3rd Rock from the Sun, Season 2

Tommy:
You work at the university.

Evil Dick:
[smugly] Ah, so I run the university.

Tommy:
Well, not so much run as teach a physics class.

Evil Dick:
I'm a teacher? Were all the janitor's jobs taken?

Evil Dick:
You see, I am building the greatest incubator these puny humans have ever known. And when it is completed, I will spawn my own private army of -

[The crew stares at him apprehensively]

Evil Dick:
Of... fuzzy Easter chicks.

Evil Dick:
Watch the destruction my little device wreaks on the world you love so well.

Dick:
[outraged] What have you done to our toaster?

Dick:
Oh, Mary! You have to get away from here!

Mary:
You want me to try to escape?

Dick:
Yes!

Mary:
[pretending to struggle] Oh, let me go, let me go! How's that?

[Dick wants to tell Mary that he's an alien, but the others forbid it]

Sally:
Well fine, but let it be on your own head!

Tommy:
Which will probably be sitting next to our heads on a tray somewhere in New Mexico!

Harry:
[to people who haven't yet seen a movie] Attention, ticket holders! At the end of the movie, when the President turns out to be an alien and he barbecues all the Congressmen, don't believe it because aliens hate barbecue!

Harry:
I say we hold an alien pride parade!

Tommy:
You're gonna be like some sort of alien Martin Luther King?

Harry:
Exactly. Because I, too, have a dream. And in that dream I'm naked on a ferris wheel.

Sally:
The worst part is I'm still a virgin!

Mary:
Oh my God, you're a virgin?

Sally:
Yes, it's horrible!

Mary:
No, it's perfectly all right for you to save yourself for the right man.

Sally:
Like you did for Dick?

Mary:
[a shocked look on her face, after a long pause] Yes.

Tommy:
People change for their lovers all the time. For example, I stopped wearing Old Spice and August stopped telling me to stop wearing Old Spice.

[Mary consoling Sally after her break up]

Mary:
. . . I like you Sally.

Sally:
I didn't know you liked me

Mary:
Well I do, you're strong, opinionated, intelligent young woman, unpredictable at time, a little scary, but hell that's you.

Sally:
That is me, I like me too, but why didn't Mr. Randall?

Mary:
Well he's just not the right guy for you, but you'll find someone, I mean just look at you: those legs, that hair...

Sally:
Please I've been dragged through the muck enough today!

Mary:
Just chop this up to experience.

Sally:
Thanks Dr. Albright, you're so nice. I always thought you were such a bitch.

Mary:
Oh I am. But hell, that's me.

Tommy:
Harry, I need a ride.

Harry:
Nope.

Tommy:
You know, I outrank you.

Harry:
In that case... no, sir!

[Harry is watching "Looney Tunes" and Tommy wants a ride from him]

Tommy:
I'll tell you what: if the Road Runner wins this next one, you take me, but if he doesn't... I'll never ask you again.

Harry:
Okay, you're on. I've seem this next scheme before and it's far too brilliant to fail twice.

Dick:
What's the point of having a democracy, if everybody's going to vote wrong?

Gansmiller:
[about Harry] Damn! No past, no experience, no record... the perfect candidate.

Dick:
Badgers don't suck! They bite!

Dick:
Ah, yes, the "big game." God forbid your intellectual development should get in the way of the "big game." The fate of humanity rests on the outcome of the "big game."

Bug:
Is he being sarcastic?

Tommy:
I've got to be in a regular school; one with metal detectors and pregnant cheerleaders.

Dick:
I'm banned? Well guess what, Tommy didn't even want to come to this robot-factory-outlet. I made him. Me! Me! Me! Now I'm putting him back into a real school, where he can be himself. Not a school where kids are judged on how well they test or much they know. Where they aren't judged at all! Where they have the freedom to stay faceless and nameless. From K through twelve, carrying their diplomas straight through the golden arches, and on into their waiting McJobs! C'mon, Tommy, we're going home.

[Mrs. Dubcek wants the aliens to babysit her grandson]

Mrs. Dubcek:
He's had his nap and he's just been changed.

Sally:
What was he before?

Mrs. Dubcek:
He's got teeth coming in.

Harry:
Well, don't worry; we'll sign for them.

Dick:
[explaining Thanksgiving] It's a national holiday.

Tommy:
What, like Big Giant Head Day?

Dick:
Similar...except that no one gets thrown into the sun.

[Tommy picks up two pool balls, holds them in the air and then drops them so they land back on the table]

Tommy:
Excuse me, this game's not three-dimensional, is it?

Tommy:
Okay, could you give me an example of what's funny?

August:
I thought the movie Emma was very funny.

Tommy:
What was so funny about it?

August:
It was full of irony.

Tommy:
Okay, so irony's funny?

August:
Yeah, because you say one thing while the opposite is actually true.

Tommy:
Oh, like when you said Emma was going to be a really great movie when it actually sucked out loud?

Harry:
I lost more than a coat, Tommy. I lost a friend - a buddy - a companion who kept me warm when it was cold and warmer when it was kind of too hot to be wearing a coat.

Dick:
Who needs Christmas anyway? I say bug humbar.

