You've Got Mail

George Pappas:
For me the Internet is just yet another way of being rejected by women.

Frank:
What about you, is there someone else?

Kathleen Kelly:
No. No, but, but there's the dream of someone else.

Joe Fox:
I like Patricia. I *love* Patricia. Patricia makes COFFEE nervous.

Joe Fox:
You're crazy about him...

Kathleen Kelly:
Yes. I am.

Joe Fox:
Then why don't you run off with him? What are you waiting for?

Kathleen Kelly:
I don't actually know him.

Joe Fox:
Really?

Kathleen Kelly:
We only know each other - oh, God, you're not going to believe this...

Joe Fox:
Let me guess. From the Internet.

Kathleen Kelly:
Yes.

Joe Fox:
You have mail.

Kathleen Kelly:
Yes.

Joe Fox:
Very powerful words.

Kathleen Kelly:
Yes.

Joe Fox:
The Godfather answers all of life's questions. What to pack for a trip? "Leave the gun, take the cannolis."

Kathleen Kelly:
So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around?

Joe Fox:
The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat, etc. So people who don't know what the hell they're doing or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self: Tall. Decaf. Cappuccino.

Joe Fox:
Hey, you know what? We should announce ourselves to the neighborhood. Just let them know, here we come.

Kevin:
Oh, no, this is the Upper West Side, man. We might as well tell 'em we're opening up a - a crack house. They're gonna hate us. Soon as they hear, they're gonna be lining up...

Kevin:
- to picket the big bad chain store...

Kevin:
- that's out to destroy...

Joe Fox:
- everything they hold dear.

Kevin:
Yeah.

Joe Fox:
Do you know what, we are gonna seduce them. We're gonna seduce them with our square footage, and our discounts, and ourdeep armchairs, and...

Kevin:

Joe Fox:
That's right. They're gonna hate us at the beginning, but...

Kevin:

Joe Fox:
Do you know why?

Kevin:
Why?

Joe Fox:
Because we're going to sell them cheap books and legal addictive stimulants. In the meantime, we'll just put up a big sign: "Coming soon, a FoxBooks superstore and the end of civilization as you know it."

Schuyler Fox:
Your father is getting married.

Joe Fox:
Really?

Nelson Fox:
Yes.

Joe Fox:
Congratulations.

Nelson Fox:
Thank you.

Joe Fox:
Why?

Nelson Fox:
Who knows?

Joe Fox:
Love?

Nelson Fox:
Possible.

Birdie Conrad:
You're daring to march into the unknown armed with

Birdie Conrad:
Nothing. Have a sandwich.

Kathleen Kelly:
I love daisies.

Joe Fox:
You told me.

Kathleen Kelly:
They're so friendly. Don't you think they are the friendliest flower?

Joe Fox:
So what's his handle?

Kathleen Kelly:
Uh...

Joe Fox:
I'm not going to write him, is that what you're worried about? You think I'm going to e-mail him?

Kathleen Kelly:
Alright - NY152.

Joe Fox:
N-Y-one-five-two. One hundred and fifty-two. He's... 152 years old. He's had 152 moles removed, so now he's got 152 pock marks on his face.

Kathleen Kelly:
The number of people who think he looks like Clark Gable.

Joe Fox:
152 people who think he looks like a Clark BAR.

Kathleen Kelly:
Why did I ever tell you this?

Joe Fox:
152 stitches from his nose job. The number of his souvenir shot glasses that he's collected in his travels.

Kathleen Kelly:
No... the number... His address? No, no. He would never do anything that prosaic.

Joe Fox:
You know, sometimes I wonder...

Kathleen Kelly:
What?

Joe Fox:
Well... if i hadn't been "Fox Books" and you hadn't been "The Shop Around the Corner," and you and I had just met...

Kathleen Kelly:
I know.

Joe Fox:
Yeah, yeah. I would've asked for your number. And I wouldn't have been able to wait 24 hours before calling you up and saying, Hey, how about... oh, how about some coffee, or drinks, or dinner, or a movie... for as long as we both shall live?

