Two Weeks

Anita Bergman:
Well, when I asked him how I was going to die, he said my intestines were going to clog up and I would puke myself to death. Which turns out to be true, but I figure for $275 a visit I deserved a little bit better bedside manner than that.

Keith Bergman:
You forgot to tell them how to wipe their asses. Is it front to back or back to front?

Keith Bergman:
That's what love is all about... blood, IVs, and puking.

Barry Bergman:
[on the phone] Look, the honest to God truth, I'm down here because my mother is dying. I want you to do this for her... Yeah, it's like her last wish, something she never had... Yeah, she really wants high-speed Internet access... No good she'll be dead by then. Is there some rush fee I can pay?

Anita Bergman:
...and then I started to cry and my nose was running because you were the ugliest baby I'd ever seen... so ugly.

Keith Bergman:
Yeah, but I... I got better looking right?

Anita Bergman:
...

Barry Bergman:
How's it coming?

Emily Bergman:
Well, I got pretty good when I skipped school but it's been a while.

Barry Bergman:
Forgery's like riding a bicycle, you never forget how... I've heard.

Matthew Bergman:
What do I get to do?

Keith Bergman:
You're driving the get-away car.

Keith Bergman:
If you hear gunfire, make sure the engine's running, doors are unlocked.

Keith Bergman:
Well, the confessing thing worked out for you, but next time just rat out Barry, he's already got a record.

Barry Bergman:
Blow me.

Keith Bergman:
Left your cell phone.

Barry Bergman:
Yep

Keith Bergman:
Don't you think we should bring it?

Barry Bergman:
Nope, you want to find out your mother died in the cereal aisle of Sir Buy-a-Lot?

Keith Bergman:
Nope.

Keith Bergman:
My mom brought me up that there was a solution to every problem. So tell me... [leans into intercom mic] who do I have to f***, to get the Sir Buy a Lot discount on my orange juice?

[in the parking lot]

Barry Bergman:
I've never been thrown out of a grocery store.

Keith Bergman:
Hi, I'm meeting my mother and I didn't see her come off the plane.

Customer Service Rep:
Sir, this is the luggage office.

Keith Bergman:
Right, she's about this big [holds hands about a foot apart] coming on the 245 from Charlotte and she's probably addressed to me, that's Keith Bergman.