United States of Tara

Marshall Gregson:
[Looking at the camcorder's viewfinder that shows a zoom-in on Neil's exposed ass-crack above his trousers' waistline] That's not an ass-crack, it's a full-blown *ass-chasm*.

Tara:
[as Alice] What is it?

Kate:
Just having a weird day.

Tara:
Well, snap yourself out of it. We're here to have a nice dinner.

Kate:
I don't wanna have a nice dinner.

Tara:
Kate, I know you aren't fond of me, but I'm concerned about your development as a young woman, just like your mother. You're promiscuous. You aren't guarding your flower.

Kate:
What do you want, Alice?

Tara:
I want to let you know that even though I deeply disapprove of the way you carry yourself, your mother love you very much.

Kate:
[scoffs] Yeah?

Tara:
Yes. She wants you to know she didn't mean to over react about those pills you brought home. She just doesn't want you being "intimate" at your age. Because she had you at 19 and that was quite a hardship.

Kate:
I'm not a hardship. I'm awesome.

Tara:
Your a graceless ingrate, ha.

Kate:
You mean a slut? A girl who likes boys, who lets boys know she likes them? A girl who orgasm's, who moans and moans and screams in ecstasy? A girl who sucks and f***s, a girl with absolutely no back-door shyness?

Tara:
That's it! I'm going to wash your mouth out with soap.

Kate:
Ha ha! You've got to be kidding me.

Tara:
[shoves liquid soap into Kate's face] Try me!

Courtney:
Why can't you come clean with me?

Marshall Gregson:
Just because I don't share every single thought in my head about you does not mean that I'm a liar! You want to know the truth? Here it is. This was never a real relationship! You are so f***ed up in your head that you just don't get it! You're so afraid of finding out who you really are. You'd rather be married to someone you KNOW is gay than risk being rejected by someone who could actually love you!

Tara Gregson:
[as Alice] Young man, that's no way to speak to a lady.

Marshall Gregson:
How could I love you, Courtney? I'm embarrassed for you! But I didn't say anything, because I didn't want to hurt your feelings. Because I am a decent human being. Because I've learned in my life that as much as I want to tell my sister that she's not as clever or special as she thinks she is or tell my aunt that she's a pathological narcissist or tell my dad to wake up because my mother's D.I.D. disease is just going to bury us all. It's better to keep my goddamn mouth shut!

[Tara suddenly drops the tray of tea and begins shrieking as Gimmy emerges and begins breaking things around the living room]

Max Gregson:
Oh nice going, Marshall! I hope you like your new foster family!

Dr. Hattarras:
[handing over a stack of papers]... in the mean time give her this.

Max Gregson:
[taking the papers] What's this?

Dr. Hattarras:
Her *Declaration of Co-Dependence*

Tara Gregor:
[as Alice:Noticing the freeze frame of her son's dead body in the short film on the TV] Oh My goodness. What's that on the TV?

Noah Kane:
Doesn't have a title yet. Right now we're calling it *Human Remains of the Day*

Bunny:
Passengers are vermin. If someone has a pulse and a lump of coal in place of a soul, they will be on your flight. We need to prepare.

Charmaine Craine:
I finally had my aha moment.

Max Gregson:
Meaning?

Charmaine Craine:
Well, I had a realization that I'm kinda glad you outed me. I mean, you're only as sick as your secrets. I'm sick of being sick.

Max Gregson:
New therapist?

Charmaine Craine:
No. New issue. O Magazine.

Marshall Gregson:
People don't know I'm gay unless I'm blowing them.

Charmaine Craine:
Oh my God! I just saw Tara. She's so smiley. Is one of her alters a clown?

Lionel:
What did you guys do together anyway? It?

Marshall Gregson:
Just kiss and a... little dry humping.

Lionel:
Must've been tough to stay dry.

Tara Gregson:
[to Charmaine about their father on her wedding day] You're going to let a man who basically gave you away, give you away?

Tara Gregson:
Mom's going to do that thing where she holds up her arms open like she's a warm person.

Charmaine Craine:
Max, could you do me a favor and hot-glue gun her lips together?

Lionel:
A person who stands for nothing, spends their life sitting down.

Marshall Gregson:
Just so you know, I'm tired. I need to sit down sometimes.

Marshall Gregson:
My mom went on a trip to meet her molester; and I didn't even get a lousy t-shirt.

