When Harry Met Sally...

Sally Albright:
Harry, you're going to have to try and find a way of not expressing every feeling that you have, every moment that you have them.

Harry Burns:
Repeat after me. Pepper.

Sally Albright:
Pepper.

Harry Burns:
Pepper.

Sally Albright:
Pepper.

Harry Burns:
Waiter, there is too much pepper on my paprikash.

Sally Albright:
Waiter, there is too much pepper on my paprikash.

Harry Burns:
But I would be proud to partake of your pecan pie.

Harry Burns:
I've been doing a lot of thinking, and the thing is, I love you.

Sally Albright:
What?

Harry Burns:
I love you.

Sally Albright:
How do you expect me to respond to this?

Harry Burns:
How about, you love me too.

Sally Albright:
How about, I'm leaving.

Harry Burns:
I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

Harry Burns:
You were going to be a gymnast.

Sally Albright:
A journalist.

Harry Burns:
Right, that's what I said.

Harry Burns:
Why are you getting so upset? This is not about you.

Sally Albright:
I don't have to take this crap from you.

Harry Burns:
If you're so over Joe, why aren't you seeing anyone?

Sally Albright:
I see people.

Harry Burns:
See people? Have you slept with one person since you broke up with Joe?

Sally Albright:
What the hell does that have to do with anything? That will prove I'm over Joe? Because I f*** somebody? Harry, you're gonna have to move back to New Jersey because you've slept with everybody in New York and I don't see that turning Helen into a faint memory for you. Besides, I will make love to somebody when it is making love. Not the way you do it like you're out for revenge or something.

Harry Burns:
...Are you finished now?

Sally Albright:
...Yes.

Harry Burns:
Can I say something?

Sally Albright:
Yes.

Harry Burns:
...I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Jess:
Emily is terrific.

Harry Burns:
Yeah. But of course when I asked where she was when Kennedy was shot she said, "Ted Kennedy was shot?"

Jess:
No.

Sally Albright:
Well, if you must know, it was because he was very jealous, and I had these days of the week underpants.

Harry Burns:
Ehhhh. I'm sorry. I need the judges ruling on this. "Days of the weeks underpants"?

Sally Albright:
Yes. They had the days of the week on them, and I thought they were sort of funny. And then one day Sheldon says to me, "You never wear Sunday." It was all suspicious. Where was Sunday? Where had I left Sunday? And I told him, and he didn't believe me.

Harry Burns:
What?

Sally Albright:
They don't make Sunday.

Harry Burns:
Why not?

Sally Albright:
Because of God.

Harry Burns:
Right now everything is great, everyone is happy, everyone is in love and that is wonderful. But you gotta know that sooner or later you're gonna be screaming at each other about who's gonna get this dish. This eight dollar dish will cost you a thousand dollars in phone calls to the legal firm of That's Mine, This Is Yours.

Marie:
Harry.

Harry Burns:
Please, Jess, Marie. Do me a favor, for your own good, put your name in your books right now before they get mixed up and you won't know whose is whose. 'Cause someday, believe it or not, you'll go 15 rounds over who's gonna get this coffee table. This stupid, wagon wheel, Roy Rogers, garage sale COFFEE TABLE.

Jess:
I thought you liked it?

Harry Burns:
I was being nice.

Sally Albright:
Is Harry bringing anybody to the wedding?

Marie:
I don't think so.

Sally Albright:
Is he seeing anybody?

Marie:
He was seeing this anthropologist, but...

Sally Albright:
What's she look like?

Marie:
Thin. Pretty. Big tits. Your basic nightmare.

Jess:
"Baby talk"? That's not a saying.

Harry Burns:
Oh, but "baby fish mouth" is sweeping the nation? I hear them talking.

Sally Albright:
You see? That is just like you, Harry. You say things like that, and you make it impossible for me to hate you.

Harry Burns:
Had my dream again where I'm making love, and the Olympic judges are watching. I'd nailed the compulsories, so this is it, the finals. I got a 9.8 from the Canadians, a perfect 10 from the Americans, and my mother, disguised as an East German judge, gave me a 5.6. Must have been the dismount.

Harry Burns:
You know, I have a theory that hieroglyphics are just an ancient comic strip about a character named Sphinxy.

Harry Burns:
You realize of course that we could never be friends.

Sally Albright:
Why not?

Harry Burns:
What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.

