Time Bandits

Supreme Being:
Dead? No excuse for laying off work.

Evil:
If I were creating the world I wouldn't mess about with butterflies and daffodils. I would have started with lasers, eight o'clock, Day One!

Evil:
Sorry.

Randall:
We made trees and shrubs. We helped make all this.

Kevin:
Whew! That's not bad.

Randall:
Yeah. But did we get a thimble full of credit for it? No! All we got was the sack. Just for creating the Pink Bunkadoo.

Kevin:
Pink Bunkadoo?

Randall:
Yeah. Beautiful trees that was. Og designed it. 600 feet high, bright red, and smelled terrible.

Randall:
Look, do you want to be leader of this gang?

Strutter:
No, we agreed: No leader!

Randall:
Right. So shut up and do as I say.

Randall:
Well, this map, Kevin, used to belong to the Supreme Being.

Kevin:
You mean you stole it?

Randall:
No, no. Well, sort of.

Randall:
People who are always right make me sick!

Fidgit:
That's why you get along with yourself so well!

Wally:
Lads! Here's to stinking rich!

Fidgit:
And to Kevin.

Og:
Stinking Kevin.

Robin Hood:
And you're a robber too. How long have you been a robber?

Wally:
Four foot one.

Robin Hood:
Good lord! Jolly good. Four foot one? Well that-that-that is-is- a long time, isn't it?

Wally:
Vermin, that is not meant to be eaten!

Vermin:
You never know until you've eaten it!

Supreme Being:
Oh, I hate having to appear like that.

Supreme Being:
I am the Supreme Being, I'm not entirely dim.

Wally:
Do you mean you knew what was happening to us all the time?

Supreme Being:
Well, of course. I am the Supreme Being, I'm not entirely dim...

Evil:
Oh, Benson... Dear Benson, you are so mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence.

Benson:
Oh, you say such nice things, Master.

Evil:
Yes I know, I'm sorry!

Evil:
Suddenly, I feel very, very good.

Robert:
Oh, I'm sorry, Master.

Evil:
No, it'll pass, it'll pass.

Supreme Being:
I should do something very extroverted and vengeful to you. Honestly, I'm too tired. So, I think I'll transfer you to the undergrowth department, brackens, more shrubs, that sort of thing... with a 19% cut in salary, backdated to the beginning of time.

Randall:
Oh, thank you, sir.

Supreme Being:
Yes, well, I am the nice one.

Kevin:
Yes, why do we have to have evil?

Supreme Being:
Ah... I think it's something to do with free will.

Supreme Being:
Oh, I do hate appearing that way, it's an entirely noisy manifestation. Still, rather expected of one, I suppose.

Evil:
Oh Benson, dear Benson, you are so mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence.

Supreme Being:
I'm going to transfer you to the undergrowth department... bracken, small shrubs... with a nineteen percent cut in salary, backdated to the beginning of time.

Randall:
Oh, thank you, Sir.

Supreme Being:
Yes, well, I am the nice one.

Wally:
I'm sorry I killed you, Fidgit!

Evil:
No one created me! I am Evil! Evil existed long before Good. I cannot be unmade. I am all-powerful!

Kevin:
I'll never get the chance to meet Robin Hood again.

Randall:
Oh, stop moaning. He's obviously a dangerous man, unbalanced if you ask me. Giving away what isn't even his!

Kevin:
That's what Robin Hood always did. Even I know that.

Randall:
Of course, you know it all.

Kevin:
He was one of my heroes.

Randall:
Heroes! Heroes! What do they know about a day's work?

Randall:
People who are always right make me sick!

Supreme Being:
They'll think I've lost control again and leave it all to evolution.

Kevin:
Yes, why does there have to be evil?

Supreme Being:
I think it has something to do with free will.

Kevin:
Mom! Dad! It's evil! Don't touch it!

Kevin:
Mom? Dad?

Kevin:
It's some kind of invisible barrier.

Fidgit:
Oh, so that's what an invisible barrier looks like.

