Mark Hanna:
[Seeing the results of Black Monday ] HOLY...F***ING...SH*T.

Max Belfort:
What kind of hooker takes credit cards?

Donnie:
A rich one!

Donnie Azoff:
[urinating on his subpoena] F*** you, U.S.A. F*** you, U.S.A. F*** you! F*** you!

Jordan Belfort:
Thank God Aunt Emma didn’t need too much convincing. Turned out the British weren’t too different from the Swiss; money talks and bullshit takes the bus. How do you say “rat hole” in British?

Mark Hanna:
[On the phone with a customer] We don't give two shits about how technology works. All we care about is being f***ing RICH.