The Women

Sylvia Fowler:
Well heaven be praised I'm on to my husband, I wouldn't trust him on Alcatraz, the mouse.

Peggy Day:
Sylvia you oughtn't talk about him like that, why I think it's disloyal!

Sylvia Fowler:
Oh now listen Peggy, do we know how the men talk about us when we're not around?

Nancy Blake:
I've heard rumours.

Sylvia Fowler:
Exactly... And uh... While we're on the subject, have either of you wondered whether the master of this maison might not be straying?

Nancy Blake:
I haven't.

Sylvia Fowler:
Well, for all you know Mary Haines may be living in a fool's paradise.

Nancy Blake:
You're so resourcful darling, I ought to go to you for plots.

Sylvia Fowler:
You ought to go to someone.

Peggy Day:
[On the train] Listen to the wheels, don't they seem to be saying something?

Mary Haines:
[Softly] No.

Peggy Day:
Don't they seem to be saying... Go back, go back, go back, go back?

Mary Haines:
[about Slyvia and the model arguing] Oh it's just professional jealousy, they're really very good friends!

Sylvia Fowler:
Of course! She adores the Fowler family. Particularly my husband.

Countess Tamara:
Are you accusing me of flirting with Howard?

Sylvia Fowler:
No, my little pet, but of trying to! I'd like to see Howard bat an eye at another woman!

Countess Tamara:
Well I've seen him, and she's not bad either!

Sylvia Fowler:
Did you get her innuendo?

Countess DeLave:
This sweet thing is getting her first divorce too! She's a very dear friend of mine... What did you say your name was again darling?

Miriam Aarons:
Miriam Aarons.

Countess DeLave:
[Introducing Mary and Miriam] This is Mrs. Haines. You know, yanked the scalp off that Allen woman in the fitting room?

Miriam Aarons:
Oh yeah! Good for you! I was afraid you were a wet firecracker, sister. Shake!

Little Mary Haines:
I saw Mrs. Potter at the zoo that day.

Mrs. Moorehead:
Who was she visiting with? The snakes?

Mary Haines:
Oh, Mother!

Little Mary Haines:
As a matter of fact, she was!

Child on train:
Mommy, will daddy come to Reno?

Lady on train:
No, darling.

Child on train:
Mommy, where is daddy?

Lady on train:
I don't know and I don't care. In the future you'll please refer to him as "That heel"!

Countess DeLave:
I never got a sou out of anybody except my first husband, Mr. Strauss. Oh he said the most touching thing in his will, I remember every word of it... He said "To my beloved wife Flora, I leave all my estate... To be administered by executors because she is an A-1 schlemiel." [Sarcastically] Isn't that sweet?

Miriam Aarons:
[about Buck Winston] Well he could crack a coconut with those knees!... If he could get them together!

Countess DeLave:
But whither... Whither shall I fly?

Miriam Aarons:
To the arms our our pet cowboy, darling!

Countess DeLave:
[Gasps] Miriam Aarons!

Miriam Aarons:
Why, he's plum loco for you, countess! He likes you even better than his horse! And it's such a blasted big horse, too!

Edith Potter:
Weren't you going to Africa to shoot, Nancy?

Nancy Blake:
As soon as my book's out.

Sylvia Fowler:
I don't blame you. I'd rather face a tiger any day than the sort of things the critics said about your last book.

Peggy Day:
Oh, I wish I could make a little money writing the way you do!

Nancy Blake:
If you wrote the way I do, that's just what you'd make.

Sylvia Fowler:
You're not a very popular author, are you, dear?

Nancy Blake:
Not with you.

Sylvia Fowler:
[Showing her nails to Mary] Mary, how do you like that?

Nancy Blake:
Too, too adorable.

Sylvia Fowler:
Ah, you have no idea how it stays on... I get it at Sydney's. You should go, Mary. A wonderful new manicurist. Olga's her name; she's marvelous. Isn't that divine? Jungle Red!

Nancy Blake:
Looks like you've been tearing at somebody's throat!

Sylvia Fowler:
[Smacks her hand on the table] I'll be darned, Nancy, if I'll let you ride me anymore!

Mary Haines:
Oh Sylvia, Nancy's only trying to be clever, too.

Sylvia Fowler:
Well, she takes a crack at everything about me... Even my nails!

Mary Haines:
Well, I like them, I really do. Sydney's, Olga's, Jungle Red... I'll remember.

Sylvia Fowler:
I'm devoted to Edith Potter, but she DOES get me down...

