Wet Hot American Summer

Alan Shemper:
I went to sleepaway camp so long ago, that it was the Stone Age. No, but seriously, it wasn't the stone age... it was the Ice Age! No, really, it was the Stone Age.

McKinley:
Arty, I need you to do me a favor. I need you to take a shower today.

Arty:
Ok.

McKinley:
'Cause your parents are coming tomorrow and I don't want to get in trouble.

Arty:
Sure.

McKinley:
You haven't taken a shower once this summer. Not once in 8 weeks.

Arty:
I will.

McKinley:
You're covered in dirt. Take a shower.

Alan Shemper:
When I was at camp, my favorite activity was always arts and crafts. Or, as we used to call it: arts and *farts* and crafts. We used to make drawings... cave drawings! Which is my way of saying we were cave men. I went to camp so long ago, that I can remember saying "sticks and stones may break my bones" and meaning it! I went to camp so long ago that f***ing Jesus Christ was my counselor! And my best friend hadn't fully evolved yet! His name was Ug and he walked on all fours! There were two epidemics when I went to camp: head lice, and the plague - the Bubonic plague!

Gene:
Now we need to make 8 gallons of bug juice by snack hour, do you know where the powder packets are?

Gary:
Yeah.

Gene:
In the pantry, above the sink, right next to my bottle of dick cream. Uh, wait, forget that last part.

Gary:
Did you say dick cream?

Gene:
No! I said next to my... stick... team, you know stick team! Stickball! Go away leave me alone!

Caped Boy:
Excuse me, ladies. You may remember me as the guy who came to dinner a few weeks ago with underwear on my head. My name is Keith Stat from Millburn, New Jersey. State bird, the mosquito. And as you may have heard I am recently a crowned class B dungeon-master. So if any of you would like to play D&D today, please speak now or forever hold your peace.

Caped Boy:
Anyone? Alexa!

Caped Boy:
Maybe you would like to join in? We do need a druid, and you have definitely cast a level 5 charm spell on me.

Alexa:
In your dreams, douche-bag!

Caped Boy:
Douche-bags are hygienic products, I take that as a compliment. Thank you.

Alexa:
Ewww!

Andy:
You taste like a burger. I don't like you anymore.

Andy:
You French great.

Lindsay:
You're not so bad yourself, Mr. Man.

Mallrat Girl:
There's got to be another way.

Cure Girl:
Maybe we should just let them all die.

Mork Guy:
No! My friend Jimmy's in there!

Cure Girl:
You have a friend?

Mork Guy:
I'm kidding.

Andy:
I was busy.

Katie:
Listen, Coop. Last night was really great. You were incredibly romantic and heroic, no doubt about it. And that's great. But I've thought about it, and my thing is this. Andy is really hot. And don't get me wrong, you're cute too, but Andy is like, cut. From marble. He's gorgeous. He has this beautiful face and this incredible body, and I genuinely don't care that he's kinda lame. I don't even care that he cheats on me. And I like you more than I like Andy, Coop, but I'm 16. And maybe it'll be a different story when I'm ready to get married, but right now, I am entirely about sex. I just wanna get laid. I just wanna take him and grab him and f*** his brains out, ya know? So that's where my priorities are right now. Sex. Specifically with Andy and not with you.

Susie:
Before we start, I'd just like to say the campers you're about to see suck dick! But nevertheless, please welcome them.

Beth:
Well guys, we've made it to the end of the summer in one piece, except for a few campers who are lepers.

Gene:
Be proud of who you are.

Coop:
Huh? Gene?

Gene:
Shh... it isn't about the girl, Coop.

Coop:
It isn't?

Gene:
Well, it is. But see if you can follow me here... it

Gene:
... isn't.

Coop:
Oh. So it is... and it isn't.

Gene:
You are ready to be taught the new way.

Coop:
Will you teach me about this - what is it? A new way?

Gene:
Now finish up them taters, I'm gonna go fondle my sweaters.

Gary:
Come on - what?

Gene:
Finish up the taters.

Gary:
And then what did you say?

Gene:
And then what did I say?

Gary:
You said you were going to... fondle your sweaters.

Gene:
Ah, uh - no I didn't. I said fondue cheddar, I was thinking about making fondue with cheddar cheese for dinner tonight.

Gary:
No Gene, that is not what you said.

Gene:
That is what I said. Fondue cheddar.

Victor:
I'm a virgin.

Neil:
Wh - you're joking, right dude? I mean you're a stallion, man, you've had like fifty or sixty women, so it's, you know, it's like...

Victor:
Actually it's closer to... zero.

Neil:
Oh my god, oh my god. You are a loser! You are a loser! No!

Neil:
You're such a loser.

Gary:
McKinley needs to experience "The Ultimate"!

J.J.:
You mean, penis-in-vagina?

Gary:
No, d*ckhead, sex.

Beth:
Listen, Henry...

Henry:
Please, call me Henry.

Beth:
Okay, Henry it is.

Gail:
I hope you like shrimp cocktail, because I want you to be guests of honor at our wedding next week!

Beth:
Well, I hope it's not jumbo shrimp because I'm allergic to oxymorons!

