Yes, Prime Minister

[Sir Humphrey demonstrates how public surveys can reach opposite conclusions]

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Mr. Woolley, are you worried about the rise in crime among teenagers?

Bernard Woolley:
Yes.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Do you think there is lack of discipline and vigorous training in our Comprehensive Schools?

Bernard Woolley:
Yes.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Do you think young people welcome some structure and leadership in their lives?

Bernard Woolley:
Yes.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Do they respond to a challenge?

Bernard Woolley:
Yes.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Might you be in favour of reintroducing National Service?

Bernard Woolley:
Er, I might be.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Yes or no?

Bernard Woolley:
Yes.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Of course, after all you've said you can't say no to that. On the other hand, the surveys can reach opposite conclusions. [survey two] Mr. Woolley, are you worried about the danger of war?

Bernard Woolley:
Yes.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Are you unhappy about the growth of armaments?

Bernard Woolley:
Yes.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Do you think there's a danger in giving young people guns and teaching them how to kill?

Bernard Woolley:
Yes.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Do you think it's wrong to force people to take arms against their will?

Bernard Woolley:
Yes.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Would you oppose the reintroduction of conscription?

Bernard Woolley:
Yes.

[does a double-take]

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
There you are, Bernard. The perfectly balanced sample.

James Hacker:
I know exactly who reads the papers. The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country. The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country. The Times is read by people who actually do run the country. The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country. The Financial Times is read by people who own the country. The Morning Star is read by the people who think the country should be run by another country. And the Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Prime Minister, what about the people who read the Sun?

Bernard Woolley:
The Sun readers don't care who runs the country, as long as she's got big tits.

Sir Humphrey:
The only way to understand the Press is to remember that they pander to their readers' prejudices.

Jim Hacker:
Don't tell me about the Press. I know *exactly* who reads the papers. The Daily Mirror is read by the people who think they run the country. The Guardian is read by people who think they *ought* to run the country. The Times is read by the people who actually *do* run the country. The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country. The Financial Times is read by people who *own* the country. The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by *another* country. The Daily Telegraph is read by the people who think it is.

Sir Humphrey:
Prime Minister, what about the people who read The Sun?

Bernard Woolley:
Sun readers don't care *who* runs the country - as long as she's got big tits.

[discussing a potential appointment]

James Hacker:
Would you recommend him?

Sir Desmond Glazebrook:
No.

James Hacker:
Why not?

Sir Desmond Glazebrook:
City's a funny place, you know, Prime Minister. If you spill the beans you open up a whole can of worms. I mean, how can you let sleeping dogs lie if you let the cat out of the bag? Bring in a new broom and if you're not very careful you find you've thrown the baby out with the bathwater. If you change horses in the middle of the stream, next thing you know you're up the creek without a paddle.

James Hacker:
And then the balloon goes up.

Sir Desmond Glazebrook:
Obviously. They hit you for six. An own goal in fact.

James Hacker:
Desmond Glazebrook as governor? I mean, he's such a fool. He only talks in clich?s. He can talk in clich?s till the cows come home.

[discussing a financial scandal]

Sir Desmond Glazebrook:
They've broken the rules.

Sir Humphrey:
What, you mean the insider trading regulations?

Sir Desmond Glazebrook:
No.

Sir Humphrey:
Oh. Well, that's one relief.

Sir Desmond Glazebrook:
I mean of course they've broken those, but they've broken the basic, the basic rule of the City.

Sir Humphrey:
I didn't know there were any.

Sir Desmond Glazebrook:
Just the one. If you're incompetent you have to be honest, and if you're crooked you have to be clever. See, if you're honest, then when you make a pig's breakfast of things the chaps rally round and help you out.

Sir Humphrey:
If you're crooked?

Sir Desmond Glazebrook:
Well, if you're making good profits for them, chaps don't start asking questions; they're not stupid. Well, not that stupid.

Sir Humphrey:
So the ideal is a firm which is honest and clever.

Sir Desmond Glazebrook:
Yes. Let me know if you ever come across one, won't you.

Dorothy Wainwright:
[Referring to Desmond Glazebrook] He's too stupid to know whether he's honest or not.

Jim Hacker:
Dorothy, I'm not at all happy about my speech for the party conference. It contains absolutely no good news.

Dorothy Wainwright:
We couldn't think of any.

James Hacker:
Don't we ever get our own way with the French?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Well, sometimes.

James Hacker:
When was the last time?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Battle of Waterloo, 1815.

[on the phone, discussing the arrangements for a state funeral]

Bernard Woolley:
No, we can't have alphabetical seating in the Abbey. You'd have Iraq and Iran next to each other. Plus Israel and Jordan all sitting in the same pew. We'd be in danger of starting World War III. I know Ireland begins with an 'I' but no! Ireland doesn't make it any better; Ireland doesn't make anything any better.

[last lines]

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Mais oui, Prime Minister.

Bernard Woolley:
[on the phone] Yes, we will want simultaneous translators. Uh, no, not when the P.M. meets the leaders of the English-speaking nations. Yes, the English-speaking nations can be said to include the United States. With a certain generosity of spirit.

[Bernard Woolley enters the PM's office carrying two files - one considerably larger than the other]

James Hacker:
[indicating the smaller file] What on Earth is that, Bernard?

Bernard Woolley:
It's the Channel Tunnel file, minister.

James Hacker:
What about the other one?

Bernard Woolley:
That's the puppy file.

Annie Hacker:
So who is in charge if you're not.

James Hacker:
Nobody, really.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
It is not for a humble mortal such as I to speculate on the complex and elevated deliberations of the mighty.

James Hacker:
But that's an outrageous view.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Yes indeed, it's known as Treasury Policy.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
It is so difficult for me you see, as I am wearing two hats.

James Hacker:
Yes, isn't that rather awkward for you.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Not if one is in two minds.

Bernard Woolley:
Or has two faces.

James Hacker:
You are Cabinet Secretary. You must insist that we get papers circulated earlier.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Alas, there are grave problems about circulating papers before they are written.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
I take it that this paper is not for submission.

Sir Frank Gordon:
My dear Humphrey. *Those* are the submission papers.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
It only goes up to Appendix K.

Sir Frank Gordon:
Sorry. Six more to follow.

Bernard Woolley:
Uh, yes. Sir Humphrey, can I just mention one thing?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Yes, Bernard?

Bernard Woolley:
There has been movement.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
On what subject?

Bernard Woolley:
On a subject on which the Civil Service hopes there will be no movement.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
The Civil Service generally hopes there will be no movement on any subject!

Bernard Woolley:
I'm sorry, Sir Humphrey, my lips are sealed. I am referring confidentially to minutes that I was duty bound to make of a confidential conversation between the Prime Minister and one of his confidential advisers.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Which adviser?

