Vicious

Freddie Thornhill:
So, who were you squawking on the phone to just now?

Stuart Bixby:
My mother, if you must know. She was very distraught.

Freddie Thornhill:
Why, did you finally tell her about us?

Stuart Bixby:
I'm waiting for the right time.

Freddie Thornhill:
It's been forty-eight years!

Stuart Bixby:
And there has not been a right time!

[repeated line]

Stuart Bixby:
[to Ash] You remember our friend Violet?

Freddie Thornhill:
We've had a few minor differences over the years, but I can't imagine my life without him. So when you talk to him, you talk to him with respect!

Stuart Bixby:
[teary-eyed] Oh, Freddie... I don't know what to say...

Freddie Thornhill:
Shut up!

Stuart Bixby:
Did Freddie Thornhill just use the word love?

Freddie Thornhill:
You're so desperate, clinging to every kind word tossed your way. It's very unattractive, Stuart. So why don't you get us some drinks and stop standing there with your mouth gaping open like a cheap Italian fountain!

Stuart Bixby:
Why, it must be so nice to have been in love with somebody for 49 years. Do let me know what that feels like!

Stuart Bixby:
I can't believe it. After all these years, my mother finally accepts me.

Violet Crosby:
Oh, Stuart... She really is a vile woman.

Stuart Bixby:
Dreadful.

Violet Crosby:
Well, I think I'm going to have another drink. Anybody else like one?

Ash Weston:
I think if we're gonna get through this night, we'll each need our own bottle...

Violet Crosby:
I see your mother's not here yet, Stuart.

Stuart Bixby:
No, not yet...

Freddie Thornhill:
You'll know she's arrived when you hear the gates of Hell creaking open.

[messages on the answering machine]

Judi Dench:
Hello Freddie, it's Judi Dench. It's so wonderful to hear from you after all these years. Yes, I'd love to come to your party, but you didn't leave me your address, so if you could just ring back with that, that would be fantastic. [later on]

Judi Dench:
Hi Freddie, it's Judi Dench. I still haven't heard back from you. I cancelled plans with Daniel Craig for this, so do phone back. [later on]

Judi Dench:
It's me again, Judi. It's ten o'clock and I still haven't heard from you. Right after I throw your gift out, I'll be heading to sleep so don't bother ringing me back. I've got an Oscar. I don't need this bullshit!

Freddie Thornhill:
Now I want you to be brutally honest, I've got this audition tomorrow. Do you think I could pass for fifty?

Stuart Bixby:
I'm not even sure you can pass for alive.

Violet Crosby:
You're sitting very far away from me, Ash.

Ash Weston:
I know.

Stuart Bixby:
Would you like us to ask her to leave?

Ash Weston:
No! I only feel bad that I'm interrupting.

Stuart Bixby:
Oh no... you've finished, right dear? You're sad, lonely, and nobody's ever going to love you.

Ash Weston:
I've always wondered what it would be like to be an actor.

Stuart Bixby:
So has Freddie.

Violet Crosby:
[to Ash] Just know you're going to have to take your shirt off a lot. People are always wanting young men to take their shirts off. It's appalling, I know, but that's the world we live in. You might as well take it off now.

Ash Weston:
[about Freddie's hesitance in attending a ballroom dance class] Come on Freddie. My mother's learning ballroom dancing in prison, and she loves it.

Jess Foster:
I thought you said your father was in prison.

Ash Weston:
Oh, yeah, yeah, they're both in prison.

Ash Weston:
[reacting to Jess' facial expression] Don't look so surprised. It's not that weird. Is it?

Stuart Bixby:
It's really f***ing weird.

[shopping in a mall]

Penelope:
Are all these girls prostitutes?

Violet Crosby:
No, that's just how they dress. Everybody's so proud of their vaginas now.

Penelope:
I've never even seen mine.

Freddie Thornhill:
[upset] There's just one thing that doesn't make any sense... who the hell would want to shag Stuart?

Freddie Thornhill:
They make me nervous, all these young people skittering around like mice; desperate to get back on the internet.

Freddie Thornhill:
It's so BRIGHT in here! It's like walking into Elton John's dressing room!

Stuart Bixby:
Freddie still thinks I almost had an affair.

Stuart Bixby:
[to Freddie] Hurry dear! We don't want to be late!

Freddie Thornhill:
Don't rush me, you cheating slut!

Stuart Bixby:
And he's being so decent about it.

Ash Weston:
I want the kind of love Freddie and Stuart have one day.

Freddie Thornhill:
Where is that miserable piece of sh*t?

Stuart Bixby:
I'm right here, you walking corpse!

Stuart Bixby:
[to Freddie] Look, you and I had just met! Penelope was single! And it was only one night...

Penelope:
TWO nights!

Stuart Bixby:
...Why is your memory so vivid all of a sudden?

Penelope:
[complimented by Freddie] What a lovely thing to say!

Freddie Thornhill:
And I truly meant it, Penelope. Even though you're a huge slag.

Violet Crosby:
I've been looking for my very own Freddie or Stuart my whole life.

Freddie Thornhill:
Oh, Vi... please don't compare your filthy relationships with ours!

Ash Weston:
Well, since then, you've kind of become my family and I wanted to say thank you somehow. So, I was hoping you'd let me cook Christmas dinner tomorrow.

Stuart Bixby:
Oh, that's not necessary Ash, and anyway I usually cook a special...

Ash Weston:
Please, Stuart, it would mean a lot to me.

Freddie Thornhill:
Oh, let him do it. It couldn't be any worse than the war crimes you commit every year in that kitchen.

Violet Crosby:
Well I've got a good question. Tell us Stuart, have you ever had sex with a woman?

