Torvill & Dean's Dancing on Ice

Commentator:
Karl is the only celebrity wearing his own shirt tonight.

Herself - Host:
To wax or not to wax - that is the question for Karl.

Himself - Host:
A lot of your Parliamentary colleagues must be out there watching. Do you think so or not?

Jackie Kelly:
Definitely. I think a lot of them were hoping I'd fall.

Himself - Host:
[chuckles] Well you did a great job, it was very, very good, but I'm going to ask the question, I mean there's been a lot of media surrounding this lately. Who do you think's skating on thin ice - Costello or Howard?

Jackie Kelly:
Well, I have actually come down a dress size, I have raised over $20,000 for the Mamre project and I've learned a skill in terms of being able to skate with my kids.

Himself - Host:
Nice evasion too. That was excellent. [chuckles] So do you think...?

Jackie Kelly:
Politician's answer?

Himself - Host:
That was an excellent politician's answer.

Jason Gardiner:
[Delivering his verdict on the performance by Jackie Kelly and Pavel Aubrecht] That piece was called Hot Honey Rag, and your rendition was like Wet Sloppy Bag.

Andrew Voss:
[after Dermott Brereton and Pam O'Connor have danced to the song "Rhinestone Cowboy"] Can someone remind Dermott that the cowboy from the Village People wants his shirt back.

Andrew Voss:
[Commenting on Karl Stefanovic's shirt] If I was looking to get out of jury duty, that's the shirt I would wear to the courthouse.

Jason Gardiner:
[Delivering his verdict on the performance by Karl Stefanovic and Linda Aubrecht] I hope you stay in the competition, if only for the comedy value.

Andrew Voss:
The sultry and sensual Karl Stefanovic. There's two words I didn't think I'd have to use to describe Karl, but watching him skate these days has become a bit like watching the Discovery Channel - you get to see some interesting stuff you didn't know existed.

Dermott Brereton:
We needed the lunge tonight, but I'm kind of glad with my manhood that I can't get down that low.

Andrew Voss:
[Commenting on Jackie Kelly after her performance] I Will Survive the song, she's looking to survive past tonight, but she had the look of a lady trying to get some legislation through Parliament at about 2 in the morning - she meant business.

Andrew Voss:
[after Jules Lund attempts a "stiff lizard" slide at the end of his routine and crashes into the doors] Hey, who shut the doors?

Andrew Voss:
[Talking about Jules Lund] The giraffe on ice tonight in an outfit that is one of a kind, but then again do you really believe there'd be two of them with outfits like that?

Jules Lund:
I'm just really glad I didn't injure myself because I don't want to be taken to the emergency ward wearing this.

Jamie Durie:
My jaws are hurting from laughing. The stiff lizard, talk me through that, champion.

Jules Lund:
It was either that or frozen peas. [chuckles] I'm standing behind Kristina for that very reason. [chuckles] I was going to put some socks in there and I thought the girls would run towards me, and then I realised they were running away, and then Karl told me they had moved around to the back.

Jayne Torvill:
[Talking about Jules Lund] He's got this nickname of the giraffe, the skating giraffe. They've even started making toys for you - [presents Jules with a toy giraffe] a giraffe with skates on.

Jamie Durie:
There you go mate, you've got your reward.

Jayne Torvill:
A lucky mascot.

Jamie Durie:
Isn't that beautiful?

Jules Lund:
I'm not sure if I should be happy or sad.

Sami Lukis:
So Jason, how should the armlines be done? Can you give us an example?

Jason Gardiner:
Well, I can't give an example obviously because I'm sat here, but there were some lines that you were doing that were not complimentary to your legs.

Jackie Kelly:
You have no powess, Jason.

Jason Gardiner:
I have no what?

Jackie Kelly:
Powess [giggles] Again it's Ray Hadley coming in there, but I'm taking the word Australia-wide now. Saturday morning, Sydney radio 2GB.

Jason Gardiner:
Yes, I've got better things to do.

Jake Wall:
[commenting on a spin that was part of his performance with Lara Bingle] We were going to rename that spin the Vincent Van Gogh because she almost took my ear off.

Jason Gardiner:
[Delivering his verdict on the performance by Michael Slater and Anya D'Jamirze] I've found a blocked toilet more moving than your performance.

Michael Slater:
Actually, the toilet in our dressing room is blocked.

Jason Gardiner:
Well, I'll look in to that later.

Andrew Voss:
[Referring to the chair that Lara Bingle and Matt Evers used as the required prop in their performance, which Lara had named during their rehearsals] Charlie's OK. No chairs were harmed in that performance.

Sami Lukis:
A guy in the audience has a sign "Lara Bingle, you make me tingle."

Jason Gardiner:
[Delivering his verdict on the performance by Kark Stefanovic and Linda Aubrecht] I want to see more of the tiger in you.

Karl Stefanovic:
You're making me scared, Jason.

Jason Gardiner:
I want you to make me scared.

Jamie Durie:
You've got your best score.

Jules Lund:
20.5. Please sir, may I have some more?

Andrew Voss:
[Commenting on the pink shirt worn by Karl Stefanovic in his first performance] I've heard of the Pink Panther, but not the pink tiger.

Christopher Dean:
[comparing the Australian and British versions of Dancing On Ice] If there was an Ashes On Ice, it would probably go to Australia.

Commentator:
[after Jules Lund and Kristina Cousins perform to the song "Luck Be A Lady Tonight"] Jules Lund from Getaway. The giraffe on ice does it again, and he's got that very special belt buckle on tonight that says LUCK. I can also tell you that the pants he's wearing, they're packed with a black box flight recorder in case he crashes.