World's Worst Director

Katie:
These monologues are so weird. You know, you usually get a little stressed during auditions?

Moses:
Do I?

Katie:
Well, yes.

Moses:
I guess, I'm just trying to not get stressed out, trying not to be mean. You know, I was really thinking. Maybe this time, I should try and be more relaxed and less worried.

Katie:
Wow.

Katie:
In her interview: Wow, I'm really impressed. I'm not gonna hold my breath. But, I'm impressed.

Moses:
Hey, this is the first time I'm gonna see my potential cast members, why should they see me all stressed out and angry.

Katie:
Good plan.

Sharon:
So, I wanted to tell you that I am willing to do anything: the lead, supporting, guest, even a quick no-line cameo. I am also willing to drink, smoke, do drugs, nudity, anything. There is not a single thing you can ask me, that I will not do.

Katie:
Wow. Did you hear that Moses?

Moses:
Mhmm.

Sharon:
Yep, anything you want. I feel that become a better actress is also about the experience. It helps you grow as a performer. And one of the most important things that I could do for myself, is just let go.

Carrie:
Let go?

Sharon:
Just let myself go, and do anything the director says. No questions asked. Just do it. And so far it's been great for me. I've played so many interested roles, and have performed on both sides of spectrum.

Carrie:
Spectrum.

Sharon:
Of performance?

Carrie:
I don't understand...

Sharon:
So, bottom line. Tell me to jump, I'll jump. No matter the height, no matter the challenge, no matter the danger.

Katie:
Wow.

Sharon:
I know!

Mason:
Wait, please let me do something else. Let me do a monologue for you.

Katie:
You prepared a monologue?

Mason:
Yes. It's from Hamlet.

Moses:
Great... a Shakespeare monologue.

Mason:
And when I said Hamlet, I was lying.

Moses:
So you don't have a monologue from Hamlet?

Mason:
Not anymore?

Mason:
I'll just sit here. Don't say anything. Don't do anything. You don't have to look at me. In fact, you don't have to even think that I'm here. Erase me from your mind. I'm invisible. Not here. I do not exist. I'm just sitting here, and will continue to sit here, until you realize that I'm here. Sitting. Waiting. Here. Right here. And if you need me... I'm here.

Eddie:
I haven't decided yet if I'm gonna take the role. It's a tough decision. Carrie told me that Moses says it's a very dramatic role that has some pretty intense scenes towards the end of season 1. But, I don't know. I have to think about it. Oh, what was the role? Henry... the gay prostitute.

Cherri:
The name's Cherri with an "I". C-H-E-R-R... I. But, don't be fooled, been popped since I was thirteen! Glad to meetch ya. At this is Charlie.

Charlie:
Yo.

Cherri:
I know whatcha thinkin, if you squint really hard, you can see Rihanna, right? In fact, that's how we met. I was at the bar, and believe me I was drunk, but still I turned around and there she was. All sittin alone by herself. One single ray of light shining across her beautiful face. There she was, my Jennifer Hudson. Of course, the next day, when I rolled over in my bed, it wasn't Jennifer. But, instead it was the woman I knew I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. Charlie.

Charlie:
Yo.

Cherri:
When I was reading the first episode of Perfect People I smelt a masterpiece. Genius! And when I closed my eyes and tried to picture these characters inside my mind, I saw this wooden door with golden lettering on it. It read: "Welcome to Tour de Force". I think I was in France. But it didn't matter where I was, just that when I opened the door, I was in a living room. And do you know who was in the living room? It was all the characters from our drama.

Katie:
Ours?

Cherri:
I would've brought you with me, too, but they haven't yet invented anything that can let me bring you into my mind. Someday. Someday. Anyway, they all said "Hello" to me. And I said "Hi", and they invited me to dine with them.

Katie:
I'm leaving.

Cherri:
So while I was with them, I analyzed what they were wearing. Because of course I was seeing this all in my mind, so it's okay to copy what I saw. And do you know what I saw? Glamorous! Stunning! Beautiful! Outstanding! Alluring! Amazing! And of course, PINK! PINK! PINK! PINK! PINK! PINK! PINK! PINK! PINK!

Katie:
No.

Cherri:
Glamorous! Stunning! Beaut...

Katie:
NO!

Cherri:
You're interrupting my presentation.

Katie:
Lady, your presentation is done!

Cherri:
I saw your characters.

Katie:
Just because you saw them in your peanut sized brain, doesn't mean you're right.

Cherri:
Hey!

Moses:
Katie!

Charlie:
What did you say about my girlfriend!

Moses:
Everyone relax!

Cherri:
I'm the costume designer, b*tch!

Katie:
You are not the costume designer!

