Your Highness

King Tallious:
Please go and bathe yourself.

Thadeous:
Why must I bathe just because Fabious–

King Tallious:
Because you smell like the underside of a sheep's scrotum.

Fabious:
I want you to be gay with me and Father.

Thadeous:
I don't want to be gay with you two. I'd rather just stay in here with my blade and f*** things up.

Thadeous:
I'm sick and tired of everyone sucking up on your tits because you are to become King. All the while no one gives two turtle shits about me.

Fabious:
Thady, first borns like me become King. Second borns, well, you can be whatever you want to be.

Thadeous:
I want to be King.

Fabious:
Maybe we can both be King.

Thadeous:
No, I want to be King by myself.

Fabious:
You're going to be so handsome. Who is going to be the most handsome best man?

Thadeous:
Probably me.

Fabious:
Who's the prince with the most dashing moustache?

Thadeous:
Me.

Fabious:
Who gives the warmest hugs?

Thadeous:
Me, of course.

Fabious:
I love you, Thadeous.

Thadeous:
That's cool.

King Tallious:
It is finally time for you to become a man. You must journey with your brother to rescue his bride.

Thadeous:
Father, you can't be serious. If you want me to go on a quest, then let's start with something easy. Like, boiling a chicken or beating off in front of a Pegasus. Elementary things.

Wizard:
Come, come. Give me kisses.

[Fabious kisses the wizard]

Fabious:
[to Thadeous] Kiss him.

Thadeous:
F***, no.

Wizard:
Pretty please?

Fabious:
Kiss him on the mouth. Part of the quest. I do it every time I come.

Wizard:
Sit, sit. Fabious has been coming here since he was a boy.

Thadeous:
You did this when you were a child?

Fabious:
Yes. We had great times, didn't we?

Wizard:
Yes, yes, we did.

Thadeous:
You would kiss him?

Fabious:
Sometimes we would do other things.

Thadeous:
Like what?

Fabious:
When I was younger we'd take our shirts off and jump on the bed.

Wizard:
Playful secrets.

Wizard:
Breathe deeply of these herbs and share a vision with me.

Thadeous:
Yes, allow me to puff as well.

Fabious:
These are some powerful herbs. Giving me dark visions.

Thadeous:
Shall we pack this again? I'm not getting visions, I'm not sure if it's working, Wizard.

Fabious:
Thadeous, are you seeing what I'm seeing?

Thadeous:
You making a fool of yourself. Handle your sh*t, Fabious.

Wizard:
Not so fast. First, you must answer a riddle. What journey be long and twisted and sensitive at hand. To what end must man go to discover the depths of his ecstasy? Think hard strong warriors.

Fabious:
F***, I know this. I've got it! You want us to twist what is long with our sensitive hands.

Thadeous:
He wants us to jerk him off.

Leeza:
Can I have everyone's attention, I'd like to say a few words if I may. I have prepared this feast in honour and appreciation of Belladonna. It seems like it was only yesterday that we used sorcery to burn your village to the ground, come in and snatch you. And I remember looking at you all those years ago and thinking, wow that's a baby and that's the baby that someday I will have to have sex with. Now look at me, a 19 year old boy, almost a man, still a virgin.

Mother:
To the fuckening!

Courtney:
If I may be so bold Your Highness, what is the meaning of that ribbon that you hold?

Fabious:
This? It's a gift from Belladonna, a symbol of her virgin purity. I hold it and savor it.

Thadeous:
You do that instead of having sex with her?

Fabious:
Belladonna isn't like any maiden in the Kingdom. She behaves without judgement, defies expectation. When I first heard her voice a tear came to my eye and that tear turned to ice and I kept that frozen tear far from my heart that burns with passion. If she had a wound, I would kiss it. If she had a splinter, I would pull it from her flesh with my lips.

Thadeous:
Just say, we are too late and Leezar has had his way with her, would you still be able to be with her?

Fabious:
I don't want to think about that.

Thadeous:
But just say that we were moments late and he was able to...get her cookies.

Fabious:
Shut up.

Thadeous:
Yes, I know. But what if he butt f***ed her? Would you still like her?

Fabious:
Do I have to write you a poem? There has never been a love so true as ours.

Thadeous:
That's pure love.

Fabious:
Yes, it is.

Thadeous:
No, that's pure love. There's a naked woman standing behind you.

Fabious:
I've been bitten, I can't move my leg. You've got to suck out the venom.

Thadeous:
I don't want to suck it. You suck it.

Fabious:
I can't suck my own venom.

Thadeous:
Yes you can. I'll help you. Suck it, suck your venom.

Fabious:
I can't reach it with my mouth.

Thadeous:
Courtney, suck the venom.