Joe Fox:
You can forgive this guy for standing you up, but you can't forgive me for this little thing... of putting you out of business?

Joe Fox:
It wasn't... personal.

Kathleen Kelly:
What is that supposed to mean? I am so sick of that. All that means is that it wasn't personal to you. But it was personal to me. It's *personal* to a lot of people. And what's so wrong with being personal, anyway?

Joe Fox:
Uh, nothing.

Kathleen Kelly:
Whatever else anything is, it ought to begin by being personal.

Particia Eden:
When I get out of here, I'm having my eyeballs lasered.

George Pappas:
I'm going to get some candles cuz it make my apartment smell Moss-a.

Frank Navasky:
Name me one thing, ONE, that we've gained from technology.

Kathleen Kelly:
Electricity

Frank Navasky:
That's one.

Frank Navasky:
You think this machine is your friend but it's not.

Joe Fox:
Brinkley is my dog. He loves the streets of New York as much as I do. Although he likes to eat bits of pizza and bagels off the sidewalk and I prefer to buy them.

Kathleen Kelly:
What will NY152 say today I wonder. I turn on my computer. I wait impatiently as it connects. I go online, and my breath catches in my chest until I hear three little words: You've got mail. I hear nothing. Not even a sound on the streets of New York, just the beating of my own heart. I have mail. From you.

Kevin:
The electrical contractor called, his truck hit a deer last night, so he's not gonna be here until tomorrow. And the upstairs shelves are delayed because the shipment of pine we ordered has beetles.

Joe Fox:
Very good, VERY good.

Kevin:
And we got a 50,000 dollar ticket for construction worker peeing off the roof.

Joe Fox:
Great, that is great. Is the electrician here today?

Joe Fox:
Don't you love New York in the fall? It makes me wanna buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address. On the other hand, this not knowing has its charms.

Kathleen Kelly:
Is it infidelity if you're involved with somebody on email?

Christina Plutzker:
Have you had sex?

Kathleen Kelly:
No of course not. I don't even know him.

Christina Plutzker:
No, I mean CYBERsex.

Kathleen Kelly:
No

Christina Plutzker:
Well, you know what? Don't do it- 'cause the minute you do, they lose all respect for you.

Joe Fox:
Hey. This fabric on the couch, does it have a name?

Nelson Fox:
Money.

Joe Fox:
Huh?

Nelson Fox:
It's name is MONey.

Birdie Conrad:
What are you girls talking about?

Christina Plutzker:
Cybersex.

Birdie Conrad:
I tried to have cybersex once, but I kept getting a busy signal.

Nelson Fox:
How much son? How much you payin'?

Joe Fox:
well whatever it costs it won't be as much as that exquisitely uncomfortable mohair episode there, which is NOW ALL OVER MY SUIT.

Kathleen Kelly:
Once I read a story about a butterfly in the subway, and today, I saw one. It got on at 42nd, and off at 59th, where, I assume it was going to Bloomingdales to buy a hat that will turn out to be a mistake - as almost all hats are.

Frank Navasky:
Kathleen. YOU, are a lone reed. You are a lone reed, standing tall, waving boldly in the corrupt sands of commerce.

Kathleen Kelly:
I am a lone reed.

Joe Fox:
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Maureen:
's My own fault - never marry a man who lies.

Joe Fox:
That is so wise. yes, Annabelle, remember that.

Joe Fox:
I'm sure you must be late for something - volunteering at the Henry Street Settlement, or rolling bandages for Bosnian Refugees.

Gillian Quinn:
I AM - I'm having my eggs harvested.

Joe Fox:
And getting those eggs harvested.

George Pappas:
Who belongs to this fish?

Nelson Fox:
Perfect. Keep those West Side, liberal, nuts, psudo- intellectuals...

Joe Fox:
Readers Dad, they're called readers.

Nelson Fox:
Don't do that son, don't romanticize them.

