Are You Being Served?, Season 5

[Mrs. Slocombe arrives at the meeting, feeling frigid due to the blizzard]

Captain Peacock:
Come along, Mrs. Slocombe.

Mr Rumbold:
What are you pointing at, Mrs. Slocombe?

Mrs Slocombe:
Well, I did have an umbrella. But the wind blew it away.

Mr Humphries:
Mrs. Slocombe, Mr. Rumbold would like to know why you're late.

Mrs Slocombe:
(Taking off her winter coat) Well, the central heating broke down. I had to light the oven and hold my pussy in front of it. Poor little thing. Its tail had been hanging out of its basket all night long. It was frozen solid.

Captain Peacock:
Coffee, Mrs. Slocombe. (Passes the tray of coffee to Mrs. Slocombe)

Mrs Slocombe:
Oh, thank you. Oh no. I don't think I can face it. I've been feeling a bit queasy these past few mornin's.

Mr Lucas:
Queasy? Nothing serious, I hope?

Mr Rumbold:
Oh come on, we must get on. Now, we are here to discuss a suggestion made by young Mr. Grace at a senior sales management meeting. (Turns to Captain Peacock) Captain Peacock, you were there. Perhaps you would like to summarize the points raised.

Captain Peacock:
I could've done that last night before we all went home.

Mr Rumbold:
Yes, well I thought of that, but I didn't want to delay anybody, due to the weather conditions.

Miss Brahms:
Yes, we saw you sneakin' out early, hoping no one would notice.

Captain Peacock:
As I recall it, young Mr. Grace has been reading a paper about, um, sales psychology, and he's now very keen to take advantage of the herd instinct in our customers.

Mr Grainger:
Well I haven't had any herds round my counter lately.

Captain Peacock:
The theory is that a customer is more liable to - to buy something if he sees another customer doing the same thing.

Mr Lucas:
You mean like the three card trick? One of the gang starts the bidding to get the other mugs to join in.

Mr Rumbold:
Well, that's not quite how it was put.

Mr Grainger:
What if nobody starts, will they just all stand there looking?

Captain Peacock:
One of the assistants who is free pretends to be a customer and says complimentary things about the goods.

Mr Lucas:
Like I said, one of the gang starts a bidding.

Mr Rumbold:
The assistant should employ such phrases as, "I wish I could afford that!" and, "By jove, that's good value for money!" or, "I must have one of those before they're all snapped up!"

Mrs Slocombe:
I've sat here and listened to some daft things in my time, but this is the daftest thing I've ever sat here and listened to.

Mr Rumbold:
Nevertheless, young Mr. Grace is very keen on the idea, so we're going to give it a try.

Miss Brahms:
And that's what we've all had to come in early for?

Mr Rumbold:
Yes, well, we did think it would be as well to dream up some more encouraging phrases. So let's all put our thinking caps on, hm?

Mr Grainger:
I've left the gas on.

Captain Peacock:
I don't think you've quite grasped the idea, Mr. Grainger.

Mr Grainger:
What idea?

Captain Peacock:
Shall I explain to him again, sir?

Mr Rumbold:
No.

Mr Humphries:
Don't do that. Send him home to turn the gas off.

Mr Rumbold:
Now, come along, I'm sure we can think of dozens of phrases. Let's go along the line. We'll have one from Miss Brahms.

Miss Brahms:
Why me? Start at that end.

Mr Grainger:
Oh well, it'll warm up the kitchen, perhaps.

Mr Rumbold:
To what does that refer, Mr. Grainger?

Mr Humphries:
He's still on about the gas.

Miss Brahms:
Damn, there's none left.

Mr Rumbold:
Now that's very good, Miss Brahms. "Damn, there's none left." You see, that gives the assistant a good chance to produce another one of whatever they are. (to Mrs. Slocombe) Mrs. Slocombe.