Cherri:
So for Sharon, I was thinkin. Pink dresses. Pink shoes. High heels of course. With little white bows on the end. Pink lipsticks. Not hot pink, Barbie, it has to be Barbie. Once you go Barbie you can't go back.

Katie:
Don't you think that is a little too perky?

Cherri:
Well you wouldn't know perky, if it was dancing in your pants. Now would'ya?

Katie:
Umm...

Moses:
Well, I actually we were talking earlier and I was thinking that we should just go a more dark colors route.

Cherri:
What do you mean, like gothic retro? I can do that honey. The spiked boots, rock star hair, red streaks? I can do anything! Believe me, I can get my hands on a whole truck full of leather clothes. The bikers back on route 6, you see, they owe me a favor.

Cherri:
Now, I have to ask you. How much in your budget are you willing to spend on costumes?

Katie:
Well, we spent $35 for lunch today, so... Negative $35.

Moses:
And I am very happy that you are interested, but I just don't agree with the direction you're going in.

Cherri:
Well maybe your direction is wrong. Don't you want a masterpiece?

Moses:
ARE YOU -...

Moses:
I will kill her.

Katie:
I think she was just tired.

Moses:
I don't care if she hasn't slept in three days. I don't care if her mother is dying of rabies and she's been by her bed side wiping the foam off her lips. She's a freakin actress. You're on camera; I called "action", now you act. You put it all in. And she wants to be a professional actress? Come on, no director would put up with that.

Katie:
Okay, we'll it's over with. We're done. You never have to work with her again.

Moses:
I guess... I mean...

Katie:
No, you're done. It's time to move on.

Moses:
I just really feel like she should know...

Katie:
No!

Moses:
I just want to talk to her for a second. It'll be good for you.

Katie:
God help me, Moses. Please, don't!

Moses:
But...

Katie:
My name is Katie Arbrook. I've been working with Moses for about three years now. It's actually a funny story, he had put an ad on this website called film 4-1-1, and he was looking for a "volunteer" assistant writer. So, I thought "resume builder". More like: "Someone stab me to death with my resume. Please.".

Allie:
I get that he's joking most of time. But, it's the demeanor. I can't tell if he's serious or not, especially if angry. He may think that he just being sarcastic, but his tone is very demeaning, or the joke is just plain horrible and not appropriate, nonetheless professional. Once, while we were on location I complained about having to go to the bathroom and he told me to shut up or he'll go to the bathroom in my mouth. What the hell?

Moses:
This isn't come joke. I'm serious. You're a diva, and the stunts you pulled on this set wouldn't fly with any director. You just had horrible behavior!

Katie:
He's gonna be slapped.

Allie:
My behavior! My behavior wasn't good. You are a piece of sh*t. You treat your assistants, your actors, and your crew like pieces of bull crap.

Moses:
Now, don't blame your issues on me-...

Allie:
You are disrespectful! You are a very mean person! You don't care about anyone else but yourself. You are the most selfish person on the face of the earth. There is an entirely new ring created in hell for you. And when you finally die, there will be a celebration held at your funeral. The entire world will cheer. You are disgusting, and it almost makes me want to try and get a bill passed to create a law for world's worst directors, a way to get you to stop "directing abuse" people, and given a lethal injection!

Katie:
Holly Sh*t.

Moses:
Listen Allie, I'm glad you got that off your chest. Now listen to me. I've been doing this a long time. So, I've begun to see the "real" acting world. The world you so want to be a part of. I'm just gonna come out and say it. You should be very thankful to me for giving you the lead in the series, because no one will ever cast you. Because of your body type and look, let's face it, there aren't really any average looking obese starts out there.

Moses:
I am not an insulting person. Please don't think that. It's just that I like to joke around. I'm very sarcastic; I don't mean what I say. So for the people who take it personally, their just idiots... again! Kidding!... But they are.

Camera Woman:
So, what do you think of the director, Moses?

Jacob:
Jacob doesn't respond.

Katie:
What are your parents doing anyway?

Moses:
My father is doing a documentary on zebra migration or something. I don't know. But, they're both there because their rekindling their love together.

Katie:
Oh, that's right. You said they were fighting.

Moses:
Well, not fighting. My dad was just so distant lately. So, they both decided to take the trip together to reconnect. Something I would rather not think about, if you know what I mean?

Katie:
Ah... yes.

Katie:
What Moses doesn't know, is that after filming, a bunch of us hang out and kind of vent about his behavior. Of course, not that many people tell him that, but we all have been witnesses to his tirades. He can get very angry sometimes, and piss a lot of people off. You just have to respect everyone. You can be firm, but don't go too far. Act professional.

Moses:
I mean, I know I've had my days, but have people told you guys in the past that I'm disrespectful?

Katie:
Hitler's brother, Satan's son, a**hole, wished he would get hit by a truck... I've heard it all.