Sally Albright:
That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.

Harry Burns:
No you don't.

Sally Albright:
Yes I do.

Harry Burns:
No you don't.

Sally Albright:
Yes I do.

Harry Burns:
You only think you do.

Sally Albright:
You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?

Harry Burns:
No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.

Sally Albright:
They do not.

Harry Burns:
Do too.

Sally Albright:
They do not.

Harry Burns:
Do too.

Sally Albright:
How do you know?

Harry Burns:
Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.

Sally Albright:
So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?

Harry Burns:
No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.

Sally Albright:
What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?

Harry Burns:
Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.

Sally Albright:
Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.

Harry Burns:
I guess not.

Sally Albright:
That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

Marie:
I don't think he's every going to leave her.

Sally:
I know he's never going to leave her.

Marie:
You're right, you're right. I know you're right.

Harry Burns:
And was it worth it? The sacrifice for a friend you don't even keep in touch with?

Sally Albright:
Harry, you might not believe this, but I never considered not sleeping with you a sacrifice.

Harry Burns:
You take someone to the airport, its clearly the beginning of the relationship. That's why I have never taken anyone to the airport at the beginning of a relationship.

Sally Albright:
Why?

Harry Burns:
Because eventually things move on and you don't take someone to the airport and I never wanted anyone to say to me, How come you never take me to the airport anymore?

Sally Albright:
Its amazing. You look like a normal person but actually you are the angel of death.

Harry Burns:
Would you like to have dinner?... Just friends.

Sally Albright:
I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends.

Harry Burns:
When did I say that?

Sally Albright:
On the ride to New York.

Harry Burns:
No, no, no, I never said that... Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can... This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted... That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say "No, no, no it's not true, nothing is missing from the relationship," the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends.

Harry Burns:
There are two kinds of women: high maintenance and low maintenance.

Sally Albright:
Which one am I?

Harry Burns:
You're the worst kind. You're high maintenance but you think you're low maintenance.

Sally Albright:
You know, I'm so glad I never got involved with you. I just would have ended up being some woman you had to get up out of bed and leave at 3:00 in the morning and go clean your andirons, and you don't even have a fireplace, not that I would know this.

Sally Albright:
Most women at one time or another have faked it.

Harry Burns:
Well, they haven't faked it with me.

Sally Albright:
How do you know?

Harry Burns:
Because I know.

Sally Albright:
Oh. Right. Thats right. I forgot. Youre a man.

Harry Burns:
What was that supposed to mean?

Sally Albright:
Nothing. Its just that all men are sure it never happened to them and all women at one time or other have done it so you do the math.

Harry Burns:
I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

Harry Burns:
With whom did you have this great sex?

Sally Albright:
I'm not going to tell you that.

Harry Burns:
Fine, don't tell me.

Sally Albright:
Shel Gordon.

Harry Burns:
Shel? Sheldon? No, no, you did not have great sex with Sheldon.

Sally Albright:
I did too.

Harry Burns:
No you didn't. A Sheldon can do your income taxes, if you need a root canal, Sheldon's your man... but humpin' and pumpin' is not Sheldon's strong suit. It's the name. 'Do it to me Sheldon, you're an animal Sheldon, ride me big Shel-don.' Doesn't work.

Sally Albright:
Amanda mentioned you had a dark side.

Harry Burns:
That's what drew her to me.

Sally Albright:
Your dark side?

Harry Burns:
Sure. Why? Don't you have a dark side? I know, you're probably one of those cheerful people who dot their "i's" with little hearts.

Sally Albright:
I have just as much of a dark side as the next person.

Harry Burns:
Oh, really? When I buy a new book, I read the last page first. That way, in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my friend, is a dark side.

Jess:
Marriages don't break up on account of infidelity. It's just a symptom that something else is wrong.

Harry Burns:
Oh really? Well, that "symptom" is f***ing my wife.

Sally Albright:
But I'd like the pie heated and I don't want the ice cream on top, I want it on the side, and I'd like strawberry instead of vanilla if you have it, if not then no ice cream just whipped cream but only if it's real; if it's out of the can then nothing.

Marie:
All I'm saying is that somewhere out there is the man you are supposed to marry. And if you don't get him first, somebody else will, and you'll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that somebody else is married to your husband

Harry Burns:
No man can be friends with a woman he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.

Sally Albright:
So you are saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?

