xXx

Xander Cage:
I wish I had a camera.

Yelena:
Why?

Xander Cage:
'Cause this is gonna be one hell of a trick.

Gibbons:
I want you to meet some people and find out whatever you can about them.

Xander Cage:
What kind of people?

Gibbons:
Dirty. Dangerous. Your kind of people.

Toby Lee Shavers:
So, how long have you been a secret agent?

Xander Cage:
Two days.

Toby Lee Shavers:
Man that sucks!

Xander Cage:
Yeah but it beats jail.

Toby Lee Shavers:
No I mean I spent 3 and half years in some windowless NSA room. I mean I got a degree. I got a degree from MIT. And I bet they picked you up pumping iron in San Quentin?

Xander Cage:
Have you ever been punched in the face for talking too much?

Gibbons:
I noticed that you have three X's on the back of your neck. That's appropriate, since your looking at three strikes.

Xander Cage:
The things I'm gonna do for my country.

Kolya:
B*tches, come!

Xander Cage:
Before you ask someone to save the world, you'd better make sure they like it the way it is.

Xander Cage:
Dude, you have a bazooka. Stop thinking Prague Police and start thinking Playstation. Blow sh*t up!

Xander Cage:
You're in the Xander Zone.

Xander Cage:
Yeah, yeah. These monkeys are following me because I just took this car. Obviously the car doesn't belong to me, it's not my style, it belongs to Dick. Dick Hotchkiss, the California state senator. You remember Dick? He's the guy who tried to ban rap music because he feels that the lyrics promote violence. It's music, Dick! He's also the guy who wants to pull every video game off every shop in the country, because he feels that the video games diminishing intelligence of our youth. Come on, Dick... It's only education we got. Dick, you're a bad man. You know what we do to bad men? We punish 'em. Dick, you've just entered... The Xander zone.

Xander Cage:
Okay, I'm coming in hot with a pat of bacon.

Caddy Driver:
Go pick the cam. Go, go, go.

Xander Cage:
Moral is... Don't be a dick, Dick.

Xander Cage:
Nothing like fresh powder.

Toby Lee Shavers:
Knocked over a few Seven Elevens, have we?

Milan Sova:
First you set me up in the bar. Then you shoot me in the back.

Xander Cage:
My boss does it to me. I did it to you. It's a vicious circle.

Yelena:
Did you enjoy that?

Xander Cage:
Yes.

Yelena:
Good, because it will never happen again.

Xander Cage:
He also wants video games banned because he believes that they're destroying education... come on Dick, it's the only education we got.

Xander Cage:
I like anything fast enough to do something stupid in.

Xander Cage:
I told him that cigarette would kill him one of these days.

Xander Cage:
Okay, I'll turn down the music.

Xander Cage:
I've been risking my life for a lot of stupid reasons. This is the first one that makes sense to me.

Xander Cage:
Take off these handcuffs so I can beat the sh*t out you.

Xander Cage:
Is this guy gonna hump my leg or what?

Xander Cage:
The moral of the story is, don't be a dick, Dick.

Gibbons:
Why is it always the a**holes who pass the test?

Yelena:
Xander? Remember what I told you before, when you kissed me?

Xander Cage:
Never again?

Yelena:
I lied.

Yelena:
I'm an agent too. I've been undercover for two years.

Xander Cage:
Two years? What was your plan? Have them die of old age?

Toby Lee Shavers:
I've always wanted to say this. Fire in the hole!

Yelena:
Do you know what a wire transfer is?

Xander Cage:
Is she for real. Sweetheart is there anything else you need to do, let us big boys have a conversation.

Yelena:
Conversation. A word with four syllables. Do you want some ice before your brain overheats.

Xander Cage:
Ice. Yeah, you could chisel some off your heart, if you could find it.

Xander Cage:
I might throw in a few extra dollars and send you to charm school.

Xander Cage:
You're okay, Yorgi

Yorgi:
Everything's okay... with enough vodka.

Gibbons:
So are you going to get on the plane or is 'Kiss my ass, Scarface?' your final answer?

