To the Manor Born

The Rector:
For what we are about to receive may the Lord make us truly thankful.

[Marjory stifles a laugh]

Audrey fforbes-Hamilton:
Marjory?

Marjory Frobisher:
Sorry! Um, got a bone in my throat.

Audrey fforbes-Hamilton:
Do watch out for bones everybody. You can't be too careful with avocados.

Audrey fforbes-Hamilton:
"Since the death of her husband, Audrey has left Grantleigh Manor and moved down the drive." They think I live in a pothole!

Marjory Frobisher:
I was surprised to hear she'd got married at all, I mean she wasn't very attractive was she?

Audrey fforbes-Hamilton:
Oh, let's not mince words, Margory, she had a face like a ship's boiler.

Richard DeVere:
When I say I want to know all about pig-breeding, I want to know the full facts. All you've told me here is that pigs are dirty little pink things which go 'Oink!'

Richard DeVere:
We're about to have another lecture, are we?

Audrey fforbes-Hamilton:
If that's what you want to call it...

Richard DeVere:
In that case, I'll be brief. I'm fed up to the back teeth with the way you keep rushing over here with some little quibble about the way I'm running this estate. I know for a fact that you have no real quarrel with the way I'm doing it, so why do you keep finding fault? I'll tell you why: firstly, because you want to prove to everybody that you're still Dame High and Mighty around here and secondly, because you rather enjoy coming over here... to see me.

Audrey fforbes-Hamilton:
Oh, there's a note attached. "My mother and I would be so pleased if you could spend Xmas day with us at the Manor." "Xmas" - makes it sound like a skin complaint.

Audrey fforbes-Hamilton:
Democracy is all very well, but why give it to the people?

Audrey fforbes-Hamilton:
[Audrey and Brabinger have started their homemade honey business and are tasting their product] We've made a start. From now on we can only expand.

Brabinger:
Especially if we keep eating the honey, madam.

Audrey fforbes-Hamilton:
[laughs] We don't want you to get stuck in the front door like Winnie the Pooh, do we?

[repeated line]

Mrs. Polouvicka:
We have a saying in old Czechoslovakia.

[first lines]

Audrey:
good morning, Brabinger.

Brabinger:
Good morning, Madam. Breakfast is served.

Audrey:
[to Brabinger] Nothing would please me more than bouncing a cheque on Mr. DeVere.

Mrs. Polouvicka:
We have a saying in old Czechoslovakia, that the teapot that is left longest grows coldest.

Marjory:
Perhaps its'a sex film.

Audrey:
With Brabinger. You have sex on the brain.

Mrs. Polouvicka:
[to Audrey] There is a saying in old Czechoslovakia, that the cat who eats from the dog's bowl gets her whiskers bitten off. Watch your step my girl.

[last lines]

DeVere:
I must say I can't think of a pleasanter way of adding a touch of class.

Audrey:
I never thought I'd hear myself saying this Richard, but I can't think of a pleasanter way of adding a touch of money.

[first lines]

Marjory:
Good morning, Rector.

Audrey:
Brabinger's got his back trouble again.

Marjory:
What's he picked up this time?

Audrey:
A billiard table.

Marjory:
Heavens, this is an old school photograph, isn't it?

Audrey:
Oh, yes. There's you! What a sight!

Marjory:
Where are you? Oh, there you are, right at the end.

Audrey:
I don't think I've changed all that much.

Marjory:
No, that's just it. You haven't.

Marjory:
Chin up, Aud. At least he's English.

Mrs. Polouvicka:
But the people that were in the Manor before us... stinkers!

Audrey:
Stinkers?

Mrs. Polouvicka:
Absolutely! So they say, thank you. Especially HER!

Audrey:
Who says?

Mrs. Polouvicka:
Common knowledge.

Audrey:
Common it may be, knowledge it is not. It's idle gossip. I hope Mr. DeVere realises that.

Audrey:
How much will you bet? Fifty pounds?

DeVere:
I don't like taking money from a woman.

Audrey:
Splendid. That means I can't lose.

[last lines]

Audrey:
[to Richard DeVere] Aren't you forgetting something? You owe me fifty pounds.

Richard DeVere:
[Brabinger has won the auction and "bought" the Grantleigh Estate, standing in for his employer, Mrs. fforbes-Hamilton] Brabinger, it can't be you, can it?

Brabinger:
I do have a few savings.