Harry Burns:
No, you pretty much want to nail them too.

Harry Burns:
You know how a year to a person is like seven years to a dog?

Sally Albright:
Is one of us supposed to be a DOG in this scenario?

Harry Burns:
Yes.

Sally Albright:
Who is the dog?

Harry Burns:
You are.

Sally Albright:
I am? I am the dog? I am the dog?

Jess:
You made a woman meow?

Marie:
The point is, he just spent $120 on a new nightgown for his wife. I don't think he's ever gonna leave her.

Sally Albright:
No one thinks he's ever gonna leave her.

Marie:
You're right, you're right, I know you're right.

Harry Burns:
The fact that you're not answering leads me to believe that (a) You're not home, (b) You're home but you don't want to talk to me, or (c) You're home, desperately want to talk to me, but you're trapped under something heavy. If it's either (a) or (c), please give me a call.

Sally Albright:
I am not your consolation prize, Harry.

Harry Burns:
How long do you like to be held after sex? All night, right? See, that's your problem. Somewhere between 30 seconds and all night is your problem.

Sally Albright:
I don't have a problem.

Harry Burns:
Yes, you do.

Sally Albright:
Well, basically it's the same dream I've been having since I was twelve.

Harry Burns:
Which is?

Sally Albright:
Okay, there's this guy...

Harry Burns:
What does he look like?

Sally Albright:
I don't know, he's just sort of faceless.

Harry Burns:
Faceless guy, okay.

Sally Albright:
He RIPS off my clothes.

Harry Burns:
And?

Sally Albright:
That's it.

Harry Burns:
That's it? Some faceless guy rips off all your clothes, and THAT'S the sex fantasy you've been having since you were twelve?

Sally Albright:
Well sometimes I vary it a little.

Harry Burns:
Which part?

Sally Albright:
What I'm wearing.

Sally Albright:
Yes it is. You are a human affront to all women and I am a woman.

Marie:
Tell me I'll never have to be out there again.

Jess:
You'll never have to be out there again.

Marie:
Everybody thinks they have good taste and a sense of humor but they couldn't possibly all have good taste.

Marie:
Restaurants are to people in the 80's what theatres were to people in the 60's. I read it in a magazine.

Jess:
I wrote that.

Marie:
Get out of here.

Jess:
I did.

Marie:
Where did I read that?

Jess:
New York magazine

Harry:
Sally writes for New York magazine

Jess:
Draw SOMETHING resembling ANYTHING.

Sally:
He just met her... She's supposed to be his transitional person, she's not supposed to be the ONE. All this time I thought he didn't want to get married. But, the truth is, he didn't want to marry me. He didn't love me.

Harry:
If you could take him back now, would you?

Sally:
No. But why didn't he want to marry me? What's the matter with me?

Harry:
Nothing.

Sally:
I'm difficult.

Harry:
You're challenging.

Sally:
I'm too structured, I'm completely closed off.

Harry:
But in a good way.

Sally:
No, no, no, I drove him away. AND, I'm gonna be forty.

Harry:
When?

Sally:
Someday.

Harry:
In eight years.

Sally:
But it's there. It's just sitting there, like some big dead end. And it's not the same for men. Charlie Chaplin had kids when he was 73.

Harry:
Yeah, but he was too old to pick them up.

Harry:
When I buy a new book, I always read the last page first. That way, in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my friend, is a dark side.

Sally:
That doesn't mean you're deep or anything. I mean, yes, basically I'm a happy person...

Harry:
So am I.

Sally:
...and I don't see that there's anything wrong with that.

Harry:
Of course not. You're too busy being happy. Do you ever think about death?

Sally:
Yes.

Harry:
Sure you do. A fleeting thought that drifts in and out of the transom of your mind. I spend hours, I spend days...

Sally:
- and you think this makes you a better person?

Harry:
Look, when the sh*t comes down, I'm gonna be prepared and you're not, that's all I'm saying.

Sally:
And in the meantime, you're gonna ruin your whole life waiting for it.

Harry:
You know you just get to a certain point where you get tired of the whole thing.

Sally:
What "whole thing"?

Harry:
The whole life-of-a-single-guy thing. You meet someone, you have the safe lunch, you decide you like each other enough to move on to dinner. You go dancing, you do the white-man's over-bite, go back to her place, you have sex and the minute you're finished you know what goes through your mind? How long do I have to lie here and hold her before I can get up and go home. Is thirty seconds enough?