Gibbons:
You've passed the test. The Gibbons Test.

Xander Cage:
These monkeys are following me because I just stole this car. . .obviously it's not mine, it ain't my style.

J.J.:
I need you to go to Pago Pago or whatever. Get a couple of girls, do 'em all I don't care

Xander Cage:
It's Bora Bora J.

Yorgi:
You of all people should appreciate what I'm trying to do. Imagine millions dead. Then imagine no one knowing who did it. This country attacks that country. That country invades this country. Chaos will reign. Governments will fall. And when it is all over, there will nothing left, but glorious, glorious freedom.

Gibbons:
The name's Gibbons. Augustus Gibbons.

Xander Cage:
Welcome to the Xander Zone...

Xander Cage:
Shaken... and stirred.

Xander Cage:
Koyla, Yorgi's younger brother, happens to be an action sports fanatic. So naturally, he's a fan. But, when you kill a bottle of Vodka in three swigs, and your gonna talk too much.

Xander Cage:
My kind of people would say, "Kiss my ass, Scarface."

Xander Cage:
I live for this sh*t.

Yorgi:
Most people talk a lot, few are up for the moment. Welcome to Anarchy Ninety-nine.

Milan Sova:
Everyone in this club's got two things in common; they're filthy rich and they're criminals.

Xander Cage:
I'll fit in perfect, except for the filthy rich part.

I live for this sh*t

J.J.:
[referring to Xander's illegal stunt] Look, you need to just lay low for a while.

Xander:
I'm untouchable. [SWAT team burst in and everyone at the party runs] Alright, alright, I'll turn the music down! [SWAT member shoots him with a tranquilizer dart] AH! [pulls dart from his chest] It was only a Corvette...[collapses]

[Xander has just foiled the supposed "robbery" inside the diner he woke up in. He turns to see Gibbons clapping]

Gibbons:
Well done Mr. Cage.

Xander:
Who the hell are you?

Gibbons:
The name's Gibbons. Augustus Gibbons. You seem upset. Is there something wrong?

Xander:
What is this place?

Gibbons:
Looks like a diner.

Xander:
That's clever. You know, you almost had me going for a second? I was a little groggy at first, but then I started noticing things. Like you got a stock broker over here reading the Financial Times on a Sunday morning when the market's closed. Unlikely, but alright, I can go with that. I can even go with the stick-up man packing a cop issue Beretta. But you want to know where you blew it? With her. [points to the waitress behind the counter] My aunt was in the restaurant business all her life. There's no way a career waitress comes to work in high heels. She'd have blisters the size of pancakes before lunch. And if she ain't real, then this whole thing ain't real. That's how I know that this bozo over here [points to the bleeding 'stock broker' on the floor] wouldn't get a shot off even if we waited until St. Patrick's Day. [fires a blank round from the stock broker's shotgun at a wall clock] Because there's nothing but blanks in these guns. Oh, and no offence, but their performances were terrible.

Gibbons:
[Starts to laugh] That's good. That's very good.

Xander:
Okay, you're turn, pretty boy. What the hell is all of this?

Gibbons:
It was a test, Mr. Cage, that you aced.

Agent Polk:
[Entering] He seems to have an attitude.

Xander:
Excuse me?

Agent Polk:
[To Gibbons] Should we throw him back?

Gibbons:
Hell no, I love his attitude! Let's take this to the next level. [Starts speaking to the agents in the diner] Get on the sat-com!

Xander:
What are you talking about, what next level?

Gibbons:
I want everyone out in ten minutes!

Xander:
[Starts walking towards the exit] I don't know who you think you're playing with, I don't play this game!

Gibbons:
[looking at the trucker, who has burns from the coffee] Get Mike a doctor. We don't want him looking like me.

Xander:
I got a party to go to!

Gibbons:
[To the waitress, nodding towards Xander] Shut him up.