Sylvia Fowler:
I don't need to sit around and act glum. When I think of what I've sacrificed for Howard Fowler!

Miriam Aarons:
Such as what, Mrs. Fowler?

Sylvia Fowler:
[Looks at Miriam] I gave him my youth!

Mary Haines:
[Introduces them] This is the Countess DeLave... Mrs. Howard Fowler.

Countess DeLave:
[Same time] How do you do?

Sylvia Fowler:
[Same time] How do you do?

Mary Haines:
And Miriam Aarons.

Miriam Aarons:
How do you do?

Sylvia Fowler:
[Looks closely at Miriam's flat chest] How do *you* do?

Olga:
[while giving Mary a manicure] Well this Crystal Allen is a friend of mine, she's really a terrible man trap, soak it please. She's behind the perfume counter at Black's, so was I before I got fired... Uh, left.

Beautician at Sydneys #1:
[to "Gillingswater"] You don't look a day over 35!

[walks into room]

Beautician at Sydneys #1:
That old gasoline truck, she's 60 if she's a minute.

Beautician at Sydneys #2:
Who is she?

Beautician at Sydneys #1:
Gillingswater.

Beautician at Sydneys #2:
Oh, that old bag! One more permanent and she won't have a hair on her head.

Beautician at Sydneys #1:
[taking a puff out of her cigarette] She's got plenty on her arms baby!

Olive:
She sure does shed, don't she!

Nancy Blake:
[to Countess DeLave] Chin up.

Miriam Aarons:
Right, both of them.

Maggie:
[Regarding men] You can't trust none of 'em no further than I can kick this lemon pie.

Sylvia Fowler:
What are you, pet?

Nancy Blake:
What nature abhors. I am an old maid, a frozen asset.

Mrs. Moorehead:
Well, cheer up, Mary; living alone has its compensations. Heaven knows it's marvelous being able to spread out in bed like a swastika.

Countess DeLave:
Get me a bromide - and put some gin in it.

Mary Haines:
May I suggest, if you're dressing to please Stephen, not that one. He doesn't like such obvious effects.

Crystal Allen:
Thanks for the tip. But when anything I wear doesn't please Stephen, I take it off.

Sylvia Fowler:
Oh, you remember the awful things they said about what's-her-name before she jumped out the window? There. You see? I can't even remember her name so who cares?

Crystal Allen:
There's a name for you ladies, but it isn't used in high society... outside of a kennel. So long, ladies!

Mary Haines:
I think I got what Mrs. Fowler's friends come in for.

Olga:
She's got those eyes that run up and down a man like a searchlight.

Crystal Allen:
If you throw a lambchop into a hot oven, what's gonna keep it from gettin' done?

Sylvia Fowler:
You know I go to Sydney's for my hair. Oh, you ought to go, pet. I DESPISE whoever does yours.

Sylvia Fowler:
[Last lines] Mary Haines, don't you have any pride?

Mary Haines:
No pride at all. That's a luxury a woman in love can't afford.

Maggie:
You know, the first man that can think up a good explanation how he can be in love with his wife and another woman is gonna win that prize they're always giving out in Sweden.

Miriam Aarons:
A woman's compromised the day she's born.

Mary Haines:
I've had two years to grow claws mother. Jungle red.

Crystal Allen:
I'm having him dine at my place. It's about time he found out I was a home girl.

Pat:
A home girl? Get her! Why don't you borrow the quintuplets for the evening?

Crystal Allen:
Because I'm all the baby he wants, pet.

Miriam Aarons:
You should have licked that girl where she licked you; in his arms. It's where you win in the first round and if I know men, it's still Custer's Last Stand.

Mrs. Spencer's friend:
[gasp] Good grief! I hate to tell you, dear, but your skin makes the Rocky Mountains look like chiffon velvet!

Nancy Blake:
[looking at Sylvia Fowler's blouse] Great guns. What are you made up for? The Seeing Eye?

Edith Potter:
What are you going to write next, Nancy? Animal stories?

Nancy Blake:
[looking at Sylvia Fowler] I wouldn't have to go to Africa for that.

Sylvia Fowler:
I'd die before I hurt Edith.

Nancy Blake:
[offering Sylvia a tray of nuts] Nuts.

Peggy Day:
He beats you. Lucy, how terrible.

Lucy:
Ain't it. When you think of the lot of women on this ranch who need a beatin' more than I do.

Sylvia Fowler:
Is that anyway to talk to me, after all I've done for you?

Crystal Allen:
Aw, done what?

