Zorro: The Gay Blade

[after spraining his ankle]

Don Diego:
My father would be very disappointed in me. To have come all this way and miss my destiny by... a foot.

Esteban:
A little clumsy, are you not, my friend?

Zorro:
To be your friend I would have to be more than clumsy. I would have to be stupid.

Esteban:
Is your blade as sharp as your tongue?

Zorro:
Is yours as dull as your wit?

Florinda:
What do the people need roads for? They never go anywhere.

Florinda:
Why didn't I marry you instead of Esteban?

Don Diego:
Probably because he asked you and I did not.

Don Diego:
Los Angeles, California. The birthplace of... me.

Charlotte Taylor Wilson:
I'm Charlotte Taylor Wilson. I'm with the People's Independence Committee.

Don Diego:
Don Diego Vega. I'm with the greedy bloodsuckers.

Charlotte Taylor Wilson:
You don't really believe the people are happy!

Don Diego:
All I know is the soldiers are quite happy shooting the people who say the people are not happy.

[Diego is about to be shot]

Charlotte Taylor Wilson:
You're the bravest man I've ever met.

Don Diego:
I'm very impressed with myself, too.

Ramon Vega:
Two bits, four bits, six bits, a peso. All for Zorro, stand up and say so!

Don Diego:
He is a mute.

Esteban:
Bueno! Perhaps he can give lessons to my wife.

Bunny Wigglesworth:
They say the Navy makes men. I'm living proof - they made ME!

Zorro:
You recognize that famous sign?

Old Man:
Si senior. It is a Two.

Zorro:
That is a Z!

Old Man:
But in the school, that is how they teach my granddaughter to draw a Two.

Zorro:
*I* say it is a *Z* - For El Zorro!

Esteban:
You naughty, evil Alcalde! I'm going to do such terrible things to you!

Esteban:
What commands priests to wear such strange clothing?

Bunny Wigglesworth:
We are followers of Peter the Dressmaker. He was Christ's tailor.

Bunny Wigglesworth:
Black is tacky.

[last lines]

Don Diego Vega:
If I give my land to the people, where are we going to live?

Charlotte Taylor Wilson:
Boston!

Don Diego Vega:
Boston?

Charlotte Taylor Wilson:
Yes! It is the only civilized city. They have the best art, the best music...

Don Diego Vega:
You have to be kidding me! I was in Boston for a week, and I never heard a decent Mariachi playing.

Bunny Wigglesworth:
[with un-painted side of face showing, speaking like a woman] Help! Help! The Alcalde has all my money!

Bunny Wigglesworth:
[turns around, with this side of face painted like Zorro, speaking very slowly and deeply] Have no fear, El Zorro is here!

Soldier:
Where is your invitation, Senor Beaver?

Esteban:
It is a beautiful day... for a Reign of *terror*!

Florinda:
[hiding in a box, where Esteban's angry sword thrust has just narrowly missed skewering her breasts] Thank goodness for small favors!

Florinda:
[regarding Esteban] Do you know he only makes love to me 12 times a year?

Don Diego:
Well, once a month is not so bad.

Florinda:
No, he makes love to me 12 times in one night and then, zip, nothing!

Esteban:
[threatening Charlotte Taylor Wilson with execution in order to lure and trap Zorro] Do you wish for a blindfold?

Charlotte Taylor Wilson:
No. The eyes of freedom will always see through the blindfolds of tyranny. And the bonds of oppression will always be broken with muscles of liberty.

Esteban:
[to Zorro] I know you will not kill an innocent man... or me either, for that matter.

Charlotte Taylor Wilson:
[Zorro about to be executed in her place] I have only one regret... that you will not live to see the glorious revolution that you have brought about...

Zorro:
[to himself] Why doesn't she say something like, I will love you forever? When's she going to say that?

Charlotte Taylor Wilson:
I will love you forever!

Charlotte Taylor Wilson:
How can there be two of you?

Zorro:
You always say, when the revolution came, there would be more for everyone.

Bunny Wigglesworth:
[to Diego] Know me? Sink me! We were once womb-mates!

Esteban:
Say something like a sissy girl.

Don Diego:
Something like a sissy girl...

Esteban:
No... you know. Swing... your... hips. [puts hands on hips] Make them sway and flap your wings.

Esteban:
[to guards] Remember, he is cunning, he is crafty. He's not just going to walk in here and say 'Here I am!'

Zorro:
Here I am!

Don Diego:
What I would give to have one night in your bootsies.

Ramon Vega:
In my Bootsies?

Esteban:
I have always depended on people being nicer than me, and I have never in my life been disappointed.

Don Fernando from San Diego:
He wears his clothes well. I could never get into his pants.

Florinda:
I bet I could.

Don Diego:
Bravo, my brother. You've really proven yourself tonight. Is there anything I can do to make you change your mind about staying?

Bunny Wigglesworth:
I'm afraid not. In two days from now, my ship sails for England. But tell Esteban that if he wants to keep in touch with me, tell him to write to 'Wiggy' of the Royal Navy based in Portsmouth. But only if he's serious.

Don Diego:
[teasing Charlotte Taylor Wilson] Do you think you are helping the pipple by telling them they have an occent when they do not have an occent?

Ramon Vega:
There is e-somethin' wrong wid joo bowels [vowels].

Charlotte Taylor Wilson:
My what?

Ramon Vega:
Joo bowels. Joo a's, joo e's joo i's, o's, u's.

Bunny Wigglesworth:
There is no shame in being poor! Only in dressing poorly!

Esteban:
[Referring to their annual lovemaking] Do you know that little thing we do one night every year?

Florinda:
[Eagerly] Yes! Oh, yes!

Esteban:
We still have three months to go!

Florinda:
You beast!

Don Diego:
I am astonished that you would enter my house without my permission.

Husband:
I might say the same about you and my wife!

Bunny (as Margarita) as the Alcade gropes her:

"Oh. You take my breasts away!"

THIS IS CORRECTED VERSION OF QUOTE ABOVE

Diego Vega:

There is e-somethin' wrong wid joo bowels [vowels].

Ramon Vega:
:

My what?

Diego Vega:

Joo bowels. Joo a's, joo e's joo i's, o's, u'