Tucker and Dale vs. Evil

Tucker:
[whiping blood out of his eyes] Are you okay?

Tucker:
He's heavy for half a guy.

Dale:
That's a PBR Buddy.

Tucker:
That, that's a thing of beauty.

Tucker:
[Unsure of what to say to the sheriff] Oh hidy ho officer, we've had a doozy of a day. There we were minding our own business, just doing chores around the house, when kids started killing themselves all over my property.

Jason:
You shouldn't be smoking anyway, Chloe, it's not good for you.

Chloe:
Yeah, well, f***ing dying isn't good for you either but that doesn't seem to be stopping anybody!

Dale:
You thought I looked like some kind of freak?

Allison:
We misjudged you Dale. I'm... I'm really sorry.

Dale:
Don't be sorry, it's my fault. I should have known if a guy like me talked to a girl like you, somebody would end up dead.

Tucker:
When you see a college girl prancin' around in front of you half naked, you do not call out my name!

Tucker:
All right... I know what this is.

Dale:
What?

Tucker:
This is a suicide pact.

Dale:
It's a what?

Tucker:
These kids are coming out here, and killing themselves all over the woods.

Dale:
My God, that makes so much sense.

Tucker:
Holy sh*t. We have go to hide all of the sharp objects!

Dale:
[the sheriff is stumbling around with a nail board through his skull] How is he even walking right now, Tuck?

Tucker:
He looks like he's gonna walk it off, he's gonna be fine!

Dale:
[after a spear lands between his legs] I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad I'm not hung like a bear.

Dale:
[Allison is terrified of him when he first comes into her room] Uh-oh-oh, it's the pancakes! You don't like pancakes, I will get you sumpin' else!

Tucker:
[hands him a nail gun] Cover me.

Dale:
I ain't never shot at nobody before.

Tucker:
If it helps, think of 'em like moving two-by-fours.

Dale:
Do some of your friends take medication?

Allison:
Why?

Dale:
Because I think they forgot to take it.

Dale:
You want a killer hillbilly? I'll show you a killer hillbilly.

Allison:
What was that?

Dale:
Anthemis nobilis

Allison:
Huh?

Dale:
It's the ingredient in camomile tea that causes allergic reactions in rare cases... like I said, I remember weird stuff.

Allison:
Wait, wait! Everyone just stop for a second and let's talk this out, okay? Nobody wants to hurt anyone.

Tucker:
[as he favors the hand with the fingers that Chad cut off] You could've fooled me!

Chad:
F*** off, hillbilly!

Tucker:
Eat sh*t, body perm!

Allison:
Wait! Wait! How 'bout I make some tea and we all sit and talk this out.

Tucker:
S-s-sounds like a good idea. I'll provide the finger sandwiches!

Dale:
[after seeing Tucker's fingers wrapped in his shirt] Oh my God, they cut off his bowling fingers!

Tucker:
[Dale is attracted to one of the college co-eds at the gas station, but hesitates to try to go talk to her] She's just human. Why don't you go over and talk to her?

Dale:
Talk to her? What... What in the world would I say?

Tucker:
I don't know... Tell her that you got a vacation home. That'll probably impress her.

Dale:
Are you out of your mind, Tucker? They're college girls, and they grew up with vacation homes and guys like me fixing their toilets!

Tucker:
You've gotta' have some faith in yourself, man. Girls can *smell* fear. Now, come on! You are a good lookin' man... more or less. You got a damned good heart. I mean, that's two things right there. Now go on, get over there! What... what's the worst that could happen?

Sheriff:
[Talking to Tucker and Dale, after he's pulled them over] Where are you two headed?

Tucker:
We're headed to our vacation home up by Morris Lake. I sank every penny I had into it... me and Dale here, we're gonna' go fix her up, then do a little fishin'. He's been strikin' out by the ladies, I figure a little *man* time might do him some good.

Sheriff:
[Gives them a hard look] There ain't nothin' up there but pain and suffering on a scale you can't even imagine.

Chad:
[Comes up to Tucker, who is hanging upside down] I've never stood so close to pure evil before.

Chad:
[Sniffs close to Tucker's face] It kinda' stinks.

Tucker:
It said it was 24-hour protection!

Chad:
It's time for you to feel *my* pain!

Dale:
I'm ready, frat b*tch!

Allison:
It's true, Chad. You're half hillbilly.

Chad:
There is no truth! Everything is a lie!

Tucker:
What am I supposed to say, Dale? "Oh hidy ho officer! We've had a doozy of a day. There we were minding our own business, just doing chores around the house when kids started killing themselves all over my property."

Dale:
Yeah, yeah, just like that.

Tucker:
They're never gonna believe that.

Dale:
But that's exactly what happened!

Allison:
I have this stupid dream...

Dale:
Dreams are not stupid.