Three Men and a Baby

Michael Kellam:
How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?

Peter:
Beats the sh*t out of me.

Michael Kellam:
She did a doodle; your turn to change her.

Peter:
I'll give you a thousand dollars if you'll do it.

Jack Holden:
Angelyne! Whew! Boy, you look different. What happened?

Angelyne:
I'm dressed.

Rebecca:
Jack has a baby?

Peter Mitchell:
I realize such a concept tends to negate our belief in a benevolent God, but yes.

Mrs. Hathaway:
I love kids. Unfortunately Mr. Hathaway and I aren't able to have children. He has a low sperm count.

Michael Kellam:
Some guys have all the luck.

Peter:
All we have to do is feed it, it'll shut up.

Michael Kellam:
I don't know what babies eat.

Peter:
Soft stuff. We were babies once, for Christ's sakes, what did we eat?

Michael Kellam:
I don't know, but it couldn't have been very good, I can't remember!

Peter:
Feel her teeth.

Michael Kellam:
What?

Peter:
The druggist said you can tell how old she is by feeling her teeth.

Michael Kellam:
I'm not gonna feel her teeth, YOU feel her teeth!

Peter:
I can't feel anything.

Michael Kellam:
What does that mean?

Peter:
It means she doesn't have any damn teeth!

Michael Kellam:
Well, neither did Gabby Hayes and he was 90, so what?

Peter Mitchell:
I'm an architect for Christ sake, I build 50 story skyscrapers, I assemble cities of the future, I can certainly put together a goddam diaper.

Michael Kellam:
Whoa, these diapers are way too big!

Peter:
They're ultra absorbent! The more absorbent, the better if you ask me.

Peter:
The little insect was just... Waiting for that diaper to fall off.

Peter Mitchell:
Where'd you put the baby powder?

Michael Kellam:
Down the hall, I'll get it.

Peter Mitchell:
What'd you put it out there for? We're bathing her in here.

Michael Kellam:
It's just down the hall!

Peter Mitchell:
Well, we're not bathing her in the hall, are we?

Michael Kellam:
Well, maybe we should START, goddammit!

Peter Mitchell:
You're going to clean that up.

Peter:
Oh, this is disgusting. It's all over and it's... It's sticky and... We're going to need some kind of cleaning fluid to get this off.

Michael Kellam:
How about after shave?

Jan:
Baby take very, very much work.

Peter Mitchell:
Thanks for telling me that, Jan, I did not know that. What is he, an idiot savant?

Peter Mitchell:
Oh no, she doodled!

Jan:
"Doodled". Ha ha.

Peter Mitchell:
Yes, doodled! What's the matter, don't babies doodle in Hungary?

Peter Mitchell:
There's a quarter of a million dollars in heroin in the diaper pail and the new baby wipes are in the hall cabinet.

Rebecca:
Where is Jack?

Peter Mitchell:
He's in Turkey. Exactly where I'd be if my baby was in New York.

Peter Mitchell:
How old is the baby?

Michael Kellam:
I dunno, you want me to check her driver's license?

Sgt. Malkowitz:
Feels as though she's ready for a change.

Michael Kellam:
I'll do it.

Peter Mitchell:
Babies. All they do is eat, sleep and poop.

Michael Kellam:
Where the hell have you been? This baby hasn't stopped crying! And she did a doodle.

Peter Mitchell:
A doodle? What's that...? Oh, forget it. I don't want to know.

Michael Kellam:
Well you're gonna know, Pal, 'cause she did it.

Peter Mitchell:
I've had enough of this doo-doo!

Peter Mitchell:
Michael, you're going to have to wash where the poop was.

Michael Kellam:
See this? This is a hairry chest. You want one of these?

Michael Kellam:
Peter, this is a girl. Should we be doing this?

Jack Holden:
You're a good man, Peter.

Peter Mitchell:
I'm a goddam saint.

Jack Holden:
Saint's a little much.