Tiny Furniture

[first lines]

Aura:
Honey, I'm home... Family?

Candace:
Downstairs...

Siri:
Can you turn your right toe slightly towards me?

Nadine:
It hurts.

Siri:
Perfect.

[click]

Aura:
I just got off a plane from Ohio. I am in a post-graduate delirium.

Aura:
[on why her ex-boyfriend went to Colorado] Something about building a shrine to his ancestors out of a dying tree.

Siri:
Do you have the same sense of entitlement as my daughter.

Charlotte:
Oh believe me, mine is much worse.

Charlotte:
[to Aura after Charlotte slapped her because she hadn't seen her for years] I'm so sorry i slapped you! i'm just so overwhelmed!

Charlotte:
In high school, you were always the "I have to go home" girl. Are you still the "i have to go home" girl?

Aura:
I have to go home.

Charlotte:
You know the thing about your friends? They weren't a**holes, were they?

Aura:
No, not at all.

Charlotte:
See, that's the problem. Our people are a**holes. Our moms are a**holes.

Aura:
You think my mom's an a**hole?

Charlotte:
Yeah. She's too successful not to be.

Charlotte:
[to Aura] You need something that shows off your little tits. You have the greatest little tits. They're like a 1960's porn star with those puffy little nipples you have.

Charlotte:
[when Aura mentions her hostess pay check] I wouldn't get that excited about that paycheck. It's pretty disappointing. After awhile, I just stopped picking mine up.

Siri:
You get him out of our house.

Aura:
What?

Siri:
I want him out of my house!

Aura:
He's not doing anything! He's only been in my room!

Siri:
He is in the laundry room mixing lights and darks!

Charlotte:
I think the issue is that it reflects badly on Aura as an authority figure...

Nadine:
You know what else reflects badly? Walking through my party with no pants on.

Charlotte:
That's a good point.

Ashlynn:
So I am going to introduce you to this boy Jed. He is little bit famous, in like an internet kind of way.

Ashlynn:
[on Aura's youtube video] I saw that your dyslexic stripper video got like 400 hits!

Aura:
[to Siri when Aura asks to borrow her laptop] Did you just google 'cupcakes'?

Charlotte:
Listen, if you're lonely, you can come back to my place, and we can just take an ambien and watch "Picnic at Hanging Rock".

Keith:
How are things?

Aura:
Um. I'm really tired. I took three klonopin and woke up next to a spoon full of peanut butter.

Aura:
I have no experience.

Charlotte:
It's absolutely fine. On my resume under "skills", I put "has a landline".

Keith:
These guys are such f***ing dirt bags, man. I'm just sitting there, trying to read my book, and they're all crowded around watching "cum omelette" on someone's iPhone.

Aura:
What is "cum omelette"?

Keith:
A porn video.

Aura:
What happens in it?

Keith:
Pretty self explanatory.

Aura:
You don't have AIDS, do you?

Keith:
No. Do you?

Aura:
Uh uh.

Keith:
Do you have herpes?

Aura:
No. Do you?

Keith:
No.

Siri:
...Poems are a very stupid thing to be good at. Poems are basically like dreams. Something everybody likes to tell other people but stuff that nobody actually cares about when its not their own.

Charlotte:
OK, full disclosure. I was in rehab in 2007. It wasn't for this pot, it was for like a blow situation that I since cleared up.

Aura:
Do you drink?

Charlotte:
Yeah, no, no, umm... only kombucha, you know? And some red wine, but that's good for you. But I don't think we need to talk about all our issues, you know?