Trouble in Paradise

Gaston Monescu:
It must be the most marvelous supper. We may not eat it, but it must be marvelous.

Lily Vautier:
You know, when I first saw you, I thought you were an American.

Gaston Monescu:
Thank you.

Lily Vautier:
Someone from another world, so entirely different. Oh, one gets so tired of one's own class--princes and counts and dukes and kings! Everybody talking shop. Always trying to sell you jewelry. Then I heard your name and found out you were just one of us.

Gaston Monescu:
Disappointed?

Lily Vautier:
No, proud. Very proud.

Lily Vautier:
I have a confession to make to you: Baron, you are a crook. You robbed the gentleman in 253, 5, 7 and 9. May I have the salt?

Gaston Monescu:
Please!

Lily Vautier:
Thank you.

Gaston Monescu:
The pepper too?

Lily Vautier:
Oh, no, thank you.

Gaston Monescu:
You're very welcome. Countess, believe me, before you left this room, I would have told you everything. And let me say this, with love in my heart: Countess, you are a thief. The wallet of the gentleman in 253, 5, 7 and 9 is in your possession. I knew it very well when you took it out of my pocket. In fact, you tickled me. But your embrace was so sweet.

Gaston Monescu:
Do you remember the man who walked into the Bank of Constantinople, and walked out with the Bank of Constantinople?

Gaston Monescu:
I love you. I loved you the minute I saw you. I'm mad about you, my little shoplifter... my sweet little pickpocket... my darling.

Mariette Colet:
No, no, Francois, I tell you, no. You see, Francois, marriage is a beautiful mistake which two people make together. But with you, Francois, I think it would be a mistake.

Gaston Monescu:
Madame Colet, if I were your father, which fortunately I am not, and you made any attempt to handle your own business affairs, I would give you a good spanking--in a business way, of course.

Mariette Colet:
What would you do if you were my secretary?

Gaston Monescu:
The same thing.

Mariette Colet:
You're hired.

Lily Vautier:
You see, mother is dead.

Mariette Colet:
Yes, that's the trouble with mothers. First you get to like them, and then they die.

Gaston Monescu:
Well, what did she want?

Lily Vautier:
You. And she's willing to pay as high as 50 francs.

Lily Vautier:
Darling, remember, you are Gaston Monescu. You are a crook. I want you as a crook. I love you as a crook. I worship you as a crook. Steal, swindle, rob. Oh, but don't become one of those useless, good-for-nothing gigolos.

Lily Vautier:
Well, I'll leave you alone with that lady. But if you behave like a gentleman, I'll break your neck.

Mariette Colet:
I have a confession to make to you: You like me. In fact, you're crazy about me.

François Filiba:
Tonsils! Positively tonsils!

Gaston Monescu:
I see. You have to be in the Social Register to keep out of jail. But when a man starts at the bottom and works his way up, a self-made crook, then you say, "Call the police! Put him behind bars! Lock him up!"

Gaston Monescu:
I came here to rob you, but unfortunately I fell in love with you.

Gaston Monescu:
It could have been marvelous.

Mariette Colet:
Divine.

Gaston Monescu:
Wonderful... But tomorrow morning, if you should wake out of your dreams and hear a knock, and the door opens, and there, instead of a maid with a breakfast tray, stands a policeman with a warrant, then you'll be glad you are alone.

Waiter:
Yes, Baron. What should we start with, Baron? Hmm?

Gaston:
Oh yes. That's not so easy. Beginnings are always difficult.

Waiter:
Yes, Baron.

Gaston:
If Casanova suddenly turned out to be Romeo having supper with Juliet, who might become Cleopatra, how would you start?

Waiter:
I would start with cocktails.

Filiba:
He said, 'Good evening. I'm the doctor.' I said, 'Doctor?' He said, 'Yes, the doctor. I've come to see about your tonsils....

Hotel Manager:
The representative of police would like to know if there is anything wrong with your tonsils, Monsieur Filiba?

Filiba:
No...That's what I tried to tell him. Well, one word led to another. He was really a very charming fellow. We talked for about ten minutes...

Hotel Manager:
What did you talk about, Monsieur Filiba?

Filiba:
About tonsils.

Hotel Manager:
Tonsille!

The Chorus of Police:
Tonsille!

Filiba:
So then I said to myself, all right, if he wants to look at them, let him look at them. There's no harm in that. Then he said, 'Say 'AH!' And so I said, 'Ah!' And that's all I remember. When I woke up, I still had my tonsils, but my pocketbook was gone.

Lily:
I like you, Baron.

Gaston:
I'm crazy about you. By the way, your pin. [He returns her brooch pin - after appraising it.]

Lily:
[after suddenly noticing she's missing it] Thank you, Baron.

Gaston:
Not at all. There's one very good stone in it.

Lily:
What time is it? [She allows him to search for his pocket watch before looking startled. She hands it to him from her purse - after resetting it.] It was five minutes slow but I regulated it for you. [He pockets the watch with a smile.]