Sylvia Fowler:
You didn't know a soul when you married Steven. After all, it wasn't easy to put you over.

Crystal Allen:
And who said you put me over?

Sylvia Fowler:
I've gotten you into some of our very best homes.

Crystal Allen:
[in a Ritzy tone] Yes, for some of their very best insults!

Woman at party:
So he says 'I gotta go home on Sunday.' So I says 'Why do you got to?' So he says 'they always expect me home on Easter Sunday.' So I say, 'what do they expect you to do? Lay an egg?'"

Miriam Aarons:
Any ladle's sweet that dishes out some gravy.

Mary Haines:
I'll be doing the cooking so you know what he'll get.

Little Mary Haines:
I know - indigestion.

Countess DeLave:
Oh, l'amour, l'amour, how it can let you down. Hmm. How it can pick you up again.

Miriam Aarons:
You're passing up a swell chance, honey. Where I spit no grass grows ever.

Lucy:
Them big, strong, red-headed men... they're fierce!

Crystal Allen:
Say, listen, I've worked too hard to land this meal ticket to make any false moves now.

Sylvia Fowler:
Why you sly little fox, you.

Countess DeLave:
Oh, poor creatures. They've lost their equilibrium because they've lost their faith in love. Oh l'amour, l'amour.

Maggie:
Now don't that sound just like a husband?

Edith Potter:
Oh, she can't help it. It's just her tough luck that she wasn't born deaf and dumb.

Mrs. Moorehead:
Besides, there's nothing like a good dose of being left alone to make a man appreciate his wife.

Miriam Aarons:
Listen, sister, when are you going to get wise to yourself?

Sylvia Fowler:
Did you get her innuendo?

Mrs. Moorehead:
I'm an old woman, my dear. I know my sex.

Corset model:
Our new one-piece lace foundation garment. Zips up the back and no bone.

Crystal Allen:
You noble wives and mothers bore the brains out of me. And I bet you bore your husbands, too.

Mary Haines:
You are a hard one.

Crystal Allen:
I can be soft on the right occasion.

Tough girl:
I still say I'm gonna pull a gun on that guy. Just like I did on Judge McClure.

Exercise instructress:
[instructing Mrs. Fowler in her exercises] Up, over. Up, down. Up, stretch! Up, together.

Sylvia Fowler:
No more up. This has got me down.

Exercise instructress:
Rest a moment and relax your diaphragm muscles.

[under her breath]

Exercise instructress:
If you can.

Sylvia Fowler:
Ohh... What I go through to keep my figure and do I see red when some fat, lazy, dinner partner says: "What do you do with yourself all day Mrs. Fowler?"

Sylvia Fowler:
Mrs. Haines never listens to any of her friends...

Exercise instructress:
[under her breath] How does she avoid it?

Exercise instructress:
Arms flat. Crawl slowly up the wall...

Sylvia Fowler:
The way you say that makes me feel like vermin.

Exercise instructress:
That shouldn't be much effort. I mean, crawling up the wall.

Exercise instructress:
Let's begin with posture. A lady always enters a room erect.

Sylvia Fowler:
Most of my friends exit horizontally.

Exercise instructress:
Mrs. Fowler you've hardly moved a muscle.

Sylvia Fowler:
Whose carcass is this, yours or mine?

Exercise instructress:
It's yours, but I'm paid to exercise it.

Sylvia Fowler:
You sound like a horse trainer.

Exercise instructress:
No, Mrs. Fowler, but you're getting warm.

Mrs. Spencer's friend:
Ooh, look at Sidney's miniatures.

Mrs. Spencer:
Hmmm. Sure sign of a petty mind!

Receptionist:
They've been waiting half and hour, Mrs. Spencer. Would you mind seeing the art exhibit later?

Mrs. Spencer:
All right.

[to her friend]

Mrs. Spencer:
Art exhibit my foot!

Saleswoman:
You can't trust any man. That's all they want!

Corset model:
[innocently] What else have we got to give?

Nurse:
One minute more, Mrs. Miller and you can breathe again.

Young girl:
[barging in] Oh, I'm sorry. I'm looking for grandma.

[she wanders into the next room]

Young girl:
Grandma isn't in there...

First Mudbath Woman:
Well, she isn't in here... Oh! This tub has worms in it! I know it has worms! I can feel them!

Girl in a bath:
They're probably more afraid of you than you are of them.

Young girl:
Well, what's the matter with a little worm? Why, at Harvard and Yale they eat them...

Lulu:
Will I find anything in that ice box of yours?