Bernard Woolley:
I'm sorry Sir Humphrey, I'm not at liberty to divulge her name.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Thank you Bernard.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
I see. What do you advise, Bernard?

Bernard Woolley:
I advise you consider your position carefully, perhaps adopting a more flexible posture, while keeping your ear to the ground, covering your retreat and watching your rear.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Thank you, Bernard. You've been a great help.

Bernard Woolley:
Actually, Sir Humphrey, I haven't told you anything.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
I should hope not, Bernard. That would have been most improper.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
It was very painful for me not to be able to support Frank's case.

Sir Arnold Robinson:
Deeply distressing.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
But clearly he was going to lose.

Sir Arnold Robinson:
Quite.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
And that Wainwright female gave the Prime Minister a list of questions plus the suggestion that they stop us handling our own pay claims and let a Select Committee of parliament decide on them!

Sir Arnold Robinson:
Appalling! Next thing you'd have is politicians removing civil servants on the grounds of incompetence! The thin end of the wedge.

Sir Arnold Robinson:
Should I talk to Frank about this, too?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Em... oh, no, Arnold. Leave it to me. Not at the moment. Frank's got a lot of problems coming up.

Sir Arnold Robinson:
Really? He hasn't mentioned them.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Probably because he doesn't know about them yet.

James Hacker:
Bernard. Humphrey should have seen this coming and warned me.

Bernard Woolley:
I don't think Sir Humphrey understands economics, Prime Minister. He did read classics, you know?

James Hacker:
How about Sir Frank? He is head of the Treasury.

Bernard Woolley:
Well, I'm afraid he's in even greater disadvantage in understanding economics. He's an economist.

James Hacker:
If there were a conflict of interests which side would the civil service really be on?

Bernard Woolley:
The winning side, Prime Minister.

[last lines]

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
After all, this is a partnership.

James Hacker:
Yes, a real partnership.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Yes, Prime Minister.

James Hacker:
Are you telling me the Foreign Office is keeping something from me?

Bernard Woolley:
Yes.

James Hacker:
Well, what?

Bernard Woolley:
I don't know; they're keeping it from me too.

James Hacker:
How do you know?

Bernard Woolley:
I don't know.

James Hacker:
You just said that the Foreign Office sas keeping something from me. How do you know if you don't know?

Bernard Woolley:
I don't know specifically what, Prime Minister, but I do know the Foreign Office always keep everything from everybody. It's normal practice.

Israeli Ambassador:
Well, Jim, what are you going to do about St George's?

James Hacker:
You know about that?

Israeli Ambassador:
Obviously.

James Hacker:
Not a serious problem, is it?

Israeli Ambassador:
Isn't it? Your information must be better than mine.

James Hacker:
Don't be silly. Mine comes from the Foreign Office.

Israeli Ambassador:
Israeli Intelligence says that East Yemen are going to invade St George's Island in the next few days.

James Hacker:
What? So that's the connection.

Israeli Ambassador:
Your Foreign Office have agreed with East Yemen that they'll make strong diplomatic representations, but do nothing. In return, the Yemenis will let you keep your airport contract after they've taken over.

James Hacker:
There will be uproar!

Israeli Ambassador:
That's only the start. I happen to know from our ambassador in Washington that the Americans are going to support the present government of St George's.

James Hacker:
In the U.N.?

Israeli Ambassador:
No, in battle. On St George's Island. They'll send in an airborne division backed up by the Seventh Fleet.

James Hacker:
The Americans? Invading a Commonwealth country? The Palace will hit the roof. And I'll look ridiculous. Why didn't the Americans tell me?

Israeli Ambassador:
They don't trust you.

James Hacker:
Why not?

Israeli Ambassador:
Because you trust the Foreign Office.

James Hacker:
Oh, I see. What can I do about it?

Israeli Ambassador:
Jim, you have an airborne battalion on standby in Germany that is not now needed for the NATO exercise.

James Hacker:
How do you know?

Israeli Ambassador:
I know. Now, if you were to send it to St George's Island, it would frighten off East Yemen. They'd never dare invade. Of course, it's not for the Israeli ambassador to advise the British Prime Minister.

James Hacker:
And he wouldn't take your advice anyway. [picks up phone] Get me the Foreign Secretary and then the Defence Secretary, please. [hangs up] A wonder the Foreign Office didn't cover themselves. Maybe they did. They gave me several boxes tonight. I've been through them all except this one. I wonder if this could be it, "Northern Indian Ocean Situation Report". 138 pages, it must be it. [phone rings] Hello? Yes, Ronnie. I want the president of St George's Island to extend an invitation to Britain to send an airborne battalion on a goodwill visit. No, just a friendly gesture. Goodwill. Yes, at once, please. Thank you. [hangs up] He seemed to think that 800 fully armed paratroopers was an awful lot to send on a goodwill visit.

Israeli Ambassador:
No, it's just an awful lot of goodwill.

James Hacker:
[phone rings] Oh, yes, Paul. You know you have an airborne battalion on standby in Germany? Never mind how I know. Well, since it's not being used, I want them to fly straight off to St George's Island. Sort of between Africa and India. A goodwill visit. Just showing the flag. They have been invited. Yes. Leave in... six hours. Yes, an instant goodwill visit. Tell your press office to announce it at once. No, no, leave me out of it. A routine visit. All right - a routine surprise visit. Well, say they were invited earlier, but the NATO exercise got in the way. Now they're not needed, they're going anyway. All right. Nobody knows it's not true. Press statements aren't delivered under oath. [hangs up] They'll be off at midnight.

James Hacker:
Humphrey, I'm worried.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Oh, what about, Prime Minister?

James Hacker:
About the Americans.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Oh yes, well, we're all worried about the Americans.

James Hacker:
Foreign affairs are a complicated business, aren't they?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Yes, indeed, Prime Minister. That's why we leave it to the Foreign Office.

James Hacker:
Apparently the White House thinks that the Foreign Office is full of pinkos and traitors.

Bernard Woolley:
No, it's not. Well, not full.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
East Yemen, isn't that a democracy?

Sir Richard Wharton:
Its full name is the Peoples' Democratic Republic of East Yemen.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Ah I see, so it's a communist dictatorship.

Sir Richard Wharton:
But there's a group of Marxist guerrillas in the mountains somewhere. And we're getting reports that they're planning a coup.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Oh well, these things will happen.

Sir Richard Wharton:
If the PM gets into one of his ghastly patriotic Churchillian moods, he may intervene. All that pro-British, defending democracy nonsense.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Oh, I know, I know.

Sir Richard Wharton:
He must understand that once you start interfering in the internal squabbles of other countries, you're on a very slippery slope. Even the Foreign Secretary's grasped that.

James Hacker:
I was on the receiving end of some frightful pressure from the American ambassador at that drinkies do last night.

