Walker, Texas Ranger

[after being beaten up by Walker]

Ranger Jimmy Trivette:
I'm glad he's in a happy mood.

Ranger Jimmy Trivette:
Cookies and cream, Big Dog?

C.D. Parker:
This isn't an intensive care and your feet aren't plastered to cement. Come on back here and help yourself. I'm busy!

[Trivette walks behind counter]

Ranger Cordell Walker:
I'd like some coffee!

Ranger Jimmy Trivette:
Sure, customer! Coming right up!

[Alex walks in]

A.D.A. Alex Cahill:
Hey guys!

C.D. Parker:
Would you like some coffee?

[Sydney and Gage prepare to make dinner]

Francis Gage:
So who's cooking and who's cleaning?

Sydney Cooke:
Can you cook?

Francis Gage:
Are you kidding? I'm a bachelor. Of course I can cook!

Sydney Cooke:
Okay, so what can you cook?

Francis Gage:
French toast.

Sydney Cooke:
French toast? Is that all?

Francis Gage:
Cinnamon toast.

Sydney Cooke:
Cinnamon toast.

Francis Gage:
Raisin toast. (pause) Rye toast.

Sydney Cooke:
(stares blankly)

Francis Gage:
You cook. I'll clean.

Francis Gage:
I'd like a soda, C.D...

C.D. Parker:
Is your foot in a bear trap? You've been comin' here long enough. Get your own soda.

Sydney Cooke:
[Sydney is chasing gangsters. They try to jump a fence to get away from her] Don't MAKE me climb that fence!

Sydney Cooke:
[pacing in front of three bank robbers who are sitting on the curb, hands cuffed behind thier backs] You are under arrest for robbery, assault on a peace officer and for making me miss the rodeo!

A.D.A. Alex Cahill:
How about a cruise for our honeymoon?

Ranger Cordell Walker:
We've already done that.

A.D.A. Alex Cahill:
That was a river raft!

Ranger Cordell Walker:
Close enough.

A.D.A. Alex Cahill:
[Walker and Alex are choosing silverware and china] Do you see anything that jumps out at you? Is anything speaking to you?

Ranger Cordell Walker:
Yeah, they're speaking to me. But they're speaking in French, so I can't understand what they're saying.

A.D.A. Alex Cahill:
Very funny.

Sydney Cooke:
[calming down the rowdy patrons of a bar] Careful boys. Little girl with a gun.

Francis Gage:
[undercover] I got another gun you can play with.

Sydney Cooke:
Sorry, but I prefer something in a bigger caliber.

Member of Terrorist Cell:
You can't leave, we're at Defcon One.

Francis Gage:
You guys really talk like that?

[Sydney and Jimmy come out of a piercing parlor after interviewing someone; she hints he should pierce something]

Ranger Jimmy Trivette:
Yeah, right. If I'd get an ear pierced, Walker'd make me ride in the back of his truck. [Walker carries bad guys to jail by placing them in the back of his truck]

Ranger Cordell Walker:
[Alex is pregnant] Hey, Honey, how are you feeling?

A.D.A. Alex Cahill:
[Alex covers her mouth with her hand and runs to the bathroom]

Ranger Cordell Walker:
Sydney, how long is this morning sickness suppose to last?

Sydney Cooke:
How should I know?

Ranger Cordell Walker:
All I know is, I'm glad women have to go through this and not men!

Sydney Cooke:
Men are such wimps! [walks off to go find Alex]

Ranger Cordell Walker, Ranger Jimmy Trivette, Francis Gage:
[agreeing] Well... Yep. Yeah. Sure.

Ranger Cordell Walker:
Sydney, Gage, you're going undercover at the bar. Gage, you're going to be a bartender. Sydney...

Sydney Cooke:
I know, I know. Cocktail waitress.

A.D.A. Alex Cahill:
[Walker has just saved Alex after the river rafting trip] Next time, we go to Disneyland.

Ranger Cordell Walker:
No way!... I'm afraid of the rides!

[Nicholas jumps from the ladder and falls to the floor, seriously hurting himself]

Ranger Roberta 'Bobbie' Hunt:
[shocked] Oh, my God! Are you nuts?

Salvatore Matacio:
[grabs and restrains Bobbie, as Laura Justin; furious] You will not interfere with me teaching my son how to be a man. That is something you know nothing about! Huh?

Ranger Roberta 'Bobbie' Hunt:
Yes.

[Nicholas is moaning, writhring, and crying in pain]

Salvatore Matacio:
[slightly kicks him] Hey. Don't ever trust anyone, Nicholas. Nobody. The sooner you learn that, the better off you'll be. Stop crying.