Lindsay:
What 'cha doing?

Andy:
Writing in my gournal. I write my thoughts in it every day.

Lindsay:
Oh, you mean a journal?

Andy:
Yeah, whatever. I guess I'm not all smart like you.

Coop:
I want you inside me!

Katie:
What did you say?

Coop:
Oh hey... from before...

Susie:
Beth, I may regret saying this, but how dare you usurp my authority as producer...

Ben:
Hmph!

Susie:
...director slash choreographer of the talent show. I need you to know I have been busting my BALLS woman! I am telling you the musical numbers are a mess, my kids are a bunch of amateurs, and the last thing I need today is some diabetic freak prancing around on stage making my life a living HELL! (long pause, now calm) All right, I'll put him on last.

Beth:
Good. (walks away)

Susie:
Oh she always wins!

Susie:
Ok stop, I feel like I'm watching regional theatre you guys. God am I in the Cleveland Playhouse or something? Your craft is a muscle, you need to excersise it. Take a break, think about what you've done.

Can of Vegetables:
If you wanna smear mud on your ass, smear mud on your ass, just be honest about it. Look Gene, I've never told anyone this before, but I can suck my own dick, and I do it a lot.

Beth:
Hey you, penny for your thoughts.

Henry:
Beth, tomorrow is the least of our problems.

Beth:
Don't tell me, Oh don't tell me, don't even tell me you have crabs!

Henry:
No... Yes, but that's not the point.

Beth:
Oh yeah, there's some kids caught in the obstacle course. I meant to tell you about that yesterday.

Henry:
Oh, f*** my cock!

Susie:
You guys, I'm really going to miss this place.

Coop:
Me too.

Ben:
Hey, let's all promise that in ten years from today, we'll meet again, and we'll see what kind of people we've blossomed into.

Susie:
Yeah!

Ben:
What time do you wanna meet?

J.J.:
You mean ten years from now?

Coop:
Let's meet in the morning so we can make a day of it.

Susie:
Okay, so what is it? Is it like 9:00? 9:30?

Coop:
Well, let's say 9:00, that way we can be here by 9:30.

McKinley:
Well, no, why don't we say 9:30, and then make it your beeswax to be here by 9:30? I mean, we'll all be in our late 20s by then. I just don't see any reason why we can't be places on time.

Gary:
Okay, then, it's settled. 9:30 it is. All agreed?

McKinley:
Good, because I have something at 11:00.

Gary:
You just have like a trapper-keeper full of appointments, right?

McKinley:
No, I just have something at 11:00, and I can't change it, because I already moved it twice.

Coop:
When we first started hanging out together this morning we were just friends, but things change, and I've fallen in love with you. I just know that if you gave me a chance, I could make you feel so good. So, I am coming, not as your buddy, and not as a co-counselor, but for the first time as a man, a man who loves a woman, and who wants to hold her and provide for her, and yes-have sex with her, but no seriously Katie, I love the way you laugh and I love the way your hair smells and I love it that sometimes for no reason you're late for shool, and I don't care that you're bowlegged and I don't care that you're bilingual, all I know is that I would have said no to every single person on your list because I've always wanted you.

Gene:
...I've seen more f***ed up sh*t out there in five minutes than you've seen in your whole life.

Gary:
Well, I'm sorry Gene, and if I could change history I would, but-

Gene:
F*** you! Now we need fifteen gallons of bug juice by snack time, do you know where the powder packets are?

Gary:
Yeah.

Gene:
In the pantry above the sink, right next to my bottle of dick cream, Wait... Forget that last comment.

Gary:
Did you say dick cream?

Gene:
No! I said ... stick... team, you know stick team! Stickball! Go away! Leave me alone!

J.J.:
He gets so uncomfortable whenever we talk openly about sexual issues. You know he's never been with a girl before.

Gary:
McKinley needs to experience "The Ultimate". And I think you know what I'm talking about.

J.J.:
You mean, penis-in-vagina?

Gary:
No, d*ckhead. Sex.

Katie:
Well, I just wanna spend some time with you, you know? It's our last day at camp.

Andy:
My butt itches.

Katie:
What are you talking about? Hey, we're soulmates, right?

Andy:
What? Yeah, whatever, if you want... J.J., save me a waffle man!

Beth:
McKinley, four lower campers are stuck in the ropes course. I meant to tell you about that yesterday, but could you get to it now?

Coop:
I love sluts! Sluts rock! It's just, you know, it's just gotta be the right slut, you know?

Coop:
[to Katie] I want you inside me!

Coop:
As everybody knows, this week is the big culminating, climactic game against evil Camp Tigerclaw. We have put together an unlikely team of misfits, and we've been training like crazy all summer. Yeah, it's a motley crew that you'd think would never be able to win a single game. We had a kooky training period where it seemed like... well, it seemed like NOTHING was gonna go right. But, guys, somehow we made it to the finals. So I say, when those anonymously evil campers from Camp Tigerclaw get here, we give it our best shot, and we try to come from behind at the last minute with some weird trick play that we made up and we win the game. What do you say, team?