Moses:
You can't be surprised, some people have told you this.

Katie:
First, I've told you, I don't disrespect people. I'm always kidding. Like when I make fun of you for those shirts that make you look pregnant.

Moses:
I get that. But, some people don't find it funny.

Katie:
I mean, it hurts my feelings when people say that I disrespect them. I respect all my actors, and I really do care about them. I stop respecting actors that don't respect me.

Moses:
Well, maybe you could take a different approach?

Moses:
Hm.

Moses:
I've always had problems with my anger. I will admit to yelling at people, yes. But I'm human. Some people have quit on me, telling me that I was the world's worst director. Okay. But, I will be honest. To the actors that felt like I disrespected them, it's probably because they started it. I don't respect people who don't respect me.

Mason:
I was thinking about Roger for a long time last night. And you know what, I think this is out of character.

Moses:
What?

Katie:
What do you mean?

Mason:
He just seems very cowardly. When the whole rest of the script he comes off very strong.

Moses:
We'll Mason, I think I get what you are saying. However, does anything happen to him that would maybe explain why he comes off strong after this scene?

Mason:
Ummm...

Moses:
Did he read the script?

Moses:
Like something in scene 4. Something that is like what the plot is all about, something that you should have-...

Moses:
Mason, no, I'm just saying that he comes off cowardly because he is a coward...

Mason:
But...

Moses:
And then he takes the pill. Right?

Mason:
Oh... ohhhh. Right? Sorry. That makes sense.

Moses:
Got it?

Mason:
So, first I'll just start off and say, "yes", the questions was stupid. I knew why. But, what Moses doesn't know is that I have a hidden agenda. I can't tell you anything, sorry. I mean, I think I already said to much.

Camera Woman:
We'll, no one will see this documentary until the filming is over. It's all confidential.

Mason:
Oh, well still, I don't think she'll want me to say anything. Oh crap, I shouldn't have said that. Okay, all I'm saying is that there is a plan for Moses. Moses has no idea what's coming, and when I was asked to help, and then was paid a little, and told who Moses was. I had to accept. Moses is known for insulting a lot of people, and he's emotionally degraded many, so it's time for the old saying to take place; "What goes around, comes around".

Camera Woman:
Okay.

Sharon:
I think I should be French.

Moses:
What?

Sharon:
I could have an ugly French accent. Then when I take the pill...

Moses:
I don't think...

Sharon:
It would be great.

Katie:
Nice suggestion, Sharon, but she's American. We would have to change some stuff around.

Sharon:
Okay. Yeah. What about a British accent. I am so good at that.

Moses:
She's American.

Sharon:
But, I feel it would be great for the character.

Katie:
We'll...

Sharon:
I mean this is a table reading...

Moses:
We'll table readings isn't for...

Mason:
I actually think it would be cool. We both had accents. I could be Australian.

Moses:
Australian?

Mason:
Then we start speaking normally and...

Sharon:
When they take the pill they have American accents.

Moses:
It just doesn't-...

Jennifer:
Moses, can we just jump to scene 9 for a second?

Moses:
What? Hold on!

Sharon:
Come on Moses, I think we should seriously think about the accents. It would be funny.

Moses:
This is drama.

Mason:
It would be really cool. I mean we can just walk out this door and go back to our lives. Forget that we even decide to do this.

Moses:
Mason that kind of sounds western.

Mason:
I'll work on it.

Moses:
No, don't work on it!

Moses:
THAT'S IT! No this is a drama. We are not doing accents. We are doing what's written on the page. What I wrote! My scene! I wrote it! You're going to go to the doctors, go in, take the pill, and then you are going to leave. With no accents at all!

Moses:
I think one of the reasons I'm so irritable is because of the lack of sleep. I have level 2 insomnia; I'm usually up until 3 in the morning. And when I do sleep I get at least 3 hours. I just cannot sleep. It might be because I'm always so stressed, I don't know. But, apart of trying to improve my behavior, tonight I have this plan. A friend of mine sent me this link to a hypnotherapist on the YouTube, it's supposed to work like [snaps fingers] that.

Hypnosis:
Hello, my name is Crysanthimum Felicia Moore XII Jr but enough about me, this video is about you. This video is for those of us who have trouble sleeping during nighttime, also known as insomniacs. I want you to first think of your body as a maple leaf slowly flowing down the river, you're gently swaying back and forth, feel the cool water beneath you, and the warm sun shining on your face. Don't fret darling, leaves don't need sunscreen. You see rainbow scaled fish jumping next to you, Magikarp enjoying the beauteous day, now flower petals are falling all around you, red, emerald, indigo, bluish orange, blackish white. The petals turn to balloons and you're laying in a field surrounded by them. There's one attached to each of your wrists bringing your arms up, and down, and up, and down like your flying on Aladdin's magic carpet. Your taking deep breaths now of good energy and releasing all the bad energy from you precious lungs. Now start counting down from 20. 19. 18. 17. 16. 15. 14. 13... You're asleep now, you cannot hear me anymore, only in your dreams [leans close to the camera] Goodnight my angels, see you again in dream land. I'm going to sleep now too. [Take out her pillow. "Mr. Sandman" music comes on]

Moses:
I'm telling you, who calls someone at three in the morning. Didn't his mom teach him that you stop calling people at 10:00pm and you don't call me people again until 9:00am the next day. 10:00 on weekends. Come on!

