Waiting for Guffman

Corky St. Clair:
It's like in a Hitchcock movie, you know, where they tie you up in a rubber bag and throw you in the trunk of a car. You find people.

UFO Expert:
I've been coming to this circle for about five years, and measuring it. The diameter and the circumference are constantly changing, but the radius stays the same. Which brings me to the number 5. There are five letters in the word Blaine. Now, if you mix up the letters in the word Blaine, mix 'em around, eventually, you'll come up with Nebali. Nebali. The name of a planet in a galaxy way, way, way... way far away. And another thing. Once you go into that circle, the weather never changes. It is always 67 degrees with a 40% chance of rain.

Corky St. Clair:
Here's the Remains of the Day lunchbox. Kids don't like eating at school, but if they have a Remains of the Day lunchbox they're a lot happier.

Dr. Pearl:
People say, You must have been the class clown. And I say, No, I wasn't. But I sat next to the class clown, and I studied him.

Corky St. Clair:
...'cause you people are BASTARD PEOPLE!

Ron Albertson:
If there's an empty space, just fill it with a line, that's what I like to do. Even if it's from another show.

Corky St. Clair:
It's a Zen thing, like how many babies fit in a tire.

Ron Albertson:
We consider ourselves bi-costal if you consider the Mississippi River one of the coasts.

Glenn Welsch:
Blaine is the stool capital of the world.

Ron Albertson:
Some people find it ironical that although we run a travel agency, we've never been outside of Blaine.

Mrs. Pearl:
We don't associate with the creative types. We have a Scrabble club. We associate with people with babies.

Corky St. Clair:
Well, then, I just HATE you... and I hate your... ass... FACE!

Corky St. Clair:
People don't like to have fire poked... POKED in their face.

Corky St. Clair:
My first show was Barefoot in the Park, which was an absolute smash, but my production on the stage of Backdraft was what really got them excited. This whole idea of 'In Your Face' theatre really affected them. The conceptualization, the whole abstraction, the obtuseness of this production to me was what was interesting. I wanted the audience to feel the heat from the fire, the fear, because people don't like fire, poked, poked in their noses, you know when you get a cinder from a barbeque right on the end of your nose and you kind of make that face, you know, that's not a good thing, and I wanted them to have the sense memory of that. So during the show I had someone burn newspapers and send it through the vents in the theatre. And well, they freaked out, and 'course the fire Marshall came over and they shut us down for a couple of days.

Dr. Pearl:
I'm walking on air... you know... this is a sensation which is... forget it. When I became a dentist, I thought I was happy, but this...

Sheila:
He's teaching me to change my instincts... or at least ignore them.

Corky St. Clair:
How tall are you?

Johnny:
6'2.

Corky St. Clair:
Really... Wow!

Corky St. Clair:
You're squeezing your boobies out!

Dr. Pearl:
You have to go where the love is. And the love for me, right now, is in Miami, not Blaine.

Libby Mae Brown:
I been workin' here at the D.Q. for about, um... eight months? Seven? I don't know, somethin' like that, it's fun. Just do the cones... make sundaes, make Blizzards, 'n... put stuff on 'em, 'n... see a lot of people come in, a lot of people come to the D.Q... burgers... ice cream... anything, you know? Cokes... just drive in and get a Coke, if you're thirsty.

Corky St. Clair:
I'll tell you why I can't put up with you people. Because you're bastard people.

Corky St. Clair:
Everybody dance!

Libby Mae Brown:
I'll always have a place at the Dairy Queen.

Libby Mae Brown:
What New York really is, is it's an island, with lots of people, lots of different people... I hope to maybe meet some guys, some Italian guys, and maybe watch some TV.

UFO Abductee:
They took me off into a separate room; I seen 'em takin' different people off; different ones of us off in separate rooms and put me on a big white table and uh the guy that took me in there - to examine me I guess - he probed me and then I was in there I bet more than three or four hours, in that room, being probed and at one time or another these different ones of 'em came in, four or five or six of 'em at different times, and all of 'em probed me, uh, not all at once, you know, individually. Later on, years later, now, even still, uh, it's a funny thing - it happened on a Sunday and every Sunday about the time I was taken on board that ship I - find I have no feelings in my buttocks.

Clifford Wooley:
I had a... hankerin' to be an actor when I was a young feller when I got out of the Coast Guard, but I... I went to taxidermy school instead... well, I took a correspondence course.

Dr. Allan Pearl:
I think I got a, a, an entertaining bug... from my grandfather... uh, Chaim Pearlgut, who was very very big in the, um, Yiddish, uh, theater, back in New York. He was in the, the very... the sardonically irreverent..."Dybbyck Shmybbyck, I Said 'More Ham'"... and that revue I believe was 1914, and that revue was what made him famous. Incidentally, the song "Bubi Made A Kishka" came from that revue.

Corky St. Clair:
I'd like you to close your eyes now, and I'd like you to try something, alright? Now what are you thinkin', what are you feeling right now, with your eyes closed

Dr. Allan Pearl:
I feel a bree... a... you're blowing in my ear.

Corky St. Clair:
Okay, alright, but you see you jumped... to a conclusion!

Dr. Pearl:
Oh!

Corky St. Clair:
See, what I'm asking for is... your first feeling... was not that I was blowing on you. It was more like... Virgin Isles, or... Bahamanian...

Dr. Pearl:
Oh...

Corky St. Clair:
Or... Arubian...

Corky St. Clair:
What the city council did was really... give me a challenge, and it's a challenge that I am going to... accept. It's like in the olden days, in the... days of France, when men would slap each other with their gloves... say, y'know..."D'Artagnan!"... y'know, "how dare you talk to me like that, you!," and... smack 'em!

Glenn Welsch, Mayor:
There's a saying in Missouri, if you don't like the weather just wait five minutes. In Blaine, with hard work, I think we can get that down to three or four minutes.

Ron Albertson:
I had to have penis reduction surgery.

Dr. Allan Pearl:
Penis *reduction*?

Sheila:
I said to him, "Ron, you've gotta do something!" And he says to me, "Well, why don't you get one of those vagina enlargements?"

Corky St. Clair:
Boy, I didn't know deers could... could do that, you know?

Ron Albertson:
I'd wish they'd at least give us a line. I made some suggestions...

Sheila:
We should be line-DANCING.

Montezuma's revenge isn't nothing it good ol' fashioned American diarrhea!