Bernard Woolley:
Ah.

James Hacker:
Apparently they'd heard about my plan to cancel Trident.

James Hacker:
Ah.

James Hacker:
It seems that the American defence industries are among the biggest contributors to the President's party funds.

Bernard Woolley:
Ah.

James Hacker:
Then he said we had a big problem in East Yemen.

Bernard Woolley:
Ah?

James Hacker:
Stop saying "ah" like that, Bernard. I'm not your doctor.

Bernard Woolley:
I'm sorry, Prime Minister.

James Hacker:
What is this big problem in East Yemen?

Bernard Woolley:
Ah...

James Hacker:
Thank you, Bernard.

Luke:
Educated man. For an American.

James Hacker:
Foreign affairs are a complicated business.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
That's why we leave it to the Foreign Office.

Bernard Woolley:
The PM seems to be completely in the dark.

Sir Richard Wharton:
Good.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Excellent. Anything else?

Bernard Woolley:
Well, I wondered if there was anything he doesn't know?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Well, I hardly know where to begin, Bernard.

Bernard Woolley:
What if he demands options?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Well, it's obvious, Bernard. The Foreign Office will happily present him with three options, two of which are, on close inspection, exactly the same.

Sir Richard Wharton:
Plus a third which is totally unacceptable.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Like bombing Warsaw or invading France.

Bernard Woolley:
What if the Prime Minister insists we help them?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Then we follow the four-stage strategy.

Bernard Woolley:
What's that?

Sir Richard Wharton:
Standard Foreign Office response in a time of crisis.

Sir Richard Wharton:
In stage one we say nothing is going to happen.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Stage two, we say something may be about to happen, but we should do nothing about it.

Sir Richard Wharton:
In stage three, we say that maybe we should do something about it, but there's nothing we *can* do.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Stage four, we say maybe there was something we could have done, but it's too late now.

James Hacker:
Luke! Can you hear me? Watch my lips! I want to talk to the Israeli ambassador!

James Hacker:
He seemed worried that it might be subject to a Communist takeover.

Luke:
Americans always are.

Israeli Ambassador:
It's well known that in the British Foreign Office an instruction from the Prime Minister becomes a request from the Foreign Secretary, then a recommendation from the Minister of State and, finally, just a suggestion to the ambassador. If it ever gets that far.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
I gather that there's an airborne battalion in the air.

James Hacker:
Sounds like the right place for it.

Jim Hacker:
Who knows Foreign Office secrets, apart from the Foreign Office?

Bernard Woolley:
That's easy. Only the Kremlin.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
You know what happens when politicians get into Number 10; they want to take their place on the world stage.

Sir Richard Wharton:
People on stages are called actors. All they are required to do is look plausible, stay sober, and say the lines they're given in the right order.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Some of them try to make up their own lines.

Sir Richard Wharton:
They don't last long.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century - politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.

Bernard Woolley:
But, you only need to know things on a need-to-know basis.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
I need to know *everything*. How else can I judge whether or not I need to know it?

Bernard Woolley:
So that means you need to know things even when you don't need to know them. You need to know them not because you need to know them but because you need to know whether or not you need to know. If you don't need to know, you still need to know so that you know that there is no need to know.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Yes!

Bernard Woolley:
Good. That's very clear!

James Hacker:
May I remind the Secretary of State for Defence that every problem is also an opportunity?

Several Ministers:
Hear, hear!

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
I think that the Secretary of State for Defence fears that this may create some insoluble opportunities.

James Hacker:
You know what loyalty in a cabinet minister means? It means that his fear of losing his own job is slightly greater then his hope of pinching mine.

James Hacker:
It's envy, you know. Dudley is consumed with envy.

Bernard Woolley:
It's one of the seven Dudley sins.

James Hacker:
I occasionally have confidential press briefings, but I have never leaked.

Bernard Woolley:
Oh, that's another of those irregular verbs, isn't it? I give confidential press briefings; you leak; he's been charged under Section 2a of the Official Secrets Act.

Employment Secretary:
Prime Minister, why was my request for a further discussion and your reply not minuted?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Ah, Prime Minister... It is characteristic of all committee discussions and decisions that every member has a vivid recollection of them and that every member's recollection of them differs violently from every other member's recollection. Consequently we accept the convention that the official decisions are those and only those which have officially recorded in the minutes by the officials, from which it emerges with an elegant inevitability that any decision which has been officially reached will have been officially recorded in the minutes by the officials and any decision which is not recorded in the minutes has not been officially reached even if one or more members believe they can recollect it, so in this particular case if the decision had been officially reached it would have been officially recorded in the minutes by the officials. And it isn't so it wasn't.

Jim Hacker:
Bernard, just because people ask you questions what makes you think you have to answer them?

Bernard Woolley:
Well, I don't know...

Jim Hacker:
You've never answered my questions just because I asked them.

[Could Sir Humphrey be a Russian spy?]

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
So, what do you think I should do, Arnold?

Sir Arnold Robinson:
Difficult. Depends a bit on whether you actually *were* spying or not.

Sir Humphrey:
Arnold, are you suggesting that I should have the Prime Minister crawling all over Salisbury Plain, with a mine detector in one hand and a packet of Winalot in the other?

Sir Arnold Robinson:
It would probably do Britain less harm than anything else he is likely to be doing.

Geoffrey - Director General MI5:
You could hold an inquiry into Sir Humphrey.

James Hacker:
Could I?

Geoffrey - Director General MI5:
But I wouldn't recommend it. Not at this stage. Things might get out. We don't want any more irresponsible ill-informed press speculation.

James Hacker:
Even if it's accurate.

Geoffrey - Director General MI5:
Oh, *especially* if it's accurate. There's nothing worse than *accurate* irresponsible ill-informed press speculation.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
To put it simply, Prime Minister, certain informal discussions took place, involving a full and frank exchange of views, out of which there arose a series of proposals which on examination proved to indicate certain promising lines of enquiry which when pursued led to the realization that the alternative courses of action might in fact, in certain circumstances, be susceptible of discreet modification, leading to a reappraisal of the original areas of difference and pointing the way to encouraging possibilities of compromise and cooperation which if bilaterally implemented with appropriate give and take on both sides might if the climate were right have a reasonable possibility at the end of the day of leading, rightly or wrongly, to a mutually satisfactory resolution.

James Hacker:
What the hell are you talking about?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
We did a deal.

Agnes Moorhouse:
Animals have rights too, you know. A battery chicken's life isn't worth living. Would you want to spend your life packed in with six hundred other desperate, squawking, smelly creatures, unable to breathe fresh air, unable to move, unable to stretch, unable to think?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Certainly not. That's why I never stood for parliament.

James Hacker:
You know that Agnes Moorhouse woman?