Supreme Being:
Do be careful! Don't lose any of that stuff. That's concentrated evil. One drop of that could turn you all into hermit crabs.

Evil:
God isn't interested in technology. He cares nothing for the microchip or the silicon revolution. Look how he spends his time, forty-three species of parrots! Nipples for men!

Robert:
Slugs.

Evil:
Slugs! HE created slugs! They can't hear. They can't speak. They can't operate machinery. Are we not in the hands of a lunatic?

Evil:
I have the map! I have the map! And the day after tomorrow... The world!

Napoleon:
Little things hitting each other. THAT'S WHAT I LIKE!

Randall:
Waiter, more champagne!

Randall:
And plenty of ice.

Evil:
God is not interested in technology... He knows nothing of the potential of the micro-chip or the silicon revolution. He's obsessed with making the grass grow and getting rainbows right... Look at what he spends his time on. 43 species of parrot! Nipples for men!

Evil:
Now Benson, I'm going to have to turn you into a dog for a while.

Kevin:
I'd like to stay.

Robin Hood:
Jolly good! What's your name?

Kevin:
Ke...

Robin Hood:
Ke? What a jolly nice name. Well never mind, cheerio! Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thank you very, very, very much.

Robin Hood:
Awful people.

Vincent:
Pansy! I can explain! It's only the thing on my nose and the hair piece. Everything else is fine!

Robin Hood:
Hello, I'm Hood.

Kevin's Mother:
Honestly, Trevor, if you were half a man you would've gone in there after the blender.

Fireman:
This is what started it. Left the Sunday joint cooking all night, didn't we?

Kevin's Mother:
Sunday joint? It's Thursday.

Napoleon:
They are all freaks! Not one of them under five foot six. What kind of theater is this?

Neguy:
You are not small at all, Commander.

Lucien:
Not by any means. Five foot one is not small.

Napoleon:
Five foot one and conqueror of Italy, not bad huh?

Evil:
Good question. Why have I let the Supreme Being keep me here in the Fortress of Ultimate Darkness?

Robert:
Because you...

Evil:
Shut up, I'm speaking rhetorically.

Evil:
Suddenly I feel... Very, very good.

Benson:
I'm sorry, Master.

Evil:
It will pass. It will pass.

Fidgit:
You're gonna get us all killed, Randall!

Randall:
Stop whimpering! How was I to know we were gonna run right into an iceberg? It didn't say 'Get off before the iceberg' on the ticket!

Evil:
You are a very troublesome little fellow. I think I should teach you one of my special lessons? What do you think, Robert? Benson? What would look nice? Half-warthog? Half-donkey? Half-oyster? Half-carrot?

Kevin:
Do you know where we are?

Randall:
Of course I do. 1796, Battle of Castiglione. See?

Strutter:
Are you sure we're not in somebody's bedroom?

Kevin:
Is it always like this after you've done a raid?

Fidgit:
I don't know. We've never done one before.

Kevin:
But I thought you were international criminals.

Randall:
Going to be. Going to be.

Kevin:
Who was that man?

Fidgit:
That was no man. That was the Supreme Being.

Kevin:
You mean God?

Fidgit:
Well, we don't know Him that well. We only work for Him.

Randall:
Shut up!

Announcer:
Yes, folks... Moderna Designs present the latest in kitchen luxury. The Moderna Wonder Major All Automatic Convenience Center-ette.

Robin Hood:
The poor are going to be absolutely thrilled. Have you met them at all?

Randall:
Who?

Robin Hood:
The poor.

Randall:
The poor?

Robin Hood:
Oh you must meet them. I'm sure you'll like them. Of course they haven't got two pennies to rub together but that's because they're poor.

Robin Hood:
Oh yes and believe you me, the poor are going to be, well not just absolutely thrilled, but also considerably less poor, aren't they Redgrave?

Robin Hood:
You see- what did he say?

Evil:
So this is the best the Supreme Being can do?

Vincent:
Oh no. The problem. The problem, Pansy, it's started again! Oh! Oh! I must have fruit!