Sally:
That's what you're thinking? Is that true?

Harry:
Sure! All men think that. How long do you want to be held afterwards? All night, right? See there's your problem, somewhere between thirty seconds and all night is your problem.

Sally:
I don't have a problem!

Harry:
Yeah you do.

Harry:
I knew the whole time that even though we were happy, it was just an illusion and that one day she would kick the sh*t out of me.

Jess:
Marriages don't break up on account of infidelity - it's just a symptom that something else is wrong.

Harry:
Oh really? Well, that symptom is f***ing my wife.

Harry:
You know, the first time we met, I really didn't like you that much -

Sally:
I didn't like you.

Harry:
Yeah you did. You were just so uptight then. You're much softer now.

Sally:
You know, I hate that kind of remark. It sounds like a compliment, but really it's an insult.

Harry:
OK, you're still as hard as nails.

Sally:
I just didn't want to sleep with you, and you had to write it off as a character flaw instead of dealing with the possibility that it might have something to do with you.

Harry:
What's the statute of limitations on apologies?

Sally:
Ten years.

Harry:
Ooh. I can just get it in under the wire.

Sally:
Harry, would you like to have dinner with me sometime?

Harry:
Great. A woman friend. You know, you may be the first attractive woman I've not wanted to sleep with in my entire life.

Sally:
That's great, Harry.

Jess:
I don't understand this relationship.

Harry:
What do you mean?

Jess:
You enjoy being with her?

Harry:
Yeah.

Jess:
You find her attractive?

Harry:
Yeah.

Jess:
And you're not sleeping with her.

Harry:
No.

Jess:
You're afraid to let yourself be happy.

Harry:
Why can't you give me credit for this? This is a big thing for me. I never had a relationship with a woman that didn't involve sex. I feel like I'm growing.

...

Harry:
It's very freeing. I can say anything to her.

Jess:
Are you saying you can say things to her you can't say to me?

Harry:
Nah, it's just different. It's a whole new perspective. I get the woman's point of view on things. She tells me about the men she goes out with and I can talk to her about the women that I see.

Jess:
You tell her about other women.

Harry:
Yeah. Like the other night. I made love to this woman, and it was so incredible, I took her to a place that wasn't human, she actually meowed.

Jess:
You made a woman meow?

Harry:
Yeah. That's the point, I can say these things to her. And the great thing is, I don't have to lie because I'm not always thinking about how to get her into bed. I can just be myself.

Jess:
You made a woman meow?

Harry:
[while watching Casablanca] There are two kinds of women: high maintenance and low maintenance.

Sally:
And Ingrid Bergman is low maintenance?

Harry:
An L.M. Definitely.

Sally:
Which one am I?

Harry:
You're the worst kind; you're high maintenance but you think you're low maintenance.

Sally:
I don't see that.

Harry:
You don't see that? Waiter, I'll begin with a house salad, but I don't want the regular dressing. I'll have the balsamic vinegar and oil, but on the side. And then the salmon with the mustard sauce, but I want the mustard sauce on the side. "On the side" is a very big thing for you.

Sally:
Well, I just want it the way I want it.

Harry:
I know; high maintenance.

Sally:
You know, I am so glad I never got involved with you. I just would have ended up being some woman you had to get up out of bed and leave at three o'clock in the morning and go clean your andirons. And you don't even have a fireplace.

Harry:
Why are you getting so upset about this?

Sally:
You are a human affront to all women. And I am a woman.

Harry:
I think they have an OK time.

Sally:
How do you know?

Harry:
What do you mean how do I know? I know.

Sally:
Because they...

Harry:
Yes, because they...

Sally:
And how do you know that they really...

Harry:
What are you saying, that they fake orgasm?

Sally:
It's possible.

Harry:
Get outta here!

Sally:
Why? Most women at one time or another have faked it.

Harry:
Well they haven't faked it with me.

Sally:
How do you know?

Harry:
Because I know.

Sally:
Oh, right, that's right, I forgot, you're a man.

Harry:
What is that supposed to mean?

Sally:
Nothing. It's just that all men are sure it never happened to them and that most women at one time or another have done it so you do the math.

Harry:
You don't think that I could tell the difference?

Sally:
No.

Harry:
Get outta here.