Annie Hacker:
Yes.

James Hacker:
I told Humphrey to have a word with her.

Annie Hacker:
That sounds like an interesting experiment.

James Hacker:
He says it went quite well, but he didn't want to talk about it very much and he had four whiskeys in ten minutes.

James Hacker:
[after Dorothy has just explained a brilliant scheme to reform the government of Britain] And I shall be the great reformer. Hacker's Reform Bill. I shall introduce it myself. 'The power of this country does not lie in offices and institutions, it lies in the stout hearts and strong wills of the yeomen of Britain...

Annie Hacker:
Women have the vote too!

James Hacker:
The yeowomen of Britain... yeopersons... yeopeople... No, the people of this island race, on their broad and wise shoulders...

Annie Hacker:
And you can't have wise shoulders!

James Hacker:
On their broad shoulders, wise hearts, heads, on their heads lies our destiny. We must give back power to the people.' And I shall be the one to introduce this, um... What shall I call this new scheme?

Dorothy Wainwright:
Democracy?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
The Queen is inseparable from the Church of England.

Jim Hacker:
And what about God?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
I think he is what is called an optional extra.

James Hacker:
Eccentricity can be a virtue.

Sir Humphrey:
If you call it individualism.

Bernard Woolley:
That's one of those irregular verbs, isn't it. I have an independent mind, you are an eccentric, he is round the twist.

[last lines]

Jim Hacker:
How come you know so much about the Dean of Bai... Weren't you at Bailey yourself?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
I was, yes.

Jim Hacker:
Jobs for the boys, eh?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
On the contrary, Prime Minister, I hardly know him. In fact I happen to know that he dislikes me. You can ask him yourself this evening if you like. I don't like him very much either

Jim Hacker:
Honestly?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
On my word of honour.

Jim Hacker:
You have nothing to gain from this preferment?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
How could I have?

Jim Hacker:
In that case, well done. Helpful, impartial advice. The best traditions of the civil service.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Yes, Prime Minister.

Sir Richard Wharton:
People have said a lot of unpleasant things about the Foreign Office, but we've never been accused of patriotism.

Sir Richard Wharton:
I know what we'll do. We'll tell the press that it was the Prime Minister's initiative to send the dean.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Oh, good idea. He'll enjoy taking the credit.

Sir Richard Wharton:
But you don't think there's any danger that the PM's denying it just because it isn't true, is there?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Not at all.

Sir Richard Wharton:
And then for the Sundays' we leak the idea that the Foreign Office suggested it to HIM when we found all the diplomatic channels blocked.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Perfect. That way nobody gets the blame and everybody gets the credit.

Sir Richard Wharton:
Except the person who really thought it up.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Oh, well. I don't mind.

James Hacker:
Humphrey, what's a Modernist in the Church of England?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Ah, well, the word "Modernist" is code for non-believer.

James Hacker:
You mean an atheist?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
No, Prime Minister. An atheist clergyman couldn't continue to draw his stipend. So, when they stop believing in God, they call themselves "Modernists".

James Hacker:
How could the Church of England suggest an atheist as Bishop of Bury St Edmunds?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Well, very easily. The Church of England is primarily a social organization, not a religious one.

James Hacker:
Is it?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Oh yes. It's part of the rich social fabric of this country. So bishops need to be the sorts of chaps who speak properly and know which knife and fork to use. The sort of people one can look up to.

James Hacker:
So, the ideal candidate [for a bishopric] from the Church of England's point of view would be a cross between a socialite, and a socialist.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Precisely.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
You see, The PM has stated that he wants a devout Christian [appointed as bishop] . Now The Dean only believes in Islam, steam engines, and the MCC [Marylebone Cricket Club, the governing body of English cricket] . In fact, some smart-aleck once asked him on television if he knew what The Bible was.

Peter Harding:
And did he?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Yes. He said it was some Christian version of The Koran.

Jim Hacker:
Tell me, General, where is the Hot Line?

General Howard:
Which one?

Jim Hacker:
The one to Russia.

Bernard Woolley:
The Red Hot Line, Sir.

General Howard:
That's in Downing Street.

Jim Hacker:
So in an emergency, I can get straight through to the Soviet President?

General Howard:
Theoretically, yes.

Jim Hacker:
Theoretically?

General Howard:
That's what we tell journalists. In fact, we did once get through to the Kremlin, but only to a switchboard operator.

Jim Hacker:
Couldn't the operator put you through?

General Howard:
We never found out. He didn't seem to speak much English.

Sir Humphrey:
With Trident we could obliterate the whole of Eastern Europe.

Jim Hacker:
I don't want to obliterate the whole of Eastern Europe.

Sir Humphrey:
It's a deterrent.

Jim Hacker:
It's a bluff. I probably wouldn't use it.

Sir Humphrey:
Yes, but they don't know that you probably wouldn't.

Jim Hacker:
They probably do.

Sir Humphrey:
Yes, they probably know that you probably wouldn't. But they can't certainly know.

Jim Hacker:
They probably certainly know that I probably wouldn't.

Sir Humphrey:
Yes, but even though they probably certainly know that you probably wouldn't, they don't certainly know that, although you probably wouldn't, there is no probability that you certainly would.

Jim Hacker:
Nice to be able to reward one's old allies. Was Ron Jones pleased with his peerage?

Bernard Woolley:
Oh yes, Prime Minister. He said his members would be delighted.

Jim Hacker:
His members?

Bernard Woolley:
Yes, the members of his union. The National Federation...

Jim Hacker:
I didn't mean him. I meant our backbencher. I meant to give a peerage to Ron Jones, not Ron Jones. The hell!

Bernard Woolley:
If it is any consolation, Prime Minister, I gather he was awfully pleased.

Jim Hacker:
I bet he was. What are we going to do about Ron Jones's peerage. Give him one too?

Sir Humphrey:
With respect, Prime Minister, we can't send two Lord Ron Jones to the Upper House. It will look like a job lot.

Jim Hacker:
We got to give him something, I promised.

Sir Humphrey:
Well, what is he interested in? Does he watch television?

Jim Hacker:
He hasn't even got a set.

Sir Humphrey:
Fine, make him a Governor of the BBC.

Jim Hacker:
Stuff the affairs of the nation. I want a cook!

Jim Hacker:
You mean the German ambassador's lunch is government business, but mine isn't?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
That is so. Not just the German ambassador's, of course, any ambassador's.

Jim Hacker:
Fine. Bernard, get the diary. On Monday I'll have lunch with the German ambassador. On Tuesday, with the French ambassador; on Wednesday, with the American ambassador. Oh, mustn't leave out the Commonwealth; on Thursday I'll have lunch with the New Zealand High Commissioner. How many countries are there in the UN?

Bernard Woolley:
Well 158, Prime minister.

