Tittybangbang

[repeated line]

Italian Maid:
Don't look at Me! I'm shy!

Italian Maid:
[stroking a Cat] Don't look at me, I'm just stroking my p*ssy!

Lucy Montgomerry:
Don't look at me, I'm just busting metal.

Italian Maid:
Oh look I can see my reflection, oh what a boring reflection!

Italian Maid:
Aaah! It's a metal sex crime!

Lucy Montgomerry:
I'd rather live with the burning sensation.

Parker:
I can't resist a stiffy!

Pete Wade:
Don't touch, dangerous chemicals!

Maxine Bendix:
I won't have anything up me!

Lucy Montgomerry:
I have a very large ass!

Lucy Montgomerry:
I suffer terribly with my nerves I do. [her head flicks back]

Lucy Montgomerry:
[Ecstatic] I'm going for an audition in London! London! London!

Lucy Montgomerry:
[Very un ecstatic, mimiking her] I'm going for a hostpital appointment in Swansea, Swansea, Swansea.

Don Peacock:
Can I have a little widdle on you?

Don Peacock:
Now, did the agency tell you that I would be paying twenty pounds, and that I would be piddling on you?

Chinese Hooker:
What, I don't understand Don.

Don Peacock:
That's alright, you'll know when it hits you.

Don Peacock:
What's that you've done with your hair, it looks like you've had a bit of a shock.

Hooker with Afro:
It's an afro, my father was a black man.

Don Peacock:
Ah. That would explain the shock then.

Lucy Montgomerry:
[Her father is in hospital and wants Duck and Chips but he isn't allowed to have it] Oh, give him his Donald.

Di Botcher:
But it could kill him!

Lucy Montgomerry:
Death by a duck, bonanza!

Tony Way:
At least i'd die happy.

Lucy Montgomerry:
You're not gonna die, you're just getting you're ass sorted!

Dad:
Fart on it!

[repeated line]

Parker:
Lose the breathing Harris!

Harris:
Sorry Ma'am.

Lucy Montgomerry:
Get out of my face!

Maxine Bendix:
It's just a little seepage. Just a little bit of seepage.

Gwyneth:
[singing at audition] I have a dream, a song to sing, to help me cope with anything.

Judge:
No.

Gwyneth:
WHAT DID YOU SAY?

Judge:
Er... Yes.

Nicola:
Pamela has taken it upon herself to introduce a full grown dog to the bedroom.

Pamela:
Whereas Nicola would rather it was shut outside.

Nicola:
It's bad enough that I have to share a room with your shutty knuckers.

Lucy Montgomerry:
[at a swimming pool] What is bombing Mr Hasselhoff?

Tony Way:
Bombing is where you jump in with your arms wrapped around your legs, arse facing the water.

Lucy Montgomerry:
Oh I would never do that Mr David, because I have recently had extensive liposuction and work done to my arse. Do you like my new arse, I think it's really sweet. [she turns around to reveal a very lumpy bottom]

Tom Cruise:
I'm six foot two, and growing!

Roger:
Give or take half a foot boss...

Magwash:
For those of you who are standing, it might be best you sh*t yourself, for this tale will cause ye great shite!

Barmaid:
Surely you mean great fright, Magwash?

Magwash:
How dare you interrupt the tale- [pause] Aye I did mean great fright, not great shite.

Various:
We sat at the table but things weren't going well. We hardly said a word to each other. It was like I was trying to get the knickers off a corpse!

Various Characters:
Bloody hell Paula, you look like you've been in a car crash!

Various Roles:
A multiple sex pilot with my new boyfriend as it happens Diane!

Various Characters:
He can't keep his hands off you then.

Various Roles:
He's a human amagil Diane. We've been going at it around the clock! We've only stopped for toilet breaks and Deal Or No Deal.

Various Roles:
Aww ain't it romantic! Hey, do you want a cushion, Paula, for your muff?

Various Roles:
What you doing here babe?

Paula's boyfriend:
Couldn't keep away babe. Not every day you get to see ladies' regional champion in action.

Various Characters:
[Bursts out laughing] Ladies' regional champion!

Various Roles:
Shut it Diane!

Various Characters:
Oh whatever.

Various:
Scorton captain to the ochey please!

Paula's boyfriend:
Get up there babe. Make love to that dart board like you make love to me. Shag it!

Various Characters:
Oh no! I've got my velcro caught in Edith's lady hair!

Various Roles:
[Coughs something up] Holy Mary mother of the Jesus Christ Lord! A wooden egg!

Various:
Calm down Maxine, it's a necterine pip!

Various Roles:
Oh! [whispers] Do you know, I have never eaten a necterine.

Various Roles:
Suddenly, I was swept off the ground by an unseen force and deposited in the back garden of Ancient Mary's house! I crept up to the window, AND THERE SAT ANCIENT MARY, SHITTING with all her might and concentration as if she might never sh*t again after this shite!

Various Roles:
Surely you mean knitting Magwash?

Various Roles:
Ay ay, she's right, uh, she was knitting, not shitting, as if she might never sh*t- uh knit again after this terrible shite.

Various Roles:
Night.

Various Roles:
Oh come on! I think the pub got the sense of what I was saying!

Pub crowd:
[Shrugging and muttering]

Various Roles:
SILENCE! [Lightning flashes and crowd recoils] Ancient Mary looked up at me, and then held aloft what it was she had shitted- uh knitted. It was a woollen sign, with two words embroidered at the centre of it! As I read the words, I knew immediately what it was we were TO EAT! [lightening flashes]

Various Roles:
Tell us Magwash! What did the words spell?

Various Roles:
The words spelled... Kellogg's Frosties!