George W. Bush:
One time, I did convince all the family to come down here one Easter. I took all the Bush men - Dad, Jeb, Neil, Marvin - on a tour of an old abandoned mineshaft I found on the outskirts of the ranch. It was fun, all the Bush guys reminiscing, clowning around in an old abandoned mineshaft, when wouldn't you know, it collapses on us. We'd be trapped for three days, and the whole while, my Dad's up my ass saying things like, "Goddammit, George! Did you test this shaft to see if it was safe?" I'm like, "No! Of course not! It's just an abandoned mineshaft, you just go climb around in it! Besides, I thought you'd like it, 'cause it's historical!" And then Jeb's like, "Everyone shut up, we've gotta conserve oxygen!" I'm like, "I don't give a sh*t! God's got a plan for me! If this is the way I go, then this is the way I go!" Then my Dad's like, "Gimme a f***ing break! Did you tell anyone where we were going?" And I'm like, "No! I didn't! I only thought we'd be gone an hour!" He's like, "You've gotta be kidding me!" All of a sudden, Marvin starts screaming, "I crushed my maid with a car!" And Neil starts yelling, "I once had sex with thirty Thai hookers at once!" And then Jeb's like, "I'm being serious, let's conserve oxygen!" I'm like, "Enough with the damn oxygen!" And my Dad's like, "Why are you the only one in this family that speaks with a Texas accent? It makes no sense!" I'm like, "Do I? Do I have an accent? 'Cause if I do, I can't hear it!" And just then, as my Dad was about to lunge for my neck, we heard some rocks moving, and outside was my Mom, all ripped and muscular, throwing boulders away from the opening of the mineshaft. She then pulled us out one by one and placed us on a cart, and pulled the cart like a powerful draft horse all the way back home, her deltoids twitching, her loins covered in a milky white froth. It was one of the most gross and impressive things I'd ever seen. I was crying and barfing all at the same time.
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