Jim Hacker:
Good. That'll take up about six months; then we'll start round again.

Bernard Woolley:
Prime Minister, you're not free to have lunch with ambassadors every day. Sometimes there will be other official lunches.

Jim Hacker:
Even better. We'll fill up the odd gaps.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
I think that the Foreign and Commonwealth Office might have some views on that.

Jim Hacker:
Oh, why?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Well, they always say that one Prime Minister's lunch with an ambassador destroys two years of patient diplomacy. I'm not quite sure how they'd react to 158.

Jim Hacker:
You mean there's really no way that we can't not tell them?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Open government, Prime Minister. Freedom of information. We should always tell the press freely and frankly anything that they could easily find out some other way.

Jim Hacker:
You know, Humphrey, I've been thinking.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Good.

Sir Humphrey:
I understand that were you to cancel Trident you would be met not by the President but by the *Vice* President.

Jim Hacker:
The *Vice* President? The *Vice* President? But even Botswana was met by the President, I saw it on TV.

Bernard Woolley:
That is why that torpedo landed on Sandwich Golf Course.

Jim Hacker:
Sandwich Golf Course? I didn't read that in the paper.

Bernard Woolley:
No, of course not. There was a cover-up. The members just found a new bunker on the 7th fairway the next day.

Jim Hacker:
You will agree that so far my premiership has been a great success.

Sir Humphrey:
Oh, indeed.

Jim Hacker:
Yes, and I have been asking myself: "What can I do to continue this run of success?"

Sir Humphrey:
Have you considered masterly inactivity?

Jim Hacker:
No, Humphrey. A Prime Minister must be firm.

Sir Humphrey:
Indeed. How about *firm* masterly inactivity?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Don't you believe that Great Britain should have the best?

Jim Hacker:
Yes, of course.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Very well, if you walked into a nuclear missile showroom you would buy Trident - it's lovely, it's elegant, it's beautiful. It is quite simply the best. And Britain should have the best. In the world of the nuclear missile it is the Saville Row suit, the Rolls Royce Corniche, the Ch?teau Lafitte 1945. It is the nuclear missile Harrods would sell you. What more can I say?

Jim Hacker:
Only that it costs ?15 billion and we don't need it.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Well, you can say that about anything at Harrods.

Jim Hacker:
Hello darling! What's for lunch?

Annie Hacker:
You tell me.

Jim Hacker:
Are you going somewhere?

Annie Hacker:
Voluntary services committee. I did tell you.

Jim Hacker:
Just thought some scrambled eggs or something.

Annie Hacker:
Oh, I think there's some eggs in the fridge.

Jim Hacker:
You want me to do it?

Annie Hacker:
We agreed I'd go on with my work, didn't we? It's bad enough living in this goldfish bowl anyway. Every time I want to slip out for a sliced loaf I have to walk past a dozen journalists and fifty gawping tourists. There's no privacy anywhere.

Jim Hacker:
Now that's not true.

Security Guard:
Excuse me, Prime Minister, security check. Could I have a look around?

Annie Hacker:
Privacy?

Jim Hacker:
You could always walk in the garden.

Annie Hacker:
There's about fifty people staring at you from the windows, it's like exercising in a prison yard.

Jim Hacker:
At least it's quiet.

[a band starts playing loudly]

Annie Hacker:
Quiet? That's been going on since half past eight this morning.

Jim Hacker:
They have to practise somewhere.

Annie Hacker:
Why here?

Jim Hacker:
Darling, they're Horseguards, that's the Horseguard's parade.

Annie Hacker:
And to think we actually have to pay rent for this place. They should pay us.

Jim Hacker:
Annie, you must realise that a life in public service demands some sacrifice.

Annie Hacker:
Fine. You sacrifice your lunch, I'm late.

Jim Hacker:
But I'm hungry. What did you have for your lunch?

Annie Hacker:
Half a Yorkie bar.

Jim Hacker:
Where's the other half?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Bernard what is the purpose of our defence policy?

Bernard Woolley:
To defend Britain.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
No Bernard. It is to make people believe Britain is defended.

Bernard Woolley:
The Russians?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Not the Russians the British! The Russians know it's not.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Prime Minister, I must protest in the strongest possible terms my profound opposition to a newly instituted practice which imposes severe and intolerable restrictions upon the ingress and egress of senior members of the hierarchy and which will, in all probability, should the current deplorable innovation be perpetuated, precipitate a constriction of the channels of communication, and culminate in a condition of organisational atrophy and administrative paralysis which will render effectively impossible the coherent and co-ordinated discharge of the function of government within Her Majesty's United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

Jim Hacker:
You mean you've lost your key?

Jim Hacker:
Bernard, I really don't want Humphrey putting his head round the door during this meeting.

Bernard Woolley:
Well, I'll do my best, Prime Minister.

Jim Hacker:
That may not be good enough, Bernard. Dorothy tells me that technically Humphrey's supposed to phone you from the cabinet office before he comes through to Number Ten; is that true?

Bernard Woolley:
Well, perhaps in theory, but it's really just a formality.

Jim Hacker:
Good. Humphrey likes formality.

Jim Hacker:
People can wait in the lobby. Or in the state rooms.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Some people. But some people must wait where other people cannot see the people who are waiting. And people who arrive before other people must wait where they cannot see the people who arrive after them being admitted before them. And people who come in from outside must wait where they cannot see the people from inside coming in to tell you what the people from outside have come to see you about. And people who arrive when you are with people they are not supposed to know you have seen must wait somewhere until the people who are not supposed to have seen you have seen you.

Bernard Woolley:
As they say, it's a custom more honoured in the breach than in the observance.

Jim Hacker:
Oh really, Bernard, must you and Humphrey really always express yourself in this roundabout and pompous way? "More honoured in the breach than the observance"! Must you always distort and destroy the most beautiful language in the world - the language of Shakespeare?

Bernard Woolley:
That *is* Shakespeare, Prime Minister.

Jim Hacker:
But me no buts, Bernard. Shakespeare.

Bernard Woolley:
Oh no, Prime Minister. "But me no buts" is circa 1820. Mrs Centlivre used the phrase in 1708, but actually it was Scott's employment of it in 'The Antiquary' in 1816 which made it fashionable.

Jim Hacker:
Shall we keep to the point please, Bernard?

[the PM is considering taking the joint headship of the civil service away from Humphrey and making Frank the full head]

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Oh, Frank.

Sir Frank Gordon:
Yes?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Good meeting with the PM?

Sir Frank Gordon:
Yes, very good.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Good. Any particular subject come up?

Sir Frank Gordon:
Any particular subject you're interested in?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
No, not particularly. He didn't raise the issue of service appointments and so on?

Sir Frank Gordon:
It may have cropped up.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Did he foreshadow any redistribution of responsibility?

