Ultimate Spider-Man

Nick Fury:
Coulson, you have any idea where our teenage, heroes-in-training are?

Agent Phil Coulson:
Sir, I'm in the middle of a crisis. This school's budget is a mess! I'm trimming the fat. No more doors on boy's bathroom stalls, rougher toilet paper - Hey, maybe SHIELD can donate...

Nick Fury:
[Hangs up on him] Good Godfry, Coulson's gone native.

Agent Phil Coulson:
Director Fury, I need the full power of SHIELD's legal team stat! We need to limit how much actual meat you need to legally call something "meatloaf". We can save the budget, man!

Nick Fury:
Coulson, we need to talk priorities.

Agent Phil Coulson:
You can settle it in detention.

Peter Parker:
Detention! Principle Coulson, I've never had detention before in my life! Aww, my aunt is gonna kill me. Then she's going to bring me back as a zombie and kill me again!

Deadpool:
Dang skippy. Where are my manners? Introductions. Call me Deadpool. It rhymes with "no school," "too cool,"ain't no fool," and "I'm the best at what I do - ool."

Deadpool:
Well, moving on. I'm on a mission to finding the secret HQ of Taskmaster. The big boss for these cheese clowns. And nothin', but nothin', better get in my way.

Mini-Deadpool:
What, like the dozen swords in your back?

Deadpool:
[laughs] I don't have swords in my...

Mini-Deadpool:
Yuck. Gonna go hurl now.

Deadpool:
Huh, that's gonna leave a mark. Oh, wait. No it isn't. I have a healing factor. Yay me! 'Scuse me while I pull these pot stickers out of my spleen and knock some heads. Deadpool, out.

Deadpool:
Ugh, anybody smell barbecue bug?

Spider-Man:
It's been kind of a rough day.

Deadpool:
Extremely ripe! Yeesh. Here. Strong enough for man, but made for a spider.

Deadpool:
Ah, you're comedy gold my friend. Or as comedy oatmeal. As for me, you already know, I'm Deadpool. Superhero supreme with a side of bam. Nice to see you kept my color scheme when you copied my suit. Am I, like, your idol?

Spider-Man:
I never heard of you. I designed this costume myself.

Deadpool:
Sure. Black and white eyes. Red suit. Though you made it your own with the crossword theme. Oh, wait. Webs! Those are webs. No pouches though. You need pouches.

Deadpool:
Word is that Fury left his S.H.I.E.L.D. tablet in a hotel bathroom. So you can see why he'd want to be discreet. Now, see I agreed to help even though Fury and me don't always see eye to eye. Now, do you get that? Eye to eye? Eye to eye! Hm, get it?

Spider-Man:
Yeah, I do eye jokes too.

Spider-Man:
You've got to be kidding me. You have your own private jet?

Deadpool:
Yep. It was a present from one Tony Stark.

Spider-Man:
He never gave me a jet. Seriously, from one super dude to another, what's your secret?

Deadpool:
Origin story time!

Deadpool:
Oh, shiny. What is that?

Spider-Man:
You see my spidey-sense? It's this thing in my brain that warns me of danger.

Deadpool:
I'll give you a thousand bucks for your brain.

Spider-Man:
I'm starting to re-think this little field trip. Just tell me what your plan is.

Deadpool:
We go into that compound, find Agent MacGuffin, snag the list, then un-alive Taskmaster and his acolytes, capiche?

Spider-Man:
Wait, un-alive them?

Deadpool:
Yeah, yeah here's the thing, I can't really say the k-word out loud. It's a weird mental tick. But we're gonna destroy them, make them disappear, sleep them with the fishes. We'll k-word them.

Spider-Man:
K-word? You mean you want to kill them?

Deadpool:
Whoa, yeah, that does sound bad when you say it out loud. And yes, we're going to un-alive them.

Spider-Man:
We can't un-alive them. We can't un-alive anyone. Deadpool!

Taskmaster:
Spider-Man. Nice of you to finally visit my school. Unfortunately I'm no longer accepting applicants.

Spider-Man:
We've come for the list of S.H.I.E.L.D. agents, Taskmaster. And for Agent MacGuffin.

Taskmaster:
We who?

Spider-Man:
Me and Dead... Deadpool!

Taskmaster:
Deadpool is here? What?

Deadpool:
Boogity-boo! Did you miss me?

Taskmaster:
You. You're out of your mind to come here. I will destroy you.

Deadpool:
Wait, let me guess. You're Aaron Applebaum. Aaron Astin. Aaron Atwater!

Spider-Man:
Are you just going to keep yelling names from A to Z until you guess?

Deadpool:
No. Barry Barrington!

Spider-Man:
You're not well.

Deadpool:
I know.

Taskmaster:
Oh, Spider-Man. If you'd studied with me instead of Fury you might not be so naive. Who do think I stole the identity list from in the fist place?

Spider-Man:
Agent MacGuffin?

Deadpool:
Heh. Confession time. Yeah, it was me.

Spider-Man:
You?

Deadpool:
And there is no Agent MacGuffin. And also I stole the list from S.H.I.E.L.D., but Taskmaster swiped it from me when I left my pouches in the potty.

Spider-Man:
What?

Deadpool:
Dude, couldn't help it. I had Indian food. My legs went numb I was in there so long.

Deadpool:
No, piranhas! They're so bitey. Oh that's so much funnier when it happens to someone else.

Spider-Man:
Booby traps.

Deadpool:
You said, "traps."

Deadpool:
They should call you "elevator operator" 'cause you're bringing me down. Or "tonsils" 'cause you're a pain in the neck. Ba-boosh!

Spider-Man:
Lame. Next you'll be telling me to "go soak my head."

Deadpool:
Ah, what a swellegant idea. But it'll look a lot funnier in my imagination.

Spider-Man:
What?

Deadpool:
Spider-Man, go soak your head.

Deadpool:
Have I told you my origin story?

Spider-Man:
Like a billion times, now. How about telling me the truth?

Deadpool:
You can't handle the truth.

Spider-Man:
Really?

Flash Thompson:
[grabs Peter] Here! Eat the nerd!

Venom:
Nerd!

Iron Fist:
I can hear its thoughts. They're, uh... They're... They're confused. Spider-Man, it... It wants you?

Spider-Man:
Little problem. I'm sort of planning being me for the rest of my life.

Spider-Man:
[to Venom] How about we compromise? I get my body on weekends and weekdays, you get it when I have to mow the lawn.

Harry Osborn:
I can't hold on!

[Harry slips, Mary Jane grabs him]

Harry Osborn:
I think you just pulled out my only chest hair.

Mary Jane Watson:
Sorry!