[first lines]

The Rector:
First, the Parish notices about our Christmas actvities. This week as you know we had the Christmas collection for old people of the Parish, which raised the sum of four hundred pounds. A record amount, due largely to a substantial contribution donated by our Lord of the Manor, Mr. DeVere. Our thanks are due to him.

[last lines]

Audrey:
I'll be it, and I'll bet you'll never find me. I'll be in the broom cupboard under the stairs.

DeVere:
Wait a minute. I don't think I understand this game.

Audrey:
Oh, splendid. I'll have to explain it to you. You come with me. Now you two, close your eyes and start counting. To a thousand.

Audrey:
Oh, there's a note attached.

Marjory:
Oh, yes?

Audrey:
"My mother and I would be so pleased if you could spend X-mas day with us at the Manor." "X-mas" - makes it sound like a skin complaint.

[first lines]

The Rector:
How nice to see you.

Ned:
[talking about the clock that's stopped working] They don't like changing houses. Upsets them.

Audrey:
Yes, I know how it feels.

DeVere:
Well. are you coming in?

Audrey:
You're wearing your pyjamas.

DeVere:
Well, don't worry. I expect we can find some for you. Come in.

Audrey:
We were discussing your not going to church.

DeVere:
Well, I'm not religious.

Audrey:
Religion doesn't come into it.

Audrey:
Well, is there anything you want to know?

DeVere:
[reading from a newspaper] Yes, one thing.

Audrey:
What?

DeVere:
What's a vessel for the fastidious? Something something something something something o something.

Audrey:
[rising to leave] I don't do the Junior Crossword Mr. DeVere.

[Audrey and Marjory are discussing Ned, one of the estate workers]

Marjory:
There's hardly a clock in the neighbourhood he hasn't broken at sometime or another. What about that clock at Mulbery-St. Nicholas he mended? It must be the only church clock with a cuckoo in it.

Audrey:
He's a craftsman. If you don't give him the work he'll never get better.

Marjory:
But he's been doing it for thirty seven years.

Audrey:
Well there you are! You can't expect him to get it right first time!

Ned:
Sounds like rain.

DeVere:
How can you tell? No, don't tell me. Clouds. [Ned stares at him] Bird formation? Cows lying down? No, you said it sounded like rain. I know, you heard it on the wind.

Ned:
No, Sir. Heard it on the weather forecast this morning.

Audrey:
[to Richard DeVere] Oh, Lord. To think that Grantleigh is in the hands of a man who has no interest in farming, doesn't go to church, and now it turns out hasn't heard of 'Winnie the Pooh'. You think A.A. Milne is a motoring organisation I suppose.

Audrey:
This is one of the wettest counties in England, you know.

DeVere:
Yes, well I don't mind so long as it doesn't shrink. I didn't pay nearly a million to end up owning a bonsai bowling green.

Audrey:
Besides it's polite to be twenty minutes late.

DeVere:
But you're forty minutes late.

Audrey:
I'm just doubly polite.

DeVere:
And I promise you that tomorrow morning. I'll read the lesson as to the manor born.

[last lines]

DeVere:
I bet this is the first time in four hundred years there hasn't been a fforbes-Hamilton in church.

Audrey:
That's just where you're wrong, Mr. DeVere. If you had looked carefully you'd have seen that the church is absolutely stuffed with fforbes-Hamiltons.

Mrs. Polouvicka:
[to Richard] There is a saying in old Czechoslovakia, he who sits on the highest pinnacle still sits on his own backside.

The Rector:
Well, there we are Mrs fforbes-Hamilton. He walked in the way of the Lord and served him right.

Audrey fforbes-Hamilton:
Yes, it certainly did. Well, thank you Rector, it was a lovely funeral. We must have one again sometime.

J.J. Anderson:
This is Mr DeVere.

Richard DeVere:
My condolences Mrs fforbes-Hamilton.

Audrey fforbes-Hamilton:
Most kind. It was a great shock, but life must go on. Do help yourself to a drink.

J.J. Anderson:
It's Mr DeVere of Cavendish Foods...

Audrey fforbes-Hamilton:
Oh, the caterers! In that case, help everyone else to a drink.

Arnold Plunkett:
I have some things I must talk to you about this afternoon as soon as you have a moment: business, I'm afraid.

Audrey fforbes-Hamilton:
Arnold, this is a funeral! You must learn not to combine business with pleasure.

Audrey fforbes-Hamilton:
Sell Grantleigh? You're mad.

