Walk of Shame

[first lines]

[Stella wakes up to find her face and shirt covered with a sticky yellow substance]

Stella:
Oh, he must be so proud.

[last lines]

Stella:
Hey... Hey... Where are your towels?

[Guy wakes up, vomits and wipes his mouth on Stella's shirt]

Stella:
Oh my God. This one so doesn't count.

[first lines]

[Katie wakes up, stretches and peeks under the covers at her lower torso]

Katie:
F***.

[Katie desperately searches Jacob's bathroom for a tampon]

Katie:
Oh, come on. Please have something left over from an ex-girlfriend... Maybe a sister?

[last lines]

Katie:
Alright. This one doesn't count.

[first lines]

[while sneaking out after a one-night-stand, Anne finds twenty dollars tucked into her clothing]

Anne:
Oh, sh*t. Hey! What the f*** is this? No no nonono. You don't get to talk. I remember meeting you in a bar last night, not on a street corner wearing fishnet stockings, so what the f*** made you think I was a prostitute?

[last lines]

Anne:
Of course, it all proved to be worth the wait when your recharged excuse for a cock gave me that Herculean four and a half minutes that only sorta felt like a Number 2 pencil having a seizure inside of me. So really, I should be paying *you*! Oh wait, I already did when you didn't have money for that cab last night, so I had to... Was this money to pay me back for the cab?

[Bruce nods]

Anne:
Right... Did you have a good time last night?

Bruce:
Yeah. I programmed my number into your phone. I was hoping you would give me call when you saw it.

Anne:
You probably don't want me to call you anymore.

Bruce:
You scare me.

Anne:
I get that a lot.

Bruce:
Yeah.

Anne:
Alright, this one didn't count.

[first lines]

[while sneaking out of Scotty's bedroom after a one-night-stand, Maggie bumps into Katherine, Scotty's girlfriend]

Katherine:
Who the f*** are you?

Maggie:
Oh... oh god, I'm *that* girl. Sh*t! I'm a horrible person. I have to go!

Katherine:
Yeah.

Maggie:
I'm really sorry. I had no idea.

Katherine:
Just get out.

Katherine:
You know, I can never talk about this stuff with my girlfriends. We should do slunch.

Maggie:
What is "slunch"?

Katherine:
It's like brunch, but with sangrias.

[last lines]

Scotty:
Um... How do you two know each other?

Katherine:
[to Maggie] I'm gonna deal with this.

Maggie:
Yeah, I'm going to brush my teeth. But this one...

Katherine:
Oh, it doesn't count.

Maggie:
For what its worth, you could do a lot better.

Katherine:
I know. I've tried, but things have been so tough at work and my Mom keeps saying, "You're not getting any younger, Katherine."

Maggie:
What? Are you serious? No, you look amazing!

Katherine:
Not compared to you I mean look at you. Look at *those*.

Maggie:
Girl, this is a pushup bra with tons of padding.

[first lines]

[Sally wakes up and finds Harry draped all over her]

Sally:
You gotta be kidding me.

[after Sally manages to pull her bra from Harry's grasp]

Sally:
Yippy-kai-yay motherf***er!

[last lines]

[after escaping from his grasp, she accidentally pulls the sleeping Harry out of bed and on top of her]

Sally:
Oh, sh*t. This can't get any worse.

[Harry farts]

Sally:
Alright. This one doesn't count.

[first lines]

[Nicole attempts to sneak out of Jeff's bedroom after a one-night-stand]

Jeff:
Hey.

Nicole:
Oh, hi... You're up.

Jeff:
Are you leaving?

Nicole:
Yeah... I just... I have... uh... work... and mornings are just like *ahhh!*

Jeff:
I had a good time last night, so maybe we can do it again?

Nicole:
Yeah, yeah... maybe, you know. I have your number, so I'll just text you.

Nicole:
Dodged that bullet.

[spotting Mark's handsome roommate in the kitchen]

Nicole:
Hello. Alright, this one doesn't count.

[Jeff catches Nikki in Derek's bedroom]

Jeff:
Nicole?

Nicole:
Ohhhh...

Jeff:
You never texted!

Derek:
She was busy.

Nicole:
That's not helping.

Jeff:
Wait! You and him? After you and me? And then him - in one night?

Jeff:
Shut up!

Derek:
What did I do?

Jeff:
Her! You did her!

Derek:
So did you.

Jeff:
Yes! That's the whole point!

Nicole:
That one doesn't count.

Derek, Jeff:
Which one?