Neguy:
Sir, I really think there are more important thing...

Napoleon:
SHUT UP! Don't you dare to tell me my business. You are dismissed, you hear? You, Lucien, the rest of you. Great streaks of misery.

Lucien:
But, Sir...

Napoleon:
NO! I'm going to have some new generals for a bit.

Pansy:
Oh, you don't have to wear the "special"...?

Vincent:
No, no, no, I don't have to wear the "special." Anymore.

Vincent:
Oh no. The problem. The problem, Pansy! It's started again!

Pansy:
Oh! Oh, don't worry, darling!

Vincent:
Ohhh... ohhh...

Pansy:
I say!

Vincent:
I must have fruit!

Fidgit:
We should've stayed home making trees.

Randall:
Oh shut up.

Fidgit:
How could we have been so stupid?

Og:
I don't know.

Kevin's Father:
You must wait for your food to go down.

Kevin:
I haven't eaten any food.

Kevin's Mother:
Well you must eat your food.

Kevin's Father:
And then wait for it to go down.

Mrs. Ogre:
Aren't they lovely? We can have them for breakfast.

Winston the Ogre:
You mean eat their boots?

Kevin:
What are we going to do here?

Wally:
A robbery.

Kevin:
A robbery?

Fidgit:
Of course. We're international criminals. We do robberies!

Randall:
Shut up!

Robin Hood:
You enjoy robbing then?

Wally:
Well it helps pay the rent, Sir.

Robin Hood:
Ha ha ha ha. Jolly good. Ha ha ha.

Supreme Being:
Return what you have stolen from me! Return the map! It will bring you great danger. Stop... Now!

Evil:
Stand by for Mind Control!

Randall:
You see, to be quite frank, Kevin, the fabric of the universe is far from perfect. It was a bit of botched job, you see. We only had seven days to make it. And that's where this comes in. This is the only map of all the holes. Well, why repair them? Why not use them to get stinking rich?

Pansy:
Help! Robbers!

Og:
Hey! That's us!

Evil:
If you're wrong, Benson, my revenge will be slow and unpleasant. I will turn you inside out over a very long period of time.

Benson:
Oh, thank you, master, thank you!

Kevin:
The money wasn't important to him.

Randall:
He didn't have anything to spend it on, did he? Stuck out in Greece. Lowest standard of living in Europe.

Winston the Ogre:
There used to be a time when you could be sure of catching old boots, cans, hat racks, boxes. Now it's prawns all the bloody time.

Randall:
Heh heh. We can explain everything, sir. It's not as bad as it looks. We... We just borrows the map and... Sort of got rather happy about it and... Ran off in high spirits.

Kevin:
Who are you?

Strutter:
That's not Him.

Fidgit:
That didn't sound like Him, did it?

Wally:
It doesn't even look like Him!

Strutter:
It isn't him!

Randall:
Let's get him!

Randall:
Strutter, get his torch! Shine it right in the face.

Randall:
His face, dummy!

Announcer:
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Kevin's Mother:
Morrisons have got one that can do that in eight seconds.

Kevin's Father:
Oh?

Kevin's Mother:
Block of ice to Beef Bourguignon in eight seconds. Lucky things.

Kevin's Father:
Well, at least we've got a two speed hedge cutter.

Evil:
Oh, Benson! I feel the power of evil coursing through my veins, filling every corner of my being with the desire to do wrong! I feel so bad, Benson!

Benson:
Good! Good!

Evil:
Yes, it is good, for this is the worst kind of badness that I'm feeling!

Pansy:
Oh, Sir Vincent, you came for me!

Vincent:
Oh, good Mistress Pansy, I could not have ridden faster! Four horses have I exhausted this day from Nottingham!

Pansy:
Oh, the way you leapt to my chamber, so full of... of... manliness!

Vincent:
I could scarce restrain the rushing of my feet! These twelve long years have been like chains abound me!

Pansy:
Oh... Oh, and the personal problem?

Vincent:
Oh, much, much better.