George Pappas:
The, uh, illustrations are hand tipped.

Joe Fox:
And that's why it costs so much?

George Pappas:
No, that's why it's WORTH so much.

Kathleen Kelly:
You know, I don't really think that HE could be your nephew.

Joe Fox:
No, no, no - it's true - Annabelle is my, aunt. Isn't that right Aunt Annabelle?

Kathleen Kelly:
What is THAT? What ARE you doing? You're taking all the caviar? That caviar is a garnish.

Joe Fox:
Is it about love?

Joe Fox:
Please say no.

Kathleen Kelly:
No.

Kathleen Kelly:
How sweet is that?

Matthew Fox:
F-O-X

Kathleen Kelly:
That is amazing - you can spell 'fox'? Can you spell 'dog'?

Matthew Fox:
F-O-X

Joe Fox:
Whatever you do, just don't listen to anything I say.

Kathleen Kelly:
When you read a book as a child, it becomes a part of your identity in a way that no other reading in your whole life does.

Frank Navasky:
Joe Fox?

Joe Fox:
F-O-X

Frank Navasky:
The inventor of the superstore, of course. The enemy of the mid-list novel, the destroyer of 'City Books'. Tell me, how do you sleep at night?

Patricia Eden:
Ah. I use a wonderful, over the counter drug - 'Ultradorm'. Don't that the whole thing, just half, and you will wake up without even the tiniest hangover.

George Pappas:
This place is a tomb. I'm going to the nut shop where it's fun.

Joe Fox:
I better go deliver this

Joe Fox:
I have a very thirsty date - she's part camel.

Joe Fox:
Hello it's Mr. Nasty.

Birdie Conrad:
If you nee more ask me, I'm VERY rich. I bought Intel at six.

Joe Fox:
I hope she doesn't have one of those high squeaky voices like the mice in 'Cinderella', I hate that.

Kathleen Kelly:
You poor, sad, multimillionaire. I feel so sorry for you.

Kathleen Kelly:
He couldn't possibly be the rooftop killer.

Christina Plutzker:
Remember when you thought Frank might be the Una Bomber?

Kathleen Kelly:
That was different.

Birdie Conrad:
You are marching into the unknown armed with - nothing.

Birdie Conrad:
It wasn't meant to be.

Kathleen Kelly:
Why not?

Birdie Conrad:
He ran Spain.

Christina Plutzker:
Spain?

Birdie Conrad:
The Country. He ran it. It was his Job. And then he died. Just as well.

Frank Navasky:
A HOTDOG is singing. You need quiet while a hotdog is singing?

Joe Fox:
Mr. 152 Felony indictments.

Kathleen Kelly:
Mr. 152 insights into my soul.

Joe Fox:
Oh yeah. No competing with that.

Kathleen Kelly:
I hope your mango's ripe.

Joe Fox:
I think it is. Hey, you wanna bump into me on say, Saturday around lunch time?

Nelson Fox:
I just have to meet someone new, that's all. That's the easy part.

Joe Fox:
Oh right, year, a snap to find the one single person in the world who fills your heart with joy.

Kathleen Kelly:
I wanted it to be you; I wanted it to be you so badly.

Joe Fox:
Who cares about Kathleen Kelly?

Kevin:
Well... if you don't like Kathleen Kelly, I can tell you right now... you're not going to like this girl.

Joe Fox:
Why?

Kevin:
Because it *is* Kathleen Kelly.

Joe Fox:
I brought you flowers.

Kathleen Kelly:
Oughhh... thank you.

Joe Fox:
Don't cry, Shopgirl. Don't cry.

Kathleen Kelly:
I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be you so badly.

Kevin:
I always take a relationship to the next level. If that works out, I take it to the next level after that, until I finally reach that level when it becomes absolutely necessary for me to leave.

Kathleen Kelly:
I'm not nothing, I have a little money saved.

Birdie Conrad:
If you need more, ask me. I'm very rich, I bought Intel at 6!

