The Shield, Season One

Dutch:
[about a dead body] Christ, you don't see a rack like that everyday

Claudette:
You wanna give them a squeeze?

Vic:
That's funny. I don't recall having signed up for an ethics lesson from a scumbag defense lawyer.

Lonnie Reeborg:
I killed her. I killed my sweet Nancy! What did I do that for?

Dutch:
'Cause you like crack?

Claudette:
Right now Vic Mackey may look like a mighty big catch to you. Do the smart thing, son. Cut bait.

David:
It doesn't bother you, the things that he does?

Claudette:
I don't judge other cops.

David:
Mackey's not a cop. He's Al Capone with a badge.

Claudette:
Al Capone made money by giving people what they wanted. What people want these days is to make it to their cars without getting mugged. Come home from work and see their stereo is still there. Hear about some murder in the barrio, find out the next day the police caught the guy. If having all those things means some cop roughed up some n*gger or some spic in the ghetto...well, as far as most people are concerned it's don't ask, don't tell.

Dr. Grady:
What's in the bag?

[From a brown paper bag, Mackey pulls a bottle of booze, a phone book, keys, a lighter and box cutter. He then lays them on the table in front of Grady.]

Dr. Grady:
What's that stuff for?

Vic:
It's what I'm gonna use to get you to tell me where Jenny Reeborg is.

Dr. Grady:
Your turn to play bad cop?

Vic:
Nah, good cop and bad cop left for the day, I'm a different kinda cop.

Dr. Grady:
[To the surveillance camera] I'm ready to see my lawyer now.

Vic:
[to Dutch] Go get a sandwich, Dutchboy.

[Watching a kid get beat to join a gang.]

Gangbanger:
Bienvenido a La Vida!

Julien:
What's he saying?

Danny:
Welcome to the life.

Danny:
Where the hell were you last night?

Julien:
What do you mean?

Danny:
Detective Crowley got shot. I left you a message.

Julien:
Yeah, I got it.

Danny:
So?

Julien:
So...you didn't say anything about me having to come down.

Danny:
I shouldn't have to. A fellow officer was dying in that hospital.

Julien:
I said a prayer for him.

Danny:
A prayer?

Julien:
Yeah.

[Danny stares at him]

Julien:
What? I've been on the job three weeks, I didn't even know that guy.

Danny:
Rule number one, he was a cop. That means you knew him.

Dutch:
What do you do for fun with all that free time?

Richard:
I have some hobbies.

Dutch:
I know, nice sperm collection.

Lem:
That is the hottest chick there ever was, man!

Tripp:
Her? That's a par. Got me another in Detroit, goddamn BIRDIE.

Shane:
Big deal, she's probably spread her legs for half the league.

Tripp:
Too bad you can't make a jump shot.

Vic:
They stitch you up okay?

Connie:
Between this and my cesarean, I'm a god damned road map.

Vic:
[on the phone] Come on Captain, you know how those rich pricks are, he probably has his face snorkel deep in some broad's snatch. In a few hours he'll come up for air.

Aceveda:
[to the lawyer] You know how those celebrities are, he's probably with a female admirer. Give it a few hours. He'll turn up.

Shane:
We killed a cop.

Vic:
Get over it, don't bring it up again.

[Dutch is ogling a stripper's bare behind, where she has sustained a minor bullet wound]

Vic:
Dutch, how many times I gotta tell you--you can't feel up the women.

Dutch:
She took one in the ass, but it's--

Vic:
--not the first time. Right. That's a good one.

Dutch:
[After failing to catch Eduardo] HEY! San Salvador's that way!!!

Vic:
[Listening to the Armenians] Huh... the Armenians... speak Armenian.

[Ronnie sneezes]

Vic:
Is there anything you're not allergic to?

Ronnie:
Sheet metal.

[While observing Vic and Danny kissing from his car]

Dutch:
Oh, you've gotta be shittin' me.

[After Shane gets his vehicle containing drugs stolen because he stopped by his girlfriend's house to get laid]

Lem:
We're all gonna crash and burn because of you! I mean...Christ, dude, Amy's not even that hot!

Vic:
You stopped to get laid? What the hell were you thinking?