Pat:
Yeah, cobwebs and a bottle of gin.

Countess DeLave:
Oh, the publicity! La publicit?!

Miriam Aarons:
[to Sylvia, about Sylvia's husband] I made him pay for what he wanted... you made him pay for what he didn't want.

Sylvia Fowler:
[to Miriam] Why you...!

Crystal Allen:
It will be out tomorrow, Mrs. Prowler.

Sylvia Fowler:
[Turns around and gives her the evils] FOWLER!

Crystal Allen:
[Smiling sarcastically] Oh I'm so sorry... [corrects herself] Mrs. Fowler.

Lucy:
[singing] If the ocean was whiskey, and I was a duck, I'd dive to the bottom, and never come up. Oh baby, oh baby, I've told you before, the more I drink whiskey, I love you the more! Oh baby, oh ba...

[gets cut off]

Countess DeLave:
[Walks through the door] Oh, l'amour, l'amour!

Sylvia Fowler:
[At the place Crystal Allen works] Well, here we are... Creeping up on her!

Edith Potter:
Darling do you think we ought to do this?

Sylvia Fowler:
Oh shut up!

Edith Potter:
[Spots lady] That's little Crystal!

Sylvia Fowler:
None other...

Ugly saleswoman:
[Turns around] May I serve you madam?

Edith Potter:
[Surprised] No, thank you!

Sylvia Fowler:
[Surprised] Just looking!

[Walking away]

Sylvia Fowler:
Oh from the neck up I'd say no...

[Spots other woman]

Sylvia Fowler:
Ah, how about baby?

Edith Potter:
Of course!

[Walks over to her]

Edith Potter:
Mmmm... Couldn't be anyone else!

[Hears other lady call her "Pat"]

Sylvia Fowler:
Pat?

Edith Potter:
I still don't know why he overlooked her.

Sylvia Fowler:
I do... [points to Crystal] Pipe.

Jane:
[Opens the door for Edith] How do you do Mrs. Potter?

Edith Potter:
Hello Jane.

Jane:
And how are you feeling today?

Edith Potter:
Too awful, I wouldn't wish my woes on my worst friend.

[Looks around the corner]

Edith Potter:
Oh Jane, will you tell Mrs. Fowler that I'd like to speak to her out here for just a moment.

Jane:
Yes, Mrs. Potter.

Nancy Blake:
[Comes around the corner and surprises Edith] How's the little mother?

Edith Potter:
[shouts out to Jane] Jane! Never mind about that...

[to Nancy]

Edith Potter:
Hello dear...

Nancy Blake:
The spider's in the parlor. Let's go join her.

Edith Potter:
[Wiping her hands on towel] Oh, cheap Chinese embroidery, you know I'll bet Peggy gave her these...

Sylvia Fowler:
It wouldn't be so bad if only Mary's friends knew we could keep our mouths shut.

Edith Potter:
I know plenty, I'd never breathe about my friend's husbands.

Sylvia Fowler:
Oh so do I!

[They both turn around and look at each other]

Edith Potter:
Well you know I adore Mary!

Sylvia Fowler:
I worship her, were not only cousins, She's my dearest friend in the world, after all we WERE raised together!

[Turns around quickly]

Sylvia Fowler:
Oh Edith I forgot to tell you...

[Whispers to Edith]

Mary Haines:
Break it up girls! Break it up!

Edith Potter:
Darling!

Mary Haines:
Hello!

Edith Potter:
You're so slim I could kill you.

Mary Haines:
You don't have to, the diet I'm on is pure poison.

Crystal Allen:
[In tub] Holy mackerel!

[Sarcastically]

Crystal Allen:
What a cheerful evening! Oh, I'm so bored!

[Throws sponge and almost hits maid]

Helen,:
[Surprised] Monsieur says that it doesn't improve madame's nerves to stay so long in ze water.

Crystal Allen:
What'd he mean by that? A crack?

Helen,:
Oh... No he did not say is zat way madame.

Crystal Allen:
[Smirks] I thought not... I've been Mrs. Stephen Haines for 18 months now without a single squawk.

[laughs softly]

Crystal Allen:
That's some sort of a record for Park Avenue!

[phone rings - says to maid]

Crystal Allen:
Get out.

[Loudly and impatiently]

Crystal Allen:
Get OUT! Go on! Go on!

Sylvia Fowler:
[Holding up a bottle of Summer Rain perfume] A friend of ours, Mrs. Stephen Haines, simply dotes on this.

Crystal Allen:
Really!