Kathleen Kelly:
The truth is, he was the one who made me start thinking about writing --

Joe Fox:
Mister 152 Felony Indictments --

Kathleen Kelly:
Mister 152... insights into my soul.

Joe Fox:
Yeah. Well. Can't compete with that.

Kathleen Kelly:
Well. I keep bumping into you. Hope your mango's ripe.

Joe Fox:
I think it is.

Frank Navasky:
She fell in love with Generalissimo Franco?!

Kathleen Kelly:
Don't say that...really, we don't know that.

Frank Navasky:
Who else could it have been?! It was probably around 1960 --

Kathleen Kelly:
Do you want some popcorn?

Frank Navasky:
I can't believe this! I mean it's not like he was something normal like a socialist or an anarchist or something...

Kathleen Kelly:
It happened in Spain. People do really stupid things in foreign countries.

Frank Navasky:
Absolutely! They buy leather jackets for much more than they’re worth, but they don't fall in love with fascist dictators.

Christina:
You are so lucky.

George:
You could be dead.

Kathleen Kelly:
Are you crazy? This man couldn't possibly be the rooftop killer.

Christina:
Remember when you thought Frank might be the Unabomber?

Kathleen Kelly:
That was different.

Frank Navasky:
You are a lone reed standing tall, waving boldly in the corrupt sands of commerce.

Kathleen Kelly:
I am a lone reed?

Frank Navasky:
Lone reed.

Kathleen Kelly:
I am a lone reed.

Joe Fox:
What's his handle?

Kathleen Kelly:
Uh...

Joe Fox:
I'm not gonna write him if that's what you're worried about.

Kathleen Kelly:
Alright, N-Y-1-5-2.

Joe Fox:
N-Y-1-5-2. 152. He's 152 years old. He's had 152 moles removed so now he has 152 pockmarks on his face.

Kathleen Kelly:
The number of people who think he looks like Clark Gable.

Joe Fox:
152 people who thinks he looks like a Clark Bar.

Joe Fox:
[on Kathleen's missing date] So who is he, I wonder? Certainly not, I gather, the world's greatest living expert on Julius and Ethel Rosenberg. But somebody else entirely different. Will you be mean to him, too?

Kathleen Kelly:
No, I will not. Because the man who is coming here tonight is completely unlike you. The man who is coming here tonight is kind and funny, he has the most wonderful sense of humor...

Joe Fox:
But... he's not here.

Kathleen Kelly:
Well... if he's not here, he has a reason, because there is not a cruel or careless bone in his body. But I wouldn't expect you to understand anybody like that. You with your theme park, multi-level, homogenize-the-world mochaccino land. You've deluded yourself into thinking that you're some sort of benefactor, bringing books to the masses. But no one will ever remember you, Joe Fox. And maybe no one will remember me, either, but plenty of people remember my mother, and they think she was fine, and they think her store was something special. You are nothing but a suit!

[pause]

Joe Fox:
[gets up, crestfallen] That's my cue.

Joe Fox:
[to Kathleen Kelly] I would have asked for your phone number and I wouldn't have been able to wait 24 hours before calling and asking, "How about coffee, drinks, dinner, a movie, for as long as we both shall live?"

Joe Fox:
[to Kathleen Kelly about her internet friend NY152] Maybe he is fat. Yup. He's fat. He's a fatty.

Joe Fox:
[to Kathleen Kelly] Timing is everything. He waited until you were primed. Until you knew there was no other man you could ever love.

Joe Fox:
[to Kathleen Kelly (Shopgirl) in email] Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could pass all my zingers to you and then I would never behave badly and you could behave badly all the time and we'd both be happy? On the other hand, I must warn you that when you finally have the pleasure of saying the thing you mean to say at the moment you mean to say it, remorse inevitably follows.