Shane:
About getting laid.

Connie:
He was acting strange!

Vic:
So you shot him!?!

Dutch:
This investigation runs through me. You find anything, report it immediately!

Vic:
If I bring the guy in, you'll be the first to know, Dutchboy!

[Vic confronts a suspect who makes child porn videos]

Suspect:
You can't prove that.

Vic:
I got tapes and witnesses, asshole. Only question left is whether you took a header into the concrete trying to resist arrest.

Vic:
We're trying to prevent a war, not start one!

Shane:
The guy was being a pain in the ass!

Vic:
You've been a pain in the ass lately! Should I take a piss on you?

Glenda:
I need someone to listen to me.

Dutch:
I'm busy at the moment, but maybe one of the uniforms--

Glenda:
I said I need someone to listen to me!

Dutch:
...Okay. Did you want to report a crime?

Glenda:
I've lost track of all the crimes.

Dutch:
I don't underst--

Glenda:
I've lived in this neighborhood all my life keeping my complaints to myself. But no more. My apartment has been broken into seven time in the last four years. SEVEN TIMES! And you never catch anyone! You have got graffiti and cuss words on every single wall that you see. I've got needles on my sidewalk, beer cans on my lawn, and I stopped ducking at the sound of gunshots years ago. We can drop smart bombs down chimneys half a world away, but some sicko gets released from jail because of a computer screwup and rapes my niece! How does this make sense? I see that yellow police tape everywhere that I go. And it's all sirens and helicopters and search lights... You got mothers killing their children, children killing strangers, and maniacs flying airplanes into buildings -- and I just want life to go back to the way it should have been! [Pause] What are you doing to make us feel safe?

Vic:
Police. You knew the OD victim?

Sammy:
He was rushing my frat. I'm the Pledge Master.

Vic:
This part of rush week? [shows him the drugs]

Sammy:
My father's a lawyer.

Vic:
Mine was a bricklayer. So, what?

Dutch:
What the hell am I supposed to talk to Shane Vendrell about all day?

Claudette:
It's good to shake things up once in a while.

Dutch:
I don't want to shake things up, I want my partner back.

Claudette':
Aren't you sweet. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Dutch:
You're gonna miss me too, right?

[Claudette smiles]

Vic:
[Shoving a guy's face into his dead brother's face] Here, you wanna see your brother? Here, kiss your brother.

Dutch:
You want me to fly solo?

Shane:
Nah, man, looks like this is the only action I'm gonna get today.

Dutch:
Excuse me?

Shane:
You know the "I lost my husband tragically but I'm still young and hot and in need of an emotional release" kind of sex. Whoo!

Dutch:
You're kidding, right?

Shane:
What? Oh, you never covered some accident or homicide and gone back a month later for a "statement"? [laughs] This one's been hanging on the vine for a year, man--she is ripe!

Cacuzza:
You guys aren't trying to pull one of your pranks, are you?

Ronnie:
No no no, I really want to move.

Cacuzza:
Right, and a man is just as good as a vibrator. What are you up to?

Claudette:
I learned some interesting things.

Dutch:
So did I. You were a classical dancer when you were a teenager?

Claudette:
Okay, my father is now off-limits to you. Where is he?

Dutch:
How could you not share that?

Claudette:
I only studied nine months.

Dutch:
In Paris!

Claudette:
Here, do your thing with these and stop stalking me.

Dutch:
If you're so special, how come a lowly civil servant like me just caught you?

Dutch:
[reading what Sean wrote on the board] Detective Wagenbach craves respect, fantasizes about being well liked, yet shows no outward manifestation of his low self-esteem. Feels ignored, unappreciated, inadequate with women.

Sean:
Ah, it's just off some first impressions, but I'll stand by it.

Claudette:
Maybe you'd like to read my palms too.

Vic:
[Confronting Shane about an ill-advised sexual tryst he had with a suspect] I was doing a little channel surfing up in observation. I didn't know we got The Spice Network!

Corrine:
[as Vic arrives with Brian] Some husbands just bring home flowers.

Vic:
Yeah, I didn't have time to wrap him up.

