Whole Nine Yards

Jill St. Claire:
I'm still a virgin. I mean I haven't killed anyone yet.

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski:
It's not important how many people I've killed. What's important is how I get along with the people who are still alive.

Frankie Figs:
You know, I can't think of nothing finer than a fine naked woman holding a gun.

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski:
Everybody dies. Sooner or later.

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski:
I'm gonna keep the coke and the fries but I'm gonna send this burger back. And if you put any mayonnaise on it, I'm gonna come over to your house, I'll chop your legs off, set fire to your house, and watch as you drag your bloody stumps out the door.

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski:
But just so you know, I am disappointed, Oz. I am extremely disappointed with you.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
Believe me, you are the last person I would ever want to disappoint, but everything I everything I did, was for love.

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski:
Yeah, whatever.

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski:
I take it you're not Canadian.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
Only by marriage.

Cynthia Tudeski:
Promise me something.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
Anything.

Cynthia Tudeski:
You'll go slow. I haven't made love in five years.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
Neither have I. I've been married.

Janni Gogolack:
You know I have this same car?

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
Really?

Janni Gogolack:
No.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
Oh, and don't forget the corpse.

Cynthia Tudeski:
Have you vomited recently?

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
A minute ago. I was just gonna brush my teeth.

Cynthia Tudeski:
I'll wait.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
OK, OK. Let's say that he did make a pass at you. The guy's been in prison for five years. He's desperate. He'd sleep with a meat grinder.

Jill St. Claire:
You don't like the Walther?

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski:
I think you should go with what you're comfortable with.

Jill St. Claire:
It's what James Bond uses.

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski:
Really?

Jill St. Claire:
Yeah.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
Damn it, Jimmy. What the hell did you have to go and move in next door to me?

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski:
Oz, do you know what kind of soil they have in this back yard? I've been here two days and I've got little tomato plants...

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
Oh my God.

Janni Gogolack:
Expecting a call?

Cynthia Tudeski:
Explain to me how that's any of your business.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
I swear, I am not gonna let anybody kill you.

Cynthia Tudeski:
Under the circumstances, I think that's probably the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
Thanks.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
He sa... he said you guys haven't even met.

Sophie Oseransky:
Who you going to believe? A contract killer or your wife?

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
Do I have to answer that?

Jimmy:
You like living in Canada?

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
No, I live here with my wife.

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski:
Every red-blooded American knows that the only condiment that you are ever supposed to put on a hamburger is KETCHUP! Or MAYBE some of that SPECIAL SAUCE you like so much here in Canada; which I think has a little bit of mayonnaise in it too! But I swear to God when they start slapping that mayonnaise on there I could kill somebody.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
Uh... it's room service. Before I vomited I ordered scotch.

Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski:
The great and powerful Oz.

Jill St. Claire:
Your wife is not a nice person.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
You're expecting an arguement?

Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski:
You're a dentist?

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
Afraid so.

Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski:
You suicidal?

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
Why would you say that?

Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski:
Well, I read that dentists are prone to suicide.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
Look, Jimmy, I may hate my life, but I certainly don't want to die.

Franklin 'Frankie Figs'Figueroa:
Aren't you gonna cry out for help?

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
Would it do any good?

Franklin 'Frankie Figs'Figueroa:
...No.

Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski:
Friends do not engage in sexual congress with each other's wives.

Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski:
I'm telling you this like a friend because if you screw this up - I would hate to... I would really hate to have to kill you. I would hate it more than mayonnaise. You know how much I hate mayonnaise.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
Why did you kill him?

Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski:
Well, I had to kill one of you.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
Well, then you definitely made the right decision. But why did you have to kill him?

Cynthia Tudeski:
But he knows I don't want to be married to him anymore, and like I said, he doesn't believe in divorce.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
But murder he's okay with.?

Cynthia Tudeski:
It's what he does.

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski:
You know this whole... sneaking into the house thing, to try to kill me? You guys are really good! You really... heh heh heh... bye, Janni!

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski:
Will you listen to yourself? What are you talkin' about, you love her? You just met her!

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski:
He said he's in love with Cynthia!

Frankie Figs:
No sh*t!

Jill St. Claire:
So SHE'S the one!

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski:
She's the one what?

Jill St. Claire:
The one he schtupped in Chicago!

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski:
The one he...

Jill St. Claire:
Are you going alone?

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
Yes.

Jill St. Claire:
Good, can you do me a huge favor while you're there? Go out, and get laid.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
Jill!

Jill St. Claire:
And call me the second you get back. Better yet, call me right after. Call me during! I want all the details!

Sophie Oseransky:
You do this for me, and I give you your divorce. And if you don't do this for me, I swear I'll make your life so damn miserable it will make these past few years look like a pleasure cruise.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
All right, maybe he won't come after us. Maybe he'll just let us go.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
All right, maybe I can talk with him, reason with him. I mean, we're friends now, right?

Cynthia Tudeski:
That's what Harry Lefkowitz thought.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
What happened to Harry Lefkowitz?

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
I don't want to know what happened to Harry Lefkowitz.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
This would be sad if it wasn't so pathetic.

Franklin 'Frankie Figs'Figueroa:
You what? You told Jimmy? What the hell did you do that for?

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
I felt sorry for him! I like him. Well, I liked him?

Franklin 'Frankie Figs'Figueroa:
So you don't like him no more?

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
Well, it's a little hard to maintain a friendship with a man who wants to kill you.

Franklin 'Frankie Figs'Figueroa:
If you sold my ass out to Janni, then told me about it, I'd want to ice your ass, too!

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
I know.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
You know, I can close that gap for you.

Franklin 'Frankie Figs'Figueroa:
Really?

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
Yeah, you'd be in and out.

Franklin 'Frankie Figs'Figueroa:
You're kidding. This thing right here?

Franklin 'Frankie Figs'Figueroa:
Oz, I just wanted to be sure it was you. Everybody's inside. By the way,

Franklin 'Frankie Figs'Figueroa:
Huevos grandes, amigo!

Franklin 'Frankie Figs'Figueroa:
My brother, believe me, you don't want to dance with me all night.

Janni Gogolack:
My father is a great man. A man of wision, and character. A man who stood up for his beliefs. Unlike that rat F***, piece of SH*T... Tudeski.

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski:
You're a lucky guy, Oz.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
Why would you say that?

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski:
You're about to find out if the woman you love loves you. You know, if it were me, in her position, I'd just take the money and run.

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
So what are you betting on?

Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski:
I'm betting on love. Love for you means money for me. And like I said before, I'd really hate to have to kill you.

Janni Gogolack:
I vant you to understand, when it comes to Yimmy Tudeski, we're not talking about a human being. We're talking about a rodent! We're talking about wermin!

Janni Gogolack:
Where was I?

Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky:
Wermin, I think. Wermin.

Janni Gogolack:
We're talking about someone - SCREW THAT! - some THING that doesn't deserve to be breathing. The AIR!