Frank:
[to Tara about her and her half-brother] He wasn't well. You aren't well. Must be my sperm. Oh, 2 out of 3, who knows.

Lionel:
I just think Obama left the gay community astray.

Neil:
[to Charmaine] Put on your yoga pants and let's down-dog it to the Cat Five and get shitty.

Lionel:
Deep down inside, you believe marriage is for pussies and d*cks.

Zach:
I would have to say yes.

Tara Gregson:
He told me we have a brother.

Charmaine Craine:
A brother? Come on.

Tara Gregson:
Yes. He said it in a totally disjointed, early Alzheimer's dad-like way, but he said you and your sister have a half-brother and I was married before I met your mom.

Charmaine Craine:
Well, let's see. Dad thinks Bob Hope is still alive.

Charmaine Craine:
[having found out that she has a half-brother] Is he alive? Where does he live? I date a lot of guys in this state.

Kate Gregson:
Ew, gay boys in love.

Lionel:
Ew, straight people in love.

Max:
Is Mom here?

Marshall:
Yeah. I mean Mom's here... but, I'm just not sure of Mom's "here".

Kate:
Nice whale-tale.

Tara:
[as 'T'] Quit hating. You wish you had all this.

Tara:
[as 'T'] Dude, I have been digging around in your closet for an hour and I can't f***in' get to Narnia.

Tara:
We're fully laminated.

Kate:
This is why I love you the best of all the alters!

Tara:
Drugs not hugs.

Tara:
I love that gloss on you, makes you look porno.

Tara:
Am I high?

Marshall:
Maybe a little bit.

Tara:
Pudding is good... ing.

Tara:
I hate you for not f***ing me!

Tara:
Listen, I want to thank you for being such a strong, supportive kid. I'm lucky.

Marshall:
We're lucky, Mom. Because of you, we get to be interesting.

Tara:
Do you like being interesting?

Marshall:
I love it!

Tara:
Kate! I did not raise you to let boys who wear pigtails push you around.

Benjamin Lambert:
These are samurai knots!

Kate:
Mom, we're fine. We're having a dialogue about our relationship

Tara:
We? Honey, this Power Puff Boy does not warrant a collective pronoun.

Benjamin Lambert:
Is this the b*tch character or something? Make her turn it off.

Max:
Buck, don't smoke in here.

Tara:
[as Buck] I only smoke when I party.

Max:
This isn't a party.

Tara:
[as Buck] Says you.

Max:
Wrap up those M.O.T.s - "muffins of triumph".

Tara:
[as Buck] These taste homo-made.

Max:
Looks like someone forgot their pants.

Tara:
i like to think of it as remembering my ass.

Benjamin Lambert:
Ow! Mrs. Gregor, stop! I can't hit you!

Tara:
[as Buck] What's this "Mrs. Gregor" bullshit? I'm Buck and I will f*** you sideways!

Tara:
[Talking into video camera about finding the morning-after pill in her daughter's backpack] I can't seem to be able to micro-manage my daughter's vagina.

Tara:
[as teenage alter 'T', speaking to Kate] Drugs not hugs.

Tara:
[as teenage alter 'T', speaking to Max, as he walks in with a bucket of fried chicken] Here comes Maxi pad now, with a bucket of fried dub.

Max:
'T' you're back.

Tara:
F-n-ay!

Marshall:
Mom?

Kate:
No. Mom keeps her ass-crack in check. It's "T".

Marshall:
[He turns around and sees a pink thong] I can see that now.

Tara:
[as alter 'T'] I love that gloss on you. It makes you look porno.

Kate:
Really?

Tara:
[as teenage alter 'T'] I'm a vegetarian now. I don't eat meat. Besides the hormones in that cluck cluck can make you get a third nipple.

Max:
Really?

Tara:
It's true guys. I got a myspace bulletin on it.

Max:
[Talking to his daughter about her mom] You know a bad surprise is a trigger for her.

Kate:
Dad, everything is a trigger lately. I mean, why can't mom be manic depressive like all the other moms? You can't expect me to be the perfect child all the time, just because mom acts like a lot of different people when she's stressed.

Max:
[Flirting] You look young and cheap.

Tara:
Thanks Max.

Tara Gregson:
What's this Mrs. Gregson sh*t? I am Buck and I will f*** you sideways.