Weird Science

Wyatt:
What are we going to do with her?

Garry:
Look, we'll just go with the situation ok? And I'm sure by Sunday you'll think of something. You're a very bright guy. I have a lot of faith in you ok?

Wyatt:
I'm just being practical.

Garry:
I know you are and I apperciate it.

Wyatt:
But what are we going to do about this mess?

Garry:
Wyatt you have plenty of time to clean up tommorrow ok?

Wyatt:
Ok but don't get any B.O. on Chet's suit, or he'd kill me.

Wyatt:
Where are we going anyway?

Garry:
I don't know she said we're going downtown and OH MY GOD! Whose stuff is this? Is this yours?

Wyatt:
Oh sh*t!

Garry:
What's going on here?

Wyatt:
I don't know.

Garry:
Wyatt, what's going on here?

Wyatt:
GARY I DON'T KNOW! But you look good though alright?

Garry:
Yeah?

Wyatt:
Yeah.

Max:
I feel like an a**hole. This had better work.

Garry:
This is just a blueprint guys, now how do you like it?

Max:

Max:
Go! Go! Go!

Garry:
Give em the knee shooters.

Chet:
You're stewed, buttwad!

Wyatt:
You know Gary, for the first time in my life; I don't feel like a total dick.

Garry:
You know, I can't believe this, Wyatt. I'm so disappointed in us. I mean, all our lives we've been saying how great it would be if we went to parties, right? And now it's our party and we're in the john. We're in the john!

Garry:
We're in.

Wyatt:
We're in trouble Gary. This is highly illegal.

Garry:
We need more input. We gotta fill this thing up with data. We gotta make her as real as possible, Wyatt. I want her to live. I want her to breathe. I want her to aerobicize.

Garry:
Mom, I never toss off to anything!

Garry:
But I was, I was!

Wyatt:
Gary, by the way, why are we wearing bras on our heads?

Garry:
Ceremonial.

Lisa:
So, what would you little maniacs like to do first?

Lisa:
You okay?

Garry:
Well, my nuts are halfway up my ass, but other than that, I'm perfect!

Garry:
Maybe it was a dream, you know, a very weird, bizarre, vivid, erotic, wet, detailed dream. Maybe we have malaria.

Chet:
I'm gonna tell Mom and Dad everything. I'm even considering makin' up some sh*t!"

Lisa:
If you ever get the chance, shower with them. I did. Mmm, it's a mindscrambler. Hurts so good.

Chet:
How 'bout a nice greasy pork sandwich served in a dirty ashtray?

Chet:
You two donkey-d*cks couldn't get laid in a morgue.

Garry:
This isn't my car. This isn't my suit. Those weren't even my friends.

Deb:
Why are you telling me this?

Garry:
Because I want you to like me for what I am.

Deb:
Whatever you are, I like it.

Wyatt:
Gary was just takin' a sh*t!

Chet:
It's time to pay the fiddler...

Henry:
I'm not going to stand here and listen to this baloney.

Carmen:
He won't, you know. He doesn't stand for baloney.

Ian:
This party's lame, Max!

Max:
What about the girls?

Ian:
Girls, shmirls!

Garry:
Wyatt, your kitchen is blue...!

Lisa:
What are you so nervous about? Everything's cool.

Garry:
EVERYTHING'S COOL! Yeah yeah. My dad's gonna castrate me. And my mother almost had like cardiac arrest. My parents are not gonna let me in the house again and if they do I'm gonna be grounded till I'm about 45. But other than that everything's great. Everything's cool. In fact things can't get any better.

Lisa:
Don't threaten me Al! You're out of shape, I'll kick your arse.

Lisa:
You had to be big shots didn't you. You had to show off. When are you gonna learn that people will like you for who you are, not for what you can give them. Well, in your race for power and glory, you forgot one small detail.

Wyatt:
We forgot to hook up the doll.

Lisa:
You forgot to hook up the doll.

Chet:
Lady, I wanna get to the bottom of this. ASAFP.

Lisa:
Oh, so do I.

Chet:
But first I'd like to... butter your muffin.

Lisa:
Why do you have to be such a wanker?

Chet:
Because I get off on it!

Lisa:
I can be a real serious b*tch if I don't get what I want.

Mutant Biker:
Can we keep this... between us? I'd hate to lose my teaching job...

Wyatt:
Garry, don't you feel like a chicken?

Garry:
Wyatt, if I could shoot an egg out my ass right now, I would! Look we can deal with shame, death is a much deeper issue.

Lisa:
If you want be a party animal, you have to learn to live in the jungle.

Wyatt:
What are we gonna do with her?

Gary:
Look, we'll just go with the situation. Okay? And I'm sure by Sunday, you'll think of something. You're a very bright guy. I have a lot of faith in you. Okay? All right?

Wyatt:
I'm just being practical.

Gary:
I know you are. Okay? And I appreciate it.

Wyatt:
But what are we gonna do about this mess?

Gary:
Wyatt, you'll have plenty of time to clean up tomorrow. Okay?

Wyatt:
Okay, but don't get any B.O. on Chet's suit, or he'd kill me.

[they walk out of the room and their nerdy suits suddenly transform into posh suits]

Wyatt:
Where are we going, anyway?