Nina:
You know, this is the only time of year I like White music.

Harry:
Thank you for seeing me, Father. I didn't know where else to turn.

Priest:
Well, that's why they pay me the big bucks.

Dick:
Welcome to Rusty's. How may I serve you?

Customer:
How do you make your burgers?

Dick:
Excellent question. First, a clamp comes down onto the cow's head, forcing it onto a conveyor belt, where a prod is inserted into the cow's rectum, electrocuting it.

Customer:
Gimme two.

Dick:
Thank you, and remember: at Rusty's, E-coli is not on the menu.

Doug:
Stop saying that!

Officer Don:
Hamlet? The story is as old as time: Pretty boy son has a rich daddy and a good-looking mommy. The uncle knocks off daddy, marries mommy and he cuts pretty boy out of the action. So junior goes crazy and he kills them all. Not a pretty story... but there it is.

Tommy:
Isn't that the plot to The Lion King?

Dick:
You were good: you had delivery, presence, timing, you just didn't have that indefinable something extra.

Tommy:
I was just trying to score some points with my girlfriend, is that too much to ask?

Dick:
Romeo and Juliet is a Shakespearian tragedy, it has nothing to do with a horny teenager and his girlfriend!

Mary:
Have a little compassion, Sally. We're healthy; we have to help him.

Sally:
I say he's lame. Shoot him.

[Tommy is selling chocolate door-to-door and he encounters a priest at one door]

Tommy:
Hi, Father, I'm selling chocolate so the high-school band can go to Washington... and learn about Christianity...so they can become priests.

[The priest closes the door in Tommy's face]

Tommy:
Fine then; they'll stay here in Rutherford and worship Satan!

Michael:
You see, I would like to stay very much, but your government isn't so nice.

Sally:
Except for Abraham Lincoln, right?

Sally:
It's what women are supposed to do; get married, have babies, hire total strangers to raise them and then wonder where they went wrong.

Sally:
You could never handle my job.

Harry:
I could do it with my eyes closed!

Tommy:
You do everything with your eyes closed.

Tommy:
[about August] I don't understand her.

Sally:
What's to understand? Kill her and get a new one.

Harry:
Oh, no, you can't do that. You've got to get a new one and then you kill her.

Sally:
The Official Boy Scouts' Guidebook. Who're the Boy Scouts?

Harry:
They're an elite, prepubescent, paramilitary society and I'm going to follow their ways.

Sally:
But Harry, you're neither elite nor prepubescent.

Harry:
All in good time, Sally... all in good time.

Harry:
[while playing Monopoly] Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass go, do not collect $200 and do not, I repeat do not drop the soap.

Dick:
I'm tired of feeling like a Catholic schoolboy always getting his knuckles rapped by the nun he's dating.

Judith:
Men, can't live with them, [Long Pause] good night Mary. [She leaves]

Dick:
What's going on?

Nina:
Oh, she's having a big affair.

Dick:
What? You tramp!

Mary:
Dick, it's a catered affair.

Dick:
You're cheating on me and your diet?

Sally:
So you're saying that when a 300-pound soprano and a 250-pound tenor dress in funny costumes and take 15 minutes to die, that's art. But when the Gravedigger takes on the Caped Canadian, that's trash? I'm sorry, I don't get it.

Dick:
I don't mean to panic anyone, but I'm afraid the calamari has been infested with baby squid.

Dick:
Where would we be without the agitators of the world to attach the electrodes of knowledge to the nipples of ignorance?

Judith:
We will now deliberate and return with a guilty verdict.

Dick:
You'll only have to perform the most basic of tasks. You've sent out mail before.

Harry:
Nope.

Dick:
Well, you've stapled before...

Harry:
I have not.

Dick:
Surely you've used a paperclip.

Harry:
Oh! You mean those cotton things you put in your ears?

Dick:
Harry, how many fingers am I holding up?

Harry:
Two!

Dick:
You're hired.

Dick:
Harry, did I get any phone calls?

Harry:
Oh, yes, it rang repeatedly.

Dick:
And... who called?

Harry:
Well, I don't know, Dick, I'm not clairvoyant.

Mary:
Does this mean you've come to your senses and you're going to apologize to Nina?

Dick:
No, I will never come to my senses!

Tommy:
Sally, they want you to appear on Good Afternoon, Rutherford.

Harry:
That's my second-favorite show!

Dick:
What's your first-favorite?

Harry:
Good Morning, Rutherford.

Dick:
Can we take more than one?

Nina:
Take as much as you want! Nobody's going to be at this thing.

Mary:
Don't be so insensitive.

Nina:
[to Dick] Yeah, shame on you!

Sally:
Don, what happens to people? Are they born mad or do one day their minds just snap?

Officer Don:
If only we knew, Sally. One minute little Johnny Normal is on his paper route and the next there's a pile of dead bank guards and Johnny is using Grandma as a human shield.

[Dick and Sally are doped out on antidepressants]

Sally:
I like TV.

Dick:
Me too. Let's say we turn it on. [he turns it on]

Sally:
It's even better on.

Vicki:
(after having sex with Harry on the kitchen table)...I've never felt this way before.

Harry:
...I've never felt this sticky before.