Sir Frank Gordon:
Shall we say it was a wide-ranging discussion.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Did it move towards any conclusion?

Sir Frank Gordon:
There were arguments on both sides.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Evenly balanced?

Sir Frank Gordon:
Perhaps tending slightly more one way than the other.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
But nothing to worry about?

Sir Frank Gordon:
Nothing for *me* to worry about. See you this afternoon.

Bernard Woolley:
My God!

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
No, Bernard. It's just your boss.

Jim Hacker:
Bernard, I want you to put Dorothy back into her old office.

Bernard Woolley:
You mean, carry her there?

Jim Hacker:
But if, as you say, he's not overstretched.

Sir Frank Gordon:
Ah, when I say not overstretched, I was of course talking in a sense of total cumulative loading taken globally, rather than in respect of certain individual and essentially anomalous responsibilities which are not, logically speaking, consonant or harmonious with the broad spectrum of intermeshing and inseparable functions, and could indeed be said to place an excessive and supererogatory burden on the office, where considered in relation to the comparatively exiguous advantages of their overall centralisation.

Jim Hacker:
You *could* do part of Humphrey's job!

Jim Hacker:
[the Prime Minister attempts to repeat Humphrey's explaination to Dorothy] Well, because if people came to see people who people didn't know people were coming... that is, if people saw people coming before people saw them seeing people, people would see people. The whole ship would go off the rails. You see.

Dorothy Wainwright:
Did you work all that out for yourself?

Dorothy Wainwright:
I used to be in the office next door to this room, didn't I? You had me moved to the front of the building, up three floors, along the corridor, down two steps, round the corner and four doors along to the right. Next to the photocopier.

[the Prime Minister wants to enact a policy that Humphrey opposes]

Bernard Woolley:
He's going to say something new and radical in the broadcast.

Sir Humphrey:
What, that silly Grand Design? Bernard, that's precisely what you were there to avoid! How did this come about, I shall need a very good explanation.

Bernard Woolley:
Well, he's very keen on it.

Sir Humphrey:
What's that got to do with it? Things don't happen just because Prime Ministers are very keen on them! Neville Chamberlain was very keen on peace.

Bernard Woolley:
But he's the Prime Minister!

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Indeed he is Bernard. He has his own car, a nice house in London, a place in the country, endless publicity and a pension for life. What more does he want?

Bernard Woolley:
I think he wants to govern Britain.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Well stop him, Bernard.

Sir Humphrey:
Ah, Bernard. How is the Prime Minister and First Lord of the Treasury?

Bernard Woolley:
Sleeping peacefully, Sir Humphrey.

Sir Humphrey:
It's clear that the Committee has agreed that your new policy is really an excellent plan. But in view of some of the doubts being expressed, may I propose that I recall that after careful consideration, the considered view of the Committee was that, while they considered that the proposal met with broad approval in principle, that some of the principles were sufficiently fundamental in principle, and some of the considerations so complex and finely balanced in practice that in principle it was proposed that the sensible and prudent practice would be to submit the proposal for more detailed consideration, laying stress on the essential continuity of the new proposal with existing principles, the principle of the principal arguments which the proposal proposes and propounds for their approval. In principle.

Jim Hacker:
So let us be abundantly clear about this. We cannot go on paying ourselves more than we earn. The rest of the world does not owe us a living. We must be prepared to make sacrifices and... Who wrote this rubbish?

Bernard Woolley:
You did, Prime Minister. It's one of your old speeches.

Godfrey - TV Producer:
Prime Minister, would you mind not leaning forward like that? It makes you look as though you're selling insurance.

Godfrey - TV Producer:
And you are leaning forward again a bit.

James Hacker:
That's what I do when I want to look sincere.

Godfrey - TV Producer:
It makes you look like someone who wants to look sincere.

James Hacker:
We want to build a bright future for our children. We want to build a peaceful and prosperous Britain, a Britain that can hold her head high in the fellowship of nations. This is rather good. Who wrote this?

Godfrey - TV Producer:
Actually, it's from the last party political by the leader of the opposition.

Godfrey - TV Producer:
Could we just talk about your appearance, remember? What will you be wearing?

James Hacker:
What do you suggest?

Godfrey - TV Producer:
Well, dark suit represents traditional values.

James Hacker:
Fine, dark suit.

Godfrey - TV Producer:
On the other hand, a light suit looks business-like.

James Hacker:
What about a lightish jacket with a darkish waistcoat?

Godfrey - TV Producer:
I think that would look as though you've got an identity problem.

Godfrey - TV Producer:
All I can say is, if that's what you're going to say, I suggest a very modern suit, hi-tech furniture, high-energy yellow wallpaper, abstract paintings. In fact, everything to disguise the absence of anything new in the actual speech.

Sir Humphrey:
I don't think we need to bring the truth in at this stage.

Sir Humphrey:
Bernard, what is the purpose of our defence policy?

Bernard Woolley:
To defend Britain.

Sir Humphrey:
No, Bernard. It is to make people *believe* Britain is defended.

Bernard Woolley:
The Russians?

Sir Humphrey:
Not the Russians, the British! The Russians know it's not.

[discussing with Bernard his recent meeting with the US President]

Jim Hacker:
Well, I read him my brief, he read me his brief, then we decided it would quicker if we just swapped briefs and read them for ourselves. So we spent most of our time rubbishing the French!

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
[demonstrating how public surveys can reach opposite conclusions] Mr. Woolley, are you worried about the rise in crime among teenagers?

Bernard Woolley:
Yes.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Do you think there is lack of discipline and vigorous training in our Comprehensive Schools?

Bernard Woolley:
Yes.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Do you think young people welcome some structure and leadership in their lives?

Bernard Woolley:
Yes.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Do they respond to a challenge?

Bernard Woolley:
Yes.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Might you be in favour of reintroducing National Service?

Bernard Woolley:
Er, I might be.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Yes or no?

Bernard Woolley:
Yes.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Of course, after all you've said you can't say no to that. On the other hand, the surveys can reach opposite conclusions.

[survey two]

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Mr. Woolley, are you worried about the danger of war?

Bernard Woolley:
Yes.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Are you unhappy about the growth of armaments?

Bernard Woolley:
Yes.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Do you think there's a danger in giving young people guns and teaching them how to kill?

Bernard Woolley:
Yes.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Do you think it's wrong to force people to take arms against their will?

Bernard Woolley:
Yes.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Would you oppose the reintroduction of conscription?

Bernard Woolley:
Yes. [does a double-take]

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
There you are, Bernard. The perfectly balanced sample.

James Hacker:
[reading a speech written for him] "We shall of course be reviewing a wide range of options over the whole field of government expenditures." Bernard, this doesn't say anything.

