Three Kings

Troy Barlow:
Hey, would you take those f***ing things off?

Walter:
I never got to use night-vision.

Troy Barlow:
They do not work during the day!

Walter:
Yeah, they kinda work.

Archie Gates:
Bush told the people to rise up against Saddam. They thought they'd have our support. They don't. Now they're getting slaughtered.

Archie Gates:
What's the most important thing in life?

Troy Barlow:
Respect.

Archie Gates:
Too dependent on other people.

Conrad Vig:
What, love?

Archie Gates:
A little Disneyland, isn't it?

Chief Elgin:
God's will.

Archie Gates:
Close.

Troy Barlow:
What is it then?

Archie Gates:
Necessity.

Troy Barlow:
As in?

Archie Gates:
As in people do what is most necessary to them at any given moment.

Archie Gates:
No unnecessary shots, Conrad, 'cause we know what they do.

Conrad Vig:
Make infected pockets full of bile, sir.

Archie Gates:
That's right, Conrad, that's what they do.

Archie Gates:
You're scared, right?

Conrad Vig:
Maybe.

Archie Gates:
The way it works is, you do the thing you're scared shitless of, and you get the courage AFTER you do it, not before you do it.

Conrad Vig:
That's a dumbass way to work. It should be the other way around.

Archie Gates:
I know. That's the way it works.

Archie Gates:
Sit down. What do you see here?

Chief Elgin:
Bunkers, sir.

Archie Gates:
What's in them?

Troy Barlow:
Stuff they stole from Kuwait.

Archie Gates:
Bullshit. I'm talking about millions in Kuwaiti bullion.

Conrad Vig:
You mean them little cubes you put in hot water to make soup?

Archie Gates:
No, not the little cubes you put in hot water to make soup.

Troy Barlow:
Are we shooting?

Troy Barlow:
Are we shooting people or what?

Troy Barlow:
That's what I'm asking you!

Troy Barlow:
I don't know the answer! That's what I'm trying to find out!

Troy Barlow:
I'm gonna buy a set of Lexus convertibles in every color.

Chief Elgin:
I told you, Lexus don't make a convertible.

Troy Barlow:
I'll bet you a Lexus they do.

Chief Elgin:
Alright, but it won't be a convertible.

Troy Barlow:
Walter, just stand outside so Chief can translate my Iraqi ass map... okay?

Conrad Vig:
Blacks make better receivers than quarterbacks.

Troy Barlow:
Stop speaking right now, Conrad!

Cathy:
Oh look at you Adriana, look at what's become of you.

Adriana Cruz:
Yeah look at me, I've got my clothes on - I'm dressed!

Adriana Cruz:
Are you ready to work with me now?

Archie Gates:
Yeah, I'm ready to work with you.

Adriana Cruz:
Good, 'cause I've got an amazing lead.

Archie Gates:
It was in the guy's ass.

Adriana Cruz:
What's the real story?

Adriana Cruz:
A ten-page atlas of Saddam's bunkers?

Conrad Vig:
One gold Rolex would get me a very nice split-level house outside of Garland.

Troy Barlow:
Five Rolexes would get my family that Lexus convertible.

Chief Elgin:
I told you, Lexus doesn't make a convertible.

Troy Barlow:
Yes they do, it has room in the back for a kid's seat.

Chief Elgin:
Infiniti has a convertible but not Lexus.

Troy Barlow:
Wrong.

Chief Elgin:
Either way, the Good Lord has put this map in our path and I believe we're gonna find something.

Troy Barlow:
Yeah, he could also put a land mine in our path if we go out there.

Conrad Vig:
Man... I didn't join the army to pull paper our of people's asses

Conrad Vig:
We three kings be stealin' the gold...

Troy Barlow:
Let's just stick to the plan. The plan is for the gold, right?

Chief Elgin:
Hold on, we can help these people first, and then we can be on our way.

Archie Gates:
That's what makes S.F. so badass, we got the best flashlights.

Archie Gates:
What was that?

Conrad Vig:
I rigged the football with C-4, sir.

Archie Gates:
Why would you do that?

Archie Gates:
Good afternoon. Would this be the proctology tent?

Chief Elgin:
No, sir.

Archie Gates:
Maybe it's the urology tent. Or the neurology tent. Or the nose and throat tent.

Troy Barlow:
Captain's at a staff meeting, sir.

Archie Gates:
Captain of proctologists?

Conrad Vig:
What's a proctologist, sir?

Troy Barlow:
Hey, I don't know if I can do this. I got a family. If I'm gonna sh*t in a bag for the rest of my life because I got shot after the war was over, that would pretty f***ing stupid wouldn't it, Major?

Amir Abdullah:
You know what I think? You're stealing gold, that's what I think. We're fighting Saddam and dying, and you're stealing gold.

Archie Gates:
You're wrong.

Amir Abdullah:
They have half a million men in the desert and they send four guys to pick up all this bullion? I don't think so.

Conrad Vig:
Kaboom! Y'all see that cow's head shoot up? It's like a cartoon! It's f***in' crazy!

Conrad Vig:
Didn't think I'd get to see anybody get shot in this war.

Archie Gates:
You know you're on the path to truth when you smell sh*t, isn't that what they say?

Sgt. Troy Barlow:
Conrad, you've washed your hands like ten times.

Conrad Vig:
Lord knows what kind of vermin live in the butt of a Dune Coon.

Chief Elgin:
Why do you let this cracker hang around with you, man?

Sgt. Troy Barlow:
He's all right, man. He's from a group home in Dallas. He's got no high school.

Conrad Vig:
Don't tell people that.

Chief Elgin:
I don't care if he's from Johannesburg. I don't want to hear Dune Coon or Sand N*gger from him or anybody else.

Conrad Vig:
Captain uses those terms.

Sgt. Troy Barlow:
That's not the point, Conrad. The point is that Towel Head and Camel Jockey are perfectly good substitutes.

Chief Elgin:
Exactly!

Archie Gates:
Load the people into the Humvee!

Troy Barlow:
There's no room!

Archie Gates:
Make room!

Troy Barlow:
Whatever happened to necessity?

Archie Gates:
It just changed!

Troy Barlow:
We'll I'm gonna be wearing some fashionable Kevlar.

Conrad Vig:
Yeah, me too.

Col. Horn:
You are all under arrest, you're getting court-martialed and you're gonna show us that bullion.

Archie Gates:
You know anything about gunshot wounds?

Conrad Vig:
I don't know.

Archie Gates:
Specifically, the worst thing about a gunshot wound, provided you survive the bullet, is something called sepsis.

Chief Elgin:
Infection of the blood...

Archie Gates:
That's right. Say a bullet tears into your gut. It creates a cavity in the dead tissue. That cavity fills up with bile, and bacteria, and you're f***ed.

Sgt. Troy Barlow:
Great! A f***in' tank! That should send us on our way.

Adriana Cruz:
I don't want him walking away from me, going to other reporters, and giving away my stories.

Archie Gates:
What stories? You don't have any stories.

Adriana Cruz:
You don't f***in' tell people that.

Iraqi interrogation sergeant:
"What is the problem with Michael Jackson?

The King of Pop, hoo-hoo, hee-hee.

He come to Egypt, I see picture in newspaper, with the white glove, and his hotel room. And his [shopped up{?}] face. Your country made him [shop up{?}] his face.

Michael Jackson is pop king of sick f***ing country.

You are the blind bullshit, [?]-man. It is obvious! A black man made the skin white, and the hair straight, and you know why?

Your sick f***ing country made the black man hate himself just like you hate the Arabs and children you bomb over here."