Courtney:
I've never sucked veno-

Thadeous:
[pushes Courtney's head down] SUCK IT!

Thadeous:
It's coming, it's coming.

Thadeous:
Courtney, spit the load.

Fabious:
Excuse my brother, he's not familiar with the customs of the road.

Thadeous:
Do not touch me. Why are you making me look bad?

Fabious:
[catches Thadeous watching Isabel as she gets undressed to go for a swim in the pond] What you doing, brother?

Thadeous:
What right do you have scaring a man like that?!

Fabious:
What right have you to spy on a bathing woman from these shrubs?

Thadeous:
I'm simply keeping an eye on her. She is not like one of our dimwitted chamber maids that let me take them from behind. This one has me vexed. What exactly would it take for one to tame such an adventurous slut?

Fabious:
Well, I imagine she'd want a man to be honorable, bold, brave. Know his way round a blade. [Isabel looks over her shoulder straight towards Fabious and Thadeous]

Thadeous:
Oh, God! She's looking at us! Remain perfectly still. [Fabious and Thadeous freeze in their positions. Isabel ignores them, dives into the water and swims]

Isabel:
On a night just like this I returned home from a hunt, to find a bloodbath. Nothing remained of my six beloved brothers except for their severed heads on stakes. Their eyes had been plucked, their teeth taken as tokens. I wear this bracelet, forged at the steel of their shields as a constant reminder of my vow to avenge them.

Thadeous:
My only advice would be just to keep your head up, hang in there, live every day to the fullest, have sex as much as you can by campfire when you're all alone and your brother is out gathering wood. Just simple things like that.

Belladonna:
Look at yourself. Why would anyone ever want to be with you?

Leeza:
Hm, I'm not sure really. Oh yeah, perhaps because I'm rich, I live in a castle and I can do magic.

Leeza:
What are you laughing at?

Belladonna:
I was just thinking about your penis and how unusual it must look.

Leeza:
It doesn't look unusual.

Belladonna:
How do you know it's going to work?

Leeza:
Because I've tested it. And if your vagina is anything like my hand, there will be no problem.

Fabious:
Without that sword, how do we defeat Leeza?

Thadeous:
Maybe we can find some other way, with nets or something?

Fabious:
Nets?! Oh, that's a great plan. And meanwhile, Belladonna is going to get raped and die.

Thadeous:
We don't know for sure if she'll die.

Thadeous:
I shouldn't even be here! I will probably die on this quest, Courtney definitely will!

Fabious:
F*** Courtney. And f*** you. Maybe they're right, everything they say about you.

Thadeous:
They only say that stuff because of you, because you go out and have to pretend to be the best, and they look at me like I'm some sort of idiot. Everyone in the kingdom wants to suck your dick, no one wants to suck mine!

Courtney:
It's my birthday today, y'know.

Thadeous:
F*** that.

Thadeous:
Not so fast, trickster.

Isabel:
Hello, Thadeous.

Thadeous:
The time for pleasantries is through; do you feel that tiny prick in your back?

Isabel:
Is that your cock?

Thadeous:
Ha! No, Tis a knife but I'll gladly penetrate you with it.

Thadeous:
So, who were those handsome men you were talking to?

Isabel:
My contacts.

Thadeous:
Hm. By contacts do you mean men you trick into liking you so you can f*** them over?

Thadeous:
Please, these allegations, they're being greatly exaggerated. It was more or less just heavy petting with a brief moment of penetration.

Thadeous:
May we take pause for one moment? Look at courtney's new haircut, doesn't it make his head look like the tip of a penis? It's hilarious.

Thadeous:
I don't like this. Courtney, will you make funny faces to entertain me. [laughs] No! Never triangle face! I hate triangle face! It scares me.

Thadeous:
Isn't that amazing how he can talk and suck my cock at the same exact time.

Thadeous:
Some balls you have Simon, showing yourself to me. No matter what you say, we'll never be friends because I hate mechanical inventions. And you know this.

Thadeous:
Eugh. Leezar wants to make love to Belladonna to create a dragon. That's f***ing disgusting.

Thadeous:
Ew. Julie has no dick.

Thadeous:
That thing [Julie] is a dickless traitor.

Thadeous:
The only thing those tits will trap will be my warm spray.

Thadeous:
Guess what, I despise you. You're a bully and a whore.

Leezar:
I have heard that your Prince Fabious has made his bed recklessly with many maidens. And I heard that he has fungi on his genitalia as a result. Also, he organises orgies with wenches and barbarians alike and he takes sperm on him and gives it to women freely, spilling his seed will nilly as he makes his way through the orgy.

Leezar:
Will you shut up! I will love you less!