Threesome

Stuart:
How did we get on the ceiling?

Eddie:
Did you pay the gravity bill this morning?

Stuart:
I forgot!

Alex:
If you eat my yogurt again, I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna f***ing kill you.

Stuart:
You make murder sound so sexual, Alex.

Stuart:
Sex is kinda like pizza. When it's bad, it's still pretty good.

Stuart:
Straight sex is better than gay sex, it's written in the Bible.

Alex:
Is that in the King James or the New World Edition?

Alex:
You have the hots for me, I have the hots for him, and sooner or later he's gonna have the hots for you.

Eddie:
Sounds pretty hot to me.

Alex:
If you're so hot on the idea, why don't you have sex with him?

Stuart:
Taste of semen makes me gag.

Alex:
How would you know? Whose semen were you eating?

Stuart:
My own.

Alex:
Oh, I am so sick of this sh*t, it's not NORMAL! It's not NORMAL the three of us LIVING TOGETHER! I am so sick of falling for guys who don't give a f*** about me! I need help! I need a facial! I need to go on a diet! I need money! I need new shoes! Oh, God, just do something!

Stuart:
Why didn't you just f*** her?

Eddie:
Yeah, right!

Stuart:
Eddy, the girl was ripping your pants off with her teeth. She's in the perfect position, at least get a blowj*b!

Stuart:
I'm telling you. If you don't have sex soon, you dick is going to shrivel up and go inside your body. Then what do you have? A vagina.

Alex:
What are you doing in here?

Eddie:
Our room has a foul and mysterious odor.

Alex:
So clean it, you used to be a clean person.

Eddie:
That was before I moved in with him. I used to make hospital corners, now I don't even change the sheets

[On Catcher In The Rye]

Stuart:
It's a great book, you're going to love it.

Alex:
I've read it four times.

Stuart:
I've often felt like the main character, Holden Caulfield...

Eddie:
No, no, he's Stratladder, the obnoxious room-mate who thinks he's it.

Eddie:
Pandora's proverbial box had been opened, and what's more, none of us were sure that we wanted it closed again.

Eddie:
If Alex and Stuart were genetically merged into one person, he or she would've been the love of my life.

Alex:
I find libraries very erotic.

Eddie:
I wonder how some people could be such a necessary part of one's life one day and simply vanish the next. Isn't it supposed to last?

Eddie:
Solitude brought out the worst in me. It gave me time to brood over the nature of things. I wondered how some people could be such a necessary part of one's life one day, and simply vanish the next. Isn't it supposed to last? We ran into each other at graduation. We had lunch about a year after that. It was nice to see them, but it wasn't like the old days. My college experience wasn't what I had planned. It bore no resemblance to the pictures in the brochure. But I'm not unhappy; I don't think any of us are. We got what we needed out of it. It's kind of like going on a vacation - you plan everything out but one day you make a wrong turn or take a detour, and you end up in some crazy place you can never find on the map, doing something you never thought you'd do. Maybe you feel a little lost while it's happening. But, later, you realize it was the best part of the whole trip

[after the guys meet Alex, she storms out, slamming the door]

Stuart:
Wow, she's amazing. Truly amazing. [sings] Amaaaaazing grace...

Eddie:
It's not Grace, it's Alex.

Stuart:
[sings] Amaaaaazing Alex...

[Eddie hits Stuart in the face with a football]