[Sally begins to fake an orgasm]

Harry:
Are you OK?

[Sally continues very audibly, attracting the attention of nearly every customer in the cafe. Afterwards, she returns to eating her dessert]

Older Woman Customer:
[to waiter] I'll have what she's having. Note: the bolded line is ranked #33 in the American Film Institute's list of the top 100 movie quotations in American cinema.

Sally:
[Crying hysterically] And I'm going to be forty!

Harry:
When?

Sally:
Someday!

Harry:
In eight years!

Sally:
But it's there! It's like a big dead end! And it's not the same for men -- Charlie Chaplin had kids in his 70's!

Harry:
Yeah, but he was too old to pick them up.

Harry:
Why can't we get past this? I mean, are we gonna carry this thing around forever?

Sally:
Forever? It just happened!

Harry:
It happened three weeks ago. You know how a year to a person is like seven years to a dog?

Sally:
Yes. Is one of us supposed to be a dog in this scenario?

Harry:
Yes.

Sally:
Who is the dog?

Harry:
You are.

Sally:
I am? I am the dog? I am the dog?

Harry:
Um-hmm.

Sally:
I am the dog. I-I don't see that, Harry. If anybody is the dog, you are the dog. You want to act like what happened didn't mean anything.

Harry:
I'm not saying it didn't mean anything. I am saying why does it have to mean everything?

Sally:
Because it does! And you should know that better than anybody because the minute that it happens, you walk right out the door.

Harry:
I didn't walk out.

Sally:
No, sprinted is more like it.

Harry:
We both agreed it was a mistake.

Sally:
The worst mistake I ever made.

Harry:
What do you want from me?

Sally:
I don't want anything from you!

Harry:
Fine. Fine, but let's just get one thing straight. I did not go over there that night to make love to you, that is not why I went there. But you looked up at me with these big weepy eyes, don't go home night Harry, hold me a little longer Harry. What was I supposed to do?

Sally:
What are you saying, you took pity on me?

Harry:
No, I was...

Sally:
F*** you! [slaps Harry]

Harry:
I've been doing a lot of thinking, and the thing is, I love you.

Sally:
What?

Harry:
I love you.

Sally:
How do you expect me to respond to this?

Harry:
How about, you love me too?

Sally:
How about, I'm leaving?

Harry:
Doesn't what I said mean anything to you?

Sally:
I'm sorry, Harry. I know it's New Year's Eve. I know you're feeling lonely, but you just can't show up here, tell me you love me, and expect that to make everything all right. It doesn't work this way.

Harry:
Well, how does it work?

Sally:
I don't know, but not this way.

Harry:
How about this way? I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

Sally:
You see? That is just like you, Harry. You say things like that, and you make it impossible for me to hate you, and I hate you, Harry. I really hate you. I hate you.

[They kiss]

I’ll have what she’s having.

Sally:
At least I got the apartment.

Harry:
That's what everyone says. But, really, what's so hard about finding an apartment? What you do is look in the obituary section. You see who died, find out where they lived, and tip the doorman. What they could do to make it easier is combine the two. You know, Mr. Kline died yesterday, leaving behind a wife, two children, and a spacious three bedroom apartment with a wood burning fireplace.

Sally:
The first date back is always the toughest, Harry.

Harry:
You only had one date. How do you know it's not going to get worse?

Sally:
How much worse can it get than finishing dinner, having him reach over, pull a hair out of my head and start flossing with it at the table?

Harry:
We're talking dream date compared to my horror. It started out fine, she's a very nice person, and we're sitting and we're talking at this Ethiopian restaurant that she wanted to go to. And I was making jokes, you know like, "Hey I didn't know that they had food in Ethiopia? This will be a quick meal. I'll order two empty plates and we can leave." [she laughs] Yeah, nothing from her not even a smile.

Sally:
I went to bed at 7... 30 last night. I haven't done that since the 3rd grade.

Harry:
That's the good thing about depression. You get your rest.

Harry:
[about Auld Lang Syne] What does this song mean? My whole life, I don't know what this song means. I mean, 'Should old acquaintance be forgot'. Does that mean that we should forget old acquaintances? Or does it mean that if we happened to forget them, we should remember them, which is not possible because we already forgot 'em?

Sally:
Well, maybe it just means that... we should remember that we forgot them, or something. [laughs] Anyway, it's about old friends.

[They kiss]