Bernard Woolley:
Oh, thank you, Prime Minister.

James Hacker:
It's completely lacking impact.

Bernard Woolley:
You're too kind, Prime Minster.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Hello, Bernard. I believe the Prime Minister wants to see me.

Bernard Woolley:
Yes, Sir Humphrey.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
What's his problem?

Bernard Woolley:
Education.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Well, it's a bit late to do anything about that now.

Bernard Woolley:
No, no, the education system.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
I see. Well, it's a bit late to do anything about that either.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Responsibility without power - the prerogative of the eunuch throughout the ages.

[discussing Hacker's proposal to allow parents to choose their children's school]

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
In any case, we're not talking about health; we're talking about education. And, with respect, Prime Minister, I think that the DES will react with some caution to your rather novel proposal.

James Hacker:
You mean they'll block it.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
I mean they will give it the most serious and urgent consideration, and insist on a thorough and rigorous examination of all the proposals, allied to a detailed feasibility study and budget analysis before producing a consultative document for consideration by all interested bodies and seeking comments and recommendations to be included in a brief for a series of working parties who will produce individual studies which will provide the background for a more wide-ranging document considering whether or not the proposal should be taken forward to the next stage.

James Hacker:
You mean they'll block it.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Yeah.

[discussing the role of the DES]

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Who would plan for the future?

James Hacker:
Are you saying that education in Britain today is what the Department *planned*?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Well, of c... No, of course not!

[Hacker is planning to abolish the Department of Education]

James Hacker:
I wonder what Humphrey will say.

Dorothy Wainwright:
Whatever he says, I want to be there when you tell him.

James Hacker:
To witness the clash between the political will and the administrative will?

Dorothy Wainwright:
I think it'll be a clash between the political will and the administrative won't.

James Hacker:
[Discussing ways to reform the education system] No, the DES would block it.

Dorothy Wainwright:
Fine, get rid of them.

James Hacker:
What?

Dorothy Wainwright:
Get rid of the Department of Education.

James Hacker:
I don't understand you.

Dorothy Wainwright:
Get rid of it! Abolish it! Remove it! Expunge it! Eliminate it! Eradicate it! Exterminate it! Get rid of it!

James Hacker:
Get rid of it?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
[Sir Humphrey has just proven that, despite what the Prime Minister says, he still knows Latin] Si tacuisses, philosophus mansisses.

James Hacker:
What does that mean?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
If you'd kept your mouth shut, we might have thought you were clever.

James Hacker:
I beg your pardon?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Oh, not you, Prime Minister. No, that's the translation.

Bernard Woolley:
No one would ever have thought Sir Humphrey was saying that about you.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Go away, Bernard, please.

James Hacker:
You think I could? Grasp the nettle? Take the bull by the horns?

Bernard Woolley:
Prime Minister, you can't take the bull by the horns if you're grasping the nettle.

James Hacker:
Oh, really, Bernard?

Bernard Woolley:
All I meant was, if you grasp the nettle with one hand, you could take the bull by one horn with the other hand, but not both horns because your hand isn't big enough. And if you did take the bull by one horn, it would be rather dangerous because [he acts out a bull butting out at someone] . Well, it was just a mixed metaphor, and since we were discussing education, I, I just... [phone rings] Thank God.

Bernard Woolley:
Yes, but that paper the Party Chairman showed the Prime Minister suggests the whole of the comprehensive system is breaking down.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Bernard! I never thought to hear such language from a loyal member of the Civil Service. Have you been got at by the enemy?

Bernard Woolley:
[in a whisper] You mean the Russians?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
No, Bernard, I don't. I mean the Prime Minister's Political Adviser, that Wainwright female.

Bernard Woolley:
[Discussing the Prime Minister's dilemma about education] He can't ignore facts.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
If he can't ignore facts, he's got no business being a politician.

James Hacker:
It is to be to a hostile audience of posturing, self-righteous, theatrical drunks.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
The House of Commons you mean?

The Arts Minister:
These theaters and art galleries and museums and opera houses they are all listed buildings. We have to maintain them anyway. And they are totally useless. So we put in central heating and a caretaker to make it look as if we're preserving the Arts.

James Hacker:
Let's sell them.

The Arts Minister:
We can't. They're ancient monuments.

James Hacker:
Like the Cabinet.

James Hacker:
Humphrey, I need help.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
You do. You do?

James Hacker:
I've got to make a speech. It could be very embarrassing.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Oh, Prime Minister. Your speeches are nothing like as embarrassing as they used to be.

James Hacker:
I didn't say the speech would be embarrassing, I said the occassion could.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Ah, yes, yes, indeed. Why?

James Hacker:
It's to be to a hostile audience of posturing, self-righteous, theatrical drunks.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
The House of Commons, you mean?

Actress:
What was the last play you went to?

James Hacker:
Last play? I think it'd be Hamlet.

Actress:
Who's?

James Hacker:
Shakespeare's.

James Hacker:
Nobody would be able to call me a philistine then.

Dorothy Wainwright:
Not unless they knew you.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
[discussing how to stop the PM's anti-smoking legislation] I think the crucial argument is that we are living in a free country and we *must* be free to make our own decisions. After all, government shouldn't be a nursemaid, we don't want the nanny state.

Sir Frank Gordon:
Oh, that's very good.

Sir Ian Whitworth:
Excellent.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
The only problem is that that is also the argument for legalising the sale of marijuana, heroin, cocaine, arsenic and gelignite.

Sir Frank Gordon:
Well maybe that's a good idea if we can put a big enough tax on them.

Sir Ian Whitworth:
Politically difficult.

Sir Frank Gordon:
Pity.

Sir Humphrey:
Notwithstanding the fact that your proposal could conceivably encompass certain concomitant benefits of a marginal and peripheral relevance, there is a countervailing consideration of infinitely superior magnitude involving your personal complicity and corroborative malfeasance, with a consequence that the taint and stigma of your former associations and diversions could irredeemably and irretrievably invalidate your position and culminate in public revelations and recriminations of a profoundly embarrassing and ultimately indefensible character.

Jim Hacker:
Perhaps I can have a pr?cis of that?

Sir Ian Whitworth:
It would be different if the government were a team, but in fact they are a loose confederation of warring tribes.

Sir Frank Gordon:
Politicians are like children. You can't just give them what they want - it only encourages them.

Sir Frank Gordon:
But let's be clear about this, Humphrey. The entire system hinges on you as Cabinet Secretary controlling the PM and on me as Permanent Secretary at the Treasury controlling the Chancellor. Right?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Right.

Sir Frank Gordon:
And on both of us keeping an agreeable tension between them, mistrust, hostility.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Mind you, I think they'd manage that all right even without us. The Chancellor will never forgive the Prime Minister for beating him to Number 10 and the Prime Minister will never trust the Chancellor. After all, one never trusts anyone one has deceived.