Xander:
And don't to forget to pay for my windo- [The waitress shoots him with a tranq dart] AH! [He falls down and pulls the dart from his chest]

Gibbons:
Why is it always the a**holes that pass the test? [sees Xander pass out]

[Plane ramp begins to lower]

Virg:
What the hell is this?!

[Xander looks bored at the soldiers]

Virg:
This ain't right! I'm telling you, none of this is right! [soldiers wave bye-bye]

Xander:
I LIVE FOR THIS SH*T! [Xander and the others parachute out of the plane]

[the trio lands in a field]

Xander:
WHOOO! Not bad! [Looks around and watches the plane fly away while smiling] Let's do that again.

[Xander survives the Colombian Army raid on a drug plantation and sees Augustus Gibbons]

Xander:
Look who it is,Frankenstein. Uncuff me so I can beat the sh*t out of you.

Gibbons:
Relax, X. You just graduated at the top of your class.

Xander:
What the hell are you talking about?! You nearly got us killed out there!

Agent Polk:
We knew the Colombian Army was moving in.

Xander:
Excuse me?

Agent Polk:
[Looking smug at Xander] It was my idea to use you as a decoy. They liked the ide-

[Xander headbutts Polk. Gibbons knocks him down with a leg sweep.]

Xander:
You're pretty fast for an old man.

Gibbons:
Get up. [Xander does so] Walk with me. [They walk through the camp to a group of agents burning cocaine in a pile] You know, I'm the type of guy who believes under the right circumstances a man can change. For example, last night you exhibited courage, leadership, and the willingness to protect a man you hardly knew.

Xander:
So give me a medal.

Gibbons:
[Chuckling] I'd rather give you a job!

Xander:
Look at me! Do I look like a fan of law enforcement?

Gibbons:
I just want you to do is meet some people and find out whatever you can about them.

Xander:
What type of people?

Gibbons:
Dangerous, dirty, tattooed, uncivilized. Your kind of people.

Xander:
Hold up. My kind of people would say. "Kiss my ass, Scarface!"

Gibbons:
See, this is usually the point where I'd take out my gun, press it to your temple and ask you very politely to do what I want. But you're not the type who's afraid of death. So I guess this puts us in a quandary, doesn't it?

Xander:
So I guess we better call this a day, then?

Gibbons:
Not just yet. You ever watch lions at the zoo? You can always tell which ones were captured in the wild by the look in their eyes. The wildcat. See, he remembers running across the plains, the thrill of the hunt. Four hundred pounds of killing fury locked in a box. But after a while their eyes start to glaze over, and you can tell their soul has died. The same thing happens to a man. Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary is no joke. They'll take a wild man like you and throw him in solitary just for the fun of it. No more mountains to board, no more oceans to surf. Just a six by eight cell with no windows, and only a bucket to sh*t in. But you can avoid all that by doing this one small favor for me.

Xander:
You don't have sh*t on me!

Gibbons:
I notice you have three X's tattooed on the back of your neck. I think that's rather appropriate seeing as you're looking at three strikes. Grand theft auto, reckless endangerment, and that little bridge stunt of yours? Makes you three-time loser. Maybe you should call yourself "Triple X". But if you do want, I'll make all your recent criminal transgressions go away and let you get back to that pathetic excuse of a life.

Xander:
You think maybe I should be like you? Get all strut up with stars and stripes? I bet that flag is a real comfort every time you look in the mirror.

Gibbons:
A small price I paid for putting foot to ass for my country. So, what's it going to be, Triple X? You want to get on a plane? Or is "Kiss my ass, Scarface" your final answer?

[NSA agent Toby Lee Shavers shows X his special 44 Magnum revolver]

Toby Lee Shavers:
Knocked over a few 7-Elevens, have we?

Xander Cage:
Nah, I had my leg in a cast for about three months. All I did was play first-person shooter video games.

Shavers:
That's a really sad story.

Yorgi:
Now that business is over, we party.

Kolya:
B*tches, come!

[Xander prepares to parachute onto Ahab]

Xander:
I wish I had a camera!

Yelena:
What are you talking about?

Xander:
Because this is gonna be one hell of a trick!