Gary:
I don't know. She said we're gonna go downtown and... [looks at the suits] Oh, my God! Whose stuff is this? Is that your stuff? Is this yours?

Wyatt:
Oh, sh*t. Gary, I don't know what's goin'--

Gary:
Wyatt, what's goin' on here?

Wyatt:
I don't know.

Gary:
What is goin' on here?

Wyatt:
Gary, I don't know!

Gary:
I don't know what's goin' on here!

Wyatt:
You look good though! All right?!

Gary:
Yeah?!

Wyatt:
Yeah.

Dino:
Tell me something. What's a beautiful broad like you doing with a malaka like this? Huh?

Lisa:
It's purely sexual.

Dino:
No sh*t.

Gary:
She's into malakas, Dino!

[after a brief pause, Dino and his friends laugh]

Dino:
"She's into malakas"! Do you believe that?!

Gary:
[completely wasted] Fats, man, lemme tell you my story, man. Last year, I was insane for this crazy, little 8th grade b*tch.

Fats:
Crazy insane?

Man 1:
Insane?

Man 2:
Crazy?

Gary:
I was nuts for the woman, man. Now, you gotta believe me. I'm tellin' the truth here. I speakin' to ya. I mean, I was nuts for the girl. And what did it to me was these big titties she had. For a 13-year-old girl, man? She wouldn't have had to worry 'bout no titties for the rest of her life, boy. You know, she was set. She was looking good, I saying.

Wyatt:
That's the truth, baby.

Gary:
I called her every night for, like, a month. I mean, I talkin' devotion, man.

Mitch:
Every damn night?!

Gary:
Every night, Mitch. I ain't playin' with you.

Mitch:
On the telephone?

Gary:
What this boy talkin' 'bout, on the telephone, man?!

Fats:
Explain it to him!

Gary:
Well, damn, Fats! Goddamn! We know there's a telephone!

Lisa:
But he hung up on her.

Man 1:
Oh, you didn't hang up on her. The chick with those big, big titties?

Gary:
Hey, you. Now, here the capper. You know what the b*tch did to me?

Mitch:
Lay it on me.

Gary:
Take this sh*t on. Listen to what she did to me.

Lisa:
She kneed you in the nuts and called him f*ggot in front of everyone.

Mitch:
She did what?!

Man 1:
B*tch kneed your nuts?!

Gary:
B*tch kneed my nuts, man! I ain't playin' with ya.

Fats:
In the family jewels?

Gary:
In the family jewels, man!

Wyatt:
Worst pain there is.

Gary:
Broke my heart in two!

Fats:
She broke more than your heart.

Mitch:
You can forget that other one. [points to Lisa] You got this fine jewel sittin' right over here by you.

[everyone else agrees]

Gary:
Ain't that the truth, baby? That's the clean truth!

Lisa:
Have you ever wondered how sad it is, that your son's only sexual outlet is tossing off to magazines in the bathroom?

Lucy Wallace:
Oh Gary! Oh my God!

Gary:
Ma, I never tossed off to anything!

Lucy Wallace:
You told me you were combing your hair!

Gary:
I was! I was!

[before the party, Gary, Wyatt, and Lisa wait at the table for the guests]

Wyatt:
Lisa, you have to promise me that things aren't gonna get outta control.

Lisa:
Wyatt, don't worry. You're just having a few friends over.

Wyatt:
I don't have any friends, Lisa.

Gary:
He doesn't. Boy ain't lyin'.

[the doorbell rings]

Lisa:
You do now.

[the three walk up to the door, and Lisa opens it, revealing, to Gary and Wyatt's shock, an entire street full of party guests]

Lisa:
Hi!

Guests:
HI!!!

One guest:
PARTY!

All guests:
[chant] Party! Party! Party! Party!

[Gary sheepishly waves hello as Wyatt faints]

Wyatt:
Do you think Lisa's having a good time?

Gary:
Lisa could have a good time at an insurance seminar, Wyatt.

[Gary and Wyatt have a quick chat in the shower]

Gary:
I could be wrong, but I think these guys are stoked for us, Wyatt.

Wyatt:
I got that feelin' myself.

Gary:
What do we do?

Wyatt:
I don't know.

Gary:
Should we go for it?

Wyatt:
What about Lisa?

Gary:
She did say we should party.

Wyatt:
Look, let's get on with these two, score points, and go back to Lisa. This is like a dream come true.

Gary:
How about if we see if we can score the points with these two and deal with them in case we get to them later?

Wyatt:
Sounds good.

Gary:
Okay, but whatever happens, we've gotta give Lisa a shot. I don't wanna hurt her feelings. Maybe the girls are lookin' for a long lean bone job from me. Ready to party now?

Wyatt:
10-4.

Gary:
Let's break.

Lisa:
You know, there's going to be sex, drugs, rock-n-roll... chips, dips, chains, whips... You know, your basic high school orgy type of thing. I mean, uh, I'm not talking candlewax on the nipples, or witchcraft or anything like that, no, no, no. Just a couple of hundred kids running around in their underwear, acting like complete animals.

Lisa:
[to Wyatt's grandparents after they arrive unannounced] You ought to know better than to walk into somebody's house and start hitting people with your Rex Harrison hat!