Shane:
Looks like you wandered into the wrong prayer group there, Frosty.

Vic:
Why are you a better deal for me than Rondell?

Tio:
I don't use my own product. Rondell does. More and more.

Tio:
This whole Nation of Islam thing came on when he was high.

Vic:
How would you have handled it?

Tio:
Let them have the corner, move three blocks over. Dopers follow the dope. Pissing off the beanpie crowd just gives them a reason to live.

Vic:
Throw a little bit of that peaceful resistance right back at 'em, huh?

Tio:
Mmm-hmm. Now, if I'm done filling out the job application, let's talk about how much rent's gonna be.

Vic:
Actually, fifty grand lets you move in right away.

Tio:
Good thing I've been saving. [Shake hands]

Vic:
It's a good thing.

Vic:
What'd you get on Gilroy?

Shane:
Checked out that hideaway in the hills...

Vic:
And?

Lem:
Mistress never checked in to those bungalows.

Vic:
Another lie. What the hell is he doing?

Lem:
Maybe he stashed her someplace else.

Shane:
Or slashed her someplace else.

Vic:
Oh, Jesus Christ!

Lem:
I always took Gilroy for a quiet drunk.

Shane:
It's the quiet ones you gotta worry about. [edit]

Aceveda:
Come with me.

Claudette:
What's the matter?

Aceveda:
Someone leaked the 911 tapes.

Claudette:
Shit!

Aceveda:
It's all over the press. We got a situation brewing.

Claudette:
Bad?

Aceveda:
When we get there you should do all the talking. Coming from you, a plea for peace will sound more...

Claudette:
Black?

Dutch:
That was some slide. Impact dragged him 75 feet.

Claudette:
Maybe you wanna call Guiness.

Dutch:
Nah. Record's something like over 30 miles. This isn't even a footnote.

Gabo:
[about a rooster] Hey, man, where they taking him?

Shane:
Three little letters... KFC.

Jojo Rizal:
[to Shane] Hey man, your cock's out!

[Shane looks down at his pants, then realizes his rooster is heading out the door]

Danny:
[knocking on door] You called the police?

Betty:
In here.

Danny:
Police in the house.

Betty:
You got here.

Julien:
What's wrong ma'am?

Betty:
Well, my daughter left, and I need my medicine.

Julien:
What medicine?

Betty:
For my arthritis. It's over there.

Danny:
You called us for your arthritis medicine?

Betty:
In the brown bottle over there. hand it to me.

Danny:
Ma'am, 911 is for emergencies.

Betty:
Well, this is an emergency to me.

Danny:
[opens the pill bottle] How many?

Betty:
Two. [stares at Danny]

Danny:
What?

Betty:
Well, would it kill you to get me a glass of water?

Gilroy:
Wagenbach, what the hell are you doing just sitting at your desk?

Dutch:
I'm... I'm working a hit and run.

Gilroy:
Well, stop. We got cops bleeding out in the streets. Half the district's on fire. There is no other case.

Vic:
[after busting through a fence and catching a runner] Alright slappy, you start talking!

Witness:
'Sup, man, I didn't do nothin'!

Vic:
All right. Fine. You're not a witness... [pulls crack out of pocket and plants it on witness] You're an arrest! This here's just enough to make you a trafficker.

Witness:
Hey, you can't do that, man!

Vic:
What? Bust drug dealers? You just made my quota for the week!

Dutch:
Let me draw you a picture, Sean. This is your aunt’s house. This is the porch. And this, this is the crawlspace Pasadena PD just dug two bodies out of. How many more are we gonna find, Sean? Five? Ten?

Sean:
[scoffing] 17.

Claudette:
17?

Shane:
[watching on TV with the entire force, all in shock] Jesus Christ.

Sean:
That's just under the crawl space, you know? The other ones I dumped. I ran out of room under my aunt's house.

Dutch:
It's pathetic.

Sean:
What is?

Dutch:
How typical you are. Soon as you're caught, you try to be special.

Sean:
I killed 22 people. 23, if you wanna count the hunting accident back in Rockford. Oh, I'm special, all right.

Dutch:
If you're so special, how come a lowly civil servant like me just caught you?