Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn

Jerry Seinfeld:
What's the deal with parking at the Special Olympics? Is it just the two spaces?

Nick DiPaolo:
The only advice I ever got from my dad is this: sex is like pizza, even when it's bad you still gotta pay for it.

Jim Norton:
If you put someone in the electric chair and they say 'Where are we going?' that's too retarded.

Nick DiPaolo:
I don't think doodie comes out of her [Brittany Spears'] butt. I think it's more like strawberry yogurt.

Jim Norton:
I think the Statue of Liberty could advertise douche products: "Just because your standing in water all day doesn't mean you have to smell like fish."

Jim Norton:
It's nobody's business what two grown men do in the privacy of their own rectory.

Nick DiPaolo:
I was born gay, but 8 months of breast feeding wiped that right out. I'm just glad my Dad wasn't walking around naked when I was teething.

Greg Giraldo:
[When discussing a Florida woman denied a drivers license for refusing to remove her Burka and head covering] You know, I think they should give her the license, but then, it should only be good for flying carpets.

Greg Giraldo:
The internet's a creepy thing, especially if you have kids. It says something very creepy about the fact that I use the same machine to masturbate with as I use to teach my kid the alphabet.

Jim Norton:
You masturbate with a Speak 'n Spell?

[discussing a tax on cigarettes and alcohol]

Panelist:
I don't have a problem with it, because I don't drink or smoke, so it doesn't affect me.

Dave Attell:
Well then you're boring. They should put a tax on that.

[discussing the "What Would Jesus Drive?" commercials]

Jim Norton:
Well, I don't know what type of car he'd drive, but I do know that he'd drive an automatic because I'd imagine it's really hard to change gears when you've got holes in your hands.

[Ralphie May, who is very obese, hugs Jim]

Jim Norton:
Man, I haven't liked you since you froze Han Solo.

[Slogans for the war in Iraq to be printed on t-shirts]

Nick DiPaolo:
Roses are red, violets are blue, lets hang Saddam by his nuts, and the French bastard too.

[Slogans for the war in Iraq to be printed on t-shirts]

Jim Norton:
I think on the front of the t-shirt their should be a picture of two hot chicks performing oral sex on me. And on the back, two different chicks performing oral sex on me. This won't solve anything, but the photoshoot would make me forget the war.

Host:
[the show's final words] This is the end, you know? It's like the Friends finale where they're all together in that apartment. No more Joey and his dumb remarks. I never really watched Friends until the finale, I don't know why...

Nick DiPaolo:
Jessica baby you should be with me because I know how to treat a lady especially a retarded one... you screw her then give her a big red balloon

Rich Vos:
Just think of food and let's move on.

Patrice O'Neal:
He used that as a joke two days ago!

Host:
[to Keith Robinson] Sorry about the Williams sisters losing to the white girls!