[Bobbie attempts to sneak into Matacio's office, but is met at the door by Sal Matacio]

Ranger Roberta 'Bobbie' Hunt:
Uh...

Salvatore Matacio:
Something I can do for you?

Ranger Roberta 'Bobbie' Hunt:
I was looking for you.

Salvatore Matacio:
Well, this area's off limits. Didn't Mr. Loomis explained that?

Ranger Roberta 'Bobbie' Hunt:
Yes, he did, but um...

Salvatore Matacio:
What do you want?

Ranger Roberta 'Bobbie' Hunt:
As a teacher, I'm obligated to tell you that what - the way you're treating your son can have serious emotional impact later on.

Salvatore Matacio:
Uh, Ms. Justin, I think we should have a little phylisopical discussion.

Salvatore Matacio:
[later in the living room] Nicholas is a square-one wuss. Blank canvas raised by some Idaho farm girl whom I has the misfortune of marrying, but he's my responsiblity now. He's gotta be toughen up. He needs a good kick in the butt! I'm not the... heartless monster you think I am. The stakes are very high here. It's important that Nicholas gets that message.

Ranger Roberta 'Bobbie' Hunt:
[laughs nervously] You're not just a run-up-the-mill businessman, are you?

Salvatore Matacio:
No. No, I'm not.

Ranger Roberta 'Bobbie' Hunt:
I didn't think so.

Salvatore Matacio:
Well... if you're having second thoughts, you're free to leave. But if you decide to stay, then you and I are entering into a long-term partnership with only one goal.

Ranger Roberta 'Bobbie' Hunt:
That is?

Salvatore Matacio:
I want us, you and me, to turns Nicholas into a... carbon copy of me. Anything less will be failure. Are you up for that, Ms. Justin?

Ranger Roberta 'Bobbie' Hunt:
[stands up] I don't know much about you, Mr. Matacio...

Salvatore Matacio:
Sal. Please call me Sal.

Ranger Roberta 'Bobbie' Hunt:
Sal. But I think you must be a powerful and focused man. And I can't think of a better role model for your son.

Salvatore Matacio:
Having you here, Ms. Justin, Linda, has lifted a big load off my mind. I've worried about that boy bein' able to take over since the time he was born. But now I know that his future is in our good hands.

[Walker, Trivette, and Bobbie take down Matacio's goons]

Salvatore Matacio:
What are ya-What are you doing, Nicholas?

[Nicky hands Walker Sal's gun]

Salvatore Matacio:
[screams] I TRUSTED YOU!

Nicholas Matacio:
Yeah, Dad. I trusted you, too.

Ranger Roberta 'Bobbie' Hunt:
Gotcha there, Sal. Nice lesson.

Rebecca Matacio:
It is just not gonna workout with that kid being around all the time Sal. I mean, he's either hungry or he's moping around. Do I look like a wet nurse?

[describing Daniel Lamont Dade]

Sonny Lyle:
People think he's a cross between J.R. Ewing and Howdy Doody.

[describing Daniel Lamont Dade]

Sonny Lyle:
The man's a shark. He's got a nice smile, but behind it, he's all teeth.

[Dade is sweet-talking the media when Alex Cahill and Candy Delight appear]

Alex Cahill:
[to the media] Here's your answer.

Alex Cahill:
[to Dade] NO DEALS!

James Trivette:
[to Bounty Hunter] I'm going to be all over you like a wet burnous.

[last lines]

C.D. Parker:
You know what they say, the bigger they are...

Ranger Cordell Walker:
-the harder they hit!

Cordell Walker:
[to Trivette's skepticism about Indian mysticism] White man's rules don't apply here.

James Trivette:
I'm not a white man, remember?

Cordell Walker:
You dance like one.

Lazarus:
You ready to die?

Ranger Cordell Walker:
Before I do, who sent you?

Lazarus:
[Smirks, and then cracks neck] My boss.

Lucas Simms:
Walker told me I have AIDS...

C.D. Parker:
And how are you doing, little partner?

Lucas Simms:
Fine, and it's little visitor now.

[chuckles]

Lucas Simms:
Usdi adadamdvhidohi is how you say it in Cherokee.

C.D. Parker:
Oh, pardon my French, but I'll be damned.

Lucas Simms:
Walker told me I have AIDS.

Ranger Cordell Walker:
That's what life is all about people, making the smart choices.

Harper Ridland:
I have studied the great masters. As a student of Eastern philosophy, I have learned that retribution is the only way to cleanse the soul.

The Chairman:
You've been a worthy opponent, Walker. I respect that. The true measure of a man is in the enemies he makes.

