Zazoo U

Grizzle:
The best thing about gym is that it makes you sweat! It brings me closer to the world's smell record! [his sweatshirt tears off]

Grizzle:
See that? A personal vest with every class!

Tess:
I don't wanna smell, and I don't care if my blood is having a good time! I just want to know, why we have to have gym class! What are we learning?

Ms. Devine:
PLEASE! We shall learn, my dear, how we shall move, how we shall actually move through our very special lives when we grow up!

Tess:
What was that? Was it gym? I mean, what did it all mean, you know what I mean?

Ms. Devine:
Oh, tomboyish little girl, I must have a chat with you!

Tess:
Uh... you must?

Ms. Devine:
Yes, dear, I must! I must talk woman-to-woman with you! For you and I, Tess dear, are the ONLY women here! And I have decided to be your role model!

Tess:
You... you have?

Ms. Devine:
Yes! And I want to instruct you in the ways of women! Come, Tess!

Boink:
Can I come too?

Ms. Devine:
Yes, but only if you wear this! This IS after all GIRL Talk! [puts a wig on Boink]

Boink:
Well, this is weird. I never saw myself as a blonde.

Tess:
Wow, the teacher's lounge! Boink, we're in the Teacher's Lounge!

Boink:
[the wig covering his head] They sure keep it dark in here...

Ms. Devine:
I am WOMAN! I use make-up! Lots and lots of make-up! Lipstick, rouge, eyeliner, mascara! Won't you join me in MY world? Don't you want to know the Meaning of Life?

Tess:
Uh, no...

Boink:
Sure you do, I gotta see how this ends!

Boink:
Do I have "Welcome" written on my back?

Tess:
Look on the bright side: they took off that ridiculous makeup! I mean, if wearing makeup is the Meaning of Life, I'm in for a long rough rest of my life. I mean, that can't be the Meaning of Life!

Boink:
Then what is?

Tess:
I don't know. But I'm gonna find out.

Tess:
There's gotta be something about the Meaning of Life in the library, don't you think?

Boink:
Um, I already asked... that book's been checked out.

Boink:
[at the library] Yoohoo! Doctor Russell, come out! Don't be afraid, we're only students! [a heap of books fall on Boink and Tess]

Tess:
Hey, watch it, you big... [sees it was Doctor Russell]

Tess:
...intellectual, you.

Dr. Russell:
Are you students operative?

Boink:
What'd you say? I can't hear you!

Dr. Russell:
Your exceedingly low altitude renders you profoundly incomprehensible, I'm afraid!

Tess:
I can't understand him. I mean, I can never understand him, but now I can't even hear him either, understand?

Dr. Russell:
Ah, I comprehend!

Ms. Devine:
Greetings! It's time for another beauty moment!

Boink:
Do I have to wear the wig?

Ms. Devine:
[drops it on him] Yes!

Bully:
Piano! I've had this piano all day long, without a problem! Maybe this one will last... [Tess runs into him]

Bully:
Maybe not...

Bully:
[recites Professor Zork's poem] Music! The Meaning of Life, is music! You see, all of creation - you, me, the flowers and even the bugs - have a song to sing, our own melody within the big picture! The Meaning of Life is found in our search and our singing of that song!

Boink:
That's... that's really beautiful, man.

Tess:
Wow, I didn't know Zork could write like that.

Bully:
He can't. He took it off the back of a box of Yuppy Puppy cereal. But I like it!

Tess:
Geez, shot down again! I just can't believe the Meaning of Life comes from the back of a box of cereal!

Boink:
[looks at the box] Well, it says here Yuppy Puppy's the breakfast of champion philosophers...

Tess:
It's lunchtime, and I still don't know the Meaning of Life!

Boink:
Oh, well. A Zen Master once said, "When you finish your dinner, wash your plate."

Tess:
What does that mean?

Boink:
I don't know, my mom uses paper plates...

Bully:
Found this great Tibetan gift shop run by this guy named Karl!

Tess:
A video cassette about the Meaning of Life?

Boink:
Don't think about it, play it! We've only got a little bit of time before classes start!