Arnold Plunkett:
The creditors are insisting upon it.

Audrey fforbes-Hamilton:
Have they no sense of history. We've been here through wars, plagues, floods, famines and labor governments. They can't let a little thing like bankruptcy alter the natural cause of events.

Audrey fforbes-Hamilton:
If I can't keep the manor, I want it to go to one of us. 'England for the English,' as we used to say about India.

[first lines]

Richard DeVere:
Excuse me, Vicar, is this the Grantleigh estate?

The Rector:
It is indeed.

Richard DeVere:
Oh, good. I'm looking for the Old Lodge.

Audrey fforbes-Hamilton:
Thank God that's over. I can't stand the offhand manner of these undertakers. When I was down at that office yesterday, I saw them playing hoopla with the reeds.

Marjory:
I suppose it's their way of life.

Audrey fforbes-Hamilton:
Nonsense. It's just another example of fallen standards. Are they out of sight?

Marjory:
Yes, I think so.

Audrey fforbes-Hamilton:
Good, I can take this damn hat off. If one thing guaranteed to make a widow feel grizzly, it's having to face the immediate future through a veil.

Marjory:
I think you were awfully brave, Audrey. You kept your composure very well.

Audrey fforbes-Hamilton:
Marjory, how long have we been friends?

Marjory:
Oh, all of our lives just about.

Audrey fforbes-Hamilton:
And you agree that a great bond of respect and trust has grown up between us? That is if we overlook the little matter of the crush we both had on Cynthia Fitzsimmons of Beddingham.

Marjory:
I'm sorry.

Audrey fforbes-Hamilton:
Because I don't want you to breathe a word of what I'm going to do now.

Marjory:
Oh, of course I won't. It's only natural that you should want to have a little emotional outburst in private.

Audrey fforbes-Hamilton:
Thank you, Marjory. Nobody looking, is there?

Marjory:
No.

Audrey fforbes-Hamilton:
Right, here goes. Yipee! There. Oh I feel so much better now.

Marjory:
Money isn't everything. What about love, and romance?

Audrey fforbes-Hamilton:
You mean sex! You're sex mad. I can get anything I want in that line just by snapping my fingers.

Marjory:
I never found snapping my fingers that exciting.

Marjory:
Golly, the place looks bare! What have you done?

Audrey fforbes-Hamilton:
Oh, we've taken all the "In Sympathy" cards down. Pity, they made the place look so cheerful. There's a lovely one here from Mrs. Beechum. "May me and Harry offer you every assistance with your death."

Audrey fforbes-Hamilton:
Marjory, are you going to dress for dinner?

Marjory:
I have!

Audrey fforbes-Hamilton:
To eat it or cook it?

The Rector:
Good luck, Mrs. Fforbes-Hamilton.

Audrey fforbes-Hamilton:
Thank you, Rector. What are you doing here?

The Rector:
I'm simply doing the Lord's bidding.

Audrey fforbes-Hamilton:
Oh, I didn't know he was interested. Well, that would be something. At least He's English.

[last lines]

Richard DeVere:
I won't say goodbye. Just au revoir.

Marjory:
[speaking about Richard De Vere] Golly, what a man.

Audrey fforbes-Hamilton:
Yes, isn't he?

Marjory:
Aud, you're not thinking of...?

Audrey fforbes-Hamilton:
Why not?

Marjory:
You were, you've just said the most terrible things about him!

Audrey fforbes-Hamilton:
Marjory, you must learn not to confuse money with breeding. He's got the money, I've got the breeding.

Marjory:
Do you think he might be your Mr. Right?

Audrey fforbes-Hamilton:
I don't know about Mr. Right, but he could very well be Mr. Convenient.

Marjory:
At least he's English.

Audrey fforbes-Hamilton:
But he's trade.

[first lines]

Audrey:
Good morning, Mrs. Patterson.

DeVere:
May I call you Audrey? After all we've known each other for quite a while.

Audrey:
Yes, we have.

DeVere:
And perhaps you'll call me Richard.

Audrey:
Perhaps.

[last lines]

DeVere:
You've never seen anything so beautiful.

Audrey:
I think I might have done, briefly.

[first lines]

DeVere:
Thank you.

Audrey:
There we are. Oh, this room has filled up quite a bit.

The Kitchen Fitter:
That's a bread cupboard, ma'am. We're in Europe now, aren't we?

Audrey:
You may be. But I intend to stay here.

