The World's End

Gary King:
We're going to see this through to the bitter end. Or... lager end.

Gary King:
Get back in your rocket, and f*** off back to Legoland you c*nts!

Basil:
[after saying blanks can replicate you from saliva on glasses] That's why I drink using a crazy straw. Not so crazy now.

Gary King:
What the f*** does WTF mean?

Gary King:
A man of your legendary prowess drinking f***ing rain! It's like a lion eating houmous.

Gary King:
We'll always have the disableds.

Sam:
We'll always have the disableds.

Gary King:
Tonight, we will be partaking of a liquid repast as we wind our way up the Golden Mile. Commencing with an inaugural tankard in The First Post, then on to The Old Familiar, The Famous Cock, The Cross Hands, The Good Companions, The Trusty Servant, The Two-Headed Dog, The Mermaid, The Beehive, The King's Head, and The Hole in the Wall for a measure of the same, all before the last bittersweet pint in that most fateful terminus, The World's End. Leave a light on good lady, for though we may return with a twinkle in our eyes, we will be in truth blind - drunk!

Gary King:
And here we go! Just like the Five Musketeers!

Steven Prince:
Three musketeers, wasn't it?

Peter Page:
Four, if you count d'Artagnan.

Gary King:
Well, nobody knows how many there were, really, do they?

Oliver:
You do know that "The Three Musketeers" was a fiction, right? Written by Alexandre Dumas?

Gary King:
A lot of people are saying that about the Bible these days.

Steven Prince:
What, that it was written by Alexandre Dumas?

Gary King:
Don't be daft, Steve! It was written by Jesus!

Andrew Knightley:
Are we there yet?

Gary King:
Let's do this!

Andrew Knightley:
Nothing suggested in the last three minutes has been better than 'smashy smashy egg man'.

Gary King:
To err is human, so errr...

Gary King:
There's only one Gary King!

Gary King:
Yeah, there's more than one Gary King!

The Network:
But you just said...

Gary King:
I f***ing know what I f***ing said!

Andrew Knightley:
Let's boo-boo!

Gary King:
[to The Network] Oh f*** off, you big lamp!

Andrew Knightley:
No it doesn't. It says "King Gay."

Gary King:
Well, some c*nt's rubbed off the 'r'!

Steven Prince:
[laughing] That was me.

Gary King:
Drink up. Let's Boo-Boo.

Steven Prince:
'Boo-Boo'? What is that?

Gary King:
You remember "Let's Boo-Boo". You know, from Mr. Shephard's classroom, it said on the wall "Exit, Pursued by a Bear", you know, from that Shakespeare play?

Steven Prince:
A Winter's Tale.

Gary King:
Yeah. What was it called?

Steven Prince:
A Winter's Tale.

Gary King:
That's it. And if we needed to make a quick getaway, we'd say: "Exit, Pursued by a Bear". And then, it was: "Exit, Pursued by Yogi Bear". And then, it was just: "Let's Yogi and Boo-Boo". And then: "Let's Boo-Boo".

Steven Prince:
So you're saying we should go?

Gary King:
Yeah. Shitty, here. Isn't it?

Sam:
If you think I'm going to have sex with you in the ladies, you're crazy!

Gary King:
Why? The disabled's is out of order.

Steven Prince:
Get your feet off her!

Andrew Knightley:
[screams] I f***ing hate this town!

Andrew Knightley:
How can you tell if you're drunk if you're never sober?

Gary King:
I think you bit off more than you can chew with earth mate

Andrew Knightley:
Yeah, because we're more belligerent, more stubborn and more idiotic than you could ever imagine.

Sam:
Andy, What's happening?

Andrew Knightley:
Gary thinks we should keep up with the crawl because they know what they're doing, but they don't know that we know what they're doing, and basically no one else has a better idea so, f*** it.

Gary King:
Wait a minute. 1990 model Oliver was out of commission by this point of the evening.

Oliver:
What are you saying?

Gary King:
[pause] I like the new you!

The Network:
It's pointless arguing with you. You will be left to your own devices.

Gary King:
Really?

The Network:
Yeah. F*** it.