Boink:
Mr Seymour won't mind playing the tape for you.

Tess:
Mr Seymour lives in that TV, I don't think he has a choice!

Seymour:
You're right, I don't! But YOU do!

Tess:
[sucked into Seymour's TV] Do I get extra credit for this?

Seymour:
No, just a warm feeling of personal accomplishment!

[Seymour plays the tape, a mountain range appears]

Tess:
So where's the Meaning of Life?

Seymour:
Impatient, aren't we? Look, my dear: this is Tibet, that's a mountain, and if clich?s hold true, you gotta climb the mountain, find a wise guy named Karl at the top, and take it from there!

Tess:
It's the top... the tape's been running all this time - Jeez, I could have fast-forwarded it to the top!

Tess:
[sees Boink working at Karl's] What are you doing here?

Boink:
[sheepish] Part-time after-school job. Saving up to buy a bike.

Tess:
[sees a menu of courses] "Why am I here?" "Why are they here?" "Why are you here?" "The Meaning of Life."

Tess:
One Meaning of Life, please.

Boink:
You want fries with that?

Tess:
Uh-huh, I missed lunch.

Poem Reader:
Life is like a ride in the Tunnel of Love: sometimes it's dark, and sometimes it's scary, / especially when it's big, green and hairy. / But sometimes it's happy, and sometimes it's sweet / and sometimes a good time to just take a seat. Have a nice ride, Tess.

Tess:
But WHY do we have to have gym class? What's the point of wearing stupid outfits and jumping up and down like a jerk?

Boink:
[opens a chart] It increases blood flow! See, each one of my blood cells gets real, real happy when I jump up and down and make them go real fast! If you took them to a fun park, they'd go right for the rollercoaster! Sometimes, my blood has more fun than I do!

[Tess and Boink are smeared in make-up]

Tess:
You look... just like a...

Slogo, Logan:
CLOWNS!

Slogo:
Clowns from circus, Logan! I cannot believing our joy!

Logan:
This must be new acrobatical-type clown act Papa is hiring!

Slogo:
Coming on clowns, let us be flying! [Slogo and Logan try to throw Boink and Tess in the air]

[a bell rings]

Logan:
Is live-action kids!

Slogo:
Running for your lifesky!

Tess:
What's the Meaning of Life?

Dr. Russell:
I love that question!

Boink:
Yeah, could you give us the short answer?

Dr. Russell:
Well, I can't. But the philosopher Kierkegaard can. Kirky said "Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards." Adios, muchachos. [walks away, backwards]

Boink:
Kirky, huh? Think they go bowling together?

Tess:
First I get painted, then attacked by acrobats! And now I'm confused by a philosopher who bowls!

Tess:
I... I'm wearing high heels! Oooh, I think being up this high is giving me a nosebleed...

Ms. Devine:
Tish tosh, dear! You'll get used to them, I did! [Ms Devine trips and falls]

Ms. Devine:
Oopsy... [slinks off]

Tess:
Well, as long as you're here, I might as well ask: do you know the Meaning of Life?

Grizzle:
No. But let me tell you about my ancient Viking ancestor, who went in search of the Meaning of Life. [a fantasy setting appears]

Grizzle:
It was a day like any other day, when Grizzle the Red went in search for the Meaning of Life. He knew he had many dangerous and often weird obstacles to surmount, not the least weirdest of which was the fire-breathing Rarf! Fortunately, Rarfs come in one size only. But then came his greatest challenge: the Fatal Fjord of Food! Which is kinda like a giant outdoor school cafeteria only with more hidden dangers and a better selection of entrees. Grizzle the Red almost bought it in the underflow of a lake of chopped liver... only to fall prey to a French fry avalanche! Oh, they were the really good kind too: crunchy on the outside, tender and moist on the inside. Suddenly, his goal was in sight! His long quest was almost over... when he fell into an ocean of sour cream! Grizzle the Red struggled! Could this be the end? What will become of this heroic Viking?

Tess:
Well, I was running all over the place, looking for the answer. And then I took a break... I started to think... and somehow, it's like the answer was always inside of me.