[Walker and Trivette are escorting a cop killer on a plane from Cleveland to Dallas and Walker has to be separated from Trivette and the killer]

Ranger Cordell Walker:
If he gives you any trouble, you know what to do?

Ranger Jimmy Trivette:
Yeah! Shoot first and come find you later.

[CD has been cornered by two bad guys]

CD Parker:
You know? Life's funny - you can sleep off a hangover but you can't sleep off ugly.

Victor LaRue:
What's your name, soldier?

Buddy Rebotco:
Buddy Rebotco!

Victor LaRue:
Victor LaRue, your new best friend.

Buddy Rebotco:
Can I have one of those guns?

Victor LaRue:
You're not that good of a friend.

A.D.A. Alex Cahill:
Maybe you should go to the hospital.

Ranger Cordell Walker:
No. I'm okay.

A.D.A. Alex Cahill:
Just to get it looked at.

Ranger Cordell Walker:
The medic just looked at it, Alex. I'm fine.

A.D.A. Alex Cahill:
You're so stubborn!

Texas Ranger:
[to Walker] Nobody expects you to come smilin' into the 21st Century.

[explaining why a black kid from the Baltimore ghetto like himself would want to join the Texas Rangers]

James "Jimmy" Trivette:
When I was a kid, every Saturday morning I used to get up and sneak into the living room and watch my favorite TV show about the most famous Texas Ranger of all time, the last surviving member of a squad ambushed by bandits. Nursed back to health by an Indian, he became...

Ranger Cordell Walker:
Don't tell me...

James "Jimmy" Trivette:
That's right, man! The Lone Ranger!

Mexican:
This is Mexico, Ranger! You've got no right!

Ranger Cordell Walker:
I've got no right?

Mexican:
No!

[Walker punches the Mexican]

Ranger Cordell Walker:
I think that was a pretty good right.

Rapist:
Ranger, you screwed up! You forgot to read us our rights.

Ranger Cordell Walker:
You're right! You have the right [kicks the rapist] to remain silent.

[On their first day as partners, Walker and Trivette have busted an arms runner]

Ranger Cordell Walker:
Come on, Trivit.

Ranger Jimmy Trivette:
It's not Trivet; It's TRIVETTE!

Ranger Cordell Walker:
[Walker has just been thrown by a bull. He pushes Trivette, who has been roped into being a clown out of the way] Move it Trivette!

Ranger Jimmy Trivette:
Hey, you said my name!

Ranger Cordell Walker:
Go!

Ranger Cordell Walker:
I think our next place to search is where military and wannabe military types hang out.

Ranger Jimmy Trivette:
Does that mean the Hunt Club?

Ranger Cordell Walker:
Yep!

Ranger Jimmy Trivette:
Nobody goes into the Hunt Club without a S.W.A.T. escort.

Ranger Cordell Walker:
We do!

[Walker has put some tuxedos, for his and Alex's wedding, in Trivette's car]

Ranger Cordell Walker:
Now, be careful with the tuxedos. Don't wrinkle them.

Ranger Jimmy Trivette:
Will you relax!

Francis Gage:
Nothing's gonna happen to the tuxes, Walker. Later!

[to Trivette]

Francis Gage:
...You know, the only person more nervous than Walker is Sydney.

Ranger Jimmy Trivette:
Why is she nervous?

Francis Gage:
She's been worried since day one that we weren't gonna get these tuxes in time for the wedding.

Radio:
All units, report of a 2-11 in progress at the First Bank of South Dallas...

[they go to the bank robbery in Trivette's car. One of the robbers has a grenade, with which he tries to use. Gage kicks the grenade under Trivette's car, then realizes his mistake]

Francis Gage:
Whoops!

Ranger Jimmy Trivette:
Duh!

[Trivette's car blows up]

Ranger Jimmy Trivette:
Nooo!

Francis Gage:
Uhm... Sorry about your car.

Ranger Jimmy Trivette:
Sorry about *what?* Never mind the car; Walker's gonna kill us!

[pieces of burned and burning tuxedo fall and blow around them]

Francis Gage:
The tuxes!

Ranger Jimmy Trivette:
That's what I mean!

Francis Gage:
Oh, man! Hey, we should just... go to Australia.

Ranger Jimmy Trivette:
That's not far enough.

Francis Gage:
Isn't it? *Shoot*!

[one of the bank robbers gets up and fires on them; Trivette and Gage draw their guns]

Ranger Jimmy Trivette:
Get down!

Francis Gage:
Yeah, yeah! Get down! You have no idea how much trouble we're in!