Audrey:
If you want to know what I've been doing at the Lodge, there's a perfectly rational explanation. Well, perhaps not that rational, not to a man anyway.

DeVere:
Try me.

DeVere:
[tightly clasping a ancient vase] What the devil's Marjory doing with my Egyptian vase?

Mrs. Polouvicka:
Well, she asked me if we had any old jugs she could use in her play.

Marjory:
[talking about the Egyptian vase] Well if I'd have known what it was, I'd never have let Cleopatra hurl it at the third Eunuch.

[first lines]

DeVere:
[to Audrey] Now, you'd never do anything like that.

[first lines]

DeVere:
Mother, how much longer are you going to be building that aircraft carrier?

Mrs. Polouvicka:
I am arranging a few flowers.

[last lines]

Audrey:
Badgers. Is that all?

DeVere:
That's all. You know how tongues wag.

[first lines]

The Brigadier:
Well, I'm sure we've all learnt a lot from Sir Peter's very interesting talk on wild life.

[last lines]

DeVere:
Well Audrey, let's drink to this year. And to us.

[first lines]

Audrey:
Electricity, gas, telephone. Oh, glory.

Marjory:
Good morning.

Audrey:
That's your opinion.

The Rector:
For what we are about to receive may the Lord make us truly thankful. [Marjory stifles a laugh]

Audrey:
Marjory?

Marjory:
Sorry! Um, got a bone in my throat.

Audrey:
Do watch out for bones everybody. You can't be too careful with avocados.

Mrs. Polouvicka:
We have a saying in old Czechoslovakia. That the tongue that talks most tastes least.

[last lines]

Mrs. Beecham:
[to Ned] If you want me to cook you all another meal, sometime I will. Evening, Mrs. Fforbes.

Audrey:
Ned.

[first lines]

Ned:
Ned.

Audrey:
Yes, Miss fforbes.

Audrey:
[reading from a school magazine] "Since the death of her husband, Audrey has left Grantleigh Manor and moved down the drive." [to Marjory] They'll think I live in a pothole!

Marjory:
[talking about Podge] I was surprised to hear she'd got married at all, I mean she wasn't very attractive was she?

Audrey:
Oh, let's not mince words, Marjorie; she had a face like a ship's boiler. And what's more, she was built like one.

DeVere:
[to Audrey] A gay divorcee, that sounds promising.

Diana Hodge:
I don't suppose the gay divorcee can tell the merry widow something she doesn't know already.

Audrey:
I'm not exactly a merry widow.

Audrey:
You heard what she said, "footloose and fancy free". I don't want somebody like that at the manor. Do we?

Marjory:
No, I guess we don't.

[last lines]

Audrey:
[to Richard] Two cups and saucers. How thoughtful. Will you join me?

[first lines]

Mrs. Patterson:
But Brigadier, I can't give you a new car licence.

Brigadier Lemington:
Nonsense, Mrs. Patterson.

Audrey:
First floor. Third window from the left.

Marjory:
Oh gosh, you can see absolutely everything.

Audrey:
Yes, I know. Would you say the Brigadier is looking rather harassed?

Marjory:
Distinctly. He's waiving his arms about. Ooh, it's a good job I can't lip read.

Audrey:
Most satisfactory.

Marjory:
I believe you planned this whole thing.

Audrey:
What do you mean.

Marjory:
You're hoping Mr. DeVere will come to you and ask for help on bended knee.

Audrey:
Whatever for?

Marjory:
Because he won't be able to cope with the hunt ball, and you'll be able to show him the estate can't function without you.

Audrey:
Well that's true enough, it can't.

Marjory:
The curtains can draw right across now.

Audrey:
Oh lovely, we don't want people peering in. I do believe privacy is very important.

DeVere:
If I had a magic wand Cinders, I could still take you to the ball. It isn't midnight yet.

Audrey:
I never thought of myself as Cinders before. Might be rather fun. Wave your magic wand fairy godmother.

DeVere:
Abracadabra. Oh, you look breathtaking.

Audrey:
Thank you.

DeVere:
Couldn't I turn into your Prince Charming.

Audrey:
Perhaps.

[last lines]

Audrey:
[singing] Heaven, I'm in heaven...

[first lines]

DeVere:
Hawkins, where's the first drive?

Mrs. Polouvicka:
Still there is a saying in old Czechoslovakia. The naked man fears no pick-pockets.

[last lines]

Audrey:
What would you call him then?

DeVere:
A dry remnant of a garden flower.