Freddie Thornhill:
[laughs] Sex with a woman? How could he ever accomplish that? A team of scientists working around the clock couldn't devise a pill strong enough to make that happen.

Stuart Bixby:
Can I change my go to dare?

Violet Crosby:
No. You have to answer the question.

Freddie Thornhill:
What the hell are you stalling for, Stuart? The only woman you ever shared a bed with was your mother until you were thirteen. I'll answer it for him, No!

Stuart Bixby:
Yes! I have!

Freddie Thornhill:
I don't believe you.

Stuart Bixby:
It's true!

Freddie Thornhill:
You're lying!

Penelope:
No, he isn't. [everyone stares]

Violet Crosby:
Well I think a game is a fantastic idea. What about strip poker?

Freddie Thornhill:
Oh, no, thank you. There's not one body part in this room that ever needs to be seen in daylight again.

Violet Crosby:
[looks at Ash] Well, maybe one body part...

Stuart Bixby:
[about her latest boyfriend] I don't understand, Violet. You're always traveling the globe to meet these strange men. Why can't you ever find anybody at home to mistreat you?

Violet Crosby:
Believe me, I've tried.

Ash Weston:
I get paid by the head.

Freddie Thornhill:
[to Stuart] He gets paid to give head?

Stuart Bixby:
He gets paid for the amount of people he brings into the club.

Freddie Thornhill:
Ah. Less interesting.

Mason:
What kind of a club is it anyway? I see boys and girls, and boys and boys, and girls and girls.

Freddie Thornhill:
I have no idea. Ever since they came out with lesbians who aren't plain and misshapen, I've been confused.

Freddie Thornhill:
Look, there's a couple older than us!

Stuart Bixby:
...It's a mirror.

Freddie Thornhill:
Stuart?

Stuart Bixby:
Yes?

Freddie Thornhill:
[kisses Stuart] You look very handsome tonight.

Stuart Bixby:
Awww, thank you!

Freddie Thornhill:
Would you like to dance?

Stuart Bixby:
I thought you'd never ask. [both boogie on the ballroom to Kesha]

Stuart Bixby:
[proudly] I turned a few heads.

Freddie Thornhill:
And stomachs!

Emma:
[to Stuart] Hi. I'm Emma, what's your name?

Penelope:
He only likes dick.

Stuart Bixby:
[sitting in the club] I quite like the music.

Freddie Thornhill:
This is Kesha. I don't know how I know that.

Chloe:
I just don't see how two people in love can ever say cruel things to each other.

Freddie Thornhill:
[pointing to Stuart] I was saying the same thing just the other day to that piece of sh*t down there.

Stuart Bixby:
Freddie's scared he's never going to work again. There, how does that feel?

Freddie Thornhill:
I never said such a thing, and you swore you'd never mention it!

Freddie Thornhill:
My glass is empty, Stuart. Why is that?

Stuart Bixby:
I don't know, I'm not a waiter.

Freddie Thornhill:
You're not? Because you were one when I met you!

Chloe:
It's so inspiring that you both have been together for so long. How do you do it?

Freddie Thornhill:
Well, I mostly attribute it to the fact that he won't leave.

[Chloe and Ash kiss]

Freddie Thornhill:
It's like a car crash, you can't take your eyes off it.

Freddie Thornhill:
You're lucky you're straight, Ash, otherwise you get one of these women who latch on to you for decades and never let go.

Ash Weston:
But you love her?

Freddie Thornhill:
Yes... we LIKE her.

Stuart Bixby:
Poor Ash.

Freddie Thornhill:
Well, he wanted to be straight, that what he gets!

Stuart Bixby:
Do you hear how they talk to each other?

Freddie Thornhill:
Kill me if that's ever us.

Stuart Bixby:
Remember, I want you thinking summer meets Evelyn Waugh meets Paris in the 20s. Is that clear?

Chloe:
Well... ah... uh...

Stuart Bixby:
Or is it me? Am I not speaking English?

Penelope:
Sounds as if he's speaking b*tch.

Violet Crosby:
Oh, somebody do something; I'm so frightened I'm going to be raped!

Freddie Thornhill:
Oh... For god's sake, Violet; nobody wants to rape you!

Violet Crosby:
What an awful thing to say.

Stuart Bixby:
[talking about Ash] I only hope his flesh didn't rot off where you touched him.

Freddie Thornhill:
I'm surprised you could see it through the milky film that coats your cataracts!

Stuart Bixby:
Egg and cress sandwich, Mason?

Mason:
Is that what that is? I thought it was a crumb surrounded by a toothpick!

Stuart Bixby:
Well perhaps you'd like some of what your brought. I could always cut you a slice of nothing.

Ash Weston:
[about Clive] He really loved you.

Violet Crosby:
No he didn't.

Freddie Thornhill:
What're you talking about? And you've got lipstick all over your teeth!

Freddie Thornhill:
It's very rude to disturb attractive people.

Freddie Thornhill:
I've provided you with everything you could ever want since the moment we met! You were pulling pints in a pub!

Stuart Bixby:
I was the manager! And I was going to be a model.

Freddie Thornhill:
[laughs] You were never going to be a model!

Stuart Bixby:
No, not with you sucking the life out of me! You know, I aged five years just sharing a taxi with you that night!

Freddie Thornhill:
Is that why you look a thousand? You're practically melting onto the rug!

Ash Weston:
Should I go?

Freddie Thornhill:
...Why? Don't be ridiculous!

Stuart Bixby:
...Of course not!

Ash Weston:
Your hand is really high on my thigh...

Violet Crosby:
Is it?

Violet Crosby:
[to Ash] Has anybody ever said you remind them of Zac Efron? [to Stuart]

Violet Crosby:
That's a person, right? Or is it a place?