Topper Returns

Eddie, the Chauffeur:
Doors closing by themselves. People talkin' to nuthin' and gettin' answers. I'm going back.

Clara Topper:
Back where?

Eddie, the Chauffeur:
To Mr. Benny. Ain't nuthin' like this ever happened there.

Eddie, the Chauffeur:
Pardon me, boss, but could I sort of inquire what we're going to the Carrington place for?

Cosmo Topper:
To look for a body.

Eddie, the Chauffeur:
Better look for one for me, too, 'cause the one I'm using now is numb.

Clara Topper:
Trying to make these policemen understand something is harder than doing it yourself.

[Two attractive woman stop a car by sitting right in the roadway]

Eddie, the Chauffeur:
Uh-oh! Danger ahead. Two of 'em.

Rama the Butler:
[appearing suddenly on the stoop] Good evening.

Gail Richards:
[startled] Why don't you knock before you come out?

Gail Richards:
What else do you do around here besides wind clocks?

Gail Richards:
Six more inches and we'd all be singing 'Annie Doesn't Live Here Anymore.'

Lillian:
The Chinese Room will be yours, Miss Richards.

Gail Richards:
Oh, you're a doll.

Gail Richards:
[to Ann] Well, this is just dandy. I travel seven thousand miles just to get away from Chinamen, and here I am with everything but a bowl of rice.

Ann Carrington:
What's that sound?

Lillian:
It's the waves. Angry waves. Day after day, night after night, they beat with savage fury against the black rocks below. For twenty years they've been calling... calling... calling to someone who never answers.

Gail Richards:
Just like the Pot of Gold program.

Ann Carrington:
Where did you last see her?

Cosmo Topper:
She was sitting on a table in the hall and she hung my hat on a Chinaman's foot.

Bob:
This young lady owes me for a taxi cab ride. I came here to collect it, she asked me up to this room, I heard her scream, and... walked into the middle of an Orson Welles broadcast.

Sgt. Roberts:
I'm not supposed to think - I'm from the city hall.

Sgt. Roberts:
Where's your husband?

Clara Topper:
In the icebox.

Sgt. Roberts:
Has he got the body with him?

Clara Topper:
Certainly. Under his overcoat.

Sgt. Roberts:
You wouldn't, by any chance, be thinking you were a lamb chop?

Sgt. Roberts:
So you admit there is a body.

Cosmo Topper:
Yes. I came over here to look for it.

Sgt. Roberts:
Well, how did you know it was here?

Cosmo Topper:
She told me.

Sgt. Roberts:
She? Who's she?

Cosmo Topper:
The dead girl.

Sgt. Roberts:
Well, what are YOU doin' here?

Eddie, the Chauffeur:
If you'd've asked me that a second later, you'd have been talkin' to yourself.

Sgt. Roberts:
Nobody leaves this room. Not even me. And that goes for the both of us.

Sgt. Roberts:
Innocent men stay home nights. They don't hide in iceboxes. And they don't take dead bodies on boat rides.

Sgt. Roberts:
Why did you kill her?

Cosmo Topper:
I didn't!

Sgt. Roberts:
That's only ONE man's opinion.

Cosmo Topper:
I can prove it.

Sgt. Roberts:
How?

Cosmo Topper:
Leave me alone in that room for a minute.

Sgt. Roberts:
Ho-ho, I'm not THAT dumb.

Bob:
Well, that's only one man's opinion, too.

Sgt. Roberts:
Send for a straight jacket. Make it two - one for me.

Sgt. Roberts:
There's a pickpocket in the joint! Whoever stole that witness, put her back!

Sgt. Roberts:
I've been in politics ten years, and I've never seen anything as balled up as this is!

Clara Topper:
Why, you're all wet. Is it raining out? Oh, but you haven't been out. Can't be raining in. Well, if it has, it's all cleared up.

Cabbie:
Well, here, read it - or am I expecting too much?