Joe Fox:
[to Kathleen Kelly (Shopgirl) in instant message] The Godfather is the I Ching. The Godfather is the sum of all wisdom. The Godfather is the answer to any question. What should I pack for my summer vacation? 'Leave the gun, take the cannoli.' What day of the week is it? 'Maunday, Tuesday, Thursday, Wednesday.' And the answer to your question is 'Go to the mattresses.' You're at war. 'It's not personal, it's business. It's not personal it's business.' Recite that to yourself every time you feel you're losing your nerve. I know you worry about being brave, this is your chance. Fight. Fight to the death.

Joe Fox:
[to Kevin] I love Patricia. Patricia's amazing. Patricia makes coffee nervous.

Joe Fox:
[to Kevin] I said we were a piazza, where people could mingle and mix and be…I was eloquent.

Joe Fox:
[to Kathleen Kelly] I met a man in an elevator today who knew exactly what he wanted. And I found myself wishing I were as lucky as he.

Joe Fox:
[to Kathleen Kelly at bookstore] '(Balloons get caught in the door)' Good thing it wasn't the fish!

Kathleen Kelly:
[to Joe Fox, after first meeting him in "The Shop Around the Corner"] I started helping my mother after school here when I was six years old. And I used to watch her. And it wasn't that she was just selling books, it was that she was helping people become whoever it was (that) they were going to turn out to be. Because when you read a book as a child it becomes part of your identity in a way that no other reading in your whole life does...

Kathleen Kelly:
[to Joe Fox] You were spying on me, weren't you? You probably rented those children.

Kathleen Kelly:
[to Joe Fox] 'Joe. Just call me Joe.' As if you were one of those stupid 22-year-old girls with no last name. 'Hi, I'm Kimberley.' 'Hi, I'm Janice.' Don't they know you're supposed to have a last name? It's like they're an entire generation of cocktail waitresses.

Kathleen Kelly:
[to Joe Fox (NY152) in email] The odd thing about this form of communication is that you're more likely to talk about nothing than something. But I just want to say that all this nothing has meant more to me than so many somethings.

Kathleen Kelly:
[to Joe Fox (NY152) in email] Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, valuable, but small. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don’t really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So goodnight, dear void.

Kathleen Kelly:
[to Christina] It will be really easy to stop seeing him, because .... I'm not.

Frank Navasky:
[to Kathleen Kelly] Listen to this -- the entire workforce of the state of Virginia had to have solitaire removed from their computers -- because they hadn't done any work in six weeks.… You know what this is, you know what we're seeing here? We're seeing the end of Western civilization as we know it.

Frank Navasky:
[to Kathleen Kelly]The Olympia Report deluxe Electric. Report…as in gunshot.

Frank Navasky:
[to Sidney-Ann Strongin on television] Technologically speaking, the world's out of hand. Take the VCR. The whole idea of a VCR is that it makes it possible for you to tape what's on television while you're out of the house. But the whole point of being out of the house is so you can miss what's on television. Radio. Now there's a medium I can get behind.

Frank Navasky:
[to Sidney-Ann Strongin on television] Thank your.

Patricia Eden:
[to Joe Fox] I'm late. Random House fired Dick Atkins. Good riddance. Murray Chilton died. Which makes one less person I'm not speaking to -- (she drains a cup of espresso as a second starts to come out of the machine) Vince got a great review. He'll be insufferable. Tonight, PEN dinner…

Patricia Eden:
[to Frank Navasky, at dinner party] You know, what's always fascinated me about Julius and Ethel Rosenberg is how old they looked when they were really just our age.

George Papas:
[to Christina and Kathleen Kelly] Should I get sausage for the meat sauce or chopped meat..? No, you know what, I'm gonna get clam sauce, 'cuz this is a big date.

Joe Fox:
[to Kathleen Kelly at bookstore, describing his 4-year-old half-brother Matthew and 11-year-old aunt Annabel] Matt is my father's son. Annabel is my grandfather's daughter. We are -- an American family.

George Papas:
[to Christina and Kathleen Kelly] As far as I'm concerned, the Internet is just another way to be rejected by a woman.