Steven Prince:
[checks watch, waiting for Garry to use the bathroom] This is a long piss.

Oliver:
If it is a piss. It might be a little [mimes out cocaine snorting]

Peter Page:
Poo?

Oliver:
How's that a poo?

Gary King:
I remember sitting up there, blood on my knuckles, beer down my shirt, sick on my shoes and seeing the orange glow of a new dawn break and knowing in my heart life would never feel this good again. And you know what? It never did.

Gary King:
How's um...?

Peter Page:
Vanessa?

Gary King:
No, your wife.

Peter Page:
Vanessa.

Gary King:
Yeah, how's she?

Peter Page:
I'll have to check with Vanessa.

Gary King:
Who's Vanessa?

Peter Page:
My wife!

Gary King:
Since when have you had to check with your wife?

Peter Page:
Since we got married.

Gary King:
Haven't you heard? We're gettin' the band back together!

Steven Prince:
I'm not your bass player anymore.

Gary King:
I mean we're gettin' the boys back together. We can get the band back together as well if you want.

Steven Prince:
No we can't. You sold my guitar to buy drugs.

Gary King:
If you're worried about me, don't be. I am here to tell you that Gary King is back on the horse.

Oliver:
Woah, woah, you're back on the horse?

Gary King:
No, I mean, I'm back on the bike.

Oliver:
What's bike?

Gary King:
What do you mean?

Oliver:
What's bike stand for?

Gary King:
Bicycle.

Oliver:
I'm lost.

Gary King:
Don't be.

Oliver:
Okay.

Gary King:
Five guys, twelve pubs, fifty pints!

Andrew Knightley:
Sixty pints.

Gary King:
Oh hoo, steady on you alky!

Andrew Knightley:
I haven't had a drink for sixteen years Gary.

Gary King:
You must be thirsty then.

Andrew Knightley:
[Repeated line] It's pointless arguing with you.

Steven Prince:
Wow, you really have a selective memory don't you!

Gary King:
Somebody else was saying that!

Andrew Knightley:
Me.

Gary King:
No, I would have remembered.

Oliver:
Maybe they have selective memories.

Gary King:
Yeah, like what's-his-name. Me!

The Network:
You are children and you require guidance. There is no room for imperfection.

Gary King:
Hey earth isn't perfect alright? And humans aren't perfect and guess what? I ain't perfect!

The Network:
And there in lies the necessity for this intervention. Must the galaxy be subjected to an entire planet of people like you?

Andrew Knightley:
Hey who put you in charge? Who are you to criticize anyone? Now, you might think Gary is a bit of a cock and he is a bit of a cock, but he is my cock!

Gary King:
Oh thanks mate.

The Network:
At this point your planet is the least civilized in the entire galaxy.

Gary King:
What did he say?

Andrew Knightley:
He said we are a bunch of f*** ups.

Gary King:
Hey it is our basic human right to be f*** ups. This civilization was founded on f*** ups and you know what? That makes me proud!

Gary King:
How is, uh...

Peter Page:
Vanessa.

Gary King:
No. Your wife.

Peter Page:
Vanessa.

Gary King:
Yeah. How's she?

Peter Page:
She's good.

Gary King:
Have you had sex yet?

Peter Page:
We have two children.

Gary King:
Ooh twice! Get you, f*** machine.

Steven Prince:
This is a long piss.

Oliver:
If it is a piss.

Peter Page:
Poo.

Oliver:
How's that a poo?

Oliver:
WTF, Gary. WTF.

Gary King:
What the f*** does WTF mean?

Peter Page:
[getting out the cubicle] What the f***?

Gary King:
Ooohh yeah!

Steven Prince:
We need to be able to differentiate between them, them and us.

Peter Page:
Yeah, I think the pronouns are really confusing.

Gary King:
I don't even know what a pronoun is.

Oliver:
Well, it's a word that can function by itself as a noun which refers to something else in the discourse.

Gary King:
I don't get it.

Andrew Knightley:
You just used one.

Gary King:
Did I?

Andrew Knightley:
"It" it's a pronoun.

Gary King:
What is?

Andrew Knightley:
It!