Gerald - Chairman British Tobacco Group:
He hasn't got much clout in Whitehall, has he?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
None at all. He's just a minister.

Dr. Peter Thorn -Minister of State at the DHSS:
Well, briefly, I'm proposing that the government should take action to eliminate smoking: complete ban on all cigarette sponsorship and advertising, even at the point of sale, ?50 million to be spent on anti-smoking publicity, ban smoking in all public places, and progressive deterrent tax rises over the next five years until a packet of 20 costs about the same as a bottle of whisky.

James Hacker:
Isn't that rather drastic?

Dr. Peter Thorn -Minister of State at the DHSS:
Absolutely.

Bernard Woolley:
Do you think you will win this one? The tobacco lobby is incredibly powerful.

James Hacker:
Well, some you win, some you lose, Bernard. This one I shall definitely lose.

Bernard Woolley:
Then why?

James Hacker:
If you were the Treasury, which would you rather do without? One and a half billion pounds in tax cuts or four billion pounds in lost tobacco tax revenue?

Bernard Woolley:
The tax cuts. It's smaller.

James Hacker:
Exactly. That's what I want and that's what I shall get.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
All the hospitality that we've enjoyed at BTG's expense. Champagne receptions, buffet lunches, the best seats at sporting and cultural events.

Jim Hacker:
What's the problem?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
The tobacco companies may release this embarrassing information to the press.

Jim Hacker:
It's not embarrassing. I've had drinks at the Soviet embassy. That doesn't make me a Russian spy.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
A lot of people, eminent people, influential people have argued that such legislation would be a blow against freedom of choice.

Jim Hacker:
Rubbish. I'm not banning smoking itself. Does every tax rise represent a blow against freedom?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Well, depends how big the tax rise is.

Jim Hacker:
Oh, that's fascinating. Does twenty pence represent a blow against freedom?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Prime Minister...

Jim Hacker:
Twenty-five pence? Thirty pence? Thirty-one? Is something a blow against freedom simply because it can seriously damage your wealth?

Jim Hacker:
Leslie, if we do nothing, in the next ten years in this country alone we're going to have one million premature deaths.

Leslie Potts - Minister for Sport:
Yes, but evenly spread. Not just in marginal constituencies.

Jim Hacker:
Tell the Minister that I will see him at the house at 2.30 for ten minutes.

Bernard Woolley:
With pleasure, Prime Minister.

Jim Hacker:
No, not with pleasure Bernard, but I'll see him anyway.

Jim Hacker:
He's got to learn to co-operate.

Bernard Woolley:
What do you mean co-operate?

Jim Hacker:
I mean obey my commands. That's what co-operate means when you're Prime Minister.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
I foresee all sorts of of unforeseen problems.

Jim Hacker:
Such as?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
If I could foresee them, they wouldn't be unforeseen.

Jim Hacker:
It says here, smoking related diseases cost the National Health Service ?165 million a year.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Yes but we've been in to that, it has been shown that if those extra 100,000 people had lived to a ripe old age, it would have cost us even more in pensions and social security than it did in medical treatment. So, financially speaking it's unquestionably better that they continue to die at their present rate.

Jim Hacker:
We're talking of 100,000 deaths a year.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Yes, but cigarette taxes pay for a third of the cost of the National Health service. We're saving many more lives than we otherwise could, because of those smokers who voluntary lay down their lives for their friends. Smokers are national benefactors.

Jim Hacker:
So long as they live.

James Hacker:
I mean, why should we bug Hugh Halifax's telephone? I mean, one of my own administration. Don't know where they got such a daft idea. Sheer paranoia.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Yes, the only thing is...

James Hacker:
I mean, why should we listen in to MPs? Boring, stupid ignorant windbags, I do my best *not* to listen to them. He's only a PPS. *I* have enough trouble finding out what's going on at the Ministry of Defence, what could *he* know?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
So I gather you denied that Mr Halifax's phone had been bugged.

James Hacker:
Well, obviously. It was the one question today to which I could give a clear, simple, straightforward, honest answer.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Yes. Unfortunately, although the answer was indeed clear, simple and straightforward, there is some difficulty in justifiably assigning to it the fourth of the epithets you applied to the statement inasmuch as the precise correlation between the information you communicated and the facts insofar as they can be determined and demonstrated is such as to cause epistemological problems of sufficient magnitude as to lay upon the logical and semantic resources of the English language a heavier burden than they can reasonably be expected to bear.

James Hacker:
Epistemological? What are you talking about?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
You told a lie.

James Hacker:
But it wasn't my fault. I didn't know he was being bugged.

Bernard Woolley:
Prime Minister, you are deemed to have known. You are ultimately responsible.

James Hacker:
Why wasn't I told?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
The Home Secretary might not have felt the need to infrom you.

James Hacker:
Why?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Perhaps he didn't know either. Or perhaps he'd been advised that you did not need to know.

James Hacker:
Well I did need to know.

Bernard Woolley:
Apparently the fact that you needed to know was not known at the time that the now known need to know was known, and therefore those that needed to advise and inform the Home Secretary perhaps felt that the information that he needed as to whether to inform the highest authority of the known information was not yet known and therefore there was no authority for the authority to be informed because the need to know was not at this time known or needed.

James Hacker:
What!

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
We could not know that you would deny it in the House.

James Hacker:
Well, obviously I would if I didn't know and I were asked.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
We did not know that you would be asked when you didn't know.

James Hacker:
But I was bound to be asked when I didn't know if I didn't know.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
What?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
We can issue a clarification.

James Hacker:
I think you've already made yourself very clear.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
No, Prime Minister, a clarification is not to make oneself clear. It is to put oneself *in* the clear.

[discussing Sir Humphrey's upcoming interview with Ludovic Kennedy]

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
His researchers mentioned that lots of people are interested to know why so much power is centralised in my hands.

James Hacker:
Lots of people? Hardly anybody's ever heard of you, Humphrey.

Bernard Woolley:
Perhaps they meant lots of Radio 3 listeners.

James Hacker:
That's a contradiction in terms.

James Hacker:
Honesty always gives you the advantage of surprise in the House of Commons.

James Hacker:
It was the one question today to which I could give a clear, simple, straightforward, honest answer.

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
Yes. Unfortunately although the answer was indeed clear, simple and straightforward, there is some difficulty in justifiably assigning to it the 4th of the epithets you applied to the statement, in as much as the precise correlation between the information you communicated and the facts, in so far as they can be determined and demonstrated is such as to cause epistemological problems of sufficient magnitude as to lay upon the logical and semantic resources of the English language a heavier burden than they can reasonably be expected to bear.

James Hacker:
What are you talking about?

Sir Humphrey Appleby:
You... told a lie.