Weirdsville

Dexter:
What's going on, man?

Royce:
She's dead.

Dexter:
What do you mean she's dead?

Royce:
I mean she's not alive, man.

Royce:
Look, I'm going to take a hit and I'm going to figure out what to do.

Royce:
What are you, are you like Satan worshipers?

Abel:
Hey hey, zip zip zip. You are not worthy to utter his name! But yes, we do bask in the light of the dark lord.

Abel:
Let's begin. Todd Crenshaw, are you willing to renounce all loyalty to God and Jesus Christ?

Todd:
Yeah man!

Abel:
Do you swear allegiance to the prince of darkness?

Todd:
I do.

Treena:
It's 'I swear' Todd! Not I do!

Seamus:
You're not getting married.

[first lines]

Royce:
Slow down!

[trips over a tree]

Royce:
F***ing tree!

Omar:
Gary, okay, look. I did not say kick him in the shins, did I? No. I said break his leg. That means you take a sledgehammer and you hit right above the knee until you hear a sound, and that sound is like a rifle going off. A crack, okay? If he continues to f*** with us, you tell him I'll go over there personally and cut off his thumbs.

Matilda:
Were we in hell?

Royce:
No, we were at the drive-in.

Treena:
Jesus Christ!

Abel:
You know what, watch your mouth little missy!

Treena:
[screaming] I know! I know! Okay!

Abel:
[yelling back] I'll wash your mouth out with soap!

Dexter:
You took yoga?

Royce:
Yeah, man. It enhances the high.

Dexter:
How'd that work out for you?

Royce:
I got kicked out.

Dexter:
What for?

Royce:
For sportin' wood.

Dexter:
[referring to Jeremy] How'd you knock him out?

Royce:
I hit him with that elf thing that we broke in with.

Dexter:
Gnome.

Royce:
Yeah whatever. What is it, a leprechaun?

Dexter:
Gnome.

Royce:
You know what I mean, like that smurf thing that I hit the window with?

Dexter:
Not smurf - gnome.

Royce:
What are you saying, man? Why don't you just tell me? You keep saying no.

[they stare at each other and then start laughing]

Dexter:
What are you doing here anyways?

Jeremy Taylor:
This is my uncle's house. He'll f***ing kill you, man.

Dexter:
What are you talking about?

Jeremy Taylor:
He killed a dude in this bathtub, right here, okay? He's a f***ing ninja! He's got ninja stars, swords and sh*t. He just hides them down the back of his shirt. You have no idea of the reign of pain that's coming your way!

Dexter:
Do you mind just shutting the f*** up for about five minutes and we'll be out of your way? Thank you.

Dexter:
Quit hugging me!

Royce:
I'm not hugging you! I'm trying to carry you!

Martin:
[talking on his cell phone] Anthony. Martin here. We got a code blue.

Abel:
One little Satanic ritual. Is that too much to ask?

[after capturing Seamus]

Royce:
I've got an idea.

Dexter:
What? What is that?

Royce:
Liquid morphine!

Dexter:
Where'd you get liquid morphine?

Royce:
From my dentist! This sh*t will make him talk. CIA sh*t!

Dexter:
You have a dentist?

Martin:
Your story touches me in ways. But if I find out that you're lying, there will be repercussions.

Royce:
Cops?

Martin:
Not the cops, and their height requirements. I'll come after you myself. You'll wish I called the cops.

Martin:
In my head I'm 6'4, 190 pounds.

Royce:
So in your head you're tall and skinny?

Martin:
190 pounds of muscle!

[upon seeing Martin, the midget mall security guard]

Treena:
That's so cute!

Martin:
Something funny?

Treena:
[talking in a little kid's voice] Hi! Who are you supposed to be? You're like the little chief of police of Munchkin Land or something!

Martin:
[sarcastically] A 'Wizard of Oz' joke. That's very original. I never hear those.

[sneaking behind Martin and picking him up]

Treena:
Gotcha! You want to take a little helicopter ride?

Jeremy Taylor:
Let's go back to my uncle's place and get freaky.

Matilda:
I can't.

Jeremy Taylor:
I've got a big bunch of weed and fifty dollars. What more could you want?

Matilda:
I don't do that anymore.

Jeremy Taylor:
Since when?

Matilda:
Since I spoke to God, Jeremy.

Jeremy Taylor:
And he specifically said do not have sex with Jeremy anymore?

Matilda:
Jeremy, I'm serious. I have a purpose, okay? I'm not really sure what it is yet, but I'm not going to ever know if I'm whoring around for drug money.

Jeremy Taylor:
You suck.

Matilda:
Not anymore I don't.

[as a bunch of midgets dressed as medieval knights attack his car]

Abel:
Grow up!

Royce:
[while hugging Matilda] God, to think that we almost buried you tonight!

Dexter:
Why would you say that? I mean, she gave us the combo and then you say that we were going to bury her tonight. I just think that shows a lack of intelligence on your part. I just don't understand why you do that sort of thing.

[last lines]

Jason Taylor:
[offering a bong to Dexter and Royce] Pull on that bad boy.

Treena:
I bet you feel like a real piece of sh*t right now.

Royce:
I don't know what you just said freaky girl, but I'm sure I don't like it!

Omar:
Okay. Let's go find these losers and give the hospital some business.

Gary:
What if they're just late? Sure you don't want to wait?

Omar:
Gary, you're a poet and you don't even know it. Let me try - roses are red, violets are blue, don't be a p*ssy, let's get the f*** out of here.

Abel:
Be gone. Walk with Satan. Don't step on the pentagram!

Jeremy Taylor:
Don't I know you?

[Royce runs up to Jeremy and punches him in the face]

Royce:
Do you have any monkey?

Dexter:
Do you mean money?

Royce:
What did I say?

Dexter:
You said do you have any monkey.

Royce:
Monkey. Money. No man, I don't have any monkey, man.