Mr Lucas:
Hey, I got one for Mrs. Slocombe. "Fancy them making one of those in my size!"

Mrs Slocombe:
Are we going to have much more of that, Mr. Lucas?

Mr Rumbold:
Well now, that's very good Mrs. Slocombe, yes. You see, it gives the idea of urgency, in case the stocks should run out. (Turns to Captain Peacock) Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock:
How thoughtful of Grace Brothers to leave the doors open, so that we, the customers, can actually get in to buy things.

Mr Rumbold:
I take your point, Peacock. (Turns to Mr. Humphries) Uh, Mr. Humphries.

Mr Humphries:
"By jove, fancy Grace Brothers being able to do them at that price. A full range of sizes in all those lovely colours. They're washable and durable. I bet they never wear out."

Mr Rumbold:
Excellent, excellent, what is it?

Mr Humphries:
I don't know, but if you've got one, I'll have it.

Mr Rumbold:
Mr. Lucas.

Mr Lucas:
"Look at that poor, handsome young assistant. I bet he's fair worn out, with gettin' up early and standing in the frozen snow. I bet he hasn't had a proper breakfast except for a cuppa coffee in a miserable paper cup. We must all buy something from him so he could afford a proper lunch. Then he'll have the strength to struggle home, fall exhausted into bed, and get up early in the morning and start the whole process all over again!"

Mr Rumbold:
I'll see you in my office at 10 o'clock, Mr. Lucas.

Mrs Slocombe:
Is there no demand for mechanical pussies?

Captain Peacock:
I'm told people prefer the real thing.

Mrs Slocombe:
Oh, how ridiculous! What is there to learn about toys? All you do is bounce them, cuddle them or turn them on!

Mr Lucas:
Just like girls, really!

Mr Rumbold:
I just wanted you to know that I'm doing my best to get Grainger reinstated, but I'm having trouble getting through to Mr. Grace.

Captain Peacock:
Why, is his telephone out of order?

Mr Rumbold:
No, his brain!

Mrs Slocombe:
[About Miss Brahms, who is wearing a padded bra] You look like the Hunchfront of Notre Dame!

Captain Peacock:
Lallies and Willets [Polari for Legs and Breasts] – that's a Bristol firm, isn't it?

Mrs Slocombe:
Never mind where they hang out, what's in it for us?

Mr Humphries:
[Mr. Rumbold is suggesting which shareholders each person should impersonate]

Mr Rumbold:
There's Jeffrey Longman. He is 28, broad-shouldered, 6 foot 2, blond haired, blue eyed, wealthy yacht owner.

Mr Humphries:
Ooh, I like the sound of that!

Mr Lucas:
You're not tall enough.

Mr Humphries:
I know, I just like the sound of it.

Mr Rumbold:
Oh, this chap's quite a large shareholder. [He's a] professional dancer.

Mrs Slocombe:
Oh, Mr. Humphries does a bit of dancing. Don't you, Mr. Humphries?

Mr Humphries:
Oh yes. The word "versatile" has been applied to me before. [Begins to dance]

Mr Rumbold:
I must stop you; he's only got one leg. And he is from Nigeria. Could you play a one-legged, Nigerian tap-dancer?

Mr Humphries:
Not with any degree of sincerity, no.

Captain Peacock:
[To Humphries] One more insult from that man [Lucas] and these clothes are coming off!

Mr Humphries:
Don't start distracting me now, I'm very busy!

Mr Lucas:
What are you talking about? Alexander the Great was only my age when he died and he was practically ruling the world.

Mr Humphries:
Yes, but could he take an inside leg?

Mr Lucas:
It slipped right down, Mr Harman!

Mr Harman:
Well it can't have gone that far, tell her to speak up a bit, and try and get Captain Peacock on the same mic...

Miss Brahms:
What if he shouted up her skirt?

Mrs Slocombe:
[Angrily] No one is shouting up my skirt, saying they recognize the face!