Sylvia Fowler:
Her husband picked it out for her. Perhaps you sold it to him. Stephen Haines, the engineer?

Crystal Allen:
Oh, I'm afraid I don't remember. You see, we have so many men come in here.

Sylvia Fowler:
Awfully good-looking. Tall, fair, distinguished. I'm sure you wouldn't overlook him.

Crystal Allen:
I'm sorry, but when one's mind is on one's own business...

Sylvia Fowler:
Of course. And, as you say, you have so many men.

Little Mary Haines:
I don't understand grownups on the telephone. They all sound silly.

Nancy Blake:
You just can't bear Mary's happiness, can you, Sylvia? It gets you down.

Sylvia Fowler:
How ridiculous! Why should it?

Nancy Blake:
Because she's contented. Contented to be what she is.

Sylvia Fowler:
Which is what?

Nancy Blake:
A woman.

Sylvia Fowler:
Ah! And what are we?

Nancy Blake:
Females.

Sylvia Fowler:
Really. And what are you, pet?

Nancy Blake:
What nature abhors: I'm an old maid, a frozen asset.

Mrs. Moorehead:
Stephen is a man. He's been married ten years.

Mary Haines:
Oh. You mean he's tired of me?

Mrs. Moorehead:
Stephen's tired of himself. Tired of feeling the same things in himself. Time comes when a man's got to feel something new, and he's got to feel young again, just because he's growing old.

Mary Haines:
Mother! Stephen isn't old!

Mrs. Moorehead:
Of course not, but we women are so much more sensible. When we tire of ourselves, we change the way we do our hair, or hire a new cook, or... or decorate the house. I suppose a man could do over his office, but he never thinks of anything so simple. No, dear, a man has only one escape from his old self: to see a different self in the mirror of some woman's eyes.

Sylvia Fowler:
Oh uh... is that umm... Crystal Allen across the hall?

Saleswoman:
Yes she's a new customer. Do you know her? Has she a lot of money?

Sylvia Fowler:
I think she knows where she can get a lot.

Crystal Allen:
[answering phone] Hello? Oh, hello, Stephen. [surprised] What? Well uh... Don't worry, my sweet, I... Of course, I don't mind your breaking our engagement! Well, that is, I mind, of course, but it's such good discipline for my selfishness about you.

Pat:
Holy mackerel, what a line!

Crystal Allen:
[to Pat] Shut up, will ya?

Crystal Allen:
[to Stephen] Well, I, uh... I was going to surprise you tonight, darling, and... and cook dinner myself in my little apartment. [laughs] Why, of course I can cook!

Pat:
She thinks because Lulu's dark, he wont be able to see her!

Crystal Allen:
[to Pat] Shhh!

Crystal Allen:
[to Stephen] Oh, well, you don't know half my accomplishments...

Pat:
I'll say he doesn't!

Crystal Allen:
[to Pat] Will you get out of here?

Crystal Allen:
[to Stephen] Oh... Oh, well, that's all right, Stephen; I'll save you a piece of the cake... with a candle on it. Ah, well, I didn't want to tell you before, Stephen, because I was afraid you might do something extravagant! Oh, it is dear of you to want to be with me on my birthday, but... I won't be lonely. No, honestly, I won't. And uh... if this weather lets up, my neuralgia will be better... [shaky voiced] then maybe I can... Oh no! It's nothing. It's just nerves. I had a rather gloomy letter from home today. My little sister, she's not very well...

Pat:
What's wrong with her? She got a hangover?

Crystal Allen:
[ignoring Pat] But she'll be all right. Yes, I... I'm holding the thought. Oh, no, Stephen! I couldn't think of your disarranging your evening! I'll have another birthday next year!

Pat:
You'll have another one next week!

Crystal Allen:
[to Pat] Look, so help me, I'm gonna slug you!

Crystal Allen:
[to Stephen] Oh, Stephen, if you could drop by for just a few moments and have a glass of sherry to my health. Oh, Stephen... Oh, I do need you so... Yes, dear... Yes, darling, I'll meet you on our corner in five minutes! [sends kisses into the phone] Goodbye! [hangs up]

Crystal Allen:
[to Pat] Say, can you beat him? He almost stood me up for his wife!

Countess DeLave:
Mary, you're not cross because my Buck's had a wee droppy too much?

Miriam Aarons:
Don't be modest, Flora. Your ducky is stinko!

Countess DeLave:
[sitting on Sylvia Fowler] Take it easy, Mrs. Fowler. I'm only trying to help in my own way.

Sylvia Fowler:
Oh, you big moose!