Gaston:
I hope you don't mind if I keep your garter. [She checks her leg, under the table, and then Gaston holds the garter up high and kisses it to prove his expertise.]

Lily:
Darling! [excitedly, she rises and kisses him, flinging herself into his arms] Oh now, darling. Tell me, tell me all about yourself. Who are you?

Gaston:
You remember the man who walked into the Bank of Constantinople, and walked out with the Bank of Constantinople?

Lily:
Monescu.

Gaston:
Gaston Monescu.

Lily:
Gaston!

[they begin passionately kissing]

Gaston:
I love you. I loved you the moment I saw you. I'm mad about you. My little shoplifter. My sweet little pickpocket. My darling.

Gaston:
A lady as charming as you would and should get love letters.

Mme. Colet:
Monsieur LaValle.

Gaston:
But one suggestion. Not the Major. I don't mind his grammatical mistakes. I will overlook his bad punctuation. But the letter has no mystery. No bouquet. And one lipstick.

Gaston:
It embarrasses you to offer me the 20,000 francs reward.

Mme. Colet:
Yes.

Gaston:
Don't be embarrassed. I'll take it. I need the money. I wish I were in a position to ignore the whole matter, but you know Madame, the stock market, a bank crash. To make a long story short, a member of the nouveaux poor.

Mme. Colet:
Well, I'm glad I lost the bag. I'll write you a check immediately.

Gaston:
You're talking like a child. You know exactly what we're here for and what it's all about.

Lily:
This woman has more than jewelry.

Gaston:
Oh!

Lily:
Did you ever take a good look at her, uhm.

Gaston:
Certainly.

Lily:
They're all right, aren't they?

Gaston:
Beautiful. What of it? Let me tell you something. As far as I'm concerned, her whole sex appeal is in that safe.

Lily:
Oh, Gaston. Let's open it right now. Let's get away from here. I don't like this place.

Gaston:
No, no, sweetheart. There's more sex appeal coming on the first of the month. It's only ten days - 850,000 francs.

Lily:
Darling, remember. You are Gaston Monescu. You are a crook. I want you as a crook. I love you as a crook. I worship you as a crook. Steal, swindle, rob. Oh, but don't become one of those useless, good-for-nothing gigolos.

Jacques:
The car is waiting, Madame.

Mme. Colet:
I won't need the car. I'm not going.

Gaston/LaValle:
Jacques...Madame has changed her mind. She'll be down in a minute...

Mme. Colet:
But I told you I don't want to go.

Gaston/LaValle:
But you have an engagement, and I don't want people to talk.

Mme. Colet:
Talk, about me? About us?

Gaston/LaValle:
Precisely.

Mme. Colet:
Afraid I'm ruining your reputation, Monsieur LaValle?

Gaston/LaValle:
No, yours Madame.

Mme. Colet:
Monsieur LaValle, I have a confession to make to you. You like me. In fact, you're crazy about me. Otherwise, you wouldn't think about my reputation. Isn't that so? But incidently, I don't like you. I don't like you at all! And I wouldn't hesitate one instant to ruin your reputation - [She snaps her fingers] - like that!

Gaston/LaValle:
You wouldn't?

Mme. Colet:
No, I wouldn't!

Gaston/LaValle:
[snapping his fingers] Like that?

Mme. Colet:
[snapping her fingers again] Like that!

Gaston/LaValle:
I know all your tricks.

Mme. Colet:
And you're going to fall for them.

Gaston/LaValle:
So you think you can get me?

Mme. Colet:
Any minute I want.

Gaston/LaValle:
You're conceited.

Mme. Colet:
But attractive.

Gaston/LaValle:
Now let me tell you...

Mme. Colet:
Shut up - kiss me! [They kiss] Wasting all this marvelous time with arguments...[They kiss again)]

Gaston/LaValle:
Jacques, dismiss the car, Madame is not going.

Jacques:
Yes, Monsieur LaValle.

Mme. Colet:
Jacques...don't dismiss the car. I'll be down in a few minutes...

Gaston/LaValle:
I want you to stay, Mariette. You've got to stay. You can't go now.

Mme. Colet:
I must go.

Gaston/LaValle:
I'm crazy about you.

Mme. Colet:
I know it.

Gaston/LaValle:
I love you.

Mme. Colet:
I believe you.

Gaston/LaValle:
Then why do you want to go?

Mme. Colet:
Because I want to make it tough for you.

Major:
No doubt about it. It's that secretary.

Filiba:
Funny the kind of men women fall for.

Major:
No color, no sparkle, but dependable.

Filiba:
The type they marry.

Major:
You know, I'm not the marrying type. I like to take my fun and leave it....

Filiba:
You know, he's really not such a bad fellow.

Major:
No, just dull.

Filiba:
Insignificant. He's a secretary. He always was a secretary, always will be.

Major:
That's funny, heh, heh. The first time I saw him, I thought he was a doctor.

[Filiba suddenly remembers]

Filiba:
[to Mme. Colet] Tonsils! Positively tonsils!

Gaston Monescu:
Everything will be all right again. Prosperity is just around the corner.