[Tess is talking with Boink and Grizzle]

Boink:
[pulls out wigs] Better slap this on, here comes Miss Devine! Here, Griz, I'll explain later... [jams a wig on himself and Grizzle]

Ms. Devine:
There you are, Tess! I want to take you on a shopping field trip to the mall!

Tess:
Um... Miss Devine, this beauty stuff isn't really my thing, you know, I kinda like the way I am, if that's okay with you, you know what I mean?

Ms. Devine:
Well, of course I do! I'm a teacher! Ta-ta! [as she turns to leave, she spots Griz]

Ms. Devine:
Well, thank goodness! This school is finally getting more female students! We must chat later!

[during Professor Zork's music lesson, a fire breaks out, necessitating the fire sprinklers to flood the class]

Ms. Devine:
Oh, dear! What a mess! Whatever were you conducting, Professor, a rain dance?

Ms. Devine:
This is Home Economics, and more specifically: wonderful ways with food, a total experience! In my class, you will be exposed to new food ideas! Use them wisely! And never, never, never be mundane! Be creative, be daring! [Behind her back, Rarf makes faces at Griz, who attacks him]

Tess:
[sees three tunnels] You know what this means, don't you?

Boink, Bully:
No!

Tess:
Jeez, when you gotta explain simple plot devices... we split up, each of us takes a different tunnel!

Boink, Bully:
Oh, yeah!

Bully:
Why didn't we think of that?

Boink:
Well, Tess's mom and dad let her stay up late and watch old movies...

Ms. Devine:
Attention! Your attention, please! I have a simply FABULOUS lesson planned! We are going to have a cooking contest! Yes, a bake-off!

Grizzle:
All right, a bake-off! Something I can really sink my teeth into, literally! I'll eat the losing entries! Aw, is this a great class or what?

Logan:
Am preparing special dish old-country food! Is beloved Papa's favourite: Czechy a la shingle! But first, must perform Czechy old-time old-country good-luck custom! Am needing special ingredient, not found in earth Mother's kitchen... [gets a whip and chair]

[Boink is sucked into a pinball game]

Boink:
You know, I never really got into pinball before. This could be fun, challenging. [a giant ball appears]

Boink:
Then again...

Tess:
[knocks on a door] Hello, Mr Janitor? It's okay, I'm a student! I'm not even selling girl scout cookies!

[a pot pie gone wrong]

Grizzle:
Too bad this wasn't a Rarf pot pie!

Ms. Devine:
Five minutes, class! Five minutes before judging!

Grizzle:
Oh, no! Five minutes! I've failed, I don't have anything ready! I'm gonna fail Home Ec! This is not gonna look good on my resume! Oh, if I don't pass I wont graduate, if I don't graduate I wont get a good job, and if I don't get a good job... I'll have to live at home when I'm an adult!

[Rarf hurls dog food at Griz]

Grizzle:
Hey, watch it!... I think I just passed this class. [grabs a box of dog food... ]

[Rarf runs from the amorous mouse into Ms Devine's arms]

Ms. Devine:
Oh, Rarfy, whatever is the matter with you? Is this one of those dreary little instinctive things you lower animals have from time to time?

Grizzle:
Cereal and milk: it's simple, it's edible, it's worth a passing grade. Yeah, you'd have to be a real jerk to mess it up! [Rarf sneakily mixes in cement]

Grizzle:
[fixes a hot dog] What could possibly go wrong with a hot dog? Heck, I didn't even cook it! [Rarf steals the sausage]

Grizzle:
Oh where, oh where has my little dog gone? [Rarf cackles]

Grizzle:
As if I didn't know! Hand it over, Rarf and I MAY let you live!... On second thought, NAH! [Griz charges, Rarf drops him into a bowl of dripping]

Grizzle:
[his sundae sabotaged] I wonder if there's a recipe for Chicken-Fried Rarf...

[a fire sprinkler goes off, Boink takes out some potted plants]

Boink:
This is a lot easier than getting my plants a drink at the water fountain...

Bully:
Secret doorway...

