Torch Song Trilogy

Arnold:
I don't want to hear what you have to say, because believe me, you don't want to hear what I have to say.

Arnold:
You want to be a part of my life, I'm not editing out the parts you don't like.

Arnold:
There's one more thing you better understand. I have taught myself to sew, cook, fix plumbing, build furniture - I can even pat myself on the back when necessary - all so I don't have to ask anyone for anything.

Ed:
Care to talk about it?

Arnold:
I am upset, I am uptight, I am up to my nipples in Southern Comfort, and you're trying to take advantage of me.

Arnold:
Fine!

Ma:
After all, a problem is never as permanent as a solution!

Arnold:
I think my biggest problem is being young and beautiful. It's my biggest problem because I've never been young and beautiful. Oh, I've been beautiful, and God knows I've been young, but never the twain have met.

Arnold:
A ugly person who goes after a pretty person gets nothing but trouble. But a pretty person who goes after a ugly person gets at least cab fare.

Arnold:
A thing of beauty is a joy 'till sunrise.

Bertha:
In order to be a real dame you've got to kneel before a queen!

Arnold:
I know you'll find this hard to comprehend, but I want more out of life than meeting a pretty face and sitting down on it.

Murray:
Graphically put!

Bertha:
Personally, I never enjoy sex with someone I know.

Arnold:
Our Lady of High Standards!

Ed:
Oh, you are really draggin' me over the coals!

Arnold:
Well why should I be the only one around here with a barbecued ass?

Ed:
Why don't you ask Arnold? I'm sure he has lots to say on the subject.

Alan:
He says you're a boring, self-centered, insensitive old fool who wouldn't know love if it wore wings, diaper, and shot heart-shaped arrows at your butt.

Laurel:
Just because I said that's what I wanted doesn't mean that's what I wanted. I mean, it may be what I wanted, but that doesn't mean I'm necessarily ready for it.

Ma:
Friend-friend, or euphemism-friend?

David:
He used to be a euphemism, now he's just a friend.

Ed:
Did anyone every tell you you have a really sexy voice? Is that natural or do you have a cold?

Arnold:
At 13 I knew everything. Senility set in sometime after that.

Ed:
Whoops.

Arnold:
Whoops? Ed, did you say "whoops"? No, Ed. "Whoops" is when you fall down an elevator shaft. "Whoops" is when you skinny-dip in a school of piranha. "Whoops" is when you accidentally douche with Drano! No, Ed. This was no "whoops." This was an AAAAAAAAAAAAAHA-HA-HA-HA!

Ma:
You want meaningful conversation? Do what I do, talk to yourself. It's the only way.

Ed:
'Casual'? We've known each other for nine years!

Arnold:
Seven of which you spent with another woman.

Bertha Vanation:
You have a high voice for a lesbian!

Bertha Vanation:
Did your mother have any children that lived?

Bertha Vanation:
Just wait until you see my act: Bertha Vanation and her Dance of the Virgin.

Murray:
Which she does COMPLETELY from memory.

Bertha Vanation:
B*tch!

Ed:
I can't believe you're STILL mad.

Arnold:
I ain't STILL mad... this here is BRAND NEW!

Arnold:
Do you EVER think before you speak?

Alan:
No. Why? Do you?

Arnold:
Frequently. It helps to pass the time while you're speaking.

Ed:
You know, I'm not sure the sex we had was always as good for me as it was for you. Sometimes it was a little wild, out of control.

Arnold:
And that's... bad?

Ed:
It's not what I want.

Arnold:
Funny. It's what I pray for.

Arnold:
What am I gonna do... with the beer can?

Arnold:
Isn't that a kick in the rubber parts?

Alan:
I have a question.

Arnold:
The answer is yes.

Alan:
You don't even know what I was going to ask.

Arnold:
Whatever it is, the answer is yes. I'm too tired to argue.

Alan:
...Good. Because I love you, too.

Bertha Vanation:
I swear, that queen gives me gas!

Arnold:
What do you want to do, Ma?

Ma:
(crying) I wanna die! Until then, we go to Florida.