Katie:
I'm sure he didn't do it on purpose. I mean the meeting was for 8am.

Carrie:
Which thanks again for?

Moses:
Still he could've called at 7am. I mean, what, did he think I would be doing at 3am?

Katie:
Well, let's face it. We all know you don't go to sleep at a regular hour. I know that I can call you late.

Moses:
But, you wouldn't at 3am.

Katie:
Well, only because I'm normal and I'm asleep. But, Mason could have insomnia too.

Moses:
It's doesn't matter. I didn't tell him I got sleep late. How would he know?

Carrie:
Maybe you dreamed it? [Moses glares at Carrie]

Katie:
Let's just drop it. He said he wanted to come to the writer's meeting?

Moses:
Yeah.

Katie:
We'll its 8:30. We should just start

Moses:
Wakes me up at 3am, and then doesn't show up on time, he's doing pretty well for himself.

Katie:
Let's just drop it. I'm sure there is some reasonable explanation.

Moses:
Yeah, he's an actor.

Katie:
And let's the start the meeting!

Moses:
Okay. Fine. Alright, we just need to go back over the pilot. We need to make sure everything is in order; it's our pilot, the make-it-or-break-it episode, so it has to be perfect.

Moses:
A long time ago, I remember a man screaming at me "Let go son, let go. It's time to come out". And I just couldn't do it. I just held on. All I could hear was my mom screaming, but I just couldn't let go. I just had to stay there a little longer. Then I heard the man whisper to his nurse; "Okay, get the forceps". [beat] That was when I was a baby, since then, I've always felt that letting go was a problem I had. It was like I couldn't move until those forceps arrived.

Mason:
Hello?

Katie:
Mason?

Moses:
[angrily] Mason.

Mason:
I am so sorry I'm late. Moses, I'm sorry I called you so late last night.

Mason:
[In his interview:] No, I'm not.

Moses:
Really?

Mason:
You see, I was working the night shift from 11:00pm to 8:00am, and I had forgotten to call and ask if I could come to the writer's meeting. 3:00am was my only break. I thought your cell would go to voicemail, I didn't realize I would wake you.

Katie:
That seems like a reasonable explanation.

Moses:
Yes. Just next time, text me?

Mason:
Totally.

Mason:
[In his interview:] I went to sleep at 11:00pm, and set my alarm clock for 3:00am. Then woke up, called Moses, and after went back to sleep. I think I still got my nine hours of sleep. Especially, after I called. I felt good.

Carrie:
Listen, I don't want to re-write this episode. I really like what we have. Moses, I think this is a perfect time for you to practice letting go.

Moses:
Carrie...

Carrie:
No, Mason is a writer now.

Mason:
What?

Moses:
Carrie...

Carrie:
You need to let go and move on.

Moses:
CARRIE!

Mason:
I don't understand?

Carrie:
I find it funny that you feel the need to make this episode perfect, when in fact this entire web-series is about there being no such thing as perfect. It'll never be "perfect". It's a great episode, we've worked really hard, we should all be proud. Now it's time to move on. Once the rollercoaster is built, the architect may notice things he could've done differently, but he can't shut it down and change it. He moves on and works on the next ride.

Carrie:
[In her interview:] I think I'm catching the Moses bug.

Moses:
I hear what you are saying. However, the architect may not be able to change his ride, but his ride is always getting repaired.

Katie:
Good job, Carrie.

Carrie:
FINE! FINE! Let's re-write the episode. Let's "repair" it.

Katie:
So, what do you think?

Moses:
I told you, we need to just re-write the beginning.

Katie:
What? Oh, no! I wasn't talking about the script, I was talking about Mason.

Moses:
Oh, yeah, I think he's going to do well.

Katie:
Really?

Moses:
Yeah.

Katie:
You're only saying that because he agreed with what you were saying.

Moses:
So?

Katie:
I mean, you're inviting someone new to join your team.

Moses:
He's just writing...

Katie:
But-...

Moses:
I know what you're trying to do, I'm not stupid. You thought that if you brought in a third person it would be three against me. But, after Mason started siding with me-...

Katie:
That is totally ridiculously... accurate.