Boink:
Think this is where they keep the secret mops?

[a fire sprinkler goes off]

Grizzle:
[opens an umbrella] Whoa, almost got wet!

Tess:
Thank goodness, if he got wet he'd be a mudslide!

Boink:
[turns off the water supply to the sprinklers] Too bad we can't do this at picnics...

[at the janitor's office]

Tess:
Do we knock?

Boink:
Nah, let's bravely go where no student has gone before.

Bully:
This is a tense moment...

Slogo Bonito:
A contest! Am living for winning! What are we waiting for? Let us get cooking!

Grizzle:
Let's see... I should create something I know and love. But they've already taken out the garbage, so I'll just have to improvise.

Grizzle:
[makes a sundae] Okay, stick with what you know and love and you will NEVER go wrong! And believe me, I know and love this stuff!

Boink:
My dad told me about hula hoops... not much to tell.

Bully:
Rain... I like it!

Ms. Devine:
[to Boink, Tess and Bully] Would you and you and, oh yes, you, be dears and find the janitor? Tell him to bring a mop!

Boink, Bully, Tess:
Janitor?

Ms. Devine:
Yes! You, know, those quaint lonely men with the names on their pockets? Tell him to clean up this mess, immediatement!

Grizzle:
What mess?

Tess:
Oh, great. It's pitch black, how are we gonna find anything in this?

Boink:
I got an idea! [a lightbulb, symbolizing an idea, forms; he puts it on]

Bully:
Bright idea!

Slogo Bonito:
Must be creating mood for food, food I lovesky, food of my people, food of CIRCUS! [puts up a circus tent]

Slogo Bonito:
Men and gentleladies! Boys and girlskies! Directing attention to center ring, please! Where me, Slogo Bonito, is attempting to make unbelievababble circus food! Am asking for total silence please.

Slogo Bonito:
Cotton candy, popcorn, candy apples, hot dogs... the best circus food in world! [mixes it all together]

Slogo Bonito:
The prize is for suring to be mine!

Logan:
Am bringing back live Sibebebeberian large mouse! Is special good-luck ingredient for Czechy a la shingle! [gets scissors]

Logan:
But not to be using whole king-size mouse, only insy-winsy teeny-tiny part! The good luck part! [snips off the mouse's hairlocks]

Poem Reader:
I dreamed of a place called Yesterday's Zoo / that was full of friends I never knew. / Ten dinosaurs from distant shores hid underneath my bed / As nine pigeons searched for passages and nests inside my head. / Eight late, but great gray wallabies wondered what to do / As seven silent quaggas sat and stared outside the Zoo. / Six Falkland Island foxes fought and wrestled in the sand / As five quackers from Guadeloupe flew high above the land. / Four great hawks with four small clocks watched as time went by / Three wrens from Stephens Island sang a song that just asked "Why?" / Two dodo birds forgot the words, so they just hummed along / To that antiquated and outdated, twice-forgotten song. / One final thing, and then I'll bring this dream to its conclusion / and hope that I can simplify, without too much confusion: / All these friends I never knew / are now part of Yesterday's Zoo. / And all the friends I've yet to meet: the tiger, whale and the lorikeet / the dolphin, owl and the elephant and a thousand more, less eloquent... / See, dreams can sometimes happen, and dreams just might come true! / My dream is that my friends today stay out of Yesterday's Zoo.

Ms. Devine:
And the winner, although you all performed magnificently, is... Grizzle, who created these wonderful, delicious meat cookies! I simply must have the recipe for my next get-together! And now, dear present boy, your prize: the rare opportunity to care for and nurture my precious Rarfy-poo for an entire three-day weekend! [hands Rarf to Griz]

Grizzle:
[grinning] I'm so honoured, Miss Devine! We're gonna be the bestest buddies there ever was! I've even got a special little playmate just for Rarfy-poo... [Griz walks home with Rarf and the Siberian mouse]

Grizzle:
Say, Rarf, did I tell you my dad bought some new power tools?

Rarf:
NOOO!

Grizzle:
Just what I thought you'd say...