Gary King:
Is it?

Andrew Knightley:
Christ!

Steven Prince:
Ten people have entered in this toilet in the last five minutes and not a single one has come back out again. That's going to look suspicious.

Gary King:
Gay loving!

Andrew Knightley:
I think Gary having an accident would actually be the best outcome for all of us, including Gary.

[Gary rides up in his car, honking his horn]

Andrew Knightley:
Unbelievable!

Sam:
I'm just going to head to the loo.

Gary King:
[Snickers and jumps off the couch to follow Sam in the bathroom] Nature called!

Sam:
[as Gary follows her in the bathroom] What are you doing?

Gary King:
What are you doing?

Sam:
I'm going to the toilet...

Gary King:
Well then, so am I!

Sam:
Gary, you are out of your mind!

The Network:
Just what is it that you want to do?

Gary King:
We want to be free!

Steven Prince:
Yeah.

Gary King:
We want to be free to do want we want to do!

Steven Prince:
Yeah.

Gary King:
And we want to get loaded!

Andrew Knightley:
Yeah!

Gary King:
And we want to have a good time and that's what we are gonna do!

The Network:
It's pointless arguing with you. You will be left to your own devices.

Gary King:
Really?

The Network:
Yeah. F*** it.

Announcer:
It's that man again! Despite his meandering maneuverability, his strategical susceptibility, his infantile indefatigability, and his tendency towards tactical trability, he still remains.

[first lines]

Gary King:
Ever have one of those nights that starts out like any other, but ends up being the *best* night of your life?

Andrew Knightley:
You have a very selective memory, Gary.

Gary King:
Thanks.

Andrew Knightley:
You remember the Friday nights. I remember the Monday mornings.

Gary King:
Yeah, that's why we're going back on a Friday.

Andrew Knightley:
[to Gary] You don't need our help to get f***ed up. You've done a perfectly good job do far on your own.

Basil:
It's not an invasion, it's a merger. They don't want to get rid of us, not if they can help it. They just want to make us more like them. Change the way we think. Bring us into line with all the others. Become another link in their chain. Which is fine - unless you say no.

Gary King:
[having repeatedly banged his head against the wall] There, that proves I'm human.

Steven Prince:
It proves you're stupid.

Gary King:
Exactly! Ow!

Gary King:
Face it, we are the human race and we don't like being told what to do!

[last lines]

Big Ugly Bastard:
Who the hell do you think you are?

Gary King:
Me? They call me the king...

Gary King:
We might as well stick to it. If we leave now it arouses suspicion. Besides, 1 - we're all drunk. 2 - we don't know how far this goes, and 3 - we've got blood on our hands.

Peter Page:
Ink.

Gary King:
We've all got ink on our hands.

Basil:
They can get your DNA any way they can - through touching, kissing, the rim of a glass... why do you think I drink out of this crazy straw? Not so crazy now is it?

Andrew Knightley:
[about the beer they are about to be served] Does it have a surprisingly fruity note that lingers on the tongue?

Andrew Knightley:
Oh, my god, Gary, this is robbing Peter to pay Paul!

Gary King:
No, I borrowed from Peter to pay you, I still owe Paul!

Steven Prince:
[while discussing what they've done since high school] Anyone know what Gary's up to?

Andrew Knightley:
Yeah, Gary's playing Need For Speed over there. [shows Gary playing Need For Speed]

Gary King:
Who are you calling?

Peter Page:
Vanessa.

Gary King:
Why are you calling your wife?

Peter Page:
Because she's my wife!

Andrew Knightley:
You said you wanted to chew the fat. I think you just wanted to drink it. We're not your friends, we're just your f***ing enablers.

Gary King:
Enabler? Oh that's a funny word. Gary King & The Enablers. Actually that would make a great name for the band. Steve, write that down.

Gary King:
[at The First Post, everyone except Andy has ordered a pint of lager] I can't f***ing believe this. A man of your legendary prowess drinking f***ing... rain. It's like a lion eating hummus.

Steven Prince:
That doesn't make any sense.

Gary King:
You're right it doesn't.

Gary King:
You really had to replace the entire town?

The Network:
Well not the whole town.

Gary King:
Well yeah everyone except for Odd Ball and the Shifty Twins!

Steven Prince:
That would make a great name for the band. Gary, write that down.

Steven Prince:
Where are you getting this from?

Oliver:
Old man Basil! He was there with a Bermuda Rhombus and the Aqua Nazis!

Gary King:
Another great name for the band. Steve, write that down!

Gary King:
[opening monologue] Ever have one of those nights that starts out like any other but ends up being the best night of your life? It was June the 22nd, 1990. Our final day of school. There was Oliver Chamberlin, Peter Page, Steven Prince, Andy Knightley, and me. They called me "The King". Because that's my name - Gary King. Ollie fancied himself as a bit of a player but really he was old man. We called him "O Man" because he had a birth mark on his face that was shaped like a six. He loved it. Pete was the baby of the group. He wasn't the kind of kid we would usually hang out with, but he was good for a laugh. And he was absolutely minted. Steve was a pretty cool guy, we jammed together. Chased the girls. I think he saw us as rivals. Sweet really. And Andy. Andy was my wingman. The one guy I could rely on to back me up. He loved me, and I'm not being funny, but I loved him too. There was nothing we were going to miss about school. Maybe Mr. Shepherd, he was one of the good guys. He used to ask me what I wanted to do with my life. I told him I just wanted to have a good time. He thought that was funny. It wasn't meant to be, not that night. Newton Haven was our home town, our playground. Our universe. And that night was the site of a heroic quest. Our aim? To conquer the Golden Mile - 12 pubs along the legendary path of alcoholic indulgence. There was the First Post, the Old Familiar, the Famous Cock, the Cross Hands, the Good Companions, the Trusty Servant, the Two Headed Dog, the Mermaid, the Beehive, the King's Head, the Hole In The Wall, all before reaching our destiny - The World's End. We took my car into town that night. We called her "The Beast" because she was pretty hairy. And so our journey into manhood began. We were off. We didn't waste any time, we hit pub one and we hit it hard. There was drinking, there was laughs, there was controversy, there were ladies, there were shots, there was drama, and of course there was drinking. By pub 5 we were feeling invincible, and decide to purchase some herbal refreshment from a man we called "The Reverend Green". Pint 6 put O Man out of commission, so we carried on without him. Good thing, I bumped into his sister at the next pub and we went into the disableds, and then I bumped into her again. Sam tagged along for a while, but then I had to let her go, I had another date that night. And her name was Amber. Nine pints in and it was us against the world. Things got mental in the Beehive so we tailed it to the Bowls Club, or as we called it "The Smoke House", which is where it all went f*** up. Everyone got paranoid and Pete chucked so we had to bench him. In the end we blew off the last three pubs and headed for the hills. As I sat up there, blood on my knuckles, beer down my shirt, sick on my shoes, knowing in my heart life would never feel this good again.

[shows Gary in a group therapy setting]

Gary King:
And you know what? It never did.

Group Leader:
Interesting, Gary. Does anyone have any insight? Or maybe they want to challenge Gary?

Pale Young Man:
Were you disappointed?

Gary King:
About what?

Pale Young Man:
You didn't make it to the World's End?

[shows Gary with a smug grin on his face]

Andrew Knightley:
What is so important about the Golden Mile?

Gary King:
It's all I've got!

Gary King:
It never got better than that night! That was supposed to be the beginning of my life! All that promise and f***ing optimism! That feeling that we could take on the whole universe! It was a big lie! Nothing happened!

[from trailer]

Gary King:
We're going to see this through to the bitter end. Or... lager end.

Gary King:
They told me when to go to sleep! Me!

Peter Page:
[laughing] King Gay!

Gary King:
We want to be free! We want to be able to do what we want to do! We want to get loaded, and we want to have a good time. So that's what we're gonna do. We're gonna have a good time.

The Network:
It's a relative few in light of our long-term plan.

Steven Prince:
You mean a few hundred thousand turned to f***ing compost!

Andy:

You know your problem